I'll be the first one to jump in to tell you that this is not your fault.  You need not take yourself to task for not trying hard enough or for not being what she needs.  Your actions or lack of them are not what made your wife's bisexuality/gayness come to the fore.  Nor are your actions responsible for her cheating on you, either.  That's on her.  Her discovering she's bi or gay does not give her the green light to cheat.  She cheated on you because she convinced herself that it was ok to cheat on you.  But the honorable thing to do was not to go behind your back but to initiate a separation or a divorce before she undertook a relationship with someone else.
   Finally, and this will be hard to hear, but your future does not lie with your wife, and you need to start emotionally detaching from her.  
    

Just wanted to post a quick thank you to those who have responded. Always great to know there are others who can relate and have experience with this sort of thing. I’ll write some more thoughtful responses when I have time.

-Dave

Dave,

I'm sorry you find yourself here. It's not a fun place to be at all. For what it's worth, here are my answers to your questions.

6. Can we remain friends?
I'd really love to think the answer is yes, of course. I think it is SO much easier on the kids if Mom and Dad are not only amicable but friendly. My parents divorced and until my Dad got remarried, my mother invited him for holidays every year. It really helped. Now, their situation was different, no cheating, no hidden homosexuality, etc but they worked hard to remember that they were each human, and as such, had human faults and frailties. I'm trying very hard to remind myself that my husband did not to this to me out of spite or hatefulness. He was lost himself and thought marrying a woman was the answer. I don't think he ever envisioned the pain it would cause me. I'm not sure if you feel the same way about your wife, but I find it helps a lot to keep reminding myself of that. 

7. Can someone please remind me this wasn't my fault? It helps to keep hearing that.
I'm certain it is NOT your fault. I struggle with this as well. "How could I not have known?? But, although I can find memories of times my husband didn't seem very into having sex with me, I can think of just as many when he initiated, seemed totally turned on and very into it. I can say the very same about an old boyfriend that I know is not gay at all. So how would I have known??? I would imagine it's even easier for a woman to hide when she's not as into it as she could be...as a straight woman I know I've hidden that at times. So I'll say it again...IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!! 

*hugs*  

Last edited by jkc1214 (December 7, 2018 3:36 pm)

Remaining together is probably desired by most of us initially, we were blindsided by this in most cases. I certainly have the feeling of not wanting to lose the person that I have built a great life with. I really want to remain friends. There are no questions of infidelity. We work together and have spent almost all of our time together for the last 12 years. Seeing each other and talking about whatever seems natural and really hasn't changed, I do not want it to change either. I know that having some separation will help me to heal and see things more clearly, I could never hate her. I will be transferring to a different location with the same company, seems like a small first step, but a necessary one from what I read on the forum. Remaining friends if at all possible would be more desirable in these situations. I believe, for me anyway that it is easier to not lose all of this part of your identity and it is also much easier if there are children involved.

As for not being you fault, I struggle with this every day. My situation may be unique in that my wife had a 6-7 month relationship with a woman right before we met. It came after a bad breakup with her boyfriend of 10 yrs from high school. The woman was her boss and offered comfort to her, she was confused and took the comfort to ease her pain. The woman got tired of her and dumped her, saying my wife was not really into the relationship. She gave no indication of interest in women when we met, we talked about it openly before we even dated. She said that some of these feelings started to return about 18 months to 2 yrs ago. I keep racking my brain thinking what did I do then to deserve this, to drive her away from me an dour family. I can think of nothing, but there must be something. Our relationship was still loving and passionate at that time. I still fantasize although it has only been a week for me, that she will find her way back to me, just kike the first time. I still love her very much and am constantly looking for clues to what happened to cause this. 

Dave, my friend

First off this is not your fault... Please believe that!  I have walked in your shoes and understand what you are going through.  It is pure hell to give yourself to someone forever and find out forever is over now.  It is tough but you will get thru this.  I found out my ex-wife cheating on me with another woman, confronted her about it and she was gone... not my decision, in fact I made very few decisions back then (end of 2016)  It was right before my 40th birthday.  My best advice is seek out people to talk to.  If you can afford therapy for yourself I would highly recommend it. As much as you can focus on you.  It's time to take care of you.  Be well keep posting.