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November 29, 2018 7:02 pm  #1


Just Started the process. Confused. Please help

Hi I'm new here and this is my first post. I'm in a desperate state. I also asked my question under the "Is he Gay" forum.  Thank you in advance for helping me with my confusion.

I've been with my husband for 18 years now. Married for 14 years. He was my first boyfriend and we married young. I'm now 36. He is in his early 40s. Our sex was never great. In our 20s it was just ok but in the past few years, almost non existential. Once or twice in a year and its more mechanical than passionate. I'm a very sexual and sensual person so its been killing me.


A bit more background:
- He's been a very loving partner in the entire course of our marriage. We have a good life, with good friends and family but basically more like 2  best friends.
- He is very controlling. Doesn't like me going out alone with my friends.
- Says I'm way too sexual and crazy for asking for more sex or trying new positions
- He never gets aroused around me when I’m naked even in the beginning of our relationship
- Told me that he never had a close relationship with his dad and this curiosity is out of that lack of a man as a role model in his life
- Tells me he loves me and is scared that I leave him.
- He has been always very open minded about the LGBTQ community
- Says he has always been attracted to women and never men. Still denies it and gets angry when I bring up the topic.

I still love him very much and want to be that person he can trust and tell everything. I want to help him. Is he gay? Bisexual? Curious? Is he in denial? I'm going crazy! Am I in denial? I don't want to jump in any conclusion but I'm 36 now. I don't want to waste more of my life waiting for clarification and then get clarity 20 years from now when I had all the signs. Thank you

Last edited by Mimi (March 2, 2019 11:02 pm)

 

November 29, 2018 7:28 pm  #2


Re: Just Started the process. Confused. Please help

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. It sounds to me like he is gay but really doesn't want to be gay. My husband is the same way. I agree with you...you don't want to waste any more time. I did that and now I really, really regret it. 

Keep reading all the stories here...you'll be amazed at how familiar they sound.

 

 

November 29, 2018 9:40 pm  #3


Re: Just Started the process. Confused. Please help

mimi,

You wrote ; 
"A few weeks ago, I found out on his phone's history that he's been on gay hook up sites. I checked again 2 days later and another one..."

So so sorry.   I know the horrible feeling when you read whats on their phone...all the blood drains from your face..   In this life I will always remember that moment. 

Just wanted to put it in perspective..  as straight guy   that if you put a gun to my head I would not go on a gay hookup site..  especially if I had a loving wife at home.

The confusion you feel is because you can feel in your gut/bones/instinct that he is lying... but your friend and spouse would not do that to you.  ...but he is doing it.

Gather strength.. it is not you with the problem.  So not you...


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

November 29, 2018 11:43 pm  #4


Re: Just Started the process. Confused. Please help

Mimi--

I'm new to this too.  I hear where you are coming from.  So sorry you find yourself here.  Although my husband of 32 yrs admits to the same sex attraction, he denies ever acting on it.  Hard to believe anything they say as much as we would like to.  Mine claims to love me and wants to stay in our marriage.  I've questioned his honesty & sexual issues over the years, but he would never be honest.  Now here I sit at 52 wondering why I allowed something that felt so odd not to at least be dug into deeper with him.  Our children are grown but we have grandchildren and have a very close family.  This has hurt not just me, but our children, in a way I could never describe.  I'll remain close with my children, but I can see no matter what the outcome, life will never be the same.

Not sure how all of this will go, but either option doesn't seem easy at this point.  I see now had I pressed more earlier on in the relationship, I might not be here at this age with these horrible options and maybe my children wouldn't be experiencing so much pain.  

Hope you get some answers to help you. 

 

November 30, 2018 10:16 am  #5


Re: Just Started the process. Confused. Please help

Thank you all for your quick responses. I appreciate your support and feels better to not feel alone.

Last edited by Mimi (November 30, 2018 10:18 am)

     Thread Starter
 

November 30, 2018 1:09 pm  #6


Re: Just Started the process. Confused. Please help

Miami,

I agree with Rob, if you have loving person by your side and if you love that person, you do not want to risk losing that, unless...

It seems you love him very much, want to help him, to be his friend, but is he your friend too, or have ever been?
It is not ok for married man to go on gay sites out of curiosity and chat or even do more and expect from his wife to accept this, support him without him taking responsibility for his actions!
What is this for him? a Trial Membership he can resign from whenever suits him, but entitled to?!

Your partner has a big problem he needs to face now since YOU know, but it does not mean it needs to be done at the expense of your happiness!
Marriage is about respect, love and trust from both parties.
He failed you on those.

But I think you are already on the right direction, not wanting to find yourself here in 20 years or sooner.

Please listen to other people opinions, like us. We live or lived your life.
I was there too and believe me that problem you just faced in your marriage is huge and will not disappear, it will get worse.
You will never have the same trust and he will get sneaky too. Him going to the therapist is good, but it does not mean that the issue will disappear. Hoply he will understand what he had done and do the right thing with his life, but on his own.

This LIFE you are living, it is NOT only about your husband, it is about you too and you need to think what is best for you, because he thinks of himself already.
Remember, it is NOT your fault! You are not giving up easily on your marriage!
He is the problem here, not you! He feels attraction for the same gender.

Talk to someone in real life. Let them to be your eyes and to be realistic about your position and keep that clarity present in your actions.
It is not going to be easy, but worth every step towards your hapiness on the end.
Read our stories. You will notice the same pattern.

You are YOUNG! You deserve full hapiness.
E hugs.

Last edited by Lena (November 30, 2018 2:12 pm)

 

November 30, 2018 3:21 pm  #7


Re: Just Started the process. Confused. Please help

Mimi, on reading your post, a couple of things jumped off the page for me.

You say he's controlling and doesn't like your going out with your friends.  That's a pretty common response when someone is themselves untrustworthy; they project that on you.  I'm sure you've discovered the practical impact it has on you, though: it separates you from your own support network.

The other thing that a lot of us go through, is the trauma of "why would he/she lie to me?  Why does he/she keep on lying to me?"  It's particularly difficult when you have been married a long time, and you actually know them better than they know themselves; they seem so honest and sincere and yet you know they're lying to you.

A better way to think about it might be this: they're lying to themselves, and telling you the "truth" as it appears to them.  So this is why he can deny being gay.  He's got a massive Berlin Wall running through the middle of his brain, preventing him from seeing all the evidence that he's gay, all the evidence that he's not straight.  After all, he'd have to be a complete monster to be a gay person who deceived an innocent woman into marriage, right?  So clearly that can't possibly be the answer.  It must be ... he's not gay.  And that's why he insists he's not gay.

 

November 30, 2018 6:40 pm  #8


Re: Just Started the process. Confused. Please help

WalkbyMyself I love your pointers.
They are so true.

 

December 2, 2018 8:29 am  #9


Re: Just Started the process. Confused. Please help

Thank you all for your amazing pointers! Such a good feeling to know I’m not alone.

     Thread Starter
 

December 4, 2018 11:23 am  #10


Re: Just Started the process. Confused. Please help

 I just want him to know that I’ll be there for him to help but not as a wife anymore.

Last edited by Mimi (December 11, 2018 3:59 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

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