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October 1, 2018 6:42 am  #1


Old Member Back with TGT once again

Hi everyone.

I used to be a member on the old site but couldn’t remember my username or password so have started again. I’m pretty sure Cameron replied to my messages about whether my husband was gay, so the first gay “wonderings” may have occurred as long as 5-6 years ago!

So, this is going to be long.

Ive been lurking and reading and lurking and reading since I found more man to man sex searches on my husbands tablet a few days ago. We have been married 25 years. I’m just going to put everything out there and see if anything resonates for anyone or anyone can recognise  what I describe in their own experiences. Plus, I guess I’m asking for validation that it’s not OK. This is some painful stuff.

Some background:

The sex with my now husband was never mind blowing. He was in his early 30s when I met him (I was 22), he’d never been married but he had girlfriends from 18 or 19. So he wasn’t inexperienced sex wise. However, I always had this feeling that he didn’t know what he was doing, sex with him felt clunky. It’s hard to explain although I imagine there will be women on here who know exactly what I mean. This time when I found more searches in his history,  I went looking - for anything. I found my old diary from way back when when I first met him. I read with interest that I described the sex as mediocre, how I was always initiating it, and had obviously mentioned some impotence issues (he never got really hard having penetrative sex) to his ex gf (long story) and she said he had the same problem with her. I was young and in love and ignored what I now realise were red flags. Also, TMI alert: Perhaps to help him along (I can’t quite remember what led me to do it) I introduced him to handjobs and that is pretty much what he has preferred ever since. He prefers handjobs over anything else - including me, all of me.

We haven’t been able to have penetrative sex for years now. I actually can’t remember the last time we did. He has taken viagra in the past so I guess at least he felt some care about my sexual pleasure, however that fizzled out awhile ago now, but every now and then he will half heartedly offer. TBH it’s been so long and I’m now too put off and frankly uncomfortable, not to mention repulsed at the thought because I just KNOW he is not into fucking me. I realise too that it has put me off as he often ridicules heterosexual sex if it’s shown on tv - a very different reaction to the one I have which is to feel aroused.

Im realising I miss that terribly - even though I tried to minimise how important sex was to me over the last few years. It became less painful to pretend I didn’t care anymore. One thing he has always been willing to do is give me oral sex. And he is very good at it. It is obviously pleasant for me however there is little intimacy, except to give me an orgasm, and  there is never any kissing or just being into one another.  He does the same thing to me every time. This is my sex life for a long time now. He gets a handjob and I get oral sex - when I can be bothered.

He never kisses me, either during sex, or just every day for no reason. There is little physical affection. He seems very uncomfortable in public if I hold his hand. I remember being incredibly hurt a few years ago when we were swimming in a pool together and I wrapped my arms around him to press my body against his in the water, and he shoved me away - saying he was too claustrophobic. It’s funny, because I hadn’t thought about that for a long time. I guess the micro-rejections and hurts are popping up all over the place at the moment. As well as looking back in hindsight. 

Our sex life over the years has mostly been about his fantasies of being submissive in a mistress/slave setup, he is turned on by pvc and leather, which led to a strap on fantasy (I tried this once with him and I know he wants it more but after the first lot of gay porn it is too raw - for both of us so to speak).

And then over 2 years ago I found a huge amount of gay porn on his iPad - leather Bears, anal, submissive, sucking cock etc etc. Some gay literature with detailed stories of sneaking around on the wife to suck cock.
Full disclosure: I had gone along with his fantasies over the years (not gay porn though except once showing it to him thinking he’d laugh or say yuck) as I felt I was being open and supportive of his sexuality. I felt twinges of discomfort, which I ignored and brushed off. I knew I was being treated like a prop and it wasn’t really ME and what I wanted, but like any good open-minded slightly martyr-ish (as in my needs come after everyone else’s) wife/partner I swallowed down my unmet sexual desires and it became all about him (absolutely no pun intended there). He begged me to use dildos on him.

I also am not proud to say I had 2 affairs throughout our marriage, with men who just wanted me. That was never ok, there is no excuse for infidelity, and my husband and I worked really hard through a lot of shit in our marriage over 10 years ago. I thought we were in a good place, solid, even if I was ignoring the fact that our sex life was so unfulfilling for me. I was going to be a faithful wife and be happy - Goddamit!

