OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



December 9, 2018 4:47 am  #1


Things I wish I'd done differently now 3yrs post divorce from GIDXH

I'm a pollyanna, like so many of us straight spouses are.  I wanted it NOT to be true.  I wanted to think he loved me.  But you just don't treat friends like this.  Abandoned, discarded, as not useful because I know.  I know the truth of him. 
But now I see how I made it so easy for him, by ignoring my own intuition for so long.  Thought that the kids, the house and all of that was more important than MY LIFE.  It wasn't.    

-I excused the gay porn when he said it was curiousity. 
-I just accepted his word.  Always. 
-When the new 'friend' arrived I turned my suspicions away.  
-I was unhappy.  THAT should have been reason enough to leave or to at least prioritize my own needs.  
- I stayed a full five years after finding the gaydar acct.  That was five years of more confusion and misery. 

Things I wish I'd done differently now three years post divorce.  

1. I should have focused on my own career from the point of discovering the porn.  I had three young kids and I just accepted full childcare and homemaking responsibilities.  I wish I'd gotten some training or restarted my career then
2. I wish I would have stopped talking to my partner about my feelings of inadequacy.  I fed a monster there.  I had little to no self-esteem and he used every tidbit I gave him about my own self-doubt in ways that now seem truly monsterous. 
3.  I wish I could really forgive myself for the way it ended.  I outed him.  I told my sons in a way that wasn't great for them. 
4. I wish I hadn't started in another relationship so soon as I just didn't sufficiently mourn and grieve my marriage, and it delayed my healing as it wasn't a healthy relationship.  Now I'm feeling low and not really mourning that relationship, but my marital one which feels weird.
5.  I wish I'd gotten more counselling.  I'm getting more now. 
6.  Really wish I had just distanced myself emotionally more.  And realized earlier how unsafe he was.  Crabs, emotional and verbal abuse that were mild enough that I thought it was my fault....always my fault. 

It is so depressing at times to think back on my long marriage to a GIDXH.   He has remarried and recently told me that ours was a successful marriage.  I am feeling so alone and sad that I devoted so much energy to a relationship that he discarded so quickly and remarried a woman within just over a year.  So no change for him.    

Meanwhile I'm in a new city, struggling in a new job and with no family or friends close by.  It is hard, but I close the door behind me at night and I don't face the stonewalling and criticism that I used to.  It is better.  I must remember my life is actually better.  Less secure, yes, but better.  

 

December 9, 2018 8:22 am  #2


Re: Things I wish I'd done differently now 3yrs post divorce from GIDXH

Leah,

Popping in here your's is the first post I read this morning.   Im about the same time out as you.

I try not to look back too much as for us old timers it drudges up bad memories and we relive it..  One should only have to go through this once.    That said,  there is processing that needs to happen albeit it here, with a therapist  or friend etc.   I think its important to process this else we go crazy.   

So as we look back..  to me its like that movie  The Sixth Sense...  I now see so many signs of narcissism from her.. going back as far as when we first met.   I see some hints of TGT possibly but no...nothing that screamed  "shes gay".   Asking college friends  (who I reconnected with now .. I can talk to anyone one I want now.).   no they did not see TGT..      No, its like the Sixth Sense and we can now throw all the mean things that happened into perspective.   But I also see now one can go crazy trying to make sense of the things our spouse did..  when in reality there is no sense...I must conclude she just had  a "broken moral core"  and I will move on..   

In a sentence Leah,  we were treated like sh*t.....but we loved these spouses fiercely ..too much and we gave strong fierce love...while they did not.      I will not be ashamed of what I did..  I was kind and stupidly gentle to the bitter end.    I think God is looking down and he can see the difference between wrong and right..    I think he knows how hard we tried.

What would I have done differently?   Like you , I should have stood up for myself more...  but then that was throughout the whole marriage...   I was kind and nice. Hindsight says I should have thrown here out..say you disgust me..   But no, I do sleep better at night knowing I was kind and not mean.  Rightously.  is in the end for  the divorce  I did stand up to her.. (no i will not go and die somewhere)...this small act at the very end , to her,  negated my decades of kindness and love..    It was enough to set off  a tsunami of rage and anger ... how dare I 
stand up to anything she was doing,  cheating, lying, hurting.   

I do not think we should beat ourselves up now..   (we have them for that...just one text or phone call and you  get all the put downs you want from them).   

No,  we gave true fierce love.    Where we are now may not be where we planned or what we wanted.  But it is so much better than be hurt by them constantly..  and we can sleep with a clear concsious knowing we did nothing wrong, that we tried as hard as any human could.      In a sentence,  I would rather live on the street in a cardboard box than go through life again with a lying cheating spouse who , for me,  turned into an abusive cruel human being..malevolent cruelty.   To  me it is priceless to be away from the hurt and abuse.   

Leah,   I urge you to count your blessings and know that  we are so much better off to be away from them..  Our regrets may be true but our actions we took were noble and right..  normal and just.  And I  believe God knows.

