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October 15, 2018 8:36 am  #1


Yet another Grace and Frankie thread

Hi All,

I recently began watching Grace and Frankie and am only a few episodes in. Im aware this show has been discussed several times but the thoughts going through my head had me wanting to share on this board with other ex straight spouses.

I thought they did a good job of displaying the shock and pain people get through. Even down to questioning “am I the only one who didn’t know?” And “OMG are people celebrating them coming out of the closet?” They also had some interesting perspective of the kids being torn between loyalties, trying to put on a brave face yet having it out with the fathers at dinner.

The only part that seems way unrealistic is the coming out scene in episode 1. I WISH I had been treated with such honesty and clarity. I don’t think it ever happens this way. The split happened almost immediately and the SS are left to move on with such clear boundaries. My ex GID was nothing but secretive and gave me such a runaround even after coming out. To this day claims she isn’t gay, I was just bad at communicating.

I realize the show has to start and the writers had to get the story going so the scene had to play out that way but let’s not fantasize too much. The reality with GID spouses is that of a sneaky, lying narcissist who literally believes they have an entitlement over you and won’t leave you in peace without clawing and scratching to the last moment.

If anyone is still fresh in their recovery from a GID spouse, I’d stay away from it for a while. It brought back some memories for me and if I was still hurting like I was, would have set me back.

Thanks for your indulgence,

 

October 15, 2018 9:48 am  #2


Re: Yet another Grace and Frankie thread

I watched the first & part of the 2nd season, then decided it was triggering my anger and disgust too much.

 

October 15, 2018 10:41 am  #3


Re: Yet another Grace and Frankie thread

I agree with lorax on all points.  

I think they did a good job reflecting so many of the emotions and questions straight spouses go through.  If only they hadn't compressed a year's worth of pain and suffering and healing process into about 2 episodes.  

It would certainly be triggering for anyone new into this process, so certainly save it until you are further out and better healed. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

October 15, 2018 11:08 am  #4


Re: Yet another Grace and Frankie thread

I have a ton of feelings and thoughts about this show.  But I have to start with another one that I haven’t heard discussed.   Fran Dresschers show “happily divorced “.  That she starred in after her husband of 18 years came out to her.  That show started in 2011. Just a couple of months after I first started to question that my husband (of 18 years ironically at that point) might be gay.  I was enthralled by it, it was a total sitcom. In that show they still lived together as best friends because they couldn’t sell the house during the housing crash.  For me that show probably caused me more years of pain, because it started me on the quest to get him to admit.  I think I fantasized that we could be that couple in the show, if he would only admit the truth (which he never did).

Fast forward through four more years of hell.  Grace and Frankie came out right about the time I had hit rock bottom.  June of 2015,  Husband HATED the show (but by that time we were hardly watching tv together anymore).  He watched the first episode and spewed his typical anti gay remarks.  I watched it all and would talk about it, hoping that he might admit , ha.

I think for me , in that moment of time , it helped me wake up.  I saw myself in the Grace character, perfect house, perfect life to the outside world, blah blah blah, down to the being bought off with jewelry etc.  it motivated me to start thinking “Do I want to be her age and start over”.  So at the age of 47 I left that October.

I’ve continued to watch the show all through my recovery.  New husband watches it too, he finds it funny, but he knows it’s a deeper issue for me.  I find it funny too and love the characters.  But ya, it makes me a little angry that it’s too “soft “. Most of us didn’t have that kind of money .  A posh beach house to go move into with our new best friend , who is going through the same kind of hurt. 

Not to mention, the complete disregard for the psychological and emotional damage aspects.   My XH became a sick narcisctic son of a bitch.  Years of gaslighting, etc.  back to Fran Dresscher, last I heard she is still good friends with her XH.  Hell even after everything my XH had done and up to six months after the divorce I thought we would stay friends.  Up until he attacked me.  But that’s how sick I was. 

So whatever, back to the show.  I enjoy it for the entertainment value.  I give it credit for helping motivate me to start my life over.  But I agree, I seriously doubt that most of us get that kind of honesty, or treated as well during divorces and by family.

