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1 - vicky
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Commonalities
I thought I'd start a thread about common things we see in peoples posts here. Sometimes I read someone's post and it's just like reading my own a few years ago. They're really are some similarities in these posts.
1) They travel for work - I see this one a lot here, raise your hand if your husband traveled for work! Those business hotels must be a hotbed of homosexual activity. I wonder if these guys consciously seek out travelling jobs so they are able to hook up in strange towns.
2) They've been with their spouse 15-18 years. It seems like a lot of these guys are late 30's to early 40's when they can't contain their sexual preference anymore and it seems to be around the 15 to 18 year mark when they get found out.
3) Women confess to their husbands but the men they're always caught, the men are nearly never straightforward 
with their spouses and tell them the truth before being caught, leading to the next one...
4) When they're found out they deny they're gay/bi they say it's a fetish or a curiosity or something to blow off steam but they will never say it's homosexual - as if that is any way believable but somehow they think it is.
5) They love porn and don't think liking gay porn means they're gay
6) They don't think it's cheating if they have a sexual encounter with a person of the same gender.
I thought about adding they're controlling but that seems to be common among my hetero-coupled friends too.
Those are some off the top of my head what have you noticed.
Vicky
- IgnoranceWasBliss
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Re: Commonalities
I agree with all of your points!
I will add
1) they watch their phone like a hawk
2) they repeatedly ask to perform anal sex (I never let him) never asked me to peg him but that is because I found out he is only a top from his Craigslist ads
3) they have friends that will never be introduced to you
4) they always never want sex and if it happens they usually go soft
Sex is very fast and mechanical and no french kissing
5) he called himself a fashion adonis haha and had more clothes and shoes than me
6) no holding hands or touching in public
These are off the top of my head too that were for my situation
- Laurence
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Re: Commonalities
Vicky,
Not sure about #3. My DW never confessed, always had to be confronted with evidence. But then she might in the minority.
* Always looked at phone.
* Sex was a chore.
* behaved like teenager when she came out.
- vicky
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Re: Commonalities
IWB my partner actually does like sex (I think he's bi) but we did have ED issues mostly after I found out I think he was feeling pressure to prove he wasn't gay. He's tech savvy so he can hide any online activity from me, there are even ways to hide apps on your phone, it was human error that I found the website because he forgot to close it. But yes they are careful about their phones/computers.
I thought of another I would add, they have female friends.
Laurence, I was just summarizing what I've noticed in peoples posts. It seems to me like the majority of women tell their husbands the majority of men are found out. I'm also on MMOMW and I've noticed it there too.
Vicky
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Thread Starter- HeyJupiter
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Re: Commonalities
I appreciate this post very much. I’m new to this site and my husband just told me at the beginning of this month while we were in couples counseling.
Most all of the points listed line up to my situation which is making my situation even more confusing. Some things, like not holding hands, he said it didn’t feel right, while he loved me he wasn’t feeling like he could fulfill a husband role. Same with affection. And of course our physical intimate relationship suffered/wasn’t great. He had/has ED and smokes and when he wouldn’t fix either one of those issues and I didn’t communicate well on my wants /needs, I eventually dropped it. With his negativity, he had up a wall that felt impervious, but my takeaway from this mess is to be a better commutator. Maybe I would’ve found out sooner?
When asked if he needs vs wants a relationship with a man, his response is need not wants.
He wasn’t caught cheating, he hasn’t gone outside our marriage, he doesn’t hide his phone, my fingerprint is on his phone to unlock it, he rarely watches porn and it’s been hetro. He just had a brother die and that was a trigger for him coming out. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and his brother was an alcoholic and occasionally used drugs. My husband has a stressful job that doesn’t require travel and is consumed by work and is always home at the same time, he goes to AA meetings and his therapist. We have a shared calendar as well. He won’t come out until I am ready, until we define whatever this relationship turns into. I am devastated and ironically our relationship is better. He’s very affectionate and more emotionally available and open. He doesn’t want to leave until I feel like I am in a stable place etc. He doesn’t think he will come out to his family for a year or so until we define our relationship. He says he is here for me, loves me and isn’t going anywhere.
I haven’t yet posted my story and plan too when I am spinning less. He is 47 and we’ve known each other since 1995.
Last edited by HeyJupiter (December 28, 2018 2:58 pm)
- walkbymyself
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Re: Commonalities
IgnoranceWasBliss: re no hand holding in public -- this was always such a painful issue for me. It still is. I never found anyone else who had to deal with it, until I came here. It's such a small thing, but my husband always used to joke around about how he hated public displays of affection, so no hand-holding or anything like that ... for the 24 years we were married, the two years we lived together before that, and the six years we dated before that. We'd walk down the street and he'd be at least six or seven paces ahead of me, and if I started to trot to keep up with him, he'd walk even faster. He thought it was funny. He suggested I walked too slow. He'd bark out "plenty of rest in the grave!" if I complained.
It wasn't until I got here and other people described the same thing, that I started to understand there was more to it ... my husband wasn't just a manly kind of stoic who hated all that touchy-feely stuff.
- ThisSeason
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Re: Commonalities
There were not that many red flags for me, but that kind of lends support to the fact my wife says she did not realize she was gay until several months ago. Now, when I look back to the brief time period of a month or so that she knew and I did not, there were red flags all over the place. She literally was like a different person in how she acted, what her priorities were, and how (not) affectionate she was.
- Rob
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Re: Commonalities
Thisseason,
Yes the withdrawl/discard/rejection/taking away of physical affection is inhumane. You or I could not do that so quickly and deliberately like they did.. That is the difference between us and them.
Walk,
Your STBX/GX/definitely needs to be an X/ sounds like a real Narcissist with a capital N. Do NOT feel ashamed.. I can look back and see how much bad treatment I put up with because I loved my GX so much. These are not red flags of TGT , of which I saw none, but red flags of narcissism and their moral core. Know that there are people out there that will not and could not treat us like these horrible spouses do/did.
wishing everyone a happy and blessed new year.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- IgnoranceWasBliss
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Re: Commonalities
Walkbymyself
Regarding public display of affection it was only a show it all depended if his friends and family were around. If no one was around there were no gestures of affection ( there were in the beginning) there were times when his mother visited he always grabbed my hand and would even constantly grab at my breasts in front of my mom and his mom which was weird and rude and I kept saying stop it in front of both his mom and my mom and he thought it was funny he only grabbed my breasts in front of them when they were watching not sneakily like when no one was watching he did it on purpose as a show especially in front of his mom now I know why.
- HeyJupiter
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Re: Commonalities
Agree. The no hand holding and lack of very simple public touching is painful. I’d get excuses like ‘don’t feel like it’ “putting my keys away” He has been so cranky with work in the last few years I didn’t think to put it all together. It’s even more painful that now that he is out he is so affectionate. I couldn’t sleep in the same bed last night, just couldn’t stop crying and had to go into another bedroom.
The obvious signs that I can now see are that he would lash out in anger for no reason, but things were always my fault. This seems to be a commonality. He would take his hate of himself out on me. Now he’s as pleasant as a peach, great to be around, but I’m a devastated mess half the time.
walkbymyself wrote:
IgnoranceWasBliss: re no hand holding in public -- this was always such a painful issue for me. It still is. I never found anyone else who had to deal with it, until I came here. It's such a small thing, but my husband always used to joke around about how he hated public displays of affection, so no hand-holding or anything like that ... for the 24 years we were married, the two years we lived together before that, and the six years we dated before that. We'd walk down the street and he'd be at least six or seven paces ahead of me, and if I started to trot to keep up with him, he'd walk even faster. He thought it was funny. He suggested I walked too slow. He'd bark out "plenty of rest in the grave!" if I complained.
It wasn't until I got here and other people described the same thing, that I started to understand there was more to it ... my husband wasn't just a manly kind of stoic who hated all that touchy-feely stuff.