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September 3, 2018 11:58 am  #21

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

One day at a time is right ... that's the only way they come ;-). Learn from the past, live in the present and embrace the future as it comes. The "deaths" of the past will bring new growth for the future. There is still a lot of life to live. 


September 3, 2018 12:28 pm  #22

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

I was struck by how the addition of a comma into the phrase "I'll just take it one day at a time" becomes a heart-wrenching description of your experience with your SD: "But until then I’ll just take it, one day at a time."



September 4, 2018 10:49 am  #23

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

Thanks everyone,  truly thank you.

The entire experience (about 5 hours) was surreal.  Kind of like my life I guess.  I just updated my story and added a little (I told SD about catching XH looking at pictures of erect horse penises). His brain couldn’t fathom it anymore then mine did at the time, lol.   Oh enough.   I’ve got unpacking to do.  Total and complete exhaustion took over me yesterday and I spent the day in the couch, can’t do it today.  Hugs to all

     Thread Starter

September 4, 2018 1:12 pm  #24

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please


I'm sorry your meeting with your step-father didn't go well.  I wish it had. 

I'm so impressed with your strength though.  You had the guts to give it a try to rebuild that relationship rather than fleeing from the stress of it.  It didn't work out, but at least now you know and you can move forward and not worry about it anymore. 

Time to move forward.  The 2nd half of your life is going to be amazing and fulfilling.  Just wait and see!

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


September 4, 2018 6:13 pm  #25

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

Thanks Phoenix,

Your a doll.  I read your up date.  I’m so happy for you.  I understand, I took my time and really questioned re marrying.  But, I am at my core truly about living every day to the fullest.  Maybe I’ll be able to change my log in too, but then again, this arm will never be undamaged.   But maybe I can change it one day to damaged but not broken, lol.

     Thread Starter

September 5, 2018 10:10 pm  #26

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

Welcome back 4ever. I was afraid your SD would behave like an asshole. But obviously he is living in his own miserable hell while your life will only improve. You did your part and the the truth will come out in time.

Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 

September 6, 2018 10:45 am  #27

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

The truth won’t ever come out to my SD, before he dies.  He will go to his grave believing my XH,s lies.  He doesn’t see him, but apparently XH emails once a month to see how he’s doing (more like staying in his good graces).  I’m sure XH is hoping to be in the will, for all I know XH is.  After all, he did almost get SD to help him buy me out of our home.

I would like to say that will be the final hurt (possibly being completely written out).  But there will be no final hurt.  I tried to do productive things yesterday and overworked my damaged arm.  I laid in bed last night in pain and couldn’t sleep.  Just made my mind simmer with anger.  I know, be grateful I didn’t get HIV (oh being tested for that was just so thrilling after being faithfully married for 22 years).

I need to get back to where I was before.  Just reconsumed with all the anger, hurt and memories.  So many years of lies lies lies.  I feel old and tired right at the moment (I’m sure all this stress has just done wonders for my MS).

I’m just so angry that SD refused to talk about anything.  Part of why I went was, that he had said we had things to “hash out”.  So I said, ok, what do you want to hash out.  Then he wouldn’t talk about anything.  Other then babbling nonsensically (dementia?) about different things, (mostly my mothers death ).

He was so nasty when I left my XH, I had gone to my step brothers house when I left.  I only stayed a couple of days and when I left I handed all my powers of attorney to my step brother saying it’s your turn.  Maybe he does have dementia now, I don’t have contact with step siblings, the whole thing was too seedy for any of them to understand (see in their eyes they are all better Christians then me lol)

Isn’t that a farce, my Christianity is one of the things that kept me in the marriage for so long.  Keep praying for a miracle you know.  Ps I haven’t lost my faith, I look back now and realize that my pride had kept me from seeing the answer and the truth for so long.  The core of who I am is the only thing that’s stopping me from doing what I really want to do (send XH a gift subscription for the nastiest gay magazine I can find lol).

I won’t do it, but it makes me smile, just the thought of it (immature I know).  About as immature as XH and girlfriend were when they packed a box of my clothes and dumped a dirt filled plant in it.  If you’ve read my story, I was in the hospital when my house was sold.  Didn’t get to finish packing (thanks to Psycho XH) so XH and new girlfriend decided what I actually got (my bio father went to get my stuff when I was in the hospital ).

