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November 13, 2018 10:55 am  #1


Husband confirmed that he is gay after 32 years of marriage

I suspected that my husband was sexually attracted to men, bisexual most likely. I tried to talk about it with him many times over the years, but he firmly denied it. We stopped having sex around our 25 year anniversary, which he blamed on ED due to high blood pressure. He also expressed that sex just wasn't that important to him, everything else that we share together is so much more important to him. I've always struggled with my weight, and blamed myself, gained weight over the years. I have developed a deep sense of self loathing and self hatred because my own husband doesn't want to be intimate with me. Sunday night I brought the subject up again, and he broke down and admitted that he is gay. He felt like he was bisexual, but came to the conclusion about 8 years ago that he is gay. He insists that he hasn't gone outside of our marriage, happy to watch gay porn when needed. Even though I think that I knew deep down, I feel like my world is over. Now that it's out in the open, it's really hard to see our future. He insists that he wants our life to remain the same, but I'm concerned that he is lying to himself and it's only a matter of time before he wants to start having sex with men. Hoping to find support and advice as to where to go from here. Looking for a therapist to help me cope, but thinking that most don't have experience in this area.

 

November 13, 2018 3:45 pm  #2


Re: Husband confirmed that he is gay after 32 years of marriage

ALittleAdrifet wrote:

 
8 years ago! So all that time he knew and didn't/couldn't tell you....
So if he is unable to share something so fundamental to YOUR life... because this has ramifications that will send tentacles through your r'ships and your day to day life...then it's important you do find an appropriate counselor to help you voice your concerns. And tell your doctor too. He says he's never been with a man but he's proven he keeps things from you. Get yourself tested for STIs.

I'm on my phone at the moment...not the best place for important conversations. I'll check in when I'm home in a few hours.
You've come to the best place for advice


KIA KAHA                       
 

November 15, 2018 1:00 am  #3


Re: Husband confirmed that he is gay after 32 years of marriage

ALittleAdrift wrote:

I suspected that my husband was sexually attracted to men, bisexual most likely. I tried to talk about it with him many times over the years, but he firmly denied it. We stopped having sex around our 25 year anniversary, which he blamed on ED due to high blood pressure. He also expressed that sex just wasn't that important to him, everything else that we share together is so much more important to him. I've always struggled with my weight, and blamed myself, gained weight over the years. I have developed a deep sense of self loathing and self hatred because my own husband doesn't want to be intimate with me. Sunday night I brought the subject up again, and he broke down and admitted that he is gay. He felt like he was bisexual, but came to the conclusion about 8 years ago that he is gay. He insists that he hasn't gone outside of our marriage, happy to watch gay porn when needed. Even though I think that I knew deep down, I feel like my world is over. Now that it's out in the open, it's really hard to see our future. He insists that he wants our life to remain the same, but I'm concerned that he is lying to himself and it's only a matter of time before he wants to start having sex with men. Hoping to find support and advice as to where to go from here. Looking for a therapist to help me cope, but thinking that most don't have experience in this area.

 

Drift....how are you? 
If a man thinks he's bisexual....then determines he's gay, and says he hasn't acted on it....that may be true, and it may be a lie. At 32 years my partner said he wanted to explore and "maybe even be fucked by a man one day" Will he, has he already....I don't care. He says he hasn't. I don't trust him anymore so it matters not. I'm 60, am retired, but if I wanted to I could leave tomorrow with financial help available. I am not strong enough yet. I don't hate him enough for what he's done yet (the lies, the secrets, the coldness) I'm not ready to give up the easy life I have. If that sounds shallow....it is. I had a future set in stone....I thought. 
I blamed myself too. Not sexy enough, not willing to do some of the sexual stuff he wanted...anal? fuck off! But I've learned men use this lack of self esteem of ours to their advantage. It allows them to think it's okay to do stuff with somebody else if it's stuff we're against. "I didn't tell you so as not to hurt you" Wtf..!!! 

You said..."I have developed a deep sense of self loathing and self hatred because my own husband doesn't want to be intimate with me." but really it's...
"my own husband doesn't want to be intimate with me.....and I've developed a deep sense of self-loathing because he wouldn't tell me why"
You need to shift your focus to yourself, because he won't.


