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Tue Aug 23 11:51 pm  #11

Re: Lucky or delusional?

Quote: "Is it better to have an unhealthy marriage with a straight person or a healthy one with a lesbian?"  

What if you dared ask yourself what a "Healthy marriage to a straight spouse" would feel like to you? You deserve every bit of love, peace, total fulfillment (and a great sex life) as your wife.

I understand how scared and lonely the future may look like at this moment of unveiling, as I have also been in a lengthy marriage, 25 yrs. We too kept busy being preoccupied by life so we didn't have to face the elephant in our marriage. But one day a year ago I found myself crying, all alone as i looked at my beautiful home we built over the years and said "What the fuck does any of this matter?!" I am completely bankrupt emotionally & spiritually fro having lived so long like productive zombie. I realized that if I didn't make a change & leave this sad, sexless marriage, I will be dead within 5 years: I didn't know what it looked like, getting out & moving forward, but I knew my soul needed more than what I had been feeding it. 

I'm extra petrified, only being a month out of telling my husband I want a divorce, worried about all the things you mentioned: being too old to start over, being an introvert, truly enjoying my husbands company 60 % of the time (we make a great team on so much of our daily lives & in business & can't imagine I will ever find that again). Add to that I'm extra whipped being a woman who has been dependent financially due to health issues. But I STILL believe I should take a leap of faith & head out, searching for something healthier. Even if it means never marrying again. Okay, 40% of the time I'm this optimistic & determined lol!, but only 2 weeks ago I was curled in a ball wishing nothing more than for my husband to not be GIDTG & for him to apologize profusely for being a dumbasslyingselfishjerk and promise to magically reverse this whole shitshow.

Yes, not firmly & truthfully acknowledging one's needs is waaaaay easier than jumping off a cliff without a parachute, but then I could only expect another 25 of the same misery & loneliness. Probably worse, as they never hit the "reverse & delete button" in their sexual expression. 

You deserve every bit of love & happiness as your spouse. Please be honest & kind to yourself moving forward.


Wed Aug 24 2:26 am  #12

Re: Lucky or delusional?

Hopeful: Do you love your wife? Are you attracted to her? Do you like to touch her? Do you sleep together? Why has your marriage been "asexual?"
Any fellow can order generic Viagra from India and it works very well and it's not expensive. You ask me how I know this?
Have you seen the book, "The Sex-Starved Marriage," By Michele Weiner-Davis? The first chapter can be downloaded free. Check it out!
I say, let's ramp up the heat in the bedroom and enjoy yourselves. She may "forget" these longings for something else!


Wed Aug 24 7:24 am  #13

Re: Lucky or delusional?

Sorry you are here. I don't understand how you can stay married if your wife is a lesbian. To quote someone else - you don't set yourself on fire to keep your partner warm. I just don't see how this would be healthy if you stay.  Would you be okay if ishe was with another guy ?   You may have had some insights into you what you think is your contribution. But seriously it's early days of long journey.


Wed Aug 24 8:52 am  #14

Re: Lucky or delusional?

Thanks Laurence.  I don't know if we still stay married.  The reality is, I've been married to a lesbian for 20 years, and many of those years were good.  I would not be okay if she was with another guy, or a girl.  And she hasn't least not yet.  We both know if she needs a relationship with a women that it's over between us.  That's what we are working on. My sex drive is healthy, hers is not.  Her emotional drive is healthy, mine is not.  We are working to reconcile the two.

     Thread Starter

Wed Aug 24 9:57 am  #15

Re: Lucky or delusional?

hopeful wrote:

Thanks Laurence.  I don't know if we still stay married.  The reality is, I've been married to a lesbian for 20 years, and many of those years were good.  I would not be okay if she was with another guy, or a girl.  And she hasn't least not yet.  We both know if she needs a relationship with a women that it's over between us.  That's what we are working on. My sex drive is healthy, hers is not.  Her emotional drive is healthy, mine is not.  We are working to reconcile the two.

You sound very optimistic about the situation.  I pray that you can work things out.  I thought for a while that my wife was bi.  Bi can stay happily married.  Bi works.  If she has a desire for you and can remain happy being with you and can find satisfaction, you will be just fine together. 

