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November 15, 2018 12:54 am  #1


Just Started

My wife of 18 years just told me three days ago that she has fallen in love with a woman. We’ve had a wonderful marriage and have three kids. This has come completely out of the blue for me, and I believe her own discovery has been within the last few months. I’m thankful that she is being honest with me, and want to support her in coming out, but the thought of losing her is unbearable. I’m in total shock, and having a really hard time making it through each day. Nobody knows yet, and so I feel like my whole life is fake, and about to completely unravel.

It feels like I’m losing everything. 

We’ve talked about telling the kids in a couple days and our families over the thanksgiving weekend. It feels like so much so fast.  I haven’t had time to process it, so how can we explain it to everyone else? I’m particularly worried about the kids (twin 15-yo girls and a 12-yo boy). 

I don’t want to be divorced. I don’t want to be a single dad. I don’t want to be alone.

I’m thankful for finding this network, but I really wish I didn’t need it.

J

Last edited by Jaybird (December 8, 2018 3:11 pm)

 

November 15, 2018 2:00 am  #2


Re: Just Started

Jaybird wrote:

Hi Jay....welcome to the forum My wife of 18 years just told me three days ago that she has fallen in love with a woman. We’ve had a wonderful marriage and have three kids. This has come completely out of the blue for me, the same with many of us here. Wonderful, longterm r'ships/marriages, children. It came as a surprise to many of us... and I believe her own discovery has been within the last few months. This gay/bisexual thing does, I believe, sit untouched for years while marriage, kids, jobs, life fills the persons life. But I do think it's in their head, and they do know it's there. They just haven't given it a voice yet. I’m thankful that she is being honest with me (is she?) and want to support her in coming out, but the thought of losing her is unbearable. I’m in total shock, and having a really hard time making it through each day. Nobody knows yet, and so I feel like my whole life is fake, and about to completely unravel. 
You can't do this on your own. A friend, a counselor, a doctor......confide in someone you trust.

​You've come to the right place


KIA KAHA                       
 

November 15, 2018 9:52 am  #3


Re: Just Started

Jay,

Welcome.. Please read the first aid kit thread here.   Start building a support system for yourself.

It is a shock..like getting hit by a bus.  I remember all the blood just draining from my face ..   What bothers me more to this day is not the gayness or the cheating my GX did but the fact that she thought it was ok..morally right to cheat...that I somehow deserved every curse and object she threw at me.

Know that it is a journey..alone is ok..it is so much better to be alone than with a spouse who has no problem hurting you and the kids.

Your kids will need a strong dad ..so as your wife dismantles your world and their world you need a build a support system.  Do what is morally right.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

November 15, 2018 10:02 am  #4


Re: Just Started

Thank you. I have read the documents and they will likely serve as my template for sanity for a while. My wife and I are not fighting over it. She is almost equally distraught over the whole thing, but felt like telling me as soon as she was sure was better than living a lie.  It took her a little time, but that’s understandable.  I want to maintain some semblance of a friendship as we still have to raise our kids and we’ve been best friends for 22 years.

Any advice on how quickly we should tell the people around us and what I can expect when we do.  Just so scared of it all.

     Thread Starter
 

November 15, 2018 10:11 am  #5


Re: Just Started

Hi Jaybird, 

Welcome to our group brother.   I'm so sorry you find the need to be here. 

My story is close in statistics..  16 years married for me and we had 2 kids.   
The difference is that my ex didn't try to lie to me about this "coming out of the blue".   I don't think for a second that is true.  Do you think you could all of a sudden become sexually attracted to and emotionally in love with another man?  We hear this lie very often because it absolves them of guilt.  If it "just happened unexpectedly" then we can't blame them for lying to us about their sexuality and holding us a beard to allow them to hide their sexuality.  To you it is definitely a surprise, but to her, I doubt very strongly that it was a surprise.  

I know the feeling of your life being a fake.   I felt like my entire adult life was stolen from me and all of my memories were tainted and no longer real.  

I would put your foot down about talking to anyone about this over Thanksgiving.  You are clearly not comfortable with that and you shouldn't be.  You've only had a few days to process something that will take you years to come to terms with.  Do not let her rush you into making this public.  As I said above, I don't think this is surprise to her.   She is way ahead of you and has been processing this for a long time.  Give yourself some time to get your feet underneath you. 

I also don't think you should rush into telling your kids until you've had more time to process.  It would be a really good idea to have a better understanding of what the future holds before you tell them.  Kids want to know what's going to happen to them first and foremost.  So just giving them this earth-shattering news about mom and dad having problems and possibly getting a divorce and not having anything more solid to tell them will be really hard for them... especially during the holidays.    I'm not saying you have to have everything figured out, because you can't..  Just don't rush into this stuff within a few days of you finding this out.. it's not a good idea. 

I understand the feeling of impending loss.  It's the only thing you can see right now and that is normal and natural for you to feel this way.  I was in the same place 2 years ago, so i remember it all very well.  I can tell you 100% that you will get through this.  You will experience loss, but you will also experience gain and you will find yourself and rebuild your life in a new way.  There are good things to come, but you can't visualize those things yet.  I just want you to put that in the back of your mind.. a reminder that you have a great life ahead of you.. you just have to endure this storm and you will find it. 

Our forum put together a first-aid kit for new members in the initial stages of discovery and this awful journey.  We wrote this just for you!   
http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1217
I even did a podcast a few weeks ago, which is linked in the thread.   I would encourage you to read and listen.  There is some great advice to help you survive these early stages. 