 


KIA KAHA                       
 

November 15, 2018 11:11 am  #4


Re: Husband confirmed that he is gay after 32 years of marriage

Thank you for your response, I feel like we might be in similar circumstances. Truthfully, I am not doing that well. One minute I am holding it together, then the next I can't stop crying. I married my husband because he is such a sweet, caring person and I love him deeply.  Someone who gave me so much love and support over the past 34 years, something that I never received in my childhood. We are comfortable financially, and to outsiders, we look like we have an amazing life. I also could leave and be ok financially. I have been dealing with the lack of intimacy for so long, I've virtually closed that part of my life (really sad, because I used to love sex). I just couldn't keep trying to entice him in the bedroom, and end up humiliated when he couldn't do it. I don't hate my husband, he is a wonderful person, but I'm so angry that he lied for so many years about who he was. I feel like how can I believe him now, when he's been lying for so long. I plan to have my doctor test me for STD's, as you recommended, it is the wise thing to do. I am really struggling with coming to terms with the past 32 years, I would have said that the first 25 years were based on a loving couple who were partners for life, the last eight have been more like best friends with mutual goals. Now I question whether it was all a big lie, that I'm fooling myself.
 

     Thread Starter
 

November 15, 2018 1:24 pm  #5


Re: Husband confirmed that he is gay after 32 years of marriage

ALittleAdrift wrote:

Thank you for your response, I feel like we might be in similar circumstances. Truthfully, I am not doing that well. One minute I am holding it together, then the next I can't stop crying. I married my husband because he is such a sweet, caring person and I love him deeply.  Someone who gave me so much love and support over the past 34 years, something that I never received in my childhood. We are comfortable financially, and to outsiders, we look like we have an amazing life. I also could leave and be ok financially. I have been dealing with the lack of intimacy for so long, I've virtually closed that part of my life (really sad, because I used to love sex). I just couldn't keep trying to entice him in the bedroom, and end up humiliated when he couldn't do it. I don't hate my husband, he is a wonderful person, but I'm so angry that he lied for so many years about who he was. I feel like how can I believe him now, when he's been lying for so long. I plan to have my doctor test me for STD's, as you recommended, it is the wise thing to do. I am really struggling with coming to terms with the past 32 years, I would have said that the first 25 years were based on a loving couple who were partners for life, the last eight have been more like best friends with mutual goals. Now I question whether it was all a big lie, that I'm fooling myself.
 

This is all up to you Drift. It sounds like you've been keeping a dream for the future alive, but not knowing he's simply been coasting along with his secret. You,thinking you were in this together, even with the intimacy problems. 
Him....I don't know....selfishly keeping a part of himself from you and secretly reveling in porn, chatting with other men online (maybe even meeting them)...? So when I say "it's all up to you" I mean you can't rely on the man keeping secrets to help you through this. You don't need "sweet & caring" at the moment, you need "strong & trustworthy".
When I joined the forum I found many members were suspicious of me. I was still with my partner, didn't speak about him using an acronym, and still had hope. But everyone here is a teacher, everyone has an opinion. Some are more forthcoming with their opinion but that's because we're all at different stages in our journeys and many are already (or almost) through to the other side, would rather speak of the end of their journey to those still at the start. 

In the Index...General Discussion Section there is a First Aid Kit.....have you read it? Lots of important & valuable info/advice.
Also...you can't do this alone. You'll need to confide in someone. Soon.

When your husband said he wants your lives to remain the same....he's saying he's scared of coming out and losing you as his cover. That is so fucking unfair!

Breathe deeply Drift


 


KIA KAHA                       
 

November 17, 2018 2:30 pm  #6


Re: Husband confirmed that he is gay after 32 years of marriage

Hi Adrift

About finding a counselor, you'd be shocked at how common this is, I am!  You'll probably find one easily that specializes in this area or look for anyone who specializes in sex counselling will probably have some experience..  

You mentioned how caring and supportive your husband is.  I believe in gut feelings, and judging by your previous concerns re his sexuality it sounds like your intuition is in working order.  What does your gut say to you.  Is the rest of your life together going to be happy?  Are you going to be happy in a marriage together?

Don't let his lack of interest in the bedroom cause you to loathe yourself.  You're a good person and there's nothing wrong with you and there never has been.

There are support groups online for woman in your situation.  You could try Alternate Path.  Or if you list the city you live in there might be someone on here that can direct you to a group support meeting.  Like I said previously this isn't as uncommon as you might think and surely there are others in your area you could find for support.
Vicky


 
 

November 19, 2018 9:34 am  #7


Re: Husband confirmed that he is gay after 32 years of marriage

Hi Vicky,

Thank you so much for your support. Your advice on finding a counselor has been very helpful and I think I may have found one that would be a good fit. I hope to get an appointment this week, but the timing isn't great with Thanksgiving on the horizon. In addition, we leave on Friday for a week's vacation with our daughter and her husband in Florida.

My husband and I have had some really open and honest conversations over this past week since he came out to me. There have been many painful moments, making me question everything over the past 34 years. I am trying to come from a place of love and compassion, while still being able to process my own feelings. I know that I may sound naive, but I do believe much of what he has told me.

My gut tells me that for now, our marriage will continue to be based on love for one another, mutual commitment, & a deep friendship. It's clear to me that we won't have a sexual relationship ever again, and I have to figure out why I don't think I deserve this in my life. I have read that people in MOM's often have an open marriage, but I'm no where near being able to think about it now. I am still attracted to him and even though our sex life evaporated years ago, I can't imagine being with another man at this point in my life.

We are looking at Alternate Path for now, and I was put in contact with another women in my area in a similar situation. Really appreciate any support that I can.

Thank You Vicky
 

     Thread Starter
 

November 20, 2018 10:40 am  #8


Re: Husband confirmed that he is gay after 32 years of marriage

Hi Adrift
You could also try Annie Tulk, just google her name she does counselling long distance.  She's Canadian and her now ex-husband was gay, she came out the other side and became a psychotherapist to help other people in her situation.  She also moderates a local SSN group so tons of experience.  She wrote a book you could look it up if you're interested in her story. 

There are no right and wrong paths.  You'll figure yours out.  I hope along the way you do what you need to do for self care.  A bit of my story is that prior to discovery I was so wrapped up in kids and running the house and keeping everything together, including a full time job and I became last on the list.  When my world was rocked almost 3 years ago I re-evalutated a lot about my life thinking what I want, something I had never really done.  I try to do more for myself now than I did before.  Long story short, you're lives have been intertwined for so many years you need to untangle them.  There's no rush to figure this out by tomorrow so be patient and let the dust settle and with a clearer head you can decide what needs to be done.
Take care
Vicky


 
 

November 24, 2018 5:58 pm  #9


Re: Husband confirmed that he is gay after 32 years of marriage

Your story sounds very similar to mine. I found homosexual porn on our computer 14 years ago. At the time, my husband convinced me he was bisexual, that he was committed to our marriage and would give up his porn addiction. We’d get serious about our faith, put his healing and our marriage in Jesus’ hands and all would be well. Our children were 4 and 6 years old at the time. I kept his secret and for a while our marriage looked liked it would be healed. But slowly, he began blaming my anatomy for his ED. He gained a lot of weight and his health was so poor that 2 ½ years ago he had gastric bypass surgery that reversed his diabetes, cholesterol, and hypertension. He’s lost 70 pounds and continues to get wonderful reports from his doctor. But at home, he has become more and more angry toward me, disrespectful, substance abusing and self destructive. On Nov. 8, I found a secret email account of his where he had saved communications with an anonymous man from Craig’s List where he invited this man to our cabin for sex. When I confronted him, his story changed from “the meeting never happened” to “that guy only wanted to text”. Later I discovered 7 Apps he had downloaded on his iPad that were for gay hookups or chats. He is trying to convince me that although he does still look at porn, the hookup sites were just for him to see if other men have the same issues that he has. He says he loves me and wants to keep his family. I have caught him in so many lies over the past two years alone, that I cannot believe anything he says, yet a part of me wants so desperately to believe him. My pastor wants us to let him counsel us. We have been married for 31 years. Right now I’m putting on strong appearance for my 18 and 20 year old kids, but I’m not sleeping, barely eating and am crying secretly in my closet. We are separated. We’ve both taken STD tests which thankfully have come back negative.