What I found out was that BI was not true.  It was a lie.. she was easing into the truth that she wasn't BI.. she is a lesbian.  She had no sexual desire for me.  Her lust and desire was only for a female and she came to the conclusion that she couldn't be happy in life unless she is with a female.   So my hopes of working things out were utterly destroyed.  

I hope for better for you.  

I think you should ask her an honest question..   When she is alone and thinks about sex, lust, etc..  how often does she lust after a woman and how often does she lust after a man.   If it's only women and she can't remember the last time she thought about a guy..  you have your answer. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Wed Aug 24 10:08 am  #16

Re: Lucky or delusional?

Confused:  Yes to all.  My sex drive is not the problem, no viagra needed.  This may sound weird, but I don't want her to "forget" her longings.  She is who she is.

     Thread Starter

Wed Aug 24 10:21 am  #17

Re: Lucky or delusional?

Thanks Whatasham.  It sounds like we are in very similar spots.  At this point I just want to purge myself of all the shit that doesn't matter.  The house, the job, etc, and focus on what does.  My wife, kids and myself. Maybe find some hobbies, hobbies that just I want to do, that make me happy.  Then, maybe I'll be a better person, a more complete person, and maybe, just maybe, my wife an I will reconnect.  I'm realistic about the probability of not being able to deal with her gayness, but I want to try.  After 20 years, what's 1 more.  

     Thread Starter

Wed Aug 24 2:15 pm  #18

Re: Lucky or delusional?

Hi Hopeful - welcome.  You have a very good attitude about the whole thing.  It sounds like your wife has been open about it and that's a very different path than most of us had to take.  However,  I do question why it took her 20 years to tell you.  most of us have found that no matter what our spouses say, they knew long before they admitted it.  So - that said, I would just caution you about setting a time frame.  I know you said what's one more year and I tend to agree with you.  But be cautious of not letting that year grow into two and then five and then ten. 

I know you said you understand that you didn't "make" her gay.  However, you also say that you feel her lesbian side emerged to fill the void you caused.  No, it didn't.  There is no husband or boyfriend on the planet who could ignore me enough to make me want to be with a woman.  None.  I also very much question the bi-curious comment.  No one comes out and then says I told you because I'm curious.  Most come out after they have had a long time to think and are absolutely sure.  Otherwise - why risk a marriage over being curious?  I also question why she sent you here.  If she read even some of our posts she knows that 99% of our cases did not end well and the other 1% are just in limbo.  She also knows that we tell most people to run the other way because we typically see people back here in a year or two after they get burned again by a partner who was bi-curious. 

These are just all observations from the other side.  Take them all with a grain of salt and do what is right for you.  Don't put so much of the blame on yourself.  In every marriage there's a little bit of taking people for granted.  We're probably all guilty of it.  So - assuming this doesn't work out and your road leads you to someone new eventually, just put this experience under your belt and remember to show love, do the little things, not take for granted, etc.  But I promise you, you did not cause her lesbian side to emerge.  Could crappy treatment speed it up?  Possibly, but only because it caused her to see she was ready to have it emerge. 


Wed Aug 24 2:47 pm  #19

Re: Lucky or delusional?

I wish you luck hopeful... sincerely.

My gay ex became so cruel.   She then started listing all these things about why she wanted a divorce..all untrue and out of left you didnt take out the trash.

Even now , we're divorced...a divorce she wanted.. I still get angry texts about how I was never around.
I went to work and came home as early as I could..I took the kids to all their events if I got home early enough.  I centered my entire life around her and the kids.   As a mortal human and not a god I could not have treated her any better.    This I know in my bones.  So when they say we didnt do this or that   ok..
but in my case its all untrue.. She's rewriting the past to make me out to be some horrible husband..all while not mentioning the elephant in the room..that she had a gay affair with a woman and decided she was better than me.    In effect, she'll use any reason under the sun to explain the divorce but the real reason..

I sincerely wish you work things out with your wife.   In my case she wanted something I could not provide...there was nothing left for me to give.  no hours left in the day ..nothing that I could have done.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Wed Aug 24 6:16 pm  #20

Re: Lucky or delusional?

Keep this in mind, if you allow your spouse to go 'explore' you do run a risk. If she makes an emotional connection to another woman, and it is reciprocated, even pursued by the other person, you may be facing a competition for your wife's affections that you cannot win. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't, just be kind to yourself and always make sure you have a plan for all possible outcomes.


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