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January 6, 2019 6:07 pm  #1


GIDH thinks couples therapy will fix us

My husband thinks we can fix our marriage by continuing couples therapy. Tells me that his bisexuality is a small part of our problems and if we work on the rest of our marriage, our sex will improve as well. I’ve caught him on gay hook up sites and Craigslist ads but he says that’s just curiosity and he promised that he has never acted on it. Only online and he promised that he’ll never act on it.

Your thoughts? I want to believe that he’s just bi but from many of the stories I read here I see that it all started with catching spouses on hookup sites and them admitting to just being bi or curious and then years later they come out.

Should I try couples therapy? We only went once and the entire time he was telling our therapist how much he loves and me and I’m making up stories in my head and making it a bigger deal than it is. We both go to solo therapy already.

We’ve been married for 14 years, and our sex life in the past few years has been non existent pretty much.

Last edited by Mimi (January 6, 2019 6:13 pm)

 

January 6, 2019 8:10 pm  #2


Re: GIDH thinks couples therapy will fix us

Hi Mimi,

I think a good question to ask yourself here would be: to what extent do you consider the online stuff to be like cheating? Would you feel at ease in the relationship knowing that was going on all the time? Also, do you believe he is not meeting others (men or women) for sex, or do you have some nagging doubts about that?

In an IRL divorce support group (non-SSN) that I participated in last spring in my area, there was a woman who did not think her husband had cheated, but he was so wrapped up in his world of porn, it was a deal breaker for her. I, too, probably would have divorced over this second find of a ton of porn/online activity, even if he had not confessed to bringing random men to the house for sex. I'm not into porn, and that would be enough to render us incompatible in my mind.

I don't think it hurts to go to couples therapy from the standpoint of knowledge is power, and the more you can hear of what he is thinking and doing, the better you'll be able to make informed decisions going forward. However, I would also recommend you be ready to stand your ground in the sessions--what you describe above for his behavior sounds pretty manipulative to my ears.

Good luck!

 

January 7, 2019 3:19 am  #3


Re: GIDH thinks couples therapy will fix us

Hi Mimi,  
It sounds like he is using the therapy to continue to love bomb and not really talk about the issue.  Did the therapist seem to direct the questions appropriately or did they allow him to just take the stage?  I think it might be helpful, but only to the degree your husband is willing to be open and honest.  My ex says he is bi and attributed our problems to me and needing to address the problems in our marriage.  I think now looking back that yes, we had problems of compatibility and values that we didn't address, but I think in the end addressing them by him going outside and cheating destroyed any chance of dealing with those issues as the GID issue was really at the heart of everything.  And it does boil down to that in the end.  If he is bi, then is he committed to monogamy and do you trust that commitment?  After years of cheating I could not trust my ex.  

But you are not making things up, it is a big deal.  Sex is a big deal and it's absence is a big deal (well it would be for me!) So "fixing" TGT is a non-starter.  Be cautious about sharing the responsibility for that one!!!  Good luck! 

 

January 7, 2019 9:40 am  #4


Re: GIDH thinks couples therapy will fix us

Hi Mimi,

Before TGT was revealed I asked my husband several times to go to couple s therapy.  He always refused.  I ended up going by myself.  My therapist told me at some point that if y husband refused constantly he probably had issues he was not comfortable to disclose.  She was so right.

After I discovered the porn and condoms I finally had to tell him that I needed to go to couple s therapy because of my lack libido for him to accept.  So it s like it always needed to be my fault.

Honestly the therapist did a decent job but did not dig deep enough in the sexual orientation issue.  He was more focus on us finding ways to stay together.  It did not work for me because of the denial issue.  What s the point of trying to build something on foundations that are not strong enough ?  

So to me yes therapy can work if the GIDH want to admit that there is something wrong and that your are ready ton consider the pro and cons of a MOM.  Otherwise I doubt it can provide other results than keeping both of you where you are now.

The other reason therapy did not work for me is that even if my GIDH keeps saying that it is just virtual and nothing that affects his real life,  I know in all my bones that he is lying.  My intuition never spoke to me so loudly.  It s funny because my family tried to warn me in the past.  I saw thing that I did not like and made me feel uncomfortable, but I would not listen to that voice in my head telling me that something was wrong.  I guess I was not read at that time.  I guess I was still sleeping, but now I m awake and I won t go back to sleep.

Take care of yourself my dear, it s painful journey but I guess we can do it.

 

January 7, 2019 2:30 pm  #5


Re: GIDH thinks couples therapy will fix us

Estella, Leah and Lolita

Thank you for your points. Yes I agree that the GID is the heart of it all. So yes, we are incompatible in some areas that we can work on together, but when TGT is at the heart of it all, how can we fix that? It’s like building a house on no foundation. No matter how great you build it, it’ll fall.

