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December 5, 2018 4:13 pm  #1


Help squash my hope, please

I just stumbled onto a document of my husband's where he imagines the woman he'd like to become. It's all focused on sex, at least as far as I can see. (When I asked him about it, he was willing to share several snippets with me and seemed relieved that I finally knew.)

He doesn't describe dysphoria so much as desire. For whatever reason, he also doesn't seem to know much about the subject that doesn't come from porn. (Until finding this forum, I didn't know the difference between gender dysphoria and autogynephilia either.)

He started therapy with an expert immediately, and I will find a therapist as well, but I'm hoping someone can help me with the terrible suspense.

The backstory: I knew he was sexually fluid when we married, but that he preferred women strongly and was always monogamous. He likes anal (I don't participate in that, but am fine with him stimulating himself). I'm also generally fine with porn, as long as it isn't frequent or all-consuming. He claims he hasn't looked at any porn in months, partially because we have a toddler who takes up a lot of our time (happily). I don't believe that he's cheating on me, despite statistics.

Six years into the marriage, he started wearing a men's version of women's underwear (no hole to pee out of, plain and shiny black, then later with a bit of lace). He also started shaving his groin area (and doing a very poor job of it). I have never seen any signs that he wants to wear other types of women's clothing, and he claims he never did, even living alone for many years. That wasn't his particular thing. He claims the underwear and shaving just feel good.

If he were trans in the classical sense of woman trapped in the wrong body, I would know that the relationship couldn't stand because I'm straight and cis. But I don't know what to do about autogynephilia. Fetishes typically lessen with age (or so I read), but is that true in this case? My biggest fear is that things will keep progressing. He can't promise me that they won't because he doesn't fully understand his own condition (was horrified to hear it called a paraphilia).

Someone please disillusion me. I'm young enough to rebuild my life, as painful as that would be. My husband would still have a chance to explore who he really is. The problem is that we're very happy - desperately in love with our child, living a great life in a great town, having good sex (he unquestionably wants it and is looking at/thinking about me during it), and spending time together as the best of friends as well. This is a VERY hard life to throw over for a condition I don't really understand. Please help. I don't want this to be a relationship that dies from a thousand cuts.

 

December 6, 2018 11:14 pm  #2


Re: Help squash my hope, please

Autogyneswife,
I wish I had some answers for your questions.  I just wanted to reply and say I hear what you’re saying.  I can easily relate to so much of your story.  I’m new here and I got the big shock in October of this year.  My husband and I have also been married for six years. We have a 5yr old son and a 15mos old daughter. Like your husband, mine started wearing the “sexy” men’s underwear, now in lacy underwear.  He and I are both 40yrs old and I’ve been told on this site that, unfortunately, it usually does progress.  No one ever says, “My husband cross-dressed for awhile and then gave it up.”  My husband now wears full women’s outfits at home, after the kids are asleep (my wish).  Hosiery, boots, skirts, dresses, makeup, etc.  I don’t think he’s cheating, we have a great relationship otherwise, like you said and I, too, keep asking myself if it’s worth tearing up our home over.  Should I jump ship while I could still find someone else, or endure this and wait to see what happens next?

I look forward to the other responses you’re going to get on this post.  There are many posters with lots of wisdom and support to give.  You’ve come to the right place and you are not alone. I’m very sorry you’re here, but so glad you found us.
(Hugs)

 

December 7, 2018 7:39 am  #3


Re: Help squash my hope, please

          The three years I lived with my ex after he announced he believed he was trans (he started out with the conventional story of "woman trapped in a man's body"--a scientific impossibility, by the way--but eventually transitioned to "man trapped in a man's body"--Anne Lawrence's formulation) have convinced me that autogynephilia is a condition that's hard to understand because it's so very different than being gay, straight, or even bi.  It's so individual: some men who wish to be women are still attracted to women, and some of these men who remain attracted to women may still wish to have sex with a man in order to validate their sense of themselves as women; some men who wish to be women are attracted to men, and some are attracted only to themselves as women, and are unable to make emotional love connections with others.         
        What I suspect is common to all is the attraction to "the imagined woman inside" the man would like to become--and that's where my, and maybe your, difficulty in understanding lies. Whatever our role in their life, they are also in a relationship with themselves as woman--and my experience was that the more my ex "brought that woman into being" by acting out as her, the more involved with her he became, and the more he imagined himself to be a woman. (Actually, in my ex's case, he imagined himself as several women, all very different from one another, and each with her own name!)  And also the more he needed me to validate "her," and the more he seemed to think s/he was sexually appealing to me.  The delusions grew as he acted out more.  
   For me, the process worked the other way around.  When I first found out, at a time he had decided to transition, I said, Sorry, Not interested in being the wife of a transwoman.  But when he decided he wouldn't pass and wouldn't fully transition, but wanted to act out his desire to be a woman at home, I, at first, because I as yet had no clue where this was heading, having not yet experienced it in its fullness, thought of it as something my husband wanted to do in bed that I could participate in, and even feel that I was helping him with.  I did not yet fully understand that my male husband did not wish to be a male at all, and wished to be a woman and my wife. (I forgive myself for that; it's hard to wrap your head around, and after all, he was living a double life of man in public, woman at home).   
      My focus was very much on continuing my marriage, and I hoped he would get over what I saw as an aberration in his behavior.  He was, after all, nearly 60, and I'd seen no sign of any of it in over 30 years of married life with him.  As his involvement with "himself as woman" progressed, however, and he moved his dressing activities outside the bedroom, I found it impossible to live with.  The denial of my sexual needs, coupled with his ridicule of heterosexuality and his belief that as a person who was "multiple" he was a superior being, put together with the strain of living in his closet and the unfairness of my being the one to bear any of the consequences for his double life, both outside the home and in it...I finally had to end it. 

    Autogyne's wife, I'm not sure what you mean by "the terrible suspense"; do you mean "will it progress?"  I don't think anyone can tell you with certainty where he will end up, if he'll stop at where he is or keep going, but from your post it's clear it has already progressed. It also seems clear that you are already unhappy with the situation as is (I take that from your statements that his interest is sexual and his knowledge comes from porn, suggesting you think his version of woman is an objectionable stereotype).
   If what you want is someone to validate your sense that the situation you're in would justify your leaving, and that it would be right to do so--if you want permission--then I'll put my cards on the table and say, yes, you would be justified.  You're not happy now. Your husband's activities and the character of them is objectionable to you.  Your husband's refusal to take anything off the table is selfish, and condemns you to living in uncertainty.   
      If what you're seeking is certainty, then there isn't much to be had.  He might go on as he is; he might progress; it's virtually certain he won't give it up.   I think you need to ask yourself: "Is this situation AS IS really ok with me?  Am I willing to live with uncertainty and stay in a marriage in which my husband will not limit his future feminizing activities in any way in order to stay married to me?"   And if the answers are "No," then you end the marriage.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 7, 2018 7:59 am)

 

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