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November 28, 2018 7:42 pm  #1


I am so conflicted

Good evening everyone.  This is my first post here.  I am so conflicted, hurt and confused that I don't even know where to begin.  So maybe from the beginning. 
I have been married to my wife for just over 10 years.  We have what a lot of people dream about.  3 wonderful kids, 2 cars, 2 dogs, 1 cat, and we own our own house.  I have been in a fairly successful career in the US Army for 19 years.  I though I was living the dream.  I am so close to retirement from the Army.  But about 2 or 3 weeks ago, my wife told me that she was bisexual.  She plays roller derby, and went to a Halloween party at a team mates house.  It was there that she told me that she made out with another women.  There was no sex involved, but there was a lot of heavy petting.  I was in shock, and told her that I needed to process what she had told me.  Skip to last weekend.  She had a friend come over to help her with some sewing.  No big deal, right?  I did what I normally do while they hung out in the living room.  I did college homework, played some video games, cleaned the kitchen from dinner.  The woman left and we went to bed.  I didn't think anything of it.  Then about 3 nights ago we started to talk about what she told me.  I informed my wife that I was completely conflicted.  I wanted to support her, but at what cost?  Was the price our marriage?  I have always had the outlook that I didn't care if someone was gay, straight, bi, trans, whatever, because it really didn't affect me.  If that's what someone wanted to do, then let them.  but now it is directly affecting my life.  I found out that the woman who came over was the woman she made out with.  She tells me that there was no sex, it didn't progress that far.  She tells me that monogamy isn't natural, and that she has "So much love to give".  I don't know if I can do this.  I want to accept her for who she is, but I feel like collateral damage (hence my screen name) in the sudden exploration of her bisexuality.  I am sad, confused, angry, but I still love her, all at the same time.  But I don't know if I can share her.  I don't know if I can do this.  What do I tell my children?  I have prided myself on being able to deal with anything thrown my way.  Now I find myself needing help from support groups, therapy, and questioning the entire institution of marriage.  My entire being has been thrown for a loop.  Suddenly the idea of marriage and monogamy is a fight against the patriarchy and that I am having a hard time because of how I was programmed (her words).  I am lost.

 

November 28, 2018 8:51 pm  #2


Re: I am so conflicted

You are not lost.  Your thinking strikes me as grounded, healthy and straightforward.

A constant complaint from the gay folks is that the straight folks don't know what it is like for them.  Somehow they can never see that it works both ways - they don't know what it's like for us any more than we know what it's like for them. but there is this mythology of bisexuality where they believe they know better because they know what it is like for both sexes but really just like all of us they only know what it is like to be themselves.

Monogamy is natural for many many straights.  Did she marry you saying I don't want to be monogamous?  if she had wouldn't you have thought twice?

When you say I don't know if I can share her that is again perfectly natural for us - it is wise sane grounded thinking.

But it is not the same for your wife as it is for you.  

You can understand her as best you can but no need to take on board her unrealistic expectations of you.  

You are not lost, my suggestion would be to just follow your heart re talking with your children.  You have not lost your strength, we can promise you it will be okay again in a while.  Look after yourself now, it is a big emotional shock - a tsunami sized one really.

wishing you all the best, Lily

 

Last edited by lily (November 28, 2018 8:52 pm)

 

November 28, 2018 9:49 pm  #3


Re: I am so conflicted

Collateral Damage wrote:

......She tells me that monogamy isn't natural......

 

 "not natural" ....pffft
It is to those who value it
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

November 28, 2018 10:50 pm  #4


Re: I am so conflicted

collateral,
A sad welcome..


She took marriage vows with you when you got married.. what part of the words to have to and to hold  etc
did she not understand?    

