OpenWound wrote:

I’m not even sure what I’m hoping for by posting this….  I’ve been feeling just overwhelmed lately and I know you’ll understand.

I focused a lot on the cheating aspect of my marriage and I’ve been a member on a different site dealing with those feelings.  That part still hurts (and will for a long time) but I realize that I haven’t worked through TGT as much as I need to.  As a new official member, I haven't really posted so I guess I've got a lot to talk about....

I’m so frustrated at my GIDH’s “rhetoric”, if you will.  How can he go on and on about liking gay sex but claiming he’s not gay??  My mind is just blown.  I tried suggesting to him that perhaps he just hasn’t met the right man but he simply claims that every time he’s been in a relationship with a man, it didn’t feel right.  Of course my counter is how can it feel right to be with a woman when that’s not what you really want physically?  How can that possibly be better??  ARGH!  I’ve also been in relationships with men that just didn’t feel right.  Because they weren’t!  Doesn’t mean I find a different sex to be in a relationship with, it means I search for the right fit with the sex I’m attracted to.  Right?  Crazy?  (Though clearly my ability to find the right fit should be called into question!)

I know I just need to quit worrying about him and his reasons, excuses, etc. but it’s so hard.  At least it’s proving hard for me.  I feel BAD identifying him as gay when he doesn’t identify himself as such.  I feel BAD being the one who wants out of this relationship when he wants nothing more than to make it work.  I feel BAD that I filed for divorce.  I just feel BAD all the time about most everything.  I don’t want to be the bad guy but even after he cheated on me for over half of our marriage and is extremely sexually confused at best, it’s turning out that I’M the one who’s wrong.  I’M the one destroying our marriage.  I’M the one breaking up our family and hurting our children.  He’s just a victim in all this.  WTF???  

Do they really believe they’re not gay?  Like really truly?  Or is it all complete bullshit and he’s just trying to keep me on the hook? 

How do I just let all this go?  I’m so exhausted.

Yup! Only 6 weeks from discovery of my ITC, GH, TransH. Feeling the same as you. It's so hard to sort out emotionally when we are being unfailingly honest and they are not. It's a bit crazy making, and I agree exhausting and overwhelming. All I can do is offer my support and total understanding. I've posted, will look at the post answers to our posts for guidance. I can say I absolutely look forward to moving, filling the divorce and gaining some help to focus on myself and move through all of the many feelings surround the demise in what I thought - and everyone around us thought was the best marriage. Oy Vay!!! Guess we're going to have to focus on ourselves when the things outside of ourselves make no sense. 
 

OpenWound wrote:

I know I just need to quit worrying about him and his reasons, excuses, etc. but it’s so hard.  At least it’s proving hard for me.  I feel BAD identifying him as gay when he doesn’t identify himself as such.  I feel BAD being the one who wants out of this relationship when he wants nothing more than to make it work.  I feel BAD that I filed for divorce.  I just feel BAD all the time about most everything.  I don’t want to be the bad guy but even after he cheated on me for over half of our marriage and is extremely sexually confused at best, it’s turning out that I’M the one who’s wrong.  I’M the one destroying our marriage.  I’M the one breaking up our family and hurting our children.  He’s just a victim in all this.  WTF???  

Do they really believe they’re not gay?  Like really truly?  Or is it all complete bullshit and he’s just trying to keep me on the hook? 

How do I just let all this go?  I’m so exhausted.

I could have written this post word for word. I'm feeling the exact same way. How can someone seek out homosexual encounters and then turn around and say he's not gay. It's total BS. But, I know for a fact that if I told someone in my life what was happening, they'd say "How can you even waste one minute worrying about his sorry ass? He pulled you into his problems and ruined your life in the process." And I know that person would be right. But yet, here I still sit, worrying about how he'll fair if I do divorce him. I worry about stupid stuff like "where will he go for holidays?" And really, why should I care? Actions have consequences and sometimes those consequences suck.

I guess that's my long winded way of saying "you're not alone in this!!" 

*hugs*

openwound wrote; 
"I feel BAD identifying him as gay when he doesn’t identify himself as such.  I feel BAD being the one who wants out of this relationship when he wants nothing more than to make it work.  I feel BAD that I filed for divorce.  I just feel BAD all the time about most everything.  I don’t want to be the bad guy but even after he cheated on me for over half of our marriage "...

First;   I think feeling BAD to some degree  is normal and OK..  There would be something wrong with you  (us)  if  you did not have remorse, empathy, sadness etc.    This makes us who we are...we love , we feel, we have honesty and integrity, we gave true fierce love.      And that is the difference between us and them.

Second,     
They may make us feel bad about the divorce  but ;  it is pomp and circumstance..  They knew what they were doing when they cheated , they knew it was wrong and what it could cost..and they did it anyway.
They,  in that moment,  chose.     They really divorced us long ago...    Us or them filing the divorce is just a formality or consequence of what they did.   

They have en-grained in us to take responsibility and to feel bad for everything..  But this we cannot own.
This is not us leaving them,  this is them rejecting us.

 

OpenWound wrote:

I know I just need to quit worrying about him and his reasons, excuses, etc. but it’s so hard.  At least it’s proving hard for me.  I feel BAD identifying him as gay when he doesn’t identify himself as such.  I feel BAD being the one who wants out of this relationship when he wants nothing more than to make it work.  I feel BAD that I filed for divorce.  I just feel BAD all the time about most everything.  I don’t want to be the bad guy but even after he cheated on me for over half of our marriage and is extremely sexually confused at best, it’s turning out that I’M the one who’s wrong.  I’M the one destroying our marriage.  I’M the one breaking up our family and hurting our children.  He’s just a victim in all this.  WTF???  

I think one of the toughest things, for me, was to realize that the guy who had been in charge of our family's finances, lifestyle, everything ... the guy who was the smartest guy in the room, the guy who went to an Ivy League school and worked at the top of his profession ... had so thoroughly tampered with the mechanisms of decision-making all these years, and I never saw it at all.  The guy who supposedly had the best interest of me and my daughter, actually had intentionally and knowingly disabled his own internal alarm-system.  

I think a lot of us went through this process ... it's incredible to us that he should actually believe what he appears to believe right now.  It means that we've placed our trust, and our family's well-being, in someone with the impulse control of a three-year-old.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, could possibly fail to see the complete illogic of some of the arguments my husband has made in his own defense.  It's stunning.  If I were to write this story, nobody would believe me.

I have had to coach myself, over and over, not to worry about what my husband thinks any more.  Sometimes I'm successful and sometimes I'm not.  I've put his best interest front and center for so many years, it's hard to disconnect that impulse.