Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



October 15, 2018 11:14 am  #1


Questions for spouses of trans people

I've gotten some excellent feedback recently regarding how the SSN forum and the SSN as a whole supports those with trans spouses.   In short, it seems like as an organization, we have fewer resources and less experience to help. The likely reason for this is that spouses of trans people were a very small population of the whole.  However, if our forum here is any representation of reality it seems that the ranks of spouses of trans people is growing at a faster rate than those spouses of gays and lesbians.   So.. from the Board of Directors of the SSN - we want to do a better job. 

I want to ask a couple of questions. 

1.)  Would it be helpful to have a forum subsection devoted to spouses of trans people? 
I know we've talked about this before and at that time it seemed we had very few spouses of trans people, so it seemed like it would segregate those members and they didn't like the idea.   But, I want to ask again now that we have many more people on board.   
My opinion: I want to stress that creating a new sub-section would not quarantine or separate you from the rest of the group.  You would still be free to post in all of the other sections.  But having a sub-forum for trans issues would help focus the conversations and make things easier to find.   
Please let me know what you think.  You can reply to this thread or through private message to me directly. 

2.)  Would you all help us create a resource guide?  
I've been told that the SSN website has very little info and the source of the info may not be as pro-straight spouse as it should be.  So I definitely want to address this, but I need help.  If anyone has good books, websites, articles, podcasts, blogs, or other sources of information that would be helpful for other spouses of trans people, could you please share them?   Please post anything you find in this thread.  Also, please review what other's post and let us know if you see anything objectionable.   I'm admitting that I don't have much experience with trans issues, so I'm asking those of you who do to help me out. 

3.)  I'd like some help explaining why those with trans issues experience things differently than those with L/G issues.   I get it at a high level of course.  But I'd like some quick sound-bites or short explanations of what is different.  This will equip me to explain things to the SSN board and leadership to help push for improvements in how we support you.  Again, you are welcome to post here or message me directly. 


Thank you!


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

October 15, 2018 12:36 pm  #2


Re: Questions for spouses of trans people

I don't doubt that the number of straight spouses with a trans spouse will continue to grow, and as a straight spouse dealing with TTT, I am happy to know that all of this is being discussed.

To answer your questions.....

1. I do think a sub-section would be nice. It wouldn't stop me from reading and commenting on posts in the general area though. After all there are several big, really key, issues that both spouses of gays (and GID) and spouses of transgenders struggle and deal with -- namely betrayal, deception, and the realization that we were never the real object of our spouse's desire and were used as a cover/beard. It would make it easier for me to go back and respond to earlier posts though. (I say this because sometimes the posts about trans issues will trigger me, and I prefer not to respond right away because I just can't. Being able to avoid them during those times, but still have them easy to find would be great, but that's just me.)

2. Resources that are truly pro-spouse are very hard to find. In fact, I can't really provide you with any. I would love to be a part of the creation of a resource guide though, and will look at resources others link. I will say that the most helpful I have found weren't specifically about TTT, but rather more general information about betrayal trauma.

3.  I think the biggest difference has to do with "the BIG LIE" coming out of the trans community, and that is that our spouses are the same people they always were -- just in a different package. See, with that lie, the prevailing narrative is that we should be happy and celebrate this transition with them, and we definitely shouldn't leave the marriage. That would mean we never really loved them to begin with. See, once a spouse comes out as gay, I don't think anyone would really expect the straight spouse to stay in the marriage. After all, the 2 individuals are no longer sexually compatible. But the trans community, and now a good part of society, fully expects the straight spouse to deny her orientation though and stop living and "authentic" life, so that her (now) wife can live hers. There are other things as well. One thing we read over and over is that it feels like our spouse has died. See, when I look at my spouse now, there is nothing left of the man I married. Different name, different voice, different body, different everything. I see a stranger who shares the same DNA that my husband had. I see a stranger to consciously and systematically took my husband away - piece by piece. I was not allowed to mourn my husband, but was expected to celebrate the "woman" who methodically replaced him.

I could go on, but I will stop at that.