What you are seeing sadly  is her  justifying what she is doing.    Its a scary thing to watch and be part of..
its all lies and the conflict and confusion you feel is your mind trying to make sense of the lie so it is ok..
(its called cognitive dissonance).    What she is doing is wrong..  on so many levels... morally, socially, ethically  etc.   It is not ok...  this you know in your bones.       I used to shake with trauma when my GX would go out...was she going shopping with a friend or having sex?  Why should I have to wonder?   How
horribly small, insignificant and hurt I felt...   I think many of us know that feeling.   It is wrong.

You've already taken the first step writing in here.    It is a shock..   The first-aid thread is a good place to start.    Start building a support system..   
 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

November 29, 2018 9:24 am  #5


Re: I am so conflicted

I really do appreciate all the responses. It is really good to know that I am not alone in this.  Even though I knew I wasnt, hearing it from other people make me feel better about it. I have a question though. I am having a continuous conversation with my wife about this. I asked her if this other woman (who knows my wife is married by the way) knows what she has done. My wife says she hasn't told her anything because "it's not that serious". Yet this woman and my wife keep texting.  Is it wrong for me to ask to see the texts, to try and guage the truth?

     Thread Starter
 

November 29, 2018 11:24 am  #6


Re: I am so conflicted

If your wife made out with a guy and conducted some "heavy petting" how would you react? 


Why should your reaction to my question be any different than how you are currently reacting?


Do you believe that monogamy is unnatural?  Did you have an expectation of monogamy when you took your wedding vows?
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

November 29, 2018 12:26 pm  #7


Re: I am so conflicted

CD, I'm so sorry you find yourself here, and I'm so sorry for what your wife is putting you through.

I don't typically get into this aspect of my life here -- but when I was single, I used to go both ways.  So I really know what a line of bullshit that whole "but I'm bisexual therefore I'm allowed to cheat" is. 

Sorry for the bad language, I think it was only yesterday I'd promised I'd try to tone it down, but I think this is one example of when only one word will do.

Bisexuality doesn't give anyone permission to cheat on another person.  A bisexual person is perfectly capable of entering into marriage understanding what the plain meaning of the words "forsaking all others" is supposed to mean.

Please don't let anyone deflect responsibility on to you, by claiming you have been "programmed" in a certain way.  There's only one thing that matters about YOUR marriage, and that's the expectations you had when you took your vows.  Whatever it meant in years gone by, doesn't matter any more.

There are a lot of really wonderful, ethical, moral, honest gay people out there who fought long and hard for the right to enter into marriage and have everything your wife is so eager to throw away.  

 

November 29, 2018 1:07 pm  #8


Re: I am so conflicted

so say you ask and she shows you the texts - how do you know she hasn't removed the heavy petting bits, or the bits where she makes comments about you?

the girlfriend might be in love with your wife - from her perspective she probably doesn't view it as breaking up a happy marriage so much as liberating her.

meanwhile your wife quite possibly doesn't want to be liberated, maybe she likes the idea of having a husband as long as she can have her girlfriend.  there are many women like that.   





 

 

November 29, 2018 2:17 pm  #9


Re: I am so conflicted

I'm sorry you find yourself here. I am especially sorry that your wife wants to make her shortcomings in keeping her vows YOUR fault. It is not your fault at all. There is nothing wrong with expecting her to be faithful to you. If she is bisexual that doesn't give her a license to cheat on you and it's very wrong to turn it around and say that you've been programmed wrong. She's deflecting and it's a crappy thing for her to do. She's making excuses so she can have her cake and eat it too. 

 

 

December 3, 2018 8:08 am  #10


Re: I am so conflicted

So here is an update. Over the past few days,  my wife and Inhave had a lot of conversations.  Yes, I did ask to see the texts, and from these exchanges it seems as if she is being 100% truthful. We are going to go through marriage counseling in order to stay together. I am going to have to work through the jealousy and anger of her being with another woman. I have always pictured myself as a strong person. Being in the Army for so long has that affect. But working through my emotions and working with my wife to stay married is a lot better than the alternative. We both want to stay married.

     Thread Starter
 

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