Back to finding porn two years ago - I went ballistic at him. I told him it wasn’t ok and that any fantasies he had were between the two of us not for him to be poring over in the end bedroom which is where he has slept for awhile due to his snoring. I sobbed and cried and asked him if he were gay. He may have mentioned bi or bi-curious but I can’t remember which. He said he wouldn’t blame me if I kicked him out and that I had a right to be upset. He denied being gay. He denied ever taking it further. He put it down to being in the spare room on his own and lonely, and being stressed. He promised it was just a stupid thing and he wouldn’t do it anymore. I told him I’d leave him if he lied and hid things again. He said fair enough but he wouldn’t. He was very shocked and scared at my reaction. Not shocked enough though to want to come back in to our bedroom. And he refused my suggestion of counselling because I said we may need help ( hindsight: I should have gone myself).

But In spite of his remorse I felt uneasy. The last two years I’ve realised I’ve been very depressed, have put on weight, watch endless hours of Netflix and have been in a horrible limbo of “is he, isn’t he”. I initially checked his iPad but of course that means nothing because he can delete and private browse. I checked less often as time went by and mostly through google history but nothing ever showed. I brought it up with him a few times over that time and he would become defensive and say how he wanted to forget it as he was deeply ashamed and embarrassed. Eventually I stopped looking. I stayed depressed and trudged along. Not trusting him, but not having proof he was still looking. Lots of women on here know exactly what I’m now describing. It’s a horrible place.

And then the last 3-4 weeks I noticed he seemed snappy and low in mood (he’s always had low grade depression and he drinks and passes out sat and sun nights, sometimes fri, this has caused huge issues in our relationship).
Last Wednesday night I said to him “you’ve been very distant lately,is there anything wrong” and he snapped defensively and said “I’ haven’t been feeling that well”!! It was his tone that put me on alert and his over reaction at a simple question of concern.

The next morning I looked at his iPad while he was out and which he is ALWAYS on.

When I found what he’d been up to  it was almost a relief. It meant that my instincts are solid and just seeing all those searches, and articles in literotica about being bi-curious, wanting to suck dick and be submissive, first time gay experiences ad nauseam - meant I wasn’t crazy and being paranoid.  I took photos of them.

I’m planning on leaving and am working on an exit strategy. I no longer feel fuzzy about “is this enough to leave”, “maybe this is just curiosity”, @maybe I’m just a vanilla bore in the sack”.

No.

I realised that either he doesn’t care about me or he can’t help himself because he’s gay - either scenario doesn’t look good for me.

I’ve decided I want more. I’m 48 and I deserve to have intimacy and the healthy sex life that I want. I’m tired of accepting crumbs. There are other neglectful behaviours going on also and I’ve turned myself inside out being the fixer (Kel would get this ) of this marriage. My husband could have made other choices when he found himself drawn to gay porn the first time, and now this time. He could have taken himself off to see a therapist to figure out what is going on with him. But he didn’t. Says it all really.

So that’s where I’m at. I have a good career, a grown up son with his own child, a teenage boy at home who will be fine.

I’ve decided to choose me. And it’s about time.

But I’m still scared as hell.

Thanks for reading.

 

October 1, 2018 9:47 am  #2


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

Welcome back Penny. 

I'm sad to see you back because none of us want to be here.  Coming back here after two years typically means you are in more pain rather than a happy place.  I'm so sorry to see it.  But I'm glad that you came back to share your story and to seek understanding and compassion here. 

I think your story should be a good eye opener for many of our new members.  Those of us who think the "gay" can be put back in a box and it will go away should know that it just can't happen.  The closeted gay man (or lesbian woman) will try to hide it in order to save their marriage, but they just can't keep it hidden for very long.  It's who they are and they just can't escape it no matter how hard they try. 

Penny.  You sound like you've made a decision to chose yourself.  Congratulations for making that choice.  You deserve it.  You tried to make your marriage work beyond unbelievable odds.  You sacrificed your own happiness for many years.  Nobody in the world can say you didn't live up to your end of the marriage covenant. 

It's normal to be scared, but you've got this.  What you've been through already is the worst of it.  Moving forward will have some challenges, but you've got this.    
Step 1 is starting to education yourself on the divorce process.  I'd start with some google searches for the state or country you live in.  Then go visit some attorneys.  Most offer free or low cost initial consultations.  Go interview a few and ask tons of questions.  Then you can decide if you want to do the divorce yourself or hire an attorney to handle things.  Time is on your side.. keep your secret and start aligning the pieces you will need.   Get copies of all financial documents and get a handle on where all your money and assets are.  When you are ready you can move forward. 

Keep in touch here.  We are all here to help and cheer you on as you move forward. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

October 1, 2018 9:49 am  #3


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

Penny,

Welcome back, sorry you’re going through this.  But kudos to you for making up your mind.  I could have written parts of your story myself.  Mine never came out of the closet and unfortunately I didn’t find the gay porn till the very end.  But the feelings you described. Yes I lived them.   Reading your story reminds me of way back in the beginning of our marriage when I was the aggressor.