 

October 15, 2018 3:15 pm  #5


Re: Yet another Grace and Frankie thread

4everdamaged wrote:

I saw myself in the Grace character, perfect house, perfect life to the outside world, blah blah blah, down to the being bought off with jewelry etc. it motivated me to start thinking “Do I want to be her age and start over”. So at the age of 47 I left that October.

​Interesting you relate to the characters. I guess it's different enough from my situation that I don't identify with any of the characters at all.

I also thought we would stay relatively friendly as exes but she wound up being so selfish and so incapable of respecting boundaries, it was impossible.
 

     Thread Starter
 

October 15, 2018 6:05 pm  #6


Re: Yet another Grace and Frankie thread

I only relate on a very shallow way with the Gracie character.  As far as the perfectionism and denial.  And the current status of her character, growing and changing.  Learning how to not give a shit anymore about what others think.  Being true to myself and learning how to make myself happy, truly finding myself for the first time in my life.

As far as the show being a positive or negative, I think it’s in the same box with divorce shows that depict amicable break ups and friendly co parenting.   Does that happen, sure.  Was not my childhood experience.

 

October 15, 2018 6:32 pm  #7


Re: Yet another Grace and Frankie thread

This is a tv series? 
It's a script, with actors/actresses. It's not real.

How wonderful if all straightspouses had perfect skin, gorgeous clothes, a place to live, 
and enough money to not worry. And people who were interested in what was happening
in their lives.


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 16, 2018 3:07 pm  #8


Re: Yet another Grace and Frankie thread

I thought the first season was a lot more relevant to my situation.  After that, it was like they played it for yuks.

And strongly agree that there were elements that were wildly unrealistic -- I'm still waiting for the part in my life where I get a spectacular million-dollar house on the sand in La Jolla with a brand new open-floor-plan kitchen and a best friend who knows exactly what I'm going through because she's going through it, too.  For some reason, that's not how it happened for me.

I had the same reaction as iamthelorax about the coming-out scene in the first episode -- if ONLY it had been that honest and candid!  My husband's plan was never to let me find out at all.  When I asked him what the game plan was ... did he really think he could keep up this deception forever? ... his answer was that he assumed our daughter and I would find out his secret after he was dead.

That was a stunner.  I did not see that coming.  His "Plan A" was to let us discover his secret as we were in mourning over his death, cleaning out his stuff ... and we'd never have any closure, or explanation, or chance to understand how he could have done this to us because that would have been TOO AWKWARD so better to just let us get shocked after he was dead.

Guys who live into their 60's keeping this secret don't just go out and join a gay theatre troupe and start going to protest marches a week after they come out.  They don't have healthy and loving relationships with the very men they've been treating like secret fuckbuddies for decades.

 

October 16, 2018 4:40 pm  #9


Re: Yet another Grace and Frankie thread

The plan was literally to let you know after his death or was it to hope you’d never find out till it was too late?

Either way, that’s messed up. The perfect scenario isn’t for his child to learn the truth and process it in a healthy way but instead for him to just not be around when it’s time to clean a mess up!? Cut from the same narcissistic branch as my ex.

At least the truth did eventually come out.

     Thread Starter
 

October 17, 2018 5:07 pm  #10


Re: Yet another Grace and Frankie thread

Wow Walk what an ass! I think this is true of so many of them out there. I guess it would be different if they didn't act on the desire and truly kept it buried. That would be the fight of a lifetime and then I could see how they should have the dignity to rest in peace.
Even coming out later and freeing himself and the slaves he made by the deceit could get an acceptable nod from those that might be standing over his grave.
But the unfortunate normal for a lot of these closet cases that Sean coined perfectically as being parasites, deserve to be spit on...alive or dead.
You are so correct about them going into their 60's with this secret.
I sometimes sit back and watch these poor morons cruising around like lost souls. They are getting easier to spot and more pathetic by the day.  
As dementia sets in they keep returning to the same areas with the same results...empty handed so to speak. But they still have that ring on their finger.
I always pray their wives find them out. When they do, (and trust me they will), what dignity will they have left?
The younger out gay men laugh at them and the women gag at the thought of sleeping with them. 
Very sad. 

The Frankie and Gracie story is an unrealistic outcome of a very real occurrence. 

Last edited by Scrupulous (October 17, 2018 5:09 pm)


Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 
 

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