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September 28, 2018 10:06 pm  #1


Scared.

I just found out 2 weeks ago that my wife thinks she is gay. And that she doesn't love me romantically anymore and hasn't for the last year or two. Our marriage has been difficult over the last year and she blamed me for a lot of our problems. Now, I know that it wasn't entirely my fault. We have two children and I am terrified to be apart from them. I suggested we could live together and she was free to "find herself". She said that she couldn't do that and stay married to me. I feel so helpless because I can't do anything to save my marriage. I feel like she is growing our marriage away for her desire to be with a woman. I feel betrayed, angry and lost.

 

September 29, 2018 1:14 am  #2


Re: Scared.

Welcome Mark, sorry you find yourself here. Two weeks is still a pretty fresh wound so your feelings are not unusual. If you haven't already done so, I'd suggest reading the first aid kit post here - http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1217&p=1

You are correct in saying this wasn't all your fault. Don't get caught up in second guessing your past. There is probably nothing you could have done to prevent this. I too initially thought this was something I could live with. Fortunately my ex had an opinion similar to yours and that turned out to be the correct choice. You do not want to be 'ghost-spouse', rattling around the house while she is who knows where and with whom. Just hanging around in case she changes her mind. That is not a healthy way to live, physically, mentally or spiritually. Also think about what that example says to your kids about what a marriage means.

I'm assuming you meant to say she's throwing your marriage away. That is essentially true but it may also say she respects marriage (or you) enough to not want to stay together and not be fully in. I get it that you don't want to be away from the kids. Many of us here know what that's like. At the same time it doesn't have to be single custody with visits. If you live separately, but nearby, you might be able to split custody very evenly.

Remember, you don't have to decide everything immediately. Just focus on a few days at a time and not so much on next month or next year. Breath. Start contemplating the various options. Educate yourself on the obligations and processes in your jurisdiction regarding separations, divorces, child custody, asset splitting. Even if you're not going there, or not right away, getting knowledge now can help you later on.

Small steps until you get your bearings. It is possible to survive this. Stick around. Ask questions, read other's stories, vent. There's a lot of helpful and sympathetic people here who know what this is like.

Last edited by Daryl (September 29, 2018 1:16 am)

 

September 29, 2018 7:33 am  #3


Re: Scared.

Mark, I am so very sorry that you need to be here, but very glad that you have found this forum.

I found out on August 18th my husband was gay. On August 19th he told me that he was leaving me after 27 years of marriage. I remember thinking we could be together and live separate lives in the same space. The more this thought soaked in, I realized that I didn't want to be exposed to him "finding himself" and that I just really didn't want to know about it on a daily basis. Accepting my marriage was over was devasting but also allowed me to seek a brighter future for my self. In reflecting back, especially that previous 9 months of marriage, I realized how very badly he had been treating me. He also admitted to having an affair. I'm still trying to get over the "coming out as gay" to even get truly pissed off that he cheated on me!

As we moved forward, I made it clear to him that I would not live a lie and hide things from my kids (all young adults) and my family. I am not the kind of person who can hide stuff from people I love. Harboring secrets will only hurt you and your relationships with them. Make no mistake, your kids already know something is going on and were probably more aware of it than you were. Give them age appropriate truth, together if possible. I gave GH an ultimatium to tell our children by September 1st or I would tell them. He abliged and we told them together.

As my new reality washed over me, I was able to actually feel some relief from knowing that NONE of what had been going on between us and our marriage was caused by me! We are still living together until our home sells in the spring. But now, I'm no longer walking on egg shells everytime he walks into the room. I'm slowly building back up my self esteem and rediscovering who I am now. (And I'm pretty amazing ;-) When I do interact with my GH I always try to do so with kindness if not love. I chose to work through this with as much love in my heart as possible ... you actually can chose how to respond. By choosing kindness, I actually am calmer and happier myself. Don't get me wrong, I still feel like I've been hit by a 2x4 sometimes and I seek support at those times.

It is very important to take care of yourself. Talk to your friends and family. Talk to a therapist if you are able. Stop intimate contact with your spouse and get yourself tested for STD's. Get some exercise; physical activity is a huge stress reliever. Spend some great quality time with you and just your kids. 

Yes, I still love my husband ... but I am devasted, angry, and very sad that this is the life I am now going to be living. I accept that what I thought was my future is no longer my truth. I am working at finding out what my new future can hold and how I can truly be happy in it. 

Everyone moves through this process at a different rate. You do what is best for you in your own time. Be true to yourself and take care of yourself. <3

 

September 29, 2018 8:07 am  #4


Re: Scared.

Mark,

 A kind welcome.      Yes, please read the first aid thread.   MasONeil gave an excellent reply.  

I felt like you,   I did not want to leave my kids..  My GX back then had asked me to move out, threatened to have me forcibly removed.. she basically wanted me to go die under a rock somewhere   (but keep the money flowing).    I knew also if I left I would never see the kids...she would then twist it and say I left and abandoned the family.   It is shocking how they can become to explore their gay adolescence.    

Oh how I wish it could be like the movies or TV where we kick the spouse out and we and the kids stay..banishing our cheating and, now, unloving gay spouse.  But real life doesnt work like that.   With TGT I know I was in such shock I did not have the self esteem and strength to do that.   I could not hurt my 
then wife who was, in fact, hurting me.