The span of 22 years, how things changed.  He never kissed me, I always felt that he was the one who wanted to be “ravaged so to speak “.  As I look back, I can realize that he wanted/needed more.  He suggested things that he wanted to try, that I wasn’t comfortable with.  So sex became nonexistent.  I lived the viagra thing as well.  Even that didn’t help, I can remember crying myself to sleep on far too many occasions.  Years of dieting, etc. when all along it wasn’t me.

When we did divorce, I asked him why he ever married me.  His answer was “you were pretty , you were good in bed and you made good money “. Awesome reasons to get married right.  I was 47 when I left him (anniversary of that day is 3 years on October 6).  I too was ready to have a real life.

Please be careful (my XH had become a drug addict, when he realized that I no longer believed his bulkshit things got very scary).  You said you are leaving the country, please have a plan.  And if you have any support, please let people know what you are doing.  You say you’re scared, that rings bells for me (my story ended in violence).   Are you scared of him, or the thought of starting over (which I get is scary enough).  Listen to your gut instinct and stay strong.  My decision 3 years ago was the smartest thing I ever did in my life.  I just got remarried and have a new life, a happier and better one.  STAY STRONG!

 

October 1, 2018 1:41 pm  #4


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

Thank you for your kind words Phoenix and Damaged.

My story is definitely a cautionary tale.

And yes - I have been in a terrible place since the last lot of gay porn/lit I found. I was so surprised at my reaction when I followed my gut and looked at his history. He must have got complacent by not deleting it, as the searches went back 3-4 weeks. Mostly on a Monday when I’m at work. There were also google activity searches interspersed among the gay searches so I’m thinking perhaps he thought he’d deleted? 
I think I felt relief plus a certain amount of incredulity, due to the risk he was taking in our marriage to get off on gay porn. And it was that knowledge in that moment, that this gay thing  HAS to be bigger than our 25 year old marriage, really struck me. I mean, who would throw all that away to jerk off? It just has to go deeper. Reading SPN has helped solidify all this for me too.

Thank you for the advice Phoenix re:lawyer etc. I am finding it ok to not disclose what I’ve found yet - I feel quite detached FINALLY from what he is doing, rather than feeling hurt or neglected/ignored all of the time by his being unpresent. We do our own thing anyway so it’s not strange for us to spend an entire weekend - me in my room watching my shows, him out in the lounge getting drunk watching sport/detective shows and then passing out by 9pm. I am getting some funds together to move into a new place - not sure when yet. I’m not in any hurry.
I mostly take care of the finances anyway - pay the bills. He has his own bank account I don’t have access to and a credit card - I cancelled mine. I noticed we don’t get any statements for his CC anymore either.

I don’t actually believe he has acted on his gay fantasies(although really, I can’t know that for sure) , however one of the reasons I think I’ve just detached and am feeling some peace about my decision , is that I have read about women in their 60s who were my age when this happened - and then their husband declares he can no longer hide being gay. I’ve realised that if I stay in my marriage I will never have the intimacy I crave, and that’s not just about sex either, but a kind and loving intimacy where there is trust and respect. I haven’t respected him, or myself for that matter, perhaps ever. And then there is me another 5-10 years from now being told “I’m gay”. Either scenario is full of misery and “why didn’t I listen to myself back then” type thinking.

I’m angry and sad at myself mostly for accepting so little. The next year or two is going to be hard but it can’t be harder than sitting in my bed feeling like shit.

Damaged - thank you for your post. From what you wrote Our stories  are eerily similar. Although I never dieted to please him, he has always been very accepting of my weight fluctuations. I realise my body was fine with him as long as it was draped in something. It’s a relief to know someone knows what this bullshit is like. I remember saying to my husband back in my 30s when I was once again crying and upset at his emotional distance and outbursts of anger - I described it to him as there being a film of some kind between us - and that I could never penetrate it. He was deeply sorry for that and explained it just as being ‘fucked up and damaged’. Him being gay and deep in denial never entered my head.
Thank u for your concern re safety but I’m not concerned. He’s never been physically abusive, just angry. And an alcoholic. We have an international marriage but we live in my country. It’s what has kept me with him for so long.

Thank you both so much as I’ve kept this secret for so long it is a relief to share. I plan on shocking my best friend very soon with this. She is the only person I will tell.

