Absolutely not.  You have been treated horribly since the birth of your first child.  Your wife clearly no longer loves you and has not loved you for a very long time.  I am sorry to be so blunt, but you need to hear it.  No woman who cared for you would be so cold and honestly cruel.  It is true that sexual desire can wax and wain and is often low during those exhausting days with newborns and multiple young children.  But what you describe is abusive.  She wants you to provide helpful services (money, help with children, housework) but offers no affection or intimacy.  I feel quite strongly that you are being badly used.  You deserve so much more from her.  Whether her cold behaviour is a result of her being a lesbian or not is irrelevant.  You dont need a reason for her unloving behavior.  I hope you will seek individual counseling to explore why you would be willing to accept this treatment for so long.  You are worthy of human sexual interaction also known as love and intimacy.  I hope you will one day soon take steps towards finding a partner who can provide what you have been denied so long.  And just to be clear, cheating is never okay, so what I hope for you is either a magical ( and unlikely) transformation of your wife or a divorce.

Jford,

I could have written a lot of what you wrote.  But until she had her affair I could still get my wife to have sex..she had no problem getting that from me.

Your wife is a narcissist.  As best she no longer loves you..at worst she's having an affair.
** sorry for being so terse and blunt ***

No spouse that loves the other would deny them not only sex but basic human affection and etiquette.  Its not normal. Its evil.  Its abuse.  Its not morally right.  A spouse isn't supposed to step on our basic human diginity..we have strangers and enemies for that.

So I read your post and I just wanted to say its not really or just about sex.  At a high level it's not even about gay or straight..if she is gay that just makes it more horrible and unrepairable.

I urge you to start distancing yourself also..you did nothing wrong..it's not you (they make us believe it is but it's absurd..)
Be kind to yourself and take steps each day for yourself..because she will not. 

She ended the marriage long ago from what you wrote.   You should let her go ignore and sex starve someone else.  I tried like you did for only a while and could not do it..one person cannot hold a marriage together. 

Move forward..always forward.

I offer you a sincere manly ehug (sincere and authentic..because I know what it's like to be denied even a basic human hug)

Last edited by Rob (August 27, 2016 7:21 am)

I would wonder if perhaps she has an aversion to sex because of her personal history: abused sexually at some point and/or cultural and/or religious background which considers sex dirty and not something to be desired by women?

Over the years I would think that the possibility of counseling would have been raised by you and if it was rejected or didn't help it's too late now to suggest it because she does not want to change.

Is she having a lesbian affair? It could be emotionally if not physically. Whatever it going on she's obviously is not into you.

You can't change her but you can start thinking about how you want to spend the remainder of your life. There is life after divorce and it can be good.

Thank you for your insightful comments.  You have given me sound advice and a lot to think about.

I have thought of leaving for many years.  I've been waiting for my children to grow up.  My youngest will be going to college next summer, so my wait is nearly over.  I am resolute that we will divorce by next summer; I want to minimize the impact of my daughter's senior year but I also want to minimize the impact on her first year of college.

The intent of my post was to bolster my self esteme and my hope for loving relationship in my future.  Your kind words and advice certainly help.

It has been a dozen years since we tried counseling.  During the last session the counselor suggested to my wife that we try to have sex every week.  My wife cheerfully agreed.  For a while we had sex three times/year, but that only lasted a few years.  I pushed for counseling over the years, but she refused because she didn't want someone to tell her she had to change when I was the real problem.

Four years ago I was certain my wife was having an affair (lots of sneaking around, emotional distance, and she radiated that glow of someone in a new romantic relationship).  Then I found a note in the car with a woman's names, address, date, and time.  I did some snooping and convinced myself this was a personal ad hookup (the name was a pseudonym for the person who lived at that address -- who uses pseudonyms?).  I was devastated and threw the note away.  The following year I brought it up.  I got two responses, "I can't remember everyone's house I went to last summer" and "If you don't have the note there is nothing to talk about."  And she was so angry.  If she had accused me of having a homosexual affair I would have laughed out loud, welcomed a discussion of her reasons, and spent time and energy trying to calm her fears.  My wife stormed out of the house swearing.

Since then there have been a several more clues: an earning I found in the kitchen after returning from a trip with my daughters that did not belong to my wife (my daughters don't were earrings), unusual food in the kitchen after returning from trips, 8 hours tennis games, 4 hour pedicures, etc.  I've told my evidence to two female friends (for my entire adult life, my closest friends have been women).  One thinks I'm insane and there is no way she is having an affair.  The other thinks half the evidence is enough and I'm being abused.

My nature is to accept all the blame for our failed marriage.  While I never criticized or insulted her, I was not good at spontanious dates or compliments (my compliments have always been met with a sigh of dispair indicating she doubted my sincerity).  She never liked the gifts I got her, so I channeled gift buying through our children--she would not criticize them.  But I've always done what she has asked me to do.

I am comforted by the thought that she is a lesbian because it explains the failure of our marriage without putting all the blame on me.  It is difficult to imagine anyone would ever want to be with me if I am as aweful as my wife thinks I am.  But as I've read from many on this board, I must move on with my life and be prepaired to never find the answer to that elusive question.

Thanks again for your help.

First of all only someone quite warped would treat you as if you have to bow to her with perfection as a spouse, never mind to bow to perfection to have sex. She is emotionally abusive. Trust your gut. It's more than mere friendship why you think she's having an affair. No one deserves to be starved fr sex in a marriage and then blamed for it on top of that. We get it. We here in this forum have experienced it too. Most of us have also learned that a person can be too loving, understanding, and kind to an abusive spouse because of love towRds them. We enable them to continue on as we scurry around perplexed but still trying to please that prrson. Agsin, trust your gut. Also, many men hide their same sex love interests too.