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October 13, 2018 8:59 am  #1


Quick Question About GIDH

I get that probably no one but my GIDH can answer this question, but I was hoping for a gauge from the experience of the SSN community anyway.

Recap: Married 26 years, discovered gay porn and other gay content on his iPad 7 months ago (have no idea how long that's been going on), I have not disclosed that I know because he is looking for work and I need him to focus w/o emo distraction, plan to confront him next summer when we are empty-nesters and work has settled. I believe he has not had any extramarital/gay affairs (I know because he is not working and I'm a stay-at-home mom and we don't go out much as we are new to where we live and are home together ALL DAY ALL THE TIME with one car, I'm fairly certain he hasn't cheated since my discovery).

My question: How long can a GID person go before they escalate TGT and seek out gay sex? If a traditional family unit is of utmost priority to him, can the TGT be kept at bay... indefinitely?

Thanks for your help.

 

October 13, 2018 10:22 am  #2


Re: Quick Question About GIDH

Hi Daisy. Welcome, and I’m sorry you find yourself here.

I’m going to answer a different question than you asked, if that’s okay.

I discovered gay porn on my husband’s computer around nine years before I stumbled across proof that he had been cheating on me. I think you are right to hold off accusing him for now, and give yourself a hard deadline for when you raise the topic. But you should use the time to find out how far this has gone.

I can’t tell you whether your husband has acted on his attractions, but I will say I had absolutely no inkling my husband could have cheated on me, even knowing as I did that he had same-sex attractions. I was in the dark for nine years, and only stumbled across the truth by accident. So I think you should at least be prepared for that possibility, emotionally.

It’s hard to say what I should have done differently back then, because if I’d confronted him over the porn, with no evidence that it had gone further, he would have confessed only to the stuff he got caught at. I would have believed him. He would have realized he needed to hide his activities better, and ultimately I might not have learned as much as I know today, and in my current situation, knowledge is power.

I don’t waste my sympathy on these guys, but for what it’s worth, anybody who has to live that way is going to be seriously unhappy in the long term, and is likely to break down sooner or later. If he wants to be with men and he’s stuck with you ... you’re unhappy, he’s unhappy, the kids are unhappy, and even the dog and the cat are unhappy.

 

October 13, 2018 10:30 am  #3


Re: Quick Question About GIDH

I don't think there's an answer to that. Each person is different. Some here lasted a year or two, others decades. I met someone who had this happen in their late 60's after about 40 something years of marriage. Once you're empty-nesters are you a traditional family unit anymore? It's possible this lightening of daily responsibility could trigger an urge to change things. It's also a reminder of the march of time and a possible mid-life crisis that opens the old bucket list.

Be well prepared before you confront him. Have a contingency plan for as many outcomes as possible. You can use other people's stories here as a guide on the different ways he might react. When you confront him it might be a good idea to not reveal what you know but give him the opportunity to come clean. "Tell me about what's on the ipad." What he does next will tell you much about his character and what you can expect in future.

Take care.
 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

October 14, 2018 7:15 am  #4


Re: Quick Question About GIDH

I like Daryls response.."tell me what's on the iPad"

That was me...i knew exactly what was on my GX's phone, exactly what gay sex toys were in her car.
Confronting or asking her and hearing the lies hurt more than anything..I know i would not get the truth but I gave her the chance..   It told me how much she thought of me and our marriage..   And that was saddest of all.

So many want to know if their spouse is really gay and what they have been doing.  But i found its the lies you can feel in your bones, that say how little they think of us..those lies and hurt tell us all we need to know.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

October 14, 2018 3:02 pm  #5


Re: Quick Question About GIDH

Rob, you're absolutely on target about that.  When I confronted my husband, I told him I hadn't yet decided what I was going to do about the marriage going forward, but one thing was certain: I was not going to be lied to in my own home.  I made that absolutely clear, it was a deal-breaker for me.  My home is my sanctuary, and I'm not going to have it defiled that way.

When time came for me to serve him with divorce papers, that rule was my own personal North Star.  I will not be lied to in my own house.  He lied to me in my own house, and that was the last straw.

 

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