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October 3, 2018 10:27 am  #11


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

Hi Penny -

Welcome back! Sorry you need to be here again, but I'm really proud of how strong you are acting this time.  It's interesting how there's just that one moment when the switch flips and it's game OFF, isn't it?  It's an odd but somewhat freeing place to be - the one where you don't have to keep wasting time trying to figure out if you want to keep working on this and can instead focus on how to exit.

I was at that place where you are - the one where it doesn't even matter WHY the sex thing is such a lacking area of your life.  The one where you realize that whether it's because he WON'T fix this, or that he CAN'T fix it doesn't matter - you're still left holding the same exact same dead marriage in your hands in the end either way.  It's sad but also empowering to come to realizations like that.

Keep moving forward.  The pain may or may not come.  It didn't really ever wash over me the way it seems to for so many other people.  I think for me, I'd been already killed by a thousand tiny cuts along the way, so there was no big bleeding session left to have.  There was not blood left to bleed.  I was confused and scared, but I wasn't angry, or even really very sad (except on my kids' behalf).  I started to become encouraged as I moved forward, because the possibility of finding love and good sex DID potentially exist in my future.  Because I was never going to get those things in my marriage.  My life had more potential the moment I realized I was on a one-way street and getting further and further away from what I wanted, and I didn't HAVE to stay on this damned street.  I didn't know which street would be the right one, but I'd eliminated THAT one, so I was one step closer to happiness.  And I was absolutely right about that.  I found it all again no problem, and with so much more appreciation this time.

Best to you.  We're here for you.

Kel 


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

October 3, 2018 9:56 pm  #12


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

Good thinking Penny. I'm sorry you spent so much wasted time thinking he would change. Men who do this can't or don't want to. What perplexes me is why so many claim to be straight for so long.
If they were straight then they would be having straight sex. Even if they are to some degree, how the hell can anyone determine the truth since their actions makes absolutely no sense to a straight person?!?!
If someone is having gay actions of any kind then it's safest to assume they are gay because that is usually the final outcome anyway. 
All this 'grey area' is just bullshit when it comes down to the real truth. I don't know what's come over these men. Maybe the devils got a hold of them and for all I care he can have them. Who would want them after they tarnished themselves anyway? 
Oh I forgot.....some people are still out there in la la land trying to save the hopeless.
I'm so glad you came out of your fog and planning to see the light again.
Best wishes to you.

 

October 3, 2018 11:32 pm  #13


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

Hey Kel,
I was hoping you would weigh in with your experience and wisdom. Yes, there is some relief in that moment of having complete clarity that It’s Done. There is no getting over this one. He saw how devastated I was 2 years ago. He’s also seen the toll it’s taken on me since. It’s the callous distegard that has finally extinguished any desire I may have had left to fix anything. Bottom line - it has to more important than us to jeopardise a 25 year old marriage - a constructive dismissal so to speak.

Since I’ve been in this head space, It’s interesting to watch his behaviour with objectivity as he hasn’t really changed that much, except for more broodiness, not really being able to meet my eyes and continued neglectful behaviour in this marriage. But it’ seems much more obvious that he really is quite checked out. I mean, I knew this to a certain extent before but I was too busy in fix it mode - and hiding myself in food and binge watching series.  It’s only when I stopped caring that it became so obvious. I’ve really been the only one fighting for this marriage. Thanks for kind offer of support. I will continue to update my status and progress.

Awake -

thank you for your kind thoughts directed my way. This stuff is all so difficult and hard. 25 years of my life where I accepted so little. And boy did I work hard to get the little I could from him. I can never say I didn’t give it a damn good go. I’m nothing if not stubborn.
As for evil? I think it is far more banal than that. I think we have a huge capacity to lie to ourselves or not really know ourselves. Which makes it near impossible for others to know us or for us to know them. I know my husband put everything down to kink and his own personal turn ons.  I brought into that as well. However, I ignored what I needed and lied to myself as much as he did in a sense - I told myself “this is enough”. “This is how it is”.”I don’t care much about sex anymore”. “It’s not important. Lack of Affection isn’t a big deal coz at least he cooks dinner”, “being kissed passionately is no longer a big deal” - blah blah blah. But it was all bullshit. I was just too afraid to admit the truth. And as Sean pointed out so eloquently - there is a parallel process to both the straight And gay spouse coming out. I seemed to have been stuck in my own closet of denial and fear.