Keep coming back here..  write and much as you wish..  Ask lots of questions and share your feelings.  It's great therapy.   Let us know how we can help and support you. 

Prayers for you my friend. 
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

November 15, 2018 10:13 am  #6


Re: Just Started

I just got here myself. Still in the numb phase. I vacillate between sadness and anger. I feel for him that he had to hide who he really was for so many years, but I'm angry as hell that he involved me in his problem and ruined my life. One minute I'm grateful that I have three amazing kids with him so I'd never go back and change my decision to date him but the next I wish I had that chance. 

Like you, I really don't want to be divorced and a single mom or alone. I'm 50 and it seems kinda late to start all over. But, I can't live a lie, I'd rather be alone. But mostly, I feel for my children for all the myriad of ways this will affect them.

I have no support system at all except for this board, which I just found. I'll hold you up if you hold me up I guess. I don't have much to spare but sending strength your way. *hugs*

 

November 15, 2018 10:21 am  #7


Re: Just Started

Jaybird wrote:

Any advice on how quickly we should tell the people around us and what I can expect when we do. Just so scared of it all.

I think this is a great question..  I addressed it a little bit in my post above, but I'll talk a little more about it. 

As I said, don't do it until you are ready.  It's not fair for her to press this issue on you.  She's ahead of you in processing everything and she needs to give you a little time to prepare. 

I think there are two stages in telling people around you. 

First is something you can and should do privately to a few people who will be your inner circle and support group.  You deserve to have a few people in your camp and you have every right to talk to them privately, without your wife involved.  I would do that right away. 
"Hey dad/brother/best friend, I need to let you know that my world is falling apart and I'm going to need your help and support to get through this.  My wife just told me that she fell in love with a woman and is likely going to leave me.  I don't know what to do or how to get through this.  I don't expect you to know either, but I am going to need your friendship and support".   

Second is the "public" joint sharing of the news.  This should come after you've had a chance to come to terms with things.. I would think a couple of weeks from now.. maybe a month.. whenever you feel ready.   That is going to be a tricky situation because your wife is going to want to control the news cycle on this.  It will be really important for her to find a story that doesn't make her look guilty and horrible.  So you are going to be marginalized in the process.. count on it.  She's going to seek a way to get people behind her to champion her cause and congratulate her on her "bravery".  Just be prepared for lots of explanations of her surprise over how it "just happened" and how honest and brave she is being..  You'll look back in a year or two with more clarity.. but for right now I know you want to believe the best in her because you still love her.   
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

November 15, 2018 12:18 pm  #8


Re: Just Started

jkc1214 wrote:

I just got here myself. Still in the numb phase. I vacillate between sadness and anger.

I'll hold you up if you hold me up I guess. I don't have much to spare but sending strength your way. *hugs*

I’m sorry you don’t have a support system.  This seems like a good place to take the edge off, but I can see, as you probably do too, that very dark days are coming. I’m here though, as are many others on this site.

I haven’t told anyone yet, but I will need to soon as I can feel the need building.  I think the “private” circle of support is where I need to start, but many of our friends and family are intertwined in a way that there will be few people that I can consider “in my corner”

Numb is a good description for me as well.  There is a lot of emotion starting to develop though. I don’t have much in the way of anger, but I feel it circling around the fact that she was intimate with the other woman 3 or 4 months ago (she cheated on me) and she took a trip with the woman to Florida recently which I didn’t ask for details, but there’s no doubt they cemented their relationship.

How much should I press her about the development of her new relationship? I believe she will be honest with me, but I’m not sure I even want to know.  I’m craving to know the details, but I’m afraid it will just cause me more pain.

     Thread Starter
 

November 15, 2018 12:27 pm  #9


Re: Just Started

Jaybird wrote:

How much should I press her about the development of her new relationship? I believe she will be honest with me, but I’m not sure I even want to know. I’m craving to know the details, but I’m afraid it will just cause me more pain.

If you can convince yourself not to need details it will be better for you.  I snooped and found and heard things that will forever be burned into my memory.  It's hard enough to have a general knowledge of what likely happened, but when you start to picture real details it becomes significantly more painful. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

November 15, 2018 12:34 pm  #10


Re: Just Started

Thank you Phoenix for your words and your clear commitment to this network.

I didn’t mean to imply that my wife indicated it came out of the blue. I was just noting that it came out of the blue for me whereas  I see that a lot of people in this situation had prior knowledge or suspicion. I do think that she has maybe known in the back of your mind, but she comes from a religious family and those kinds of thoughts would be something she would be quick to suppress.

Recently she has befriended a fair number of gay women and men, and I think that these relationships have opened her mind and giving her the opportunity to realize the truth about her self.

Other than the intimate experience she had three or four months ago and a recent trip to Florida, I don’t think that this has been something on her mind for a long time. So I don’t feel like she’s lied to me for longer than I think would be reasonable given the circumstances (takes time to build the courage to tell your spouse of 18 years that you are leaving them). We’ve always had a great relationship and she’s very sympathetic to my pain, and it’s making me a priority in this transition. I don’t see her as an adversary in this new journey.  She just suggested, without me prompting that maybe we don’t do the Thanksgiving thing and that she wants to give me as much time as I need. 

I appreciate your advice about the timing of telling people and the different stages. I think I look to develop a small support network right away, and just see how my feelings about going public develop. It will give us more time to sort out what all this will look like for our kids and our life.

I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare, or learn that this has been an evil practical joke.

     Thread Starter
 

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