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December 22, 2018 10:51 pm  #1


Looking for clarity

Hi, I m a straight woman 33 yo, married with 2 kids.  I met my husband 17 years. ago and we have been married for 9 years.  So far we have a good relationship but for some reason our sex life really declined about 5 years ago.  And we ended up having sex no more than every 2 months.  In April this year I felt that I was so unsatisfied that I was considering an affair so Tried to encourage him to go in counseling.  He refused every time until in November we finally had to go on romantic week end and the morning we were suppose to leave I found gay porn on his tablet.  I instinctively decided to look in his backpack and I found condoms too.  I was shocked because we don t use them.  I still decided to go on the trip with him and that night as he was asking me why I was in this bad mood I decided to confront him.  I told him what I have found but I did not dare asking him clearly about his sexual orientation or sexual activity.  He wrote me a love letter asking me to give us a chance.  After this incident I was finally able to convince him to go in couple s therapy but I had to tell him that it was because I personally felt that I had low libido.    

This incident made me realize that a lot of things I did not paid attention to were actually red flags like :
When he was a teenager, one of his friends accused him of being gay and told everybody about it.  He told me the story and how it made him suffer as a teen, because what his friend misinterpreted was simply the fact that he was looking for support after his father passed.  Since that he mainly have close friendship with younger male and I have always asked myself why he does not seek friendship with guys from his caliber. Most of his friends were problematic younger males who dropped out of school and had no real career while he s a very ambitious and accomplished professional.  I have to say that now his crowd of friend is more diverse but most of them are no married and don t have a regular girlfriend so we could do things like double dates. I also found gay porn on his computer 6 years ago but it was just one page and I did not take it seriously at this time.  Later there was also 2 incident were I found condoms in his car.  A friend of my mother also told her that there was rumors of he being gay in one of his previous jobs.

During the counseling session I asked again for an explanation and he explained that it was simply related to the fact that he was very curious and that I could have found other types of porn on his tablet if it was another day ( I did not check the history).  For the condoms he said that he decided to buy it because it was a very special quality and he decided to buy it just for fun.  His body language was enough to tell he was lying, but he explained later that he was very embarrassed to talk about that in front of a stranger.

He explained that the most important thing is that he had no obligation to marry me when he did, and that he really loves me and want us to stay together.

The counseling is useful in term of identifying ways to improve our relationship, but I m still concerned about the possible lies.  I 'm afraid to invest all my energy in counseling, and trying to make things work then found out later that he s really gay.  I m still young and I don t want to waste 20, 30 years like some people here did.

Before we started couple s therapy I started seeing a counselor myself.  I stopped when I started the couple's therapy but this week I decided to go back in own counseling session.  One important point my counselor made me realize is that I was unhappy even before I found the porn and the condoms.

 I also decided to talk with one of my male friends about my issues but I just mentioned that I found evidence that my husband is probably cheating.  I did not mentioned my suspicions about his orientation.  My friend told me that I had to stop thinking that I was the problem and that to make marriage work there was several important factors including sexual orientation.  I did not dare asking more, but I m sure he knows something and wanted to give me a chance to talk openly about it.


My concerns now, is that I realize that it s really not easy to decide on the next steps.  I truly love my husband and I believe he loves me too.  However, if he s not straight, I won t stay in the relationship because I believe I won t experience real happiness.

I am also concerned about te counseling process because, the first goal was to improve the relationship, but as I m thinking a bout the possibility that my husband could not be straight, I m afraid to move.

I d love to hear your perspectives, also did you tried counseling and what did it change for you ?

In my case I feel like it really helped us.  We were finally able to work on a joint budget together, I was able to initiate intimacy and  we had a great date last night.  But again I m afraid it could be just temporary.



 

 

December 24, 2018 7:54 am  #2


Re: Looking for clarity

Lol17,


I think you feel the cognitive dissonance...you can feel the lie in your bones...but your head is trying to make sense of it.

My perspective, as a straight guy; if you put a gun to my head I would not watch gay porn..  Straight guys just dont do that.,they have no interest in it ..no curiosity or need.     

So sorry..  I just want you to know its not you...you are not wrong.

Last edited by Rob (December 24, 2018 7:55 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

December 24, 2018 12:11 pm  #3


Re: Looking for clarity

ALolita

I can relate with how you feel. But I think you should ask him to go to therapy on his own with someone who specializes in sexual orientation. Couples therapy at this point if any should be focused on his sexuality. Don’t you want to know that first and then work on your marriage?He’ll never admit to you about it. They all say it was just “curiosity” when they’re in the stage of denial and just caught. I suggest you read more stories here. You’ll start to see the same pattern. You need to first figure out if there is a marriage to “work” on through therapy. Your therapist is right, at some point it’s all just about if you’re happy or unhappy in the marriage. I still love my husband too. He first said it was curiosity and now he’s bisexual. Take your time to process what’s happening, confide to a person who can keep you in reality, ask him to see a therapist on his own. I can promise you one thing, it’ll get better. I was where you are right now, 2 months ago. Lots of confusion but now things are getting more clear. We are here for you.

Last edited by Mimi (December 24, 2018 12:12 pm)

 

December 26, 2018 8:59 am  #4


Re: Looking for clarity

Thanks Rob.

@Mimi, the funniest thing is that he insist that I continue to go to therapy myself, like I'm the one who has a problem.  And it s said in such a loving way I could really believe it.  LOL

But I believe the only problem I have is teh effect of this relationship on my self confidence.  Our couple therapists is also a sexologist.  Where I live the supply of professionals in that area is very small so I doubt he. will find a specialized therapist.  Maybe I can check online.

You said you where there 2 months ago ? What did change for you ?

     Thread Starter
 

December 27, 2018 11:53 am  #5


Re: Looking for clarity

Lolita

You’ll start to see the same pattern. They all say curiosity. What else can he say? Wouldn’t you say the same if you were caught? I keep seeing stories were straight spouses saw clues and ignored it and 20 years into their marriage, they have to divorce in their 50s, 60s. Mine started by saying it’s all curiosity. Now he says he’s bi.

 

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