 

October 15, 2018 1:07 pm  #3


Re: Questions for spouses of trans people

Not wanting to hijack but as most trans straight spouses will read this thread - at the moment there is a UK government consultation out for reform of the gender recognition act which would mean that anyone can change their gender on their birth certificate without need for a gender dysphoria diagnosis. Given that most of what we see here is a paraphilia I thought I would share the link in case anyone wants to input. You don’t have to be a UK resident to respond. The government blurb says it particularly wants to hear from spouses.

https://www.gov.uk/government/consultations/reform-of-the-gender-recognition-act-2004

Last edited by Duped (October 15, 2018 1:08 pm)

 

October 15, 2018 1:09 pm  #4


Re: Questions for spouses of trans people

I’m so new to all of this so I have no idea what would be helpful.  I have used the search tab to find other posts so a dedicated thread might be good.  I also agree that all the so called resources out there are all centered around support groups to help you accept the spouses new identity.  Everyone is so proud of them finding themselves and the rest of the family gets left in the dust.  I have to admit that the spouses who do stay seem very depressed and unhappy while supporting their spouse.  I found some Christian resources (which my spouse twisted for his own agenda) and then the blog by transwidow.  Society sucks now days with TGT and TTT.  It’s all about how wonderful it is they found themselves.  Hopefully someday our voices will be heard more than those of our lying, cheating and narcissistic ex’s.

 

October 15, 2018 1:22 pm  #5


Re: Questions for spouses of trans people

I do also want to say I’m not sure what to be referred as but I’m definitely not a trans spouse.  I’m not staying and putting up with his delusions.  If there is another thread I’m not sure what it should be called, but trans spouse gave me a bit of anxiety when I saw it.  Maybe those who’ve dealt with this longer will have more insight.

 

October 15, 2018 1:39 pm  #6


Re: Questions for spouses of trans people

I’ve been reading posts on the SSN forum almost daily, and it’s been the most help of anything I’ve found online. It’s agonizing, not knowing what the future holds. There are many on here who are further along on this journey than I am, and I’m drawing strength from their words. I haven’t posted much, maybe from the shock and sadness of my situation, but it’s been a source of strength for me - knowing I’m not alone, and that others have been where I am now and they understand.
A forum subsection for trans issues would be convenient, although I haven’t had any problems navigating the site, and really, all of it is immensely helpful. If you were to create a ‘resource guide’ it would definitely fill a void- outside of the SSN I have found no support, understanding, or acknowledgement of what I am going through as the straight spouse of a trans-in-denial husband.
Thank you for your concern for us, and thank you to those who have walked this road and continue to post with their advice and support.

 

October 15, 2018 1:43 pm  #7


Re: Questions for spouses of trans people

KitKat wrote:

I do also want to say I’m not sure what to be referred as but I’m definitely not a trans spouse. I’m not staying and putting up with his delusions. If there is another thread I’m not sure what it should be called, but trans spouse gave me a bit of anxiety when I saw it. Maybe those who’ve dealt with this longer will have more insight.

And yes, this. I don't know if Shannon has copyrighted her term (can a term be copyrighted?), but 'transwidow" (or trans widower" fits perfectly. 

 

October 15, 2018 2:09 pm  #8


Re: Questions for spouses of trans people

KitKat wrote:

I do also want to say I’m not sure what to be referred as but I’m definitely not a trans spouse. I’m not staying and putting up with his delusions. If there is another thread I’m not sure what it should be called, but trans spouse gave me a bit of anxiety when I saw it. Maybe those who’ve dealt with this longer will have more insight.

Thank you!!!

I wrote the whole post saying "trans spouses" and then realized that was a poor way to phrase it, so I went back and edited my whole post to say "spouse of trans people".    BUT.. I forgot to edit my title.   Sorry about that, and thank you for catching it.   I've edited to fix. 
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

October 15, 2018 2:25 pm  #9


Re: Questions for spouses of trans people

I am a sibling,  not a spouse but this is the only place I have found that even begins to cover how I feel and that treats my feelings as legitimate.  Some days I do wish the trans posts were easier to find but still everyone on this whole site has helped immensely in the sorting of my emotions thru the last 2 years. Having been lied to for 20+ years and being the intolerant world's scapegoat and having the suppressed anger poured out on me all at one time was overwhelming. Just finding people who didn't say  that I must embrace everything happily with no regard for my obviously wrong (according to my family) feelings was and is awesome.

 

October 15, 2018 3:29 pm  #10


Re: Questions for spouses of trans people

Hi ConfusedSis, 

Welcome to our group.  Even if you aren't a spouse, the challenges you face are much the same.  We all completely understand what you are going through. 

I would encourage you to start your own new thread.  I think it would make for a great discussion and you will find a lot of validation for your feelings. 

Again, welcome!


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum