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November 30, 2018 10:14 am  #1


Is he in denial?

Hi I'm new here and this is my first post. I'm in a desperate state. I also asked my question under the "Is he Gay" forum.  Thank you in advance for helping me with my confusion.

I've been with my husband for 18 years now. Married for 14 years. He was my first boyfriend and we married young. I'm now 36. He is in his early 40s. Our sex was never great. In our 20s it was just ok but in the past few years, almost non existential. Once or twice in a year and its more mechanical than passionate. I'm a very sexual and sensual person so its been killing me.

A few weeks ago, I found out on his phone's history that he's been on gay hook up sites. I checked again 2 days later and another one. I confronted him and he he started going on these sites just out of "curiosity". He says he's never met any of them in person and only texted a few. That's all.  Denies having any sexual feelings towards men. He wants me to forget about it. Blames my lack of attention and love for his action. Told me that he will see a therapist to see what's going on. I must say that I had never ever checked his phone so this could've been going for months or years.

A bit more background:
- He's been a very loving partner in the entire course of our marriage. We have a good life, with good friends and family but basically more like 2  best friends.
- He is very controlling. Doesn't like me going out alone with my friends.
- Says I'm way too sexual and crazy for asking for more sex or trying new positions
- He never gets aroused around me when I’m naked even in the beginning of our relationship
- Told me that he never had a close relationship with his dad and this curiosity is out of that lack of a man as a role model in his life
- Tells me he loves me and is scared that I leave him.
- He has been always very open minded about the LGBTQ community
- Says he has always been attracted to women and never men. Still denies it and gets angry when I bring up the topic.

I still love him very much and want to be that person he can trust and tell everything. I want to help him. Is he gay? Bisexual? Curious? Is he in denial? I'm going crazy! Am I in denial? I don't want to jump in any conclusion but I'm 36 now. I don't want to waste more of my life waiting for clarification and then get clarity 20 years from now when I had all the signs. Thank you

Last edited by Mimi (December 1, 2018 3:57 pm)

 

November 30, 2018 11:02 am  #2


Re: Is he in denial?

I think you do have all the signs. 

My opinions:
He is not straight and not Bisexual.  You have proof of this because he isn't attracted to you.  He might say he is, but you see no evidence of his attraction right?   Most 20 something guys get an erection just thinking about a naked women, and definitely seeing one.  They want sex nearly every day... and not out of "respect", but rather out of pure testosterone fueled sexual energy.  He's close to 40 now.. Should still be pretty "energetic", wanting to pursue you and instigate sex a few times a week.  After years of marriage he should enjoy trying new things (with you). 
To me it's clear he isn't attracted to the female body.  He is therefor, by definition not straight or bisexual.  He is gay...  In Denial. 

The other points you make back up the GID (Gay In Denial) diagnosis.  (again just my opinions). 
GID spouses create a persona of a straight person and need their spouse to help them keep that story alive.  Therefore they are USING us.  Using someone means controlling them to suit their needs.  This is why most of our spouses are narcissistic and controlling (as you mentioned).   Of course he's scared that you will leave him..  He will lose his beard. 
They also are quick to get angry at any hit of questioning them.  

He is gay.  He is in denial.  Please don't go crazy.  You were in denial, but are starting to open your mind to this truth.  Don't feel bad about this.  I spent 16 years sort of "knowing" but refusing to accept this likely truth because I didn't let my heart believe what my mind knew.  

I'm sorry!   I wish you didn't have to be here.  Welcome to our group.  I hope we can help you on your journey. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

December 1, 2018 6:35 am  #3


Re: Is he in denial?

phoenix

Thank you so much for your great points and sharing your story as well. I really appreciate it.

Well now I know for sure!! I dogged deeper and found out all the “casual encounter” exchanges on his computer that goes wasaay back!!!I’m going to confront him in the morning and tell him it’s over!

I’m sure he’ll deny it and say it was nothing. I just want him to know that I can help him. Or do you think that’s not a good idea? Should I cut loose? We’ve been together all my adult life. I feel very bad for him that he had to hide his true self but I’m sooo mad he kept me in hiding with him!!

     Thread Starter
 

December 1, 2018 8:36 am  #4


Re: Is he in denial?

Mimi, I'm so sorry. You have been blind-sided and certainly didn't deserve to be. You deserved honesty and truthfulness.

Before you confront him, however, please educate yourself - especially if separation/divorce is your goal. Many attorneys will offer a free consult, so consult with one. Laws vary from state to state and you just want to make sure that you protect what's yours. For example, in my state, there is no legal separation. you are either married or you or not. Even if you are living apart, all funds are marital until you file for divorce. So, if one spouse confronts another and says she wants a divorce, the other spouse could do a little love bombing and convince her to stay married (even if you start living separate lives) while he starts to spend money for whatever reason. When she finally does file, she has no claim to that money because it is no longer there. This is just an example of why keeping your cards close to your chest may be a better idea than confronting him and showing your possible hand. (And before you say that your husband would never do anything like that, truth is you don't know for sure. My spouse has done things that I never, not in a million years, would have believed she was capable of doing. Then again, she lied to me about who she was at her very core for over 20 years, so I really didn't know her at all.)

Also, you say you want to "help" you husband. What does that mean to you? Do you want to help him acknowledge who he really is? Then what? Help him move on? Figure out a way to live in a MOM? 

That is all great. Just make sure your needs are a priority too.

 

December 1, 2018 9:56 pm  #5


Re: Is he in denial?

YES!   What Stronger said...   Take some time to prepare yourself.  If you plan to divorce, meet a few attorneys and ask tons of questions and learn as much as you can.  Dig around the house and online and find financial papers and make copies of everything.  Ask your attorney (if you chose to retain one) to write orders to keep finances "status quo".   Just be completely prepared so that you can win this business transaction and come out as strong as possible on the other side. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

December 2, 2018 10:02 am  #6


Re: Is he in denial?

You are both absolutely right. Thank you so much for your pointers. And at some point it doesn’t matter how much he denies. Thank you!

     Thread Starter
 

December 6, 2018 9:06 pm  #7


Re: Is he in denial?

 

Last edited by Mimi (December 10, 2018 4:03 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

December 7, 2018 12:00 pm  #8


Re: Is he in denial?

< deleted >

Last edited by Estella Oculus (May 1, 2019 9:06 am)

 

December 8, 2018 3:56 pm  #9


Re: Is he in denial?

Estella

Thank you so much for your points and sharing your story with me. I really appreciate it. You are absolutely right.

     Thread Starter
 

December 20, 2018 7:59 pm  #10


Re: Is he in denial?

Update to my situation, we're going to our first couple's therapy session tomorrow. He wants us to work on our marriage and looks at it as an issue to be solved. By both of us! still tells me that it was all just curiosity (gay hookup sites, personal ads, emails) and nothing has happened and nothing will ever happen.

Any advice on what to address or ask during therapy?

     Thread Starter
 

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