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1 - southerndad
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Ready for the suck to be over...
So, it's been a while since I've been around. We got close to divorce a couple of time over the summer but didn't do it until a few weeks back. So now we're just waiting until it's finalized. We tried to do the MOM thing, but I found it very hard. She's changed into this person that I don't recognize. I say I love her and I think I still do. I know I loved the person I thought she was. But who she is now irritates the crap out of me at times. She's very much into the self help stuff right now, even saying that I have emotional issues I need to work on from before this mess. I'll admit that I'm very quiet and don't let people in very easily, but honestly there's not a huge ball of emotional stuff that I just sit and think about. It just ticks me off quite a bit that she's framing stuff to say that its very much my fault or significant portion is my fault. I'm not a perfect husband. I believe there's only been one perfect person and I ain't Him. But, I don't think this is a 50/50 issue. I'm not the one who fooled someone for almost two decades. More and more I think she does have some mental health issues that I hope she gets taken care of. The more I think about it, I think that's why I don't share some stuff with her. I always felt like she had enough on her plate with the crap she was dealing with. At this point, I'm just ready for her to move out. I hate that idea but at the same time I feel like there is going to be such a sense of relief when it does happen. I know that I'm probably forever linked with her with our son, but I look forward to when it's not always in my face.
- Scrupulous
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Re: Ready for the suck to be over...
Good for you southern dad for getting your first step in to freedom. It's so typical for these types to blame shift on to the innocent partner. So what if you're the more silent type and don't let people in easy. It's normal to be this way toward people we don't trust and even more so to those we don't trust with our hearts.
I used to be a lot more lively and out going before I became involved with a decietful GID. I recount the early days with him where I was all smiles and bounce, but once I detected his shady ways my attitude toward him became more cynical each day and the smiles were more forced than genuine. Thanks to people of 'that lot' I'm a much quieter person now due to lack of distrust. However I am getting better as
I'm sure you will too. Once you're free of her drama you may surprise yourself and be a whole different but better person.
I wish you and your family all the best.
Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Ready for the suck to be over...
You sound tortured but stoic South 
Last Tuesday when I asked my partner how his day had been he said same old/same old. Then the next morning said he was off to lunch with people from work. There's been enough lies & secrecy from him that I now expect better communication than that, but he just doesn't get it!
Anyway....something snapped (no I didn't lose my cool) I'm fucking over him only being communicative when *I* ask him questions. I've deliberately not spoken much to him for 4 days, and he seems fine with it, so I see more and more that without my input....he's even more of a closed book than I accepted when things between us were fine.
It's been almost 2 years since the confession email that rocked my world and turned my future into a question.
One more year and I may be a statistic
KIA KAHA
- JT
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Re: Ready for the suck to be over...
SouthernDad, thank you for sharing your experiences. It helps to see others further along in the process.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Ready for the suck to be over...
Ellexoh,
I wanted to say this back when you posted. I, too, was waiting for my ex to communicate, and to make the effort to communicate. After all, he'd been the one to shift the parameters of the marriage, and I had agreed to stay in it despite the uncertainty that staying with him entailed (because he would not rule out any feminizing activities in the future), so I felt the onus was on him to demonstrate his commitment, as I'd demonstrated mine, by communicating. That, I thought, was the way couples who were equally committed to their marriage behaved. What I failed to understand was that in choosing not to communicate, he was indeed communicating--that he didn't plan to open conversation. It took me a long time to understand passive-aggressiveness; what looks like a failure to act is actually a choice not to act, and therefore an action. Once I figured that out, and realized that he was telling me he wasn't committed to me and our marriage except on his terms, I was free to make a different choice myself, which I did.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Ready for the suck to be over...
OutofHisCloset wrote:
........What I failed to understand was that in choosing not to communicate, he was indeed communicating--that he didn't plan to open conversation. It took me a long time to understand passive-aggressiveness; what looks like a failure to act is actually a choice not to act, and therefore an action.......
YES ~!@#$%^&*
KIA KAHA
- southerndad
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Re: Ready for the suck to be over...
Well, at least that part is over. Today, we told our son about the divorce. She’s moving out next week. He was pretty upset. We didn’t get into details about why yet. He’s too young for that. He seems to be okay for now, but we’ll see how it goes. The two of us are heading out tomorrow for a guys weekend. So hopefully we can have some fun. Christmas was rough knowing that today was coming. And next week doesn’t look great either. But going to do the best I can for this weekend. Deal with it next week.
- •
Thread Starter- ThisSeason
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Re: Ready for the suck to be over...
I am sorry you and your son are having to go through this over the holidays. Glad to hear you are pushing through and making progress though. Please keep us updated southerndad, we are pulling for you!
- walkbymyself
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Re: Ready for the suck to be over...
... What I failed to understand was that in choosing not to communicate, he was indeed communicating--that he didn't plan to open conversation. It took me a long time to understand passive-aggressiveness; what looks like a failure to act is actually a choice not to act, and therefore an action.
I'm gonna have to have this tattoed to the palm of my hand, so I can remember it when I need it.
This is relevant on so many levels for me right now.
- Leah
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Re: Ready for the suck to be over...
OOHC - That choice that they make to just NOT communicate and then make the communication on their terms is spot on... Passive aggressive actions that deflect the reality that they are ACTIVELY doing anything. Still any communication with my ex is not responded to appropriately. He is either silent totally or the last email was all about how we need to move on in our separate lives....and so patronising as if I was calling or texting him more than 1x in months and usually to do with issues that need attention because of our sons or history. (i.e. taxes) So I feel as if I am the one who is doing something out of line when really his lack of response or inappropriate response are actually the aggressive and drama inducing actions of an emotionally immature teenager!
Amen to bowing out of that with adult responses that protect you and do NOT feed their sense of them NOT being part of the problem. I'm so careful not to respond with any drama or even anything that requires a response now. I must vent here or with trusted friends when I want to shout at him and shake his condescending attitude right outta him. My rage is at myself for letting him get to me for so long with the narcissistic abuse. It is abuse. And I feel at times it is to exaggerate, but it is not. That man abused me with lies that went on and on.... all the compassion and sympathy I had for his 'situation' while he continues to show he had ZERO for the difficulties I faced then or now due to his behaviour and lies.