Hi hopeful ,

I’m so sorry you find yourself back on here.  I feel for you, I really do.  I have a feeling that others will be along with better advice then me.  My few thoughts, please don’t feel like an idiot.   You fell for your “best friends lies” we all did.  Especially early in in the relationships “he’s angry with you”, turning the fables on you.  An absolute classic move.  No , you did nothing to deserve it.   Now you’re pregnant again.  A tough time to be dealing with all of this.   I just wanted to say hi, keep posting.   I’m going to defer to others who may have had experiences closer to yours.

I can only add that looking back to the beginning of my 22 year marriage, I can remember catching him in lies.  Getting deflected.  Being told “I’ll never do it again” and then believing him, because I WANTED to believe him.  Because I was like you, he was my ‘best friend” and my entire world.  Best wishes, keep posting. I’m sure others will be along.

Should probably say I was all those things, but have obviously changed perspective over the last 2 year's.

Hopeful,

Welcome.

You are not,alone..you have folks here, you can build a support system and you have a god.    It took me sometime to realize that alone is ok..if not being alone means living in  hurt, lies and abuse...no alone is much better.
I do not lie cheat or steal on myself.

You and us gave true honest love..we were "all in". They apparently could not. We have nothing to be ashamed of.  Do not beat your self up about it..if you're like the rest of us you have your wonderful spouse to make you feel bad/guilty/demeaned etc.. Do not jump on his bandwagon.  I found when I started taking my strong fierce love and giving it back to myself I felt better.. These spouses do not deserve our fierce love..they have forfeited all rights and or I privileges with the lies and hurt. They will never comprehend the honest love we have.

Start building your support system..the lies will eat you up..ie if he meets a guy for a beer is it two buddies getting together or a date?  Why should we have to wonder?  One does not do that to someone they truly love.   

We cannot change them or the past.. But we can free ourselves from the hurt and abuse.

A sincere ehug..

Thanks for your replies. I told him yesterday that he doesn't get to define cheating that he did cheat regardless of whether physical or not, I now look back and see the pattern of behavior and it is beyond hurtful.

He made me feel very loved during this time!! I feel like it was a charade.

I cannot stop thinking why does this happen to me.  I chose this man as my husband because of the appearance of how much he was in love with me, and how wonderful he treats me. He still treats me this way but my respect for him has dissipated, my trust is demolished and many times i look at him not with love but disgust.

This entire time he repeatedly said there was no email account and I drove myself insane over it. My gut was on fire, and for good reason.

I love him immensely, part of me wants to stay for this baby and because of our family dynamics. Before, I could just leave, but now I feel stuck and worried that the remainder of our marriage I will be struck with wonder, wondering who he is, where he is, and what he is doing.  Every change he makes I will look at him with a microscope and think he is being unfaithful.

Part of me wants to leave and with my terrible track record of men, never date again. I have been with an abusive man who cheated our entire relationship, and now ive been with a kind and sweet man who has cheated from likely the day we even married. This was far worse than the abusive man because i never expected it. He acted so in love with me. i don't think I can handle anymore heartbreak in my life.

Ever since I found out about this 2 year's ago, he is not happy the way he used to be.  Neither am I.

I don't know if it's him knowing how unhappy i am, or that he is unhappy with the lack of men in his life now.

While I dont think he is full on gay (he gets boners at the drop of a hat) , I do think he is bisexual like myself. But I was able to repress my sexuality because I committed to him, why couldn't he do the same? How much do i really truly mean to him if he did this so early on? Who am I really to him? Why did he do this to me?

I feel like i am torturing myself.

Sorry Hopeful,

But I have to echo Iamthelorax,  I was contemplating this morning after thinking about some of the recent postings.  That the past two months participating on this forum has been very beneficial for me.  I realized that I really have forgotten all the "beautiful memories" of my early life with my XH.  All I can really remember anymore is years of just TORMENT AND MENTAL ABUSE.  Sadness, desperation, loneliness.  Thinking of my XH, I'll borrow some of lorax's words.  He was nice and sweet in the BEGINNING, with the purposeful intent of using me as his "wife" , his cover to the world and himself because my XH did not want to be Gay (still does not).  But he ended up becoming a very sick and pathetic man.  I realized this morning that the only boundary I ever really set, that he did not cross, was that he never hit me in all the years we were married.  I used to joke, that would be the last thing you ever do.  It almost was AFTER I left him.

You talk about "charade" and how you have both been unhappy since you found this out two years ago.  It's not going to get better.  Your "track record with men" can change.  But you have to work on you.  Learning about co dependance and working on your own self esteem.  Finding out who you are and can be.  If you do the work, if you find the courage to stand on your own two feet.  If YOU get healthy, then you could change the mistakes of the past.  Hugs and blessings out to you honey.