Hi constructive!

Welcome to our group.  Sorry you are going through divorce and all the stress that comes along with it.  I hope it's the start to a new and wonderful life. 

Do you have a lawyer?  If so, this is certainly a question that you should review with your attorney.  If you have already, and you are just looking for 2nd opinions, then hopefully we can help.  I do know that at least one of our members is an attorney, but I'm not sure what extent she is able to help. 

I am definitely not an attorney, so take my thoughts as simply slightly educated guesses. 
I don't think alimony/separation maintenance can be associated with or require an NDA.  It seems like a judge would strike that down with a quickness.  Unless perhaps your ex has agreed to go far above and beyond what the court would consider "fair" and is giving you the extra in exchange for your promise of secrecy.  But that doesn't seem to be the case here. 

One of my biggest platforms is that straight spouses should never be forced to remain in the closet.  Most of the SSN board and our founder and most of the members of this forum all feel passionately about this topic.  We are marginalized and forgotten about by society enough as it is.  We should always have a chance to speak out on our own behalf and tell our truth.  

You absolutely should have control over your life and you can tell the truth of your story to whomever you wish.  

Hopefully you get lots of help here with this question.  I'm sure it will spark a great dialogue. 

constructive changes wrote:

I am a straight spouse currently in the process of a divorce initiated by my mtf spouse who is progressing with transition.  We were together for over 25 years and the divorce took me by surprise.....In the divorce settlement it is being requested I sign a Non Disclosure Agreement with respect to our lives together. . 

 

I'm not clear on what the consequences and ramifications of a NDA would be in your country but.....signing it sounds like the truth of your r'ship would be forever buried, and you would be a forever-silenced partner....ex-partner ...in something that wasn't of your making, just so he/she/whatever can be guilt-free?

Fuck him/her/whatever. Don't sign it. There must be another avenue to go down!
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (August 28, 2018 2:44 pm)

Hi Constructive, I guess I am a little confused. You say your spouse is progressing with transition. Does that mean socially and medically? If so, the secret is out or at least will be soon, so protecting his closet isn't an issue. Is it the "dead naming" issue that OOHC mentioned? My STBX, also MTF, hasn't asked for any such agreement now that transition is complete. However, I have often told friends that she got everything she wanted and still doesn't seem happy, so she is trying to get rid of everything she no longer wants - like me. I know she was even trying to get her birth certificate reissued to reflect her new name/gender, so that is definitely all a part of what OOHC addressed. Still don't know how to explain away the male DNA and the kids she helped produce as a male, but okay.

Anyway, I personally feel many of these relationships are traumatic and abusive. To take your voice is just another form of that abuse.

Please speak with an attorney, and not just about this. Don't take your spouse's word about what and how much you are entitled to. 

Also, please don't answer the questions I posed - at least not publicly - just in case a NDA would be in your best interest (although I don't necessarily see how).

Stay strong.

Constructive, I'm sorry for the serial posting, but I just got really angry on your behalf.

After 25 years of marriage, your maintenance payments are life-and-death to you.  Under absolutely no circumstance is it acceptable for anyone to use your vulnerability against you like this.  The only thing that should appropriately result in a reduction of your maintenance payments would either be that you have won the lottery and no longer need the support, or your ex has suffered an extreme financial setback not of his own making that convince a judge he should be allowed to reduce your support payments.

If he wants to negotiate a separate NDA (and again, I wouldn't sign, but that's just me), as long as your maintenance payments are not part of the enforcement within that contract, that's up to you.  But I'd be clear about this much: your divorce settlement is intended to reflect only the division of assets and financial support obligations going forward, and not who was at fault during the past.  So past behavior has been reasonably excluded from consideration, in working out his payment obligation.  Fair is fair.  If his past behavior has no bearing on how much he pays, neither should your future behavior be a factor in reducing that obligation. 

I read the talk of a NDA with curiousity.
It sounds like narcisstic entitlement to me.  These spouses are not God or Dr Who..they cannot rewrite the past or make like it never happened.  It is all in their head and telling us to be silent does not make what is in their head true..