Shocked,
I'm very sorry that you have to be here and hate the situation that you're in. Unfortunately your husband has shown a solid interest in sex with other men and had sex with them on a regular basis in the past and plans to in the future..(and perhaps is indulging currently as well). There really is no excuse for this for a man who claims to be straight. When a man has sex with other men, he is not straight. Period. He is gay or bi. And the only thing I can say about bisexuality is I believe it exists in the minds of the ones who are on the down hill journey to being full blown gay. Add the fact that he's cross dressing and pushing every boundary possible only makes your situatuon more dire, and according to what l I've read on this subject, it only gets worse.  
It's not what you signed up for. Prepare yourself and your children for an eventual exit plan. This may be hard to hear now and I know you'll rationize what a good man/father etc he's been but your going to see his true colors gradually emerge as he delves deeper into his 'woman hood'.
I wish you all the best and please know you have lots of support.

You wrote "I want to follow God’s model for marriage."  I do not think that most Christian denominations would consider the marriage that your husband wants yours change to as "God's model for marriage." Your husband is not trying to avoid temptation but to seek it out. He is trying to pull you away from what you believe is Godly and lead you into temptation.

Since you want "to follow God's model for marriage" I suggest that you dig deep into your faith and firmly anchor yourself. Your husband concealed information about himself which had you known it would caused you to not marry him. It was not your responsibility to play detective and pry the truth out of him.

If you decide that where he is headed is not where you want to go, quietly start planning your exit.
 

Give a tranny an inch, and they'll take a mile.

In my experience with my former cross-dressing autogynephile boyfriend, all he did was push the boundaries of what was expected and normal.   eg.  he couldn't just cross-dress on the road or alone. He always wanted to do it at home and with me in the bedroom. If we went out and he was in drag, he would get upset if I called him my boyfriend. When I hit peaktrans and started to stand up to him about any of it, we fought like crazy and continued to up until his death last month.

What I learned from the two years of putting up with cross-dressing fantasies and ugliness when he didn't get his way is you can't let them push you around. Had I known when we started dating, I never would have gone out with him in the first place. I tried for 2 years to make it work by validating him and loving him, but all he did was bully me so he could get what he wanted, namely to get to cross-dress all the time and call himself a woman.

You are not obligated to stay. You don't have to put up with it. You are important and if he loved and truly cared about you and his family, he wouldn't be treating you like that. Everything would not be about him and his fetish (cause it is a fetish. They just don't like it being called that.)

Be strong, sister. We're here for you.

Abby wrote:

You wrote "I want to follow God’s model for marriage."  I do not think that most Christian denominations would consider the marriage that your husband wants yours change to as "God's model for marriage." Your husband is not trying to avoid temptation but to seek it out. He is trying to pull you away from what you believe is Godly and lead you into temptation.

Since you want "to follow God's model for marriage" I suggest that you dig deep into your faith and firmly anchor yourself. Your husband concealed information about himself which had you known it would caused you to not marry him. It was not your responsibility to play detective and pry the truth out of him.

If you decide that where he is headed is not where you want to go, quietly start planning your exit.
 

I think this is really fantastic advice. 

If you are seeking justification for divorce from a religious perspective I can offer the follow based on my studies:  (These are purely personal beliefs and I'm not a Pastor or religious leader.   I only offer them because the original post asked these questions and brough them up)
From a Biblical perspective marriage is a covenant made spiritually that should not be broken with the exception of two reasons.  First is normally thought of as cheating, but technically the wording is "sexual immorality" (Mat 5:31-32).  Second is abandonment by an unbelieving spouse (1 Cor 7:15).   You are welcome to interpret what you feel is sexual immorality.  If your spouses actions and beliefs constitute sexual immorality, even if you have no proof he's physically acted on it, then perhaps you have adequate basis for divorce.  I'll add that there are mentions in the Bible that those who have thoughts and desires of sin have already sinned (lust for example).  

There is also the concept of annulment in the Catholic church.  I'm not Catholic, but I think this train of thought has some validity.  Catholics consider Marriage a "sacrament", other religions call it a covenant.  It's basically a spiritual contract.  In legal terms, a contract is invalid if one of the two parties provides a fraudulent representation of the terms and understandings of that contract.  If you enter into a contract to buy a new Ferrari and the seller delivers a used Kia, clearly that contract will be nullified (annulled).   Would it not be similar to think that if you expected to marry a heterosexual man (which is a pretty important detail) and you wound up with a homosexual transvestite man, perhaps you shouldn't be held to the contract?  

The flip side of this discussion is that I don't think God intended our lives here on earth to be "fair" as we understand that term.  Many of us are dealt challenges in life and we can't expect God to make allowances to mitigate those circumstances.  God expects us to follow Him through our struggles and be the best followers and representatives of Him that we can be.  The story of Job talks about a righteous man who's family and all belongings were taken from him due to no fault of his own.  Through it all he remained faithful to God and in the end was rewarded greatly.  The point is that life on this earth is not always fair.  We are all given challenges that we overcome or survive and our job isn't always to go around these things, but rather to remain faithful to God in the midst of it all.  If your understanding or interpretation of your religious beliefs says that marriage should remain intact unless he cheats on you, then you should remain in the marriage and remain faithful to God through the trials.  

Only you can make this decision.  I'm glad we can all have an open conversation about this topic, but in the end you have to decide for yourself what you feel is right in your heart and between you and your God. 

It's NEVER an easy decision.  I wish you the best in this challenge. 


*I can't say enough about how mature and responsible this forum has been on the topic of religion.  I've never once.. not a single time. seen anyone say or do anything offensive in regards to religion beliefs.  We all have our own beliefs.  We all have a right to share our thoughts and personal opinions.  We never force them on anyone else or openly criticize differing beliefs.  We always remember that the topic is a powderkeg and can easily offend people.   I'm glad we have the maturity to have these dicussions. 

As someone who found some proof that my husband was gay about 14 years ago and stayed, burying the truth and my feelings deep down "for my kids" I can tell you that the time to leave is now. If your kids are only 5 and 15 months, they will adjust pretty quickly and you are still young enough to go out and find a partner who is true to you and wants to be with you. 

I wish from the depths of my soul that I had left back then. I found an account on a male hookup sight. He explained it away, said he used to think he was gay (due to some abuse as a kid) but realized he wasn't, blah, blah, blah. Now my kids are teenagers and uprooting our family is going to be SO much worse than it would have been when they were little. Also, I was 36 then and now I'm 50. It's too late for me to find someone new. I'm looking at spending the rest of my life alone. 

Please, do yourself a favor and really think long and hard if this is something you can live with forever. *hugs*