     Thread Starter
 

October 1, 2018 2:07 pm  #5


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

PennyD wrote:

A lot of what you write..did resonate with me. The searching for proof ( yes it ends up feeling distasteful/horrible and I'm so glad to be through that phase, having got to a place where it no longer matters what he does on his fucking laptop when I'm not around)

This MOM I'm in is the hardest r'ship to be in because while I will not be in a r'ship with a man who wants men and actively pursues the lifestyle.....he's not pursuing, not searching/looking online (that I know of)...but therein lies the crux of it. I have a cloud of mistrust that covers my world, that colours all I do and I'm waiting for the day he says "I need to explore" or what is more likely is I'll just know he's keeping secrets from me and will have to 'discover' it all myself. 

But I have taken the step of protecting myself financially, and where once I thought about my life when he retires and we have time to spend together....more often I'm thinking about where I would live on my own. 

Good luck with your decisions and the break away from the history with your man that
has stopped you from wanting more


 


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

October 1, 2018 4:32 pm  #6


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

Thanks for your kind words Ellexoh. I’ve been in limbo so long that it just became normal. I felt weighed down, this low level hum of desperation, depression, eating my pain away, and just feeling stuck. I never thought I would get to this place of “regardless of whether he admits it or not, my marriage is one-sided and lonely”.

I too am fantasising about where I will live. Although I have a sense of calm at the moment, my stomach is saying otherwise as I’ve lost my appetite.

This morning I looked at his iPad again and there are more gay stories. No wonder he was disconnected and irritated last night when I came home from work. It was interesting observing his anger and lack of warmth toward me. He will be feeling shit and guilty I’d say although not enough to go figure out what is going on for him. It’s a relief to know I don’t have to sort this one out. There is a freedom in that.

I find the gay literature more intimate than visual porn. It’s telling what he chooses to read also.  I’m wondering if anyone else has seen this from their GID.

Perhaps Sean could shed light on this perhaps if he’s still around?

     Thread Starter
 

October 1, 2018 4:56 pm  #7


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

Penny, 
Sean is indeed still here, but because the presence of a ex-closeted gay man is a trigger for some of us, we've asked him to constrain his posting to a single thread of his own.  If you post there, I'm sure he will reply. 
http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=263

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

October 1, 2018 5:02 pm  #8


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

Yes of course Phoenix. Thank you for that.

     Thread Starter
 

October 1, 2018 8:38 pm  #9


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

PennyD wrote:

....

This morning I looked at his iPad again and there are more gay stories.....I find the gay literature more intimate than visual porn. It’s telling what he chooses to read also. I’m wondering if anyone else has seen this from their GID

My partner used to read literotica....endlessly it seemed, and then want to 'act out' some of it. A progression from buying me sexy lingerie, that I initially thought was for me to be sexy for him but realise now it was the women in the stories he may have been recreating and fantasising about. 
I said "no" to all of that 18 months ago when he admitted to wanting more experiment with men. It's almost like we're both waiting to see who breaks first. Well, that's how I feel anyway. He is very close-lipped and unemotional regarding The Elephant in The Room and prefers to act like it doesn't exist.

I'm content being in that limbo you speak of, because I'm not ready to break yet
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (October 1, 2018 8:39 pm)


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

October 1, 2018 10:20 pm  #10


Re: Old Member Back with TGT once again

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

My partner used to read literotica....endlessly it seemed, and then want to 'act out' some of it. A progression from buying me sexy lingerie, that I initially thought was for me to be sexy for him but realise now it was the women in the stories he may have been recreating and fantasising about. 
I said "no" to all of that 18 months ago when he admitted to wanting more experiment with men. It's almost like we're both waiting to see who breaks first. Well, that's how I feel anyway. He is very close-lipped and unemotional regarding The Elephant in The Room and prefers to act like it doesn't exist.

I'm content being in that limbo you speak of, because I'm not ready to break yet
 

You describe exactly what my marriage has been like. Wow, it’s been a long road. My husband can barely look at me at the moment. I’m watching him as though from a distance. I’m curious as to whether he is about to confess, come out or something. I have no desire to initiate any conversation. I’m taking the advice on this forum - detach detach detach. It’s the first time I’ve been able to really do it.

My husband started with lingerie and through the years it progressed until as I say, I felt like a prop. I feel sad for myself how I sold myself out to keep the peace, keep my marriage, and keep him from sulking. In the early days I had some fun with the mistress/slave thing, however there was nothing other than that. As you said in your post - it was all about him being ravished after being submissive.

My heart is hurting though. I’m waiting for the real pain to start breaking through this strange detached feeling of being awake also. And alive - not depressed.

I’ve spent more than half my life with him, had two children and now a grandson we adore. And this is how it ends.

     Thread Starter
 

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