Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



September 24, 2018 8:29 am  #1


New to this forum - Is my husband gay?

Thank you for taking time to read this. I'm new to this situation and I'm not sure how to handle it and I need help. Here's a condensed version of my story:

I've known my husband since we were 16 yrs old and in high school (just friends), got together in college and now we will soon be empty-nesters and have been happily married for 26 years. Until now. About six months ago, I found gay porn on his ipad. I have subsequently found gay downloaded movies and tv shows and YouTube videos/recommended channels - all gay related on the same ipad. I've also found pictures in a "hidden" album of shirtless, muscular guys, one guy holding his penis. This ipad goes with him everywhere. I've fallen into a very nasty habit of spying on him by checking the ipad in the morning, in the afternoon and at night just to see what he's done during the day. He watches all of the above at all hours of the day, even when he's working out.

I should mention that despite the length of our relationship, we had an active sex life. He was my best friend and could always make me laugh. He's very good to me, always wants to take care of me and talks of retirement together. It was all good. 

Now after finding all of this on his ipad, I feel like it was all a lie. The trust is gone and I don't know how to be part of the life I thought I was going to have. I'm either angry with him or just sad - all the time. I can't ask him about it because he has a lot going on and is very stressed out (he has ailing parents, lost his job and is currently looking for work).

It's confusing and I don't know what to think. What do you think?

Last edited by Daisy LD (October 12, 2018 8:47 am)

 

September 24, 2018 10:02 am  #2


Re: New to this forum - Is my husband gay?

What do I “think”?   A lot of things(but more importantly it’s about your thinking now).   But first of all, I just want to say welcome and I’m so sorry you found yourself here.

Secondly, you are at the start of a process.  Were you really happily married for 27 years (if you start looking at it honestly ?).  You had a great sex life up until just 6 months ago?    He wants to take care of you, but is the reality that you take care of him?  He talks about retirement (our retirement became a nightmare, not life the way I had planned ).   Denial is such a huge thing, if I read your post right, youve turned into a dedectuve for the last 6 months, gathered a ton of evidence.  But not confronted him with any of it.

I’m not judging you, believe me.  My journey of coming out of denial took 4 years.  I couldn’t handle any of it.  He never came out about anything.  But I should have figured it out.  I had been asking mine, without proof, if he was gay (see that’s not even right, I did have all kinds of proof, but I was so gaslighted).  He would deny deny deny (yes my 23 years with him had been a lie, but it was his lie, not mine) and make me question my own sanity.    I too thought I had a perfect marriage.  After retirement as I discovered more and more, I couldn’t figure anything out.

Why are you afraid to confront him?  You list all of his problems.  He’s stressed out.  What about you?  What is all of this doing to you?  You’re not happy, isn’t it time to rip off the band aide?  Best wishes and big hugs. You found the right place.  Read read read the stories.

Last edited by 4everdamaged (September 24, 2018 10:16 am)

 

September 24, 2018 11:56 am  #3


Re: New to this forum - Is my husband gay?

I don't mean to sound naive. I want your opinion... is he gay or just curious?

On one side - he uses gay porn and movies/tv/youtube on a daily basis.
On the other side - he willingly (often initiates) sex with me and we have a good friendship.

Yes, I've collected lots of evidence but not confronted him with any of it. The only piece I've ventured out with is his social media where he follows certain male actors or athletes - no women. Also, to answer your question, yes, I truly believe we were happily married (until six months ago when I lost trust in him). I'm afraid to confront him because I think it would break him emotionally and, despite the lack of trust, I love him. I want to wait to confront him until our youngest is away at school and by then he will have found work. Timing will be better then. I just have to hold on to all of this one more year. It gives me time to figure things out. Stressful but after a 30 year relationship, I have to salvage something.

Thanks for the well wishes and hugs. I feel them through my tears.

     Thread Starter
 

September 24, 2018 12:53 pm  #4


Re: New to this forum - Is my husband gay?

Wow Daisy, ok, so your going to get all kinds of advice (from people who have been giving it longer then me). Is he Gay? Well he’s is something other then a straight heterosexual. He might not want to be, he might not have ever acted on it (have you read Sean’s thread, answers from a Gay Husband? If not, a really great place to start reading). You’re not going to start to know anything until you open a dialogue with him (not that he will tell you the truth, or he might confess all, who knows).

Now, putting myself in your shoes and thinking, if I had found out earlier (which in my opinion I think you have, cause the simple answer is, straight men don’t look at gay porn, period ). Would I have taken that year and started planning to leave? Putting money aside (hey he’s doing things behind your back) planning an exit strategy, planning on my future without him. Would that be your answer? If he told you yes, I’m Gay or yes I’m bisexual. Would you stay? I’ve often wondered if I would have gotten any honesty from my XH, what type of arrangement I might have been willing to try, to save my marriage, not loose the man I used to love with all my heart. Not to loose everything I had worked for. Looking back, I know that my XH does not want to be gay and is still spending his life trying to hide it.

Keep reading, that’s all I can say. You will get more responses. But even more, start asking yourself the questions. My XH was a very good con man. But once he realized that I wasn’t buying the con anymore, everything changed. Can you really go another year? I feel your tears, yes the blessings are real, I cried a river of the same tears.

Last edited by 4everdamaged (September 24, 2018 1:04 pm)

 

September 24, 2018 1:06 pm  #5


Re: New to this forum - Is my husband gay?

Daisy, welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us, but sorry that you had to search us out.

Thing is.... no one can answer that question. Even your husband probably can't really answer truthfully.