Lolita, it’s interesting that you say that. My husband also refused going to therapy months ago when I asked him. Now I get why. It’s only now that everything is falling apart that he wants us to see a counselor.

Estella, I agree with you that I need to be careful in taking responsibility about TGT. There’s nothing to be fixed there but to be realistic with facts.

One thing that’s bothering me is the fact that he’s making it look like I’m giving up to easily on a perfect marriage.l because of sex. When it’s really about trust!

     Thread Starter
 

January 8, 2019 10:11 pm  #6


Re: GIDH thinks couples therapy will fix us

It s definitely about trust.  My husband and I have great sex together when we do. But I spent the past 4 years asking myself why he did not have more appetite for something that great, why would we spend 2-3 months without it and he would never complain. I lost my self confidence trying to find the problem in me and now if I listen to him, I ll. be sure that I m just crazy.

 

January 9, 2019 7:19 am  #7


Re: GIDH thinks couples therapy will fix us

Hello Mimi,

I am going to couples’ counseling with my STBE, and it is good to have that neutral space to talk mostly because we have a 10 month old baby and there are soooo many things to discuss. We are still sharing the apartment, so it is good for me to have a place once a week, far away from baby, where I can cry, get mad, and say anything that it is in my mind. I did not catch my STBE, he told me he was gay, and as far as I know he has never cheated, either online or in real life, and I believe him. That makes me more willing to go to counseling.

I had to put some boundaries with the psychologist though, because at the beginning she was congratulating him for being so brave and coming out of a 30 years closet. I had to tell the psychologist that it was extremely hurtful to hear those things, and it has been better since, she wants to find out about his past but she is mindful of my presence there.

Regarding the bisexuality thing.... it is so complicated! Or it can be. Like somebody said before, it does not matter if he is truly bisexual, there are no closets, and he is committed and monogamous, if that was the agreement. If there was trust it does not matter if he is bi because you know he won’t cheat with either man or woman. But if there is no trust and you have found him in suspicious activities there is more there than simply being bisexual. Unfortunately bisexuality is the first step for lots of people that can not, or do not know how, to accept that they were gay. That was the case with my STBE. He thought he was bi, I think he wanted to be bi! Anything but the truth: gay, specially coming from a small town of not open minded people where he was afraid for his well being coming out.

I would be extremely careful with the bisexual thing, I will be from here on if I ever meet somebody again!
I am sending you lots of strength, we are here and we understand you

 

January 9, 2019 7:26 am  #8


Re: GIDH thinks couples therapy will fix us

One more thing, Mimi, about the making you feel that you are the one giving up. That seems to be sooooo common! My STBE did exactly the same thing, I think it is a stage of denial for them where they obviously don’t want to take responsibility for what they have done and means to be gay if you are married to a woman. It has taken mine some good months to fully understand that by telling me he is gay HE was breaking up with me, and ending the marriage. I am thankful that we are there, it was sooooo frustrating to be blamed for “not being creative enough to find solutions”/for our marriage and other nonsense like I was quitting.
Do not let him put any blame at all on you! This is not your doing, regarding other marital problems you may have had as well, this one is ALL HIS!

 

January 9, 2019 7:27 am  #9


Re: GIDH thinks couples therapy will fix us

*despite, not regarding

 

January 9, 2019 8:04 am  #10


Re: GIDH thinks couples therapy will fix us

Yes, just to second what MMartin said above, my STBX is absolutely acting like I am the one giving up a great marriage for no reason at all. And we, too, were highly compatible and seemed like the perfect couple. And when you are dealing with a master liar, what can you do? They are going to be good at painting a picture of you as over-reacting, uptight, crazy, etc. So I think that's really common, and not confined to those struggling with TGT, but rather a mark of almost any cheater/abuser.

But when you have no idea what is going on in your house when you aren't there -- when you can't trust them with a key like you would a nanny or pet sitter or friend -- well, it gave me such a high level of feeling panicked and unsafe that *even I* could recognize that a truly loving spouse would not ask their partner to live with that anxiety and unsafe feeling as though that should be normal. When a well meaning friend said, Maybe you could stay together and you could agree to install a nanny cam to monitor his activities... well, I am pretty sure healthy marriages don't include a security guard in front of a bank of cameras.

So don't give in to these attempts to blameshift or make this your problem to solve. You do deserve relationships built on trust with adults who take responsibility for their actions. That's not an "extra" in a marriage, it's the foundation, and I don't care what kind of stellar building sits atop it--it will tumble over every time if that foundation isn't there.

Last edited by Estella Oculus (January 9, 2019 8:05 am)

 

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