Now? I need to figure out the next move. I am going to see my very dear old friend tomorrow and finally tell her what has been happening in my marriage for years. She will be the only one I tell. It’s going to be a long night.

And then I might be able to see a way forward a bit more clearly.

     Thread Starter
 

October 5, 2018 3:09 pm  #14


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

An update:

After years of keeping this shameful, depressing and embarrassing secret to myself, I finally told my best friend. Her reaction was soothing - she was shocked, horrified, confused, repulsed and deeply deeply sad for me. It has been cathartic to finally talk about it. My friend described it as “dispicable” - his lying and deceptiveness and lack of care and respect.

I have been living with it so long - this marriage within a marriage, that it was nice to have someone get the ‘feel’ of it all - malevolence is the word she used to describe it. Not to mention seedy.

I have to say though that I am feeling slightly nervous as in the last 2 days my husband has come out of his angry, snappish, can barely meet my eyes behaviour and is trying to be affectionate and attentive. This coincides with him not having looked up gay lit for the last few days, as well as sensing a change in me - I am not trying to fix and solve why he’s been moody. It is that pattern of love bombing that people talk about when the GID senses their wife moving away.

I feel nervous because I want more time and it’s easier when he’s being distant and contemptuous. I’m less able to hide when his gaze is on me. I have a lot coming up at work and the fact that we work in the same place, complicates things. I have other career options in the fire right now but am waiting to hear how they pan out.

But for now, just telling someone what I’ve been going through has been such a relief.

Thank you everyone for reading and supporting my path toward mental and emotional wellbeing.

     Thread Starter
 

October 5, 2018 6:42 pm  #15


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

Just be careful, that’s all I can say.  I threw my husband out at the 18 year mark.  Lasted two months and yes he totally love bombed me and I took him back.  I fell for it all and gave myself another 4.5 years of hell.  My humble opinion is there is always some reason to put it off (mostly our desire for a miracle, let it all go away, ,let the beginning love story come true again).  I’m glad you have a place to talk, I don’t think I ever really told anyone my true story until I left him 3 years ago and that time I was DONE, didn’t need any validation, didn’t need any admittance of anything from him.  By that time, it was save myself or completely loose my mind.

I honestly can’t count how many times I fluctuated during those 4.5 years, thinking I was through, then falling back into denial.  I’m just grateful that I finally did it.  Nothing else mattered anymore, had to save myself, had to start a new life, regardless of how scary it was.  Get tough, when you find yourself wishing, hoping, remembering the good times.  Flush it, start focusing on the bad, get mad.  Tell yourself 100 times a day “ I deserve more “ and I’m never going to get it from him.  Blessings honey, stay the course.  I’m glad you have this place and a friend to talk to.

 

October 5, 2018 8:04 pm  #16


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

4everdamaged wrote:

Just be careful, that’s all I can say.  I threw my husband out at the 18 year mark.  Lasted two months and yes he totally love bombed me and I took him back.  I fell for it all and gave myself another 4.5 years of hell.  My humble opinion is there is always some reason to put it off (mostly our desire for a miracle, let it all go away, ,let the beginning love story come true again).  I’m glad you have a place to talk, I don’t think I ever really told anyone my true story until I left him 3 years ago and that time I was DONE, didn’t need any validation, didn’t need any admittance of anything from him.  By that time, it was save myself or completely loose my mind.

I honestly can’t count how many times I fluctuated during those 4.5 years, thinking I was through, then falling back into denial.  I’m just grateful that I finally did it.  Nothing else mattered anymore, had to save myself, had to start a new life, regardless of how scary it was.  Get tough, when you find yourself wishing, hoping, remembering the good times.  Flush it, start focusing on the bad, get mad.  Tell yourself 100 times a day “ I deserve more “ and I’m never going to get it from him.  Blessings honey, stay the course.  I’m glad you have this place and a friend to talk to.