Last edited by Rob (December 9, 2018 8:47 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

December 9, 2018 8:42 am  #3


Re: Things I wish I'd done differently now 3yrs post divorce from GIDXH

Leah,
   I'm so sorry you're struggling and low right now.  I'm three years and nine months from the disclosure, nine months from moving out, one month from the final divorce hearing.  When I do the accounting of time, sometimes I can't believe it was almost four years ago. Three years spent agonizing over what to do, trying to accommodate for his sake, for the sake of my child, for the sake of the marriage, for the sake of the future I had mapped out for myself and had been working on all of my 30+ years of working life; and then the dreadful period after I'd decided to leave, fighting my own fears, making lists and plans, and gathering up my courage.  Sometimes it seems to me that healing/recovering from these covertly (or overtly) abusive relationships--and the process we go through to leave them--is a trauma in and of itself: the questioning, the self-recriminations, the "what-ifs" and "ought to haves."  We take ourselves to task for not seeing more clearly, not knowing the right things to do, not doing the right things at exactly the right time.  
   I believe that one of the most important ways we can heal is to let ourselves off the hook, to be self-compassionate and self-forgiving. I am sure you did the best you could at the time in the situation you were dealt.  What you say about yourself reveals that you are clearly a person of great integrity, wanting to do right by others and yourself, and were a loyal and dutiful wife and mother, committed to your family and to doing the right thing by them.  Please give yourself credit for that.  The problem wasn't you and your qualities; the problem was that you were exercising those qualities in a relationship in which you were being defrauded and in which there was no reciprocity of effort or commitment or love.
   You didn't want what you discovered to be true, and the truth of it was so damaging to your psyche that you gave your attention to what in your life you could control and wanted to keep: your role as mother to your children and heart of your home.  That is a completely understandable reaction!  
    If feels to me as if you are taking yourself to task for not knowing and seeing what you do now (and acting on it from a coldly rational self interest), now that you have the perspective of three years' distance and the emotional distance and rational understanding that follows those things--but you didn't have that then.  I hope that in your therapy, in addition to addressing the trauma and healing from it, and figuring out what aspects of your personality might need adjusting to reflect your current understanding of why you acted--or didn't--as you did, you are also actively working on appreciating yourself and being kind and compassionate to yourself.  
   I am very glad that despite the challenges and difficulties in your life now, you have the compensation and satisfaction of a peaceful home.  You can do this--you are already doing it, with integrity and courage.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 9, 2018 8:56 am)

 

December 9, 2018 11:42 am  #4


Re: Things I wish I'd done differently now 3yrs post divorce from GIDXH

Leah,

I love your post. I think it’s increadibly brave to examine and share those things that you look back on with regret. You sound like an amazing person to me. One who is kind and caring. I’m really sorry that those qualities were taken advantage of and used against you.  I’m so glad that you are free from that now.  Your willingness to put together a post like that suggests to me that you are actively processing your feelings, which is what we all need to do to bring closure to those chapters of our lives. I’m just starting all this recently, so I don’t have advice from a veteran perspective, but talking about my feelings to others has been the most effective way to put them into context, where I can find peace and move to the next stage of recovery.  Letting things out, so others can provide feedback, give us acknowledgement, counter our unfair feelings of ourselves, encourage us, and help us package it up and put it away in a safer place. Your open and honest discussions with your ex were used against you, and this was wrong, and I think your description of monstrous is right on.  Don’t let this stop you from seeking out caring individuals that WILL listen and provide support.  I’m glad you are in counseling.  I’ve only had one session so far but I can already see how important a role it will play for me.

As I said, you sound like an amazing person. I hope your post helped you as much as it will inevitably help others.

J

 

December 10, 2018 3:29 am  #5


Re: Things I wish I'd done differently now 3yrs post divorce from GIDXH

Thanks so much for the kind replies...

@Rob - yes we were treated badly and I am trying to count my blessings, but in a way that is what irkes me.  I did that so often in my marriage and stayed because it was covert shit.  I was fiercely devoted, exactly, and that and counting my blessings were part of my own destruction....it is such a mind bender....  I'm glad you are better.  I remember your early posts.  Hugs!  We both are much better.  

@Outofhiscloset . Yes, yay us for leaving!  It has been traumatic.  Packing up a home and leaving the dreams behind and all that hard work OMG!  It is almost impossible and indeed is for so many!  Congrats on your divorce - gosh it has been hard won and a long time coming! And you are right, I do give myself a hard time...I just took over that mindset too easily which is taking time to unravel.  Since when was it my fault that he poisoned the marriage endlessly and still to this day is acting irresponsibly as if it was some sort of equal decision to divorce.  I had no choice.  My choices were taken away once he betrayed me, not once but often and for MANY years and then my choice was shut up and don't mention the war or the fear and anger or leave.  I'm so glad I managed to leave.  Thanks so much for your insight, yes NO more taking my poor suffering self to task for what has been an absolute horror for so long.  It is a doozy of a story we have.  

@Jaybird . Thanks for your supportive kind words,  We are brave facing this and trying to process the unprocessable.  Not only did my husband ask for my silence, but I had to somehow sympathize with his dilemma for so long, because oh dear it is so hard to be gay/bi or just have those feelings etc.... but where is the solace and balm for our damaged hearts and minds?  It is the dark side of the closet indeed and yes we need to be able to talk about the difficulties and I am so grateful for this forum as over the years it just helps so much to feel I'm not alone in this nightmare, though I'd rather there were less of us in this terrible situation.... I do hope it helps others because as I still struggle with the self-doubt and regrets as a fairly robust person, I know that others might sink.  Indeed I have thought I might at times under the weight of the disappointment, loss and grief, but oh the solace of company in tough times...

Today is better.  It does vary widely.  But I have to have more self-care and self-compassion on those days and I tend to get a bit harsh with myself as I am determined that this isn't my narrative going forward.  I want to meet people and not feel my wounds are so easily seen or triggered.  It does take work....another day forward.  

Sending love to all, please take good care of yourselves....

     Thread Starter
 

December 10, 2018 8:21 am  #6


Re: Things I wish I'd done differently now 3yrs post divorce from GIDXH

< deleted >

Last edited by Estella Oculus (May 1, 2019 10:15 am)

 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum