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September 10, 2018 12:27 am  #1


Confused

Hi, I previously posted on here it’s been a month since my partner of 15 years came out and has been seeing men for the past three years or so he says. He also states he is confused since he doesn’t feel he is gay and states it was only sex even though he had an affair with the same person for the last two years. That lover pushed him to tell me the truth and at the end he left him. I have told him if wants to be with him he can go but he says he loves me and doesn’t care about his ex lover. In all honesty to be with someone for two years I feel he has feelings for him and what can I offer at this point. I am totally confused and can’t seem to put myself together this days. He says I am crazy for questioning him and his actions since he has already told me the truth and all he wants to do is work on our relationship and swears he will not cheat anymore. I don’t trust him and it feels like everything has been a lie. I am 37 he is 38 we have no children just finances together. I would love to have children one day I thought with him but now I don’t see that. I am hurting beyond words and have no one to vent to since he will never come out. Your words will be much appreciated at this time.

 

September 10, 2018 6:08 am  #2


Re: Confused

Perhaps it might help if you thought about his three year affair with a lover as if he'd done it with another woman--because cheating is cheating, whether with the same or opposite sex.  And your partner is using moves right out of the cheater playbook: when his lover left him, he came running home, but instead of doing what he could to re-earn your trust, he starts blaming you.  How would you react if this had happened to you  if you, at age 37 and wanting children in your life, heard this and the lover he cheated on was another woman?  Maybe it would be more clear for you.   I suggest you run over to Chump Lady.com and read up on the personalities and defects of cheaters.

 As for the question of whether he's gay...you don't have a three year affair with another man only "for sex."  

  I think you should turn the question "what can I offer him at this point" around and ask yourself, "What can he offer me?"  And the answer is: more heartbreak, more confusion (he's sowing that in you) that makes it harder to see reality and act on it (because he wants you around as a "beard"), and the loss of the small window of time you have left to have children.  

 

September 10, 2018 8:43 am  #3


Re: Confused

I agree completely with OOHC's comments.  Perfectly stated!

Your husband's perfect world right now is to have a relationship with a man, but not be seen by the world as gay.  That's why he has you.  I'm sorry that sounds so harsh, but it's exactly what he is doing.  

What do you want in a marriage Dolcevida?  What kind of life do you want to live?  You get to make these decisions for yourself.  You don't have to sit and wait for him to decide.  It were up to him, he'd keep you as his beard for the rest of his life.  

You are empowered.  You get to make the decisions.  Stop letting a liar and cheater hold you hostage and take back control of your life.  Set some groundrules for the relationship if you want to remain married.  If you don't want to, or he won't agree (and follow) what you lay down as expectations, then leave him and go find a real spouse who will love you the way you deserve.    Go find that sweet life! 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

September 10, 2018 9:24 am  #4


Re: Confused

Dolcevida wrote:

I am hurting beyond words and have no one to vent to since he will never come out.

In addition to what the others said, which was spot-on, I want to add this..... The fact that he remains closeted has no bearing whatsoever on your right to speak your truth and seek the help you need. Believe me. I understand your desire to keep your husband's secret. I tried to keep mine as well. However, it wasn't until I told an extremely trusted friend what was going on that I started to heal. If you don't have a friend you can trust, then go to a counselor. Some places of employment have EAPs which offer 3 or 4 free sessions with a counselor in your area. That may be a good place to start if it is available to you.

Just take care of you.

Stay strong.


 

 

September 10, 2018 10:34 am  #5


Re: Confused

Hi, I will take all the advise given and really think about my situation. I do want to have children and if we are not sleeping together obviously there are no chances of me getting pregnant. I can’t afford to waste time at my age. Pretty much my head is made up to leave but my heart can’t seem to understand that. The thought that I can’t offer him much if he only likes men.  I told him this and he says he is attracted to me just not all the time I don’t know what that means. I am so more confused. Only thing I know is he can’t accept his gay and would never come out. I really don’t want to live a lie and for both of us to be unhappy. I do need to find someone to tell this to because I just can’t seem to stop thinking about the cheating part. All this time he was unfaithful and with the same person and I just can’t stand it. On the other hand mentally he is so messed up I don’t know what to do. I will look in my area for support and try to be as strong as I can. Thank you to everyone for your words of wisdom it does help to know I am not alone and I can reach out thru this platform.

     Thread Starter
 

September 10, 2018 11:57 am  #6


Re: Confused

Take a look at the SSN face-to-face groups as one potential source of local support:
http://www.straightspouse.org/face2face-support-groups/

If you want to private message me your general location I can investigate a little further for you to see what other known options I might have.  

I know how hard it is to make your heart come to terms with your head.  This is proof that love is the strongest feeling.  It's the one that you can't start or stop in a matter of a day or week or even a month.  It takes a great deal of time to grow and cut away.  The pain of cutting it away is one of the hardest emotional trauma's you can endure.  

At some point you need to trust your mind and rip off the band-aid.  With separation the healing happens much faster and comes easier.  

I would advise that you start to research divorce and learn as much as you can.  Find an attorney that you trust and start to work out a plan.  Eliminate the fear that comes from the unknown by learning as much as you can and starting to fill in the voids.  

We are here for you each step of the way. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

September 10, 2018 12:22 pm  #7


Re: Confused

Thank you Phoenix I will private message you my location.

     Thread Starter
 

September 10, 2018 1:33 pm  #8


Re: Confused

You are still so young. Don’t stay as some of us did until you are older,especially if you want to have children. You are prolonging what most likely will end in divorce as he will continue to have and hide his gay inclinations. I wish you the best. Sometimes we just need to rip off the bandages, feel the pain and move forward.
I am 73 now and my life is so much better without my GID X.

 

September 10, 2018 1:51 pm  #9


Re: Confused

Dolcevida wrote:

.....I am hurting beyond words and have no one to vent to since he will never come out.....

 

With all the hurt and pain of the years when something felt wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it....then all the feelings of emotion & grief when my partner of 32 yrs told me he had fantasies and desires for men that went far beyond what I will accept, with the knowledge I have now that men with sexually dishonest hearts will hide and lie to keep their secrets......I strongly advise you NOT to keep his secret to yourself.

It will eat you up inside to keep it hidden. Find a non-judgmental counselor and tell your story. That's a first step.
 


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

September 10, 2018 3:52 pm  #10


Re: Confused

Dolcevida,

My heart aches for you.  I echo everything said above.  I get it, you’ve been with him since you were 22 and you’re world is centered around him.  You called him your partner , so maybe you’re not married?  Finances, good or bad that can be worked out.  Please get tested for STD,s. If I read your post right, there were other men before he fell in love with the last one (and don’t kid yourself, he was in love).

My XH never came out of the closet, I spent years in denial while he cried that his life was a lie (I too loved him and wanted to help HIM).  Please read up on gaslighting and narcissism. This Is all a test.  If you stay, you fail the test and he will think he can do whatever he wants (like he’s been doing for three years).  And that’s just what he told you.

Get mad, think about all the lies for the last three years (that you know of). 

Best wishes, keep posting.  You’re on the right track, please don’t just believe that this can all go away, because you want it to.  I know starting over is hard, but the younger the better.

Last edited by 4everdamaged (September 10, 2018 3:55 pm)

 

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