 

November 24, 2018 7:53 pm  #10


Re: Husband confirmed that he is gay after 32 years of marriage

ALittleAdrift wrote:

Thank you for your response, I feel like we might be in similar circumstances. Truthfully, I am not doing that well. One minute I am holding it together, then the next I can't stop crying. I married my husband because he is such a sweet, caring person and I love him deeply.  Someone who gave me so much love and support over the past 34 years, something that I never received in my childhood. We are comfortable financially, and to outsiders, we look like we have an amazing life. I also could leave and be ok financially. I have been dealing with the lack of intimacy for so long, I've virtually closed that part of my life (really sad, because I used to love sex). I just couldn't keep trying to entice him in the bedroom, and end up humiliated when he couldn't do it. I don't hate my husband, he is a wonderful person, but I'm so angry that he lied for so many years about who he was. I feel like how can I believe him now, when he's been lying for so long. I plan to have my doctor test me for STD's, as you recommended, it is the wise thing to do. I am really struggling with coming to terms with the past 32 years, I would have said that the first 25 years were based on a loving couple who were partners for life, the last eight have been more like best friends with mutual goals. Now I question whether it was all a big lie, that I'm fooling myself.
 

Alittleadrift. I have a similar circumstance with the ITC, and the in-denial, saying it was just a porn thing, however there are multiple gay chat accounts, CL responses, photos of him CD in my clothing, pics of his genitals, email messages from profiles, expensive purchases of black leather purses that he says he didn't know why he purchased except to masturbate to. And it was all in secret from what I can ascertain online, for the last 3 years although I suspect it has been going on throughout our 18 year marriage in some form or another. What is amazing is also the self loathing, and wondering why the husband is not attracted to me, head ED at an age much too young for that, says that introducing kinky and anal sex is dirty and he would never do that to me. I too, shut down that part of my life, began sleeping in a different bed. He swears he has not broken our marriage vow and doesn't consider his porn activity, chats, photos cheating because he did not actually have sex with anyone and only did this when I was on vacation or out of town which he frequently convinced me to go/do. He, himself is hell bent on my keeping his secret to his family, community, colleagues and on social media, because he says it is no ones business. He refused therapy and he drinks to supress all the supression (it's very clear to me). Our life became very supressed, no friends, social life, activities, no birthday presents or cards, acting up/out and ruining holidays. I can only spiritually think that he has his own brand of guilt and self-hatred and so did not want to participate in life with me anymore or with anyone because the thrill is in the secret life he has been leading. I too find myself crying ALOT! At every turn. I am lucky that I am grieving and venting, because he is helping with the downsizing and packing, as I have decided to leave my marriage and move closer to one of my adult children. He is hiding, even from himself, although is not fighting my leaving and even suggested we just divorce, as long as we are creating a support agreement with a mediator.

The hard part was the love between us, the life we built together, leaving all of it, so suddenly because I know what my limitations are. My friend said, it is like grieving the death of your spouse, because your spouse as you knew him is not the same man with these revelations. It is a round robin of anger, shock, accusation, grief, sadness, tears, recrimination, blame, acceptance. It seems it is unavoidable when untangling a marriage/relationship despite the reason....however this also smacks of betrayal and abandonement which occurred long before the break up.

I am feeling that I deserve more even though the fabric of my life is wrapped up with my husband. He does not want me to leave, but would not accept counseling. I can only speak for myself, when I say I'm not sure it would help since he knows he is ITC and in-denial. It's not my job to help him come to terms with it and I believe staying will just delay my own healing and ability to feel free, loved, valued, adored and sexually interesting as well as being able to some day in the future, feel real intimacy with a hetero man the way I remember it to be. So I will do counseling later. 

It's only been 5 weeks since my discovery, although many signs along the way that I chose to ignore. I felt compassion at first, but now more of feeling of betrayal has set in and I find I have less patience with him. He too has a cultural and religious situation that probably helps keep him on down low....but it is not my problem. We are all in this together as straight spouses and I will follow your story and keep in touch here. Thinking of you in solidarity. Keep those tears coming...I find they are cleansing and I share them with my ITC, GH, Trans husband. It allows me to be me, because he is being him. Don't hide. *big mutual virtual hug*
 

 

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