The story we read most on this board is that when confronted the spouse in question will tell the straight spouse that they are bi-curious, but would never act on it. When confronted with more evidence, they may move to bi-sexual. Many tend to camp out in the bi-curious or bisexual area. Very few move from it unless they meet someone they are willing to come out of the closet for, and it doesn't matter how much evidence you find.

I am also on a board for those experiencing betrayal trauma. Most of the women there have spouses who are porn and/or sex addicts. These women firmly believe that a heterosexual porn/sex addict will move into same sex porn or even same sex encounters because they need to take that addiction to the next level in order to get the same thrill, but they remain firmly heterosexual. (I don't understand it, but something about the arousal template changing after watching lots of gay porn. I don't think I buy it though, but I am no expert.)

So, my opinion is that he is gay, but again I'm not expert and I don't know him from Adam, so take it for what it is worth.

I will add though that the fact that he initiates sex doesn't mean he is straight, and that y'all share a great friendship has no bearing on his sexuality whatsoever. It sounds like your plan is to live with this for another year before you confront him. During this time, please take care of yourself. Many women, myself included, have stories of the physical toll the emotional stress has had on our bodies, so self-care is very important. I also wish I would have taken a friend's advice to start socking away a little bit of cash and gift cards in case I ever needed them, but I actually was naive and thought my spouse would honor his commitment to us and his promise to always provide for me and the kids. If you need it down the road, you have it, and if you don't, you have a little bit to go out and celebrate something and have fun.

 

September 24, 2018 2:19 pm  #6


Re: New to this forum - Is my husband gay?

Hi Daisy. 
Welcome to our group.  I'm glad you signed up and I hope you find this helpful to you.  We have an amazing group of people who are here for you. 

My thoughts:
He certainly has a same-sex attraction.  Clearly from what you've found on his ipad he is looking at gay men, so there is no doubt he has a SSA.  I have never met a straight man who looked at other men for enjoyment. The question I have is now whether he is truly bi-sexual or if he's only attracted to men.  In this forum, a very large percentage of us had our spouses tell us first they were BI because it's an excuse and a cop-out and imputes less guilt on them.  So i am skeptical of people who claim bi-sexual, but that doesn't mean it isn't real.  So..  does he seem genuinely attracted to you?   Does he seem to enjoy sex with you?  Does he instigate sex or just placate you?  Does he look at other women in public and pretend to hide it (not saying I've ever done that...)?   If you can say yes to these questions and you feel like you have a satisfying sex life, then perhaps you've got a true bi-sexual partner.   Perhaps you fulfill his desire for females and the stuff on his ipad is just curiousity?

I'm hoping the above applies to you.  That's my best possible outcome, optimistic hope for you. 

Once you figure out if he's Bi or Gay then you can figure out how to proceed and we will help you through that next step. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

September 24, 2018 2:20 pm  #7


Re: New to this forum - Is my husband gay?

Daisy LD wrote:

Thank you for taking time to read this. I'm new to this situation and I'm not sure how to handle it and I need help. Here's a condensed version of my story:....It's confusing and I don't know what to think. What do you think?

 

I think you have many questions that you won't get answers to. Your man has been 'undercover' for a while it sounds like, and will be steps ahead of you....as in hiding this secret part of himself. 
From what I have learned since becoming a member..our stories are too individual to fit in one box (there is no one answer to any one question) but each story's timeline will be shorter or longer depending on the 2 people involved and how willing they are to communicate, heal, be honest.....make decisions.

No straight man looks at gay porn constantly, and bisexual is so closely tied to homosexual that often "bisexual" may used as a reason/cover/excuse for delving into "all the stuff you've discovered.

Welcome to the Forum Daisy
 


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

September 25, 2018 8:20 am  #8


Re: New to this forum - Is my husband gay?

For privacy I've changed all name references in this thread to Daisy LD. 

Carry on... 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

September 27, 2018 4:23 pm  #9


Re: New to this forum - Is my husband gay?

First, thank you to all who responded to my inquiry. It was difficult to read and reinforced I guess what I already knew (based on the last six months). 

I hope to not sound cliche - my husband is my best friend. I could not imagine my life without him. In all honesty, I don't think I could survive without him. Before the last six months when I found his gay porn, movies, videos, and pictures, I seriously considered myself lucky to be married to my best friend and so happy. (Talk about a 180 degree turn!) I believe he's been faithful to our marriage. I also believe he wants a future with me. I really do.

This is all leading to a question for all you SSN veterans... do MOMs work?! I just watched the SSN video of Camilla's story and she seemed happy. I don't understand how they work; can a marriage survive on love and friendship and not attraction? How does the physical part of a MOM maniest itself? I completely understand the concept of doing anything for kids/family but my situation is soon-to-be empty-nester. My kids are on their way into adulthood and starting their own lives. I'm scared of confronting him especially at this stage in my life - my age, financial dependency on my husband and faltering emotional state - and being on my own. The idea, which I bury deep down because it makes me cry every single time I think about it, gives me nightmares.

So, do MOMs survive???

I'm just reaching for the last thread that may save my sanity, my life.

Last edited by Daisy LD (September 27, 2018 4:26 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

September 27, 2018 6:48 pm  #10


Re: New to this forum - Is my husband gay?

I think that is so situational there's no real answer. I also believe that they take a lot of commitment and work by BOTH parties. You can say that's true of any relationship but I think a MOM takes it to a whole new level.

Fear is an important emotion but only when it's kept in check by factual analysis. A relationship kept together by fear of not being together does not sound like a strong foundation.

All my opinion of course. We all have to pick our own path to walk, just please look ahead as far as you can to find the road that takes you to that place of peace and contentment. It's not always obvious which one it is.

Best wishes.

Last edited by Daryl (September 27, 2018 6:49 pm)

 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum