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1 - jkc1214
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GIDH asking to stay together.
GIDH told me today that him not wanting to have sex with his wife for years is just "normal in a long term marriage" Really? Because most of the married couples I know, are still having sex, maybe not as often as when they first got married, but they are still having sex fairly regularly. Says it's normal that we spend almost no time together at all ever.
Also asked me if I could just stay living in the house and started crying and told me he wants to stay married. Forced me to say the words "I don't want to stay married."
It's so unfair that not only do I have to deal with the fact that I married a gay man and didn't realize it, so now, at age 50 I feel like I have to start my whole damn life over, I also have to have a guilt trip thrown at me because I dare to want more out of life and a marriage. And I know I have nothing to feel guilty over, but I do love this man so seeing him hurting sucks. And that's just not fair.
Just needed to vent for a moment. Thanks.
- Estella Oculus
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Re: GIDH asking to stay together.
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Last edited by Estella Oculus (May 1, 2019 10:29 am)
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: GIDH asking to stay together.
Estella Oculus: When I read this:
...by this time (December) last year I'd run clean out of empathy for him. Instead of feeling bad about him hurting, all I could think is: you've done this entirely to yourself, this is all you hurting yourself, you could have easily seen that these consequences loomed, and yet you didn't choose to come clean and collaborate honestly on a solution.
I said out loud: that is exactly where I was last December, too.
This December, I am through the wrenching pain of moving to end it (so often they make us do it), the moving out, and the divorce (it was final Dec. 9), and I am to my surprise finding joy. This weekend I went out, chose, and put up my first post-divorce solo Christmas tree (a friend of mine came with me), my son came over to decorate it with me last night, and I am finding, if I may steal a (para)phrase from Chump Lady, that my walls have begun to sing again. My house is lit bright with lights and my (secular) soul is full of the spirit of Christmas. I am waking up and going to sleep saying to myself, and marveling as I say it, "I'm happy." I did not expect this, and yet it has happened (and I'm 65!).
jkc, I don't mean to minimize the pain of where you are right now; that pain is stupefying in its power. I just want you to know that although it seems as if happiness can never happen for you, it is out there--and you can find it and it will find you.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 12, 2018 8:43 pm)
- Estella Oculus
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Re: GIDH asking to stay together.
< deleted >
Last edited by Estella Oculus (May 1, 2019 10:28 am)
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: GIDH asking to stay together.
I think many of us are raised to think that caring for ourselves rather than always putting others first is selfish. If it's a question of caring for ourselves or for others, we believe others must take precedence. But why is it selfish to care for ourselves as much as we care for others? And in these marriages to those who are willing to use and abuse us, our partners are black holes of need that we cannot satisfy, and the only empathy and compassion we are ever going to get is not going to come from our partners but from ourselves. We are conscientious people who take care of others and take ourselves to task. I spent years focused on my ex; during that same time, he was also focused on himself, and instead of appreciating what I was willing to do and the extent to which I was willing to extend myself for him, it was in his eyes never enough--and god forbid I should have needs of my own and express them or convey I thought they were important and that my concern for him had earned me some care or consideration from him.
I, and you, and others, are living in an "empathy deficit"--from others and for ourselves. It's not selfish to be self-protective. It's not selfish to have healthy boundaries. It's not selfish to ask to be treated with respect, and to respect ourselves. It's healthy. And it's healing.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 12, 2018 10:19 pm)
- phoenix
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Re: GIDH asking to stay together.
OOHC - Dec 9th was my divorce date as well. 2 years ago.
jkc - the fact that he tried to force you to say anything tells me a lot about his narcissism. He is clearly scared to admit that he is gay. He wants the world to think he's a happily married straight person and he's trying to manipulate you into remaining his beard.
You know his inner desire is to stay in the closet. You know he's manipulative and controlling. So you should know what to expect from him in the months to come as you take control of your life and move forward.
We are here for you each step of the way!
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Mimi
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Re: GIDH asking to stay together.
JKC
I’m in the same situation as you right now. All of a sudden it’s my fault that our marriage might end. I’m the one who’s not trying enough and is giving up too easily. I’m hallucinating and these are all only assumptions. GID H thinks if we just continue our normal lives and “work” on our marriage we can “fix” our relationship.
Phoenix pointed out something that I’m realizing too. My GIDH also does narcissistic things like telling me that maybe I need to work on myself too to see how I can love him more!!
Of course he wants you to stay, because that way he doesn’t have to deal with reality. and of course a lot of it is because he loves you as the person he has shared his life with. But remember it’s not our fault that they were in denial for all these years. It’s not fair. Do not feel guilty at all. I feel compassionate about what he’s going through but not guilty. At all!
Last edited by Mimi (December 13, 2018 11:00 am)
- jkc1214
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Re: GIDH asking to stay together.
Mimi wrote:
JKC
Of course he wants you to stay, because that way he doesn’t have to deal with reality. and of course a lot of it is because he loves you as the person he has shared his life with. But remember it’s not our fault that they were in denial for all these years. It’s not fair. Do not feel guilty at all. I feel compassionate about what he’s going through but not guilty. At all!
THIS sums up exactly how I feel. He does love me, I know this. My husband is not at all narcissistic, believe me. I lived with one many years ago, almost married one. My husband is lost. He got caught experimenting sexually as a young teen and the fallout from that was horrific. He was bullied by classmates and family and friends. Of course he learned to bury his feelings and desires. I don't blame him for reacting that way at all. I believe him when he says he wanted to date me because he saw something very attractive about me. I think people can be attracted to another person in the sense of wanting to be near them and spend time with them even if there is no sexual relationship and I think my husband mistook that for romantic feelings. I get all that, I really do. I feel sick that anyone would be made to live out a lie. And I have spent half of my life with him so of course I care very deeply. I don't want to force him to accept something he still isn't ready to accept. But, at the same time, I can't keep living a lie myself. I have not been a very attentive mother to my girls over the past year or so because I've been depressed and hiding from life. I'm tired of hiding from life. I want to get back out there and live again. But my doing that means I'm causing him extreme pain. That's the piece I hate. If her were narcissistic, I could just say f*ck you and walk away. He's not, he's just lost and scared and doesn't know how he'll get a long without me. And I feel bad about making anyone feel that way, but especially someone I care about and have built a life with all these years.
I encouraged him to get some counseling. Told him that if he worked his feelings out, he might actually find himself able to live a much happier life be with someone he can love fully. He's not ready to think about that unfortunately.
To sum up, it all just sucks. If his family and classmates weren't such closed off a$$holes when he first tried to come out both his and my life would be so very different right now. (Although, I wouldn't have my 3 children, so I can't wish to go back and change things)
I can't thank everyone enough for the support. It helps SO much to know that others have made it through this journey and lived to tell a positive tale. I'm not sure how I could get through without that knowledge.
Last edited by jkc1214 (December 13, 2018 11:51 am)
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: GIDH asking to stay together.
Mimi you wrote;
'.. like telling me that maybe I need to work on myself too to see how I can love him more!!"
Ive been on this site a long time and that really says it well.. thank you for this post.
It boggles the mind as they commit adultery and then tell you you're at fault. I thank God to be living in real reality now.
To those going through this.. its not you .. you did nothing wrong.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- walkbymyself
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Re: GIDH asking to stay together.
I am still keeping secret from my husband the fact that I've seen and saved many of his text messages -- I didn't want to tell him that until AFTER I'd moved out of the house. I don't know what my home life would be like otherwise. So every time he tries to coax me to accept something short of divorce ... I can't come clean and tell him I'm not going to stay married to someone who does what he does ... so the other day we had our second mediation session, and he brought it up in front of the mediator. I had the two of them just looking at me like I'm being so stubborn and what not. I really felt ambushed and put on the spot.
I'm about to go out to meet with my lawyer face to face, which I haven't done since my initial consultation last April. I'm going to lay out for him exactly what was going on and why I am at risk.
It's deeply distressing because my husband has been really laying it on thick about how catastrophic my financial situation is going to be if I divorce him, as opposed to the generous package I would get in a separation. I feel like screaming "But what if you get caught in your illegal activities you're having me subsidize? What if the government takes everything I own pursuant to the Federal and state asset forfeiture laws, which they can do even if I'm an innocent and uninvolved spouse!"