Hey there damaged,

Thank you for that reminder. I think it’s one of the reasons I told my very astute friend who I’ve been friends with now for over 30 years. By telling her, I can not NOT Know and when she asked me today what she can do for me, I wasn’t sure what to answer at the time, but I would say now “if I waver and get sucked back into the crazy - remind me how despicable this was as well as unrecoverable”.

Can you talk about what happened in those 4.5 years before you finally called it quits? Or more precisely, what did he do and how long did it take him after you took him back to go back to the same shit?

     Thread Starter
 

October 5, 2018 8:05 pm  #17


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

I agree with 4ever: be wary.  It's likely that after so many years of marriage your spouse has a very good understanding of how to "handle" you--what works to disarm you, how to manipulate you without your knowledge.  You will have the best idea of what is effective: love bombing, sad sausage, etc.  For me it was the sad sausage "poor me" appeal.  And when I fell for his request to comfort him, it was another three years before I could extricate myself once again.  Immense damage to my psyche occurred during those three years, and now, eight months after I moved out of the marital home and into my own place, I am still unpacking it.  Make a deal with your friend that like an AA buddy you can call her when you're feeling weak, and she is to in no circumstances encourage any moves to continue to stay, for whatever reason and for however reasonable it sounds.  We are masters of hope, and our fear of "lighting out for the territories" on our own can make us waver.  And remember, there is not a person on this list who has said, after leaving, that they wished they hadn't.  But there are many who say what I do: I wish I'd left sooner.  
   And never, ever forget that his closet is the most precious thing in his life to him, and he will do or say whatever he thinks it takes to protect it.  The morning after the night I told mine I was done and followed that up with the claim that I wanted an honest relationship with our son, I saw so much rage!  I thought I had understood where things stood before, but after I saw that, his real priority and the extent to which he'd go to protect it were real eye openers.  That's when I knew that if I let him he would sacrifice me and my health--mental and physical--to his closet for the rest of my life.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 5, 2018 8:09 pm)

 

October 5, 2018 8:32 pm  #18


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

Thanks OOHC,
Great username by the way. I plan to also let you all know what happens when I say No to this shitty marriage. Because there are common themes that go with GID marriages. Yet I sense also how easy it is to slip into “but ours may be different”. After all, we live with them and there are also things that happen in a long marriage over time such as the shared humour, funny sayings, that time he made me yummy eggs and cooked a lovely dinner he knew I liked. All those things don’t disappear. And are sad to say goodbye too. However, the rot underneath doesn’t change.

I get the feeling he is trying to be “good” right now, so is keeping in contact via text and hasn’t looked at any gay lit since Monday. I was away last night too and there was nothing. But it won’t last. So I’m planning my exit, putting as much money aside as possible and looking for a place to rent. I also have a lot going on at work so need to get through that over these next few weeks.

Thank you for responding. I will read and reread those words.

     Thread Starter
 

October 5, 2018 9:06 pm  #19


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

Penny,

It might be easier to just say go read my story on the story page. Look for 22 years and in the end he tried to kill me.  Extreme story but all true.  And it was AFTER we divorced he tried to kill me.  He never came out of the closet, and he was pissed off.  He never thought I would actually leave.  Anyway, you might want to read it, at least as a cautionary tale.  Others have discussed the similar progression of sickness.  Especially when they know we know, but don’t leave.  Hugs honey.  Big hugs

 

October 5, 2018 9:18 pm  #20


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

4everdamaged wrote:

Penny,

It might be easier to just say go read my story on the story page. Look for 22 years and in the end he tried to kill me.  Extreme story but all true.  And it was AFTER we divorced he tried to kill me.  He never came out of the closet, and he was pissed off.  He never thought I would actually leave.  Anyway, you might want to read it, at least as a cautionary tale.  Others have discussed the similar progression of sickness.  Especially when they know we know, but don’t leave.  Hugs honey.  Big hugs

Thanks for the hugs. Actually I have read that but I will do so again. Thank you!

     Thread Starter
 

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