Hi Daisy.

I've also written about my discovery, which actually took place over a few months.  Like you, I didn't say anything at first -- I wanted to control the timing, and I wanted to think through exactly how I wanted to present the issue.

I had no idea what to expect, and the reaction 4everdamaged describes was definitely one of the many scenarios I was worried about.  It didn't play out that way for me, but it is something we all need to recognize as one possibility.  So I was trying very hard to get away from the language of "confrontation" knowing that "confrontation" with my husband was likely a one-way ticket to hell.

I needed a few months to work things out in my own mind, but also in the interim I did some snooping and discovered things had gone much further than I would have originally suspected.  My new mantra is "knowledge is power" and you need to be clear-eyed and know as much as you can know before you initiate this conversation.

So I didn't want a "confrontational" approach, and I rehearsed in my mind how to make it more conciliatory. 

Second, I found a way to make it "all about him" since everything in this marriage from day one has been all about him and his needs and his happiness.  So I used that to my advantage.

Third, I used a tactic that telemarketers use when they call with a script: don't give the other person an opening to interrupt and divert the discussion.  Don't ask questions, or request explanations.  It's only an invitation to more lying and dissembling.  Do like the telemarketers do -- at most, make a statement and say "don't you agree?" at the end.  

Fourth: don't tell him HOW you figured it out.  Don't give away your methods, and don't give away how much you know already.  You know enough to know that he's gay.

So I picked my day well in advance, and when that day came, I was shaking from head to toe but I forced myself to go upstairs, turn off the radio, sit down, and just come out with it.  I said "I have only recently come to understand that you've been living a double life, and I've also only recently come to understand how deeply involved you are and how long this has been going on.  You cannot possibly be happy."

That's what I meant about a conciliatory, non-confrontational approach.

He actually turned out to have a rehearsed speech ready, which I imagine he'd been preparing for years.  He said it would be easier to discuss if I just told him how much I'd figured out, and I responded with complete and absolute candor: "You have a longstanding history of only confessing to stuff you know you've already been caught at, so I'm not going to discuss how much I've figured out or how I know."

That's what I mean about not giving him an opening to challenge your proof, to gaslight you, to debate the nuances of what you found and what it means.  You know what he's been doing.  By next summer, you may have also found out that he's been acting on these attractions.

I had also given a great deal of thought to what I wanted to happen going forward, again, using the tactic where he doesn't get to debate me over whether or not I can be persuaded to buy a more innocent interpretation of the facts.  This is a really good exercise for you to get through -- the question you should be facing is "What do I want next?"  You're nowhere near being in a position to answer that, but you're smart that you're taking this time now.

In my case: I told him that our daughter would have to be told, and it would be better if he told her himself but if he couldn't do it, I was going to do it myself on a certain date.  I told him that I wanted to be more involved in our financial decisions, and that I wanted to see all of our account statements.  I told him I hadn't yet decided what I wanted to do about the marriage, but that I would not be lied to in my own house -- that was an automatic dealbreaker for me.

All in all, there were some surprises for me.  My husband was very calm and conciliatory, and took full responsibility.  He may have spent a bit too much time wallowing in self-pity, but at least he didn't blame me.  He told me (in his obviously rehearsed speech) that he'd "always known" that he was "bisexual" (a characterization I would have challenged, but I let that slide).  So he had been lying to me from day one of our marriage.

That was a shock, because I had assumed he was somehow in denial the whole time.  It wouldn't ever have occurred to me that he knew all along and didn't care.

I learned that he did not consider lies of omission to be the same thing as lies.  Thus, he didn't think he was lying to me by stringing me along pretending to be straight.  I shot that one right down, but in later conversations he has tried the same lame tactic with me.  It's part of why I did ultimately conclude that the marriage would have to end: I'm not going to stay married to someone who is dishonest with me.

I was deeply shocked at the level of self-pity and narcissism he displayed.  That was not something I was expecting at all.  For example, he had cut me off sexually twenty years ago, without explanation, and I spent twenty years thinking he had ED (exacerbated by alcoholism).  So when he was explaining himself in this conversation, he said "Was I supposed to be celibate?" as if I had somehow forced this choice on him, and not the other way around!  And when I pointed that out to him, that he'd forced me to be celibate, he responded "But how would that have been fair to ME?" as if the sheer logic of that was so self-evident that I could hardly fail to be persuaded by it.

So anyhow, my takeaway from this whole discussion: I think you have to be prepared for any reaction (including something like 4everdamaged's experience) and if possible try and present things in a way that avoids confrontation -- but at the same time don't be so timid about avoiding confrontation that you fail to call him out on his BS if he tries it.  Try to work out a way to frame the issues so you head off any discussion of whether YOU are imagining things or over-reacting or just plain wrong and suspicious and all that.

We're all here for you.

Yeah, I think the biggest issue for me was that even with everything I'd gone through with this man ... I couldn't see a marriage surviving if one person is dishonest.