My advise  ...and it is hard , so very hard   is do nothing rash right now.. do not leave your home. Maintain status quo.   This is a problem she created..you do not have to solve everything.  The fear, hurt, eggshells, shock are not of your making.     While this is hard it has the one advantage; you get to see your kids.  Work on building up strength and your support system.  Find a local SSN group, therapist, priest,.. Those kids need one parent that puts them first at an absolute level..and these spouses are just not it.  Being constantly there for my kids surpassed and overcame any hurt and abuse my GX had to throw at me.   

 

Last edited by Rob (September 29, 2018 8:40 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 29, 2018 9:40 am  #5


Re: Scared.

Thank you for the responses. I am staying in my home for now. Financially, we don't have another option. Ultimately, it really doesn't matter to me which of us stays in the house.  I have always said that this is my kids family home. They will always have this house to call home. That is something I never had, and need for them. She is struggling with this and feels incredibly guilty. She said "in  order to be myself I have to hurt everyone I love". I can't help but feel that is selfish. Even though I know that is irrational. She didn't choose these feelings.  It's not her fault but that doesn't change the fact hat I feel like collateral damage. She says she wants space but then asks me to do things like watch movies and go out with her co-workers with her and says she still enjoys my company. How am I supposed to deal with that?

     Thread Starter
 

September 29, 2018 10:43 am  #6


Re: Scared.

If you're not interested, I'd suggest you just say 'thanks but I'll pass'. Be kind but honest about it. You need your space as well. You need time to process this. Many of us are here because of a lack of honesty, intentional or otherwise.

If you need to share a house for now, I think you'll have to agree on how to best handle this, especially the social aspects of friends and extended family. If she needs to 'get out there' how will that be handled? What if you decide you want to take on some sort of side interest or social gathering as part of your own self-care? What happens if either of you spark up a relationship with someone else? If your experience parallels ours, this will likely happen to her long before it does to you and sooner than you expect.

One final thought from me. "Home" is not a physical residence, nor is it necessarily inhabited by two parents. It is where your kids feel sheltered, protected and wanted. I can recall my family living in eight different places until my parents purchased a house and they've since sold that place and downsized. I don't really miss any of those physical locations. They are the locations that created memories but not where they truly reside.

 

Last edited by Daryl (September 29, 2018 10:46 am)

 

September 29, 2018 10:57 am  #7


Re: Scared.

Hi Mark,

"she didn't choose these feelings"

no she didn't, but she did choose to marry you and have children anyway.  

 "incredibly guilty"  

from the stories I read here she sounds like your traditional closet femme lesbian who has an assertive and moral girlfriend who is trying to make her straighten up.

sorry.  

there's an old saying - a leopard does not change its spots.  You are a nice guy.  You care about others.  and you will always look after your kids.  whatever you do this will not change.  Your good nature will be undimmed.

Consider this - on a basic level you are completely attracted to her, she is immune to your charms.  your marriage has not been a level playing field from the start.

don't feel like you have to prove what a good man you are - not necessary.  if she really is feeling guilty good for her, let her wear it, it is hers.  but to be honest, it sounds a lot like she is pulling your strings - she feels incredibly guilty, you give her the house.  

wishing you all the best, look after yourself - a time will come when your future looks a lot brighter, but right now it's a lot of tough yards up ahead.

Last edited by lily (September 29, 2018 10:58 am)

 

September 29, 2018 11:27 am  #8


Re: Scared.

Mark wrote:

She says she wants space but then asks me to do things like watch movies and go out with her co-workers with her and says she still enjoys my company. How am I supposed to deal with that?

How do you deal with that? You don’t. You absolutely don’t engage in that entitled, confusing behaviour. It is totally unacceptable. She needs to stop using you as a pawn in her own messed up head. You need to accept that she is using you as such and put a stop to it. It’s called self-esteem.

 

September 30, 2018 11:49 pm  #9


Re: Scared.

Hi, I am sorry that you have joined this "club" that none of us expected to when we committed our lives to another.
It has been 18 years since my gx told me that he "wanted to explore his homosexual feelings. At the time, I was sure he would want to return, so stayed in the house.
A few months ago my children (daughter 31, son 28) told me their father has settled in France with a man who only speaks French. I live in Canada.
And so, having lived in this house for 31 years, it is time for me to move to a more manageable home....
So, be kind to yourself and don't take on responsibilities that are hers. I know that is easier said than done, I wish I had this forum available to me 18 years ago. Back then, there were not too many of us who knew we were in MOMs. ... Tend to your children as much as you are able. At the time they didn't appreciate my honesty and refusal to indulge in attacking their father.  And let me tell you he did his best to undermine my authority, it got so bad I questioned my sanity....

Last edited by gonzo2000 (October 1, 2018 12:34 am)

 

October 1, 2018 5:47 am  #10


Re: Scared.

About the "she asks me to do things":  It's not your responsibility to make her feel better by colluding with her to make it appear to others as if you're a normal couple and all's hunky-dory at home; it's not your obligation to let her off the hook for her guilt.  Choices come with consequences, however much we might like to evade them or make them go away.  The consequence for her choice to come out as a lesbian is that she no longer gets to benefit from your care; she gave up that right.  And whether or not it's deliberate, her inability to understand that and to own her choice is jerking you around, because you are still at some level hoping all this can go away. 

 

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