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September 20, 2018 9:26 pm  #11

Re: Hi. My spouse is gay and into transexuals. We have kids.

   I wish I could answer that question. 
   I made my move two months before I had planned to, because of something I saw that just made me rise up and say I couldn't take any more.  If that hadn't happened, I sometimes wonder whether I would still be stuck, waiting for him to speak or act, which by then I KNEW was never going to happen.
   What I would like to say is that what you can do to shake the paralysis is to act.  I concluded after my experience of waiting and waiting and thinking and thinking and processing and processing, thinking I was doing the work of detaching but really postponing what I didn't want to be the case, is that sometimes you have to act and let the emotions catch up later.  But I didn't do that myself, at least not consciously.  It's just as if something inside me rose up to say "no more."  
  But I don't want to say, either, that you should just trust yourself, and the end will come by itself, because that can be a way to avoid acting and to stay in the impossible hope of denial.  
   Moving ahead is hard; there's no doubt of that.  We know it's going to hurt, and there's going to be pain, and who in their right mind wants to walk into that?  The only thing I know is that there's an end to the pain on the other side of the decision.  I am SO much better off now, despite the low days I still have, than I was in the continual torment I was living in when I was with my stbx.  I'm not saying you should take a leap of faith, but maybe I'm saying knowing that can help give you assurance.  
  You'll be ok.  You really will.


September 20, 2018 9:37 pm  #12

Re: Hi. My spouse is gay and into transexuals. We have kids.


"..something I can do to shake this paralysis.."

First you are exactly where you need to be..  real life is not like the movies where one can just kick their spouse out and throw their stuff out with them..

Start doing small things for yourself..    you've done some of this.. post here..  you called legal aid..  Maybe
go to the library ,   take a walk..    I used to drive around town looking at places to rent and what they were going for.   Distancing myself from my abusive GX..learning how to live on my own.    Again,  all at your own steps..whatever you can manage each day..  there is no set rule or time table.   For some people in total shock its enough to just be able to get out of bed.  Be kind to yourself... you are not idle or are gathering strength.   

Some days are a step back but always move forward..always forward...head held high, face in the wind.    We are not citizens of the (gay/trans/abusive) valley..we need not build our home in the valley.


Last edited by Rob (September 20, 2018 9:39 pm)

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

September 21, 2018 10:08 am  #13

Re: Hi. My spouse is gay and into transexuals. We have kids.

You can try to drill down into why you feel so paralyzed.  If you had to articulate precisely what you're afraid of, what would that be?  It can be multiple things, of course.  But there's likely just one or two main things that are scaring you enough to stay put.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

September 21, 2018 10:13 am  #14

Re: Hi. My spouse is gay and into transexuals. We have kids.


Like said above, there is no answer.  I too had been one of those people who could always do the “hard thing, the right thing”.  I never had any disclosure from my XH, which made things harder.  I had gaslighting re the real problem and the deflection of drug addiction.

I did actually throw him and all his shit out in 2011.  My Mother was still alive and supporting my decision 100%.  She believed my suspicions of him being gay and kept asking me “what are you afraid of”.  Unfortunately I fell for love bombjng.  He was only out of the house for a month.   For the first time in years, we had the best sex ever and he begged me to take him back.  I fell for it and took him back.  My mother was devastated, her diatribe then moved onto “you must like being in misery, you will never leave him , you love him too much”.

And she was right too (for awhile ).  Then the real insanity came out (more like that’s when the real sociopath was born, as he tried to overcome his drug addiction).  I went into a world of trying to detach with love (more like the true start of my mental collapse).  Within two months of his returning home, he killed my dog.  I can’t even remember much of that time frame, but my Mother died and I was a lost cause.  He then “knew” I would never leave him. 

At any rate, I don’t know why I never “planned it”.  I guess I was paralyzed in my life of hell.  We sold our house and retired, that would have been the perfect time to divorce him (at least financially, I would have been better off).  The simple answer for me was I left when I was at rock bottom and could not take anymore.  Didn’t plan a thing, just could not take one more day.  It hit on a day when I was very sick and drove myself to the doctor.  He was home, just nuts, busy with his pot harvest.  I sat in my car and cried, I knew I could not spend another night in that house.  Called my step brother who lived two hours away and asked him to come help me, as I was afraid of him.  Took what I could put in my car and left.  I was a shell of a human being and completely broken by that point.  But as I left that driveway, I KNEW it was over. That was three years ago next month. 

Sorry not trying to hijack a thread here.  I’m way too honest these days, from the private messages I’ve got, it seems to be helpful to some to hear specifics.  Blessings to those still living a hell.


September 21, 2018 4:07 pm  #15

Re: Hi. My spouse is gay and into transexuals. We have kids.

Thanks, Rob. That is encouraging to know. I am trying to do this one step at a time, but I keep expecting so much of myself. 

Kel, I'm afraid of so many things. I'll try to drill down and uncover the the main core. 

4, I'm so sorry. I understand the paralysis too well. Real love wants good for the other, not to take and control the other. I don't know how I lost sight of that. I knew it was happening, but I thought he's just stressed, he will come back to himself and treat me well again. I guess it was hope, and love on my part. I don't know what it was for him. I try not to put myself down for believing his lies. He has fooled many people. The frog in boiling water is a good picture of what happened to me. I'm sorry he killed your dog. I'm glad he didn't kill you. 


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