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December 5, 2018 7:06 pm  #1


Pretty Much Over It

New here, and I must say I'm surprised to find that there are others who find themselves in the same predicament as I do. I've been married to my husband for 15 years, and I suppose I should have heard the caution bells going off the first time he suggested that we "find a guy" to have a threesome with, because it would turn him on. This was very, very early on in our marriage. I found - and find - the whole idea completely creepy and gross, but I agreed to give it a try because I wanted so desperately to please him. Also, because any sexual suggestion that I said "no" to turned into a pouting, sulking, toddler tantrum. I absolutely detested the one and only time it happened, even more so when it tuned out that he was totally into the thought of giving the other guy oral sex and getting screwed by him. After that, I told him I absolutely refused to participate. He asked me if I would mind if HE went out and found a guy - just for sex. Actually, I did mind, but in order to keep the peace (and because I didn't want any more pressure to participate) I said ok, fine. He tried everything, every sort of ad, CL, etc. but as far as I know he never managed to find a hook-up. Of course, I could be wrong about that...
Anyway, over the past two years I've had two health scares, one major, and I thought the whole "find a guy" thing had faded away because he didn't mention it. Of course, I was wrong. One night as we were going to bed, he nonchalantly asked me if I could think of a way he could hook up with a guy. WHAT? NOT what you want to hear your husband ask you, ever. I said no, not just no but HELL no. 
Which brings us to now...it started with a pair of women's panties. He just liked the way they felt. Then more panties, each pair more lacy and elaborate than the last. And with each one, it's "How do you like these on me?"
Prance, preen, pose. Then a garter belt and fishnet stockings. I told him right about then that I had no interest whatsoever in seeing my HUSBAND dressed up like a girl. "Well, how about once in a while?" "I get urges." Then - sports bras. Real bras. Lace damn crotchless body stocking. And he wanted to wear this stuff under his clothes when we go out. Asked me if he could shave his legs. (No No Hell No) Begged and pouted until I put eye shadow and mascara on him. Then, during dinner, he tells me he wants to go somewhere out of town, have me dress him up like a woman, then take him out for dinner and dancing. Sweet mother of pearl - do WHAT, now? 
He's spent literally hundreds of dollars on nighties, panties, stockings, anal sex toys, a pegging set (I tried it once to placate him, and it was horrible and made me feel creepy and cheap and just wrong.) 
I just can't anymore. It gets weirder and weirder, more and more over the top and creepy and the fixation on anal sex and dressing up like a girl just spirals out of control. I thought I could handle it if it was kind of a hobby. It's not. It's a fixation, an obsession and it's become more and more clear that this is the way he likes it. 
I'm just over the whole thing. GOT to get out of here.

 

December 6, 2018 9:47 am  #2


Re: Pretty Much Over It

Hi Nacho, 

Welcome to the group.  I'm sorry you are going through this.  But I'm glad you had a chance to vent and tell your story.   Please let us know what we can do to help. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

December 6, 2018 1:31 pm  #3


Re: Pretty Much Over It

Nacho, I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

 

December 7, 2018 2:28 pm  #4


Re: Pretty Much Over It

I"m so sorry you find yourself here. It's important to be true to who you are. His needs should not trump yours. It sounds like he's asking for a lot of things from you that you just can't do. I'd have trouble with that too. I don't blame people for having these "desires" but I do blame them for not revealing it prior to marriage. This is definitely something a potential spouse should be aware of before making a decision. 

Sending you hugs and strength.

 

December 7, 2018 3:59 pm  #5


Re: Pretty Much Over It

It is really difficult to start being "true to oneself" after decades of trying to satisfy another's needs, wants, or and / or desires. I have had to accept that during those years of denying myself in order to satisfy the GID, I had very few people in whom I could confide. Family-members were no help because they were also conned/fooled by his "charming manner". In fact, there were only 2 people who were able to provide any support, & one was my therapist.
My suggestion is that you get to your doctor first. Confirm that you do not have any STIs. And secondly, seek a compassionate psychotherapist.
Please know that you DESERVE to be loved, wanted, & cherished. This last, has been my greatest challenge, feeling worthy.  You are not the alone in this struggle.

 

December 7, 2018 4:36 pm  #6


Re: Pretty Much Over It

Nacho, there are several heartbreaking posts on this forum where husbands have tried exactly what yours tried -- they drag their wives into some kind of sexual encounter, against the wife's wishes, in the hopes that they will figure out some technique that might allow them to be sexually fulfilled in a way that includes their wife.  I find it horrifying, honestly, because to the wives, these encounters are perverse and disturbing.  It's not what "sex" is supposed to be, it's a desperate, sad and humiliating concession she forces herself to endure.

There comes a point when you are within your rights asking about why you have to sacrifice like that, just to give him some kind of gratification that eases his conscience.  When so much of the relationship turns on the issue of what gives HIM a hard-on ... does anybody seem to prioritize what might be arousing to YOU?

In my case, the thing that turns me on is the sense that the person I'm with finds me beautiful.  My husband has never made me feel beautiful.  He has never made me feel sexy.  He has never made me feel desirable.  To me, that would be a very gratifying sexual experience: to be made love to by a man who thinks there's nobody else on earth he would rather be with.

Oh well, a girl can dream.

 

December 7, 2018 7:10 pm  #7


Re: Pretty Much Over It

I'm new and so happy to have found this community.  I've been with my husband for 13 years.  The sex was never good from the start.  I didn't have many partners before him but never had any issues with sex.  He always had an excuse for not having sex the traditional way.  I would discuss this with him and he had every excuse in the book and some very stupid ones.  Like I was too short and he was too tall.  A year and half after we started living together I had enough of this and he told me "the sight of you tummy because it is not flat makes me go limp"! When I ran out of the room, he followed me crying and said he thought I would understand!  I was only 120 pounds and yes I don't have a flat tummy but I'm older and had a child.  I have suffered with such low self esteem since then. I was told my his ex-wife that she thought he was bi-sexual. I had my suspensions but didn't want to face this because he is a good man.   Takes care of me and my disabled son.  Our marriage is great except for the bedroom.  He doesn't touch me.  It seems so mechanical.  No lust, no foreplay, nothing!  When I discuss this with him he tells me that he doesn't know what to do.  I'm his 4th wife.  A few months ago I discovered gay, tranney porn on the computer.  The history show this activity daily.  I was devastated!!  When I asked him about this he said that he was just curious.  I asked him he was curious for months everyday!  He said he is NOT gay or BI.  He wants me to wear a strap on and I agreed!  I have never done this before and I have never seen him so turned on and excited ever!  He does not want any other sex now and he doesn't care if I have any sex at all.  I spoke with him again this past Sunday and he said that he has never been assertive in the bedroom and doesn't think he can do it for more than two weeks.  I've explained that his behavior is causing me such emotional pain.  It doesn't seem to matter to him.  I have no self esteem left!  I stand in the mirror and see an ugly woman and feel like a fool.  He told me that one of the things on his bucket list is to see a drag queen show.  He has a good woman right here and he wants to view gay porn.  I'm in denial I know!! I keep thinking that if I could get pretty enough or lose a few pounds he will find me attractive and want to have sex with me.  He did tell me that every woman before me had a better body than me.  I'm so hurt, confused, angry, sick, and just keep hoping that things will change!  Is it ME or is he gay!!   Any advice would be so appreciated.

 

December 7, 2018 7:45 pm  #8


Re: Pretty Much Over It

I don't know if he's gay but I also don't think he's straight no matter how much he claims to be. Tranney porn and receiving a strap on is not your typical straight male behaviour. The way he constantly demeans and insults you is cruel and heartless and I don't think that qualifies him as either a good man or taking good care of you. This may not be what you want to hear but I doubt he will change until he really wants to and that means he has to place himself under intense personal examination. If he's not really interested in women, nothing you can do will make you more attractive to him. No woman on earth would make the cut. Please take care of yourself. I don't know where  you should start but I'd suggest working on regaining your self-esteem as a high priority.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

December 7, 2018 8:03 pm  #9


Re: Pretty Much Over It

Thank you for your response Darryl. It helps because I do feel his words to me regardless of the nice things he does is heartless. I've known this all the time. I agree that I need to start working on my self-esteem. I don't know how but I will sure find out. I don't want to feel bad anymore!!

 

December 8, 2018 6:41 am  #10


Re: Pretty Much Over It

Rocky#1,

Your husband is not only gay, but he's also incredibly cruel. Your body is not the reason he doesn't want sex with you. The fact that he's gay is why he doesn't want sex with you. My GID husband has always just used excuses like "the kids will hear us" or "too stressed out" etc.There are ways to avoid intimacy without being deliberately cruel. It's bad enough he married you knowing he was gay but now he's eroding your self esteem because of his problems, not yours. In summary, he's an asshole. There is a reason you are wife #4...I guarantee wives 1-3 had all these same issues. 

You say you want to work on your self esteem but don't know how. I think step one is to get some individual counseling. Step two is to leave this toxic marriage. Your husband is never going to change, so you need to change how you react to him. You could also add in an exercise program if you're not already doing something. I like to walk. I find it very therapeutic to pound all my stress into the pavement. At the end of a good walk I feel calmer and more in control of things. Give it a try!!

Sending you strength and hugs.

 

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