Well that was quite the regurgitation.  Guess it’s a better place for it, then going on some news Chanel.  Not that that thought hadn’t crossed my mind.  I think that’s what’s stopping me from writing a book.  The fear that XH will come after me to finish the job.  Although new supportive husband says I can write my book using a fake name.

Ok deep breath , thanks for letting me rant.  Back to One Day at a Time and the Serenity Prayer.  So I guess for today, I will go take a shower and try and make the most out of this day!

     Thread Starter

September 6, 2018 11:27 am  #28

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

Ok, rant not over.  I just want to add, that part of my anger is at myself.  I’ve been thinking about XH first wife (they were married for 14 years and had three kids).  I wish she was alive to tell her that I am sorry for not believing her.  I wish I could have dinner with her.  He convinced me that she was a crazy bitter angry ex wife.  She left him.  She hated him so much that she tried to get him fired from his job as a cop.   She joked about him being gay.  I wish I could remember all the accusations she made when she tried to get him fired.  But I stood by his side and swallowed and believed every lie he told.

Just like his new girlfriend now.  Karma, lol. Came around to me and will carry over to her.  I often wonder, if I had not shot him and she would have shown up right after he killed me.  Would she have still stood by his side.  Would he have gotten away with it?  Even deeper, was it planned ? 

After all, I did tell her he was gay?  But she was still more then happy to step into my life and take what I had worked for for so long.   So what would be the theme of my book?  My messed up childhood that made me the perfect victim?  Living with a drug addict?  Narcissist?  Closet gay? Sociopath?

Okay shower

     Thread Starter

September 6, 2018 12:20 pm  #29

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

Ok, so it’s turning into a blog today, sorry.  I did get that shower, btw.  This is the only place I have to vent, sorry.  I just realized why I’m so focused on writing a book, or telling my story. 

It’s funny how a memory can just come to you.  When XH went into rehab and I first actually asked the question “are you gay?   That was when he started complaining that I am too honest (and too religious).  I didn’t get it until just now.  I am a very honest person, not in a hey that’s an ugly shirt you’re wearing.  But just in a moral way of telling the truth.  I just got it, he knew that he couldn’t come out to me, for whatever reason he didn’t want to break up the marriage.   But more importantly he didn’t want to come out of the closet.   He knew that if he told me I would leave.   He also knew that I would tell and tell I did (not his family or the grown kids though).

I guess I need to be grateful that he never did.  I don’t know what arrangement I might have been willing to “try” to not loose my marriage.  I do know that I never would have been happy though.

Maybe that’s one of the reasons I’m so angry.  He was willing to kill me to keep his secret, or shut me up, or just to not loose HIS house (and that’s funny cause I made more money most of the marriage, due to child support and alimony ).  He didn’t kill me, but he’s the one who “won”.  Poor guy, TWO crazy ex wives, what are the chances right? Lol

So now what, I’m in as much emotional pain again as I was three years ago when I left.    How do I stuff it again.  I was so happy before going to see SD.  Do I just put this Ipad down and quit coming on here?  Or is it possible I’m helping someone who is just lurking like I did.  I found this website after I left him.

Shows like Grace and Frankie and Fran Dreschers show/story, had enthralled me and started waking me up.  But those were amicable splits.

People are reading this, even if they r not posting.  What if my story helps save just one person?  I want to do more!

Think about it, even if I would have been posting on here before I went to get my stuff and he would have killed me.  You guys would never have known what happened to me.  I would have just disappeared.  Headlines ?  No , it would have been a “domestic dispute”.  Man killed Crazy ex wife in self defense (if he got away with it).  If not , the headline would have been drug crazed man killed ex wife, to keep the house.

Ok, getting dressed and going to hardware store.  Yes, will start looking into a new therapist in this tiny town lol

     Thread Starter

September 6, 2018 1:29 pm  #30

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

Don't worry 4 ever, even if you don't get a lot of responses you have a bigger support team than you realize.
Keep up your faith and know that God is your biggest support and no matter how big an army or nation is, they are nothing if he's behind you. Sometimes he lets us go through things just to learn and get stronger. 

Write that book. It will be good therepy for you and even if you're the only one to read it, sometime from now whenever you pick it up, you'll realize just how far you've come. 

As far as the closet cases; it confuses me why they get married or date the opposite sex in the first place. The only thing I've heard is their desire to be straight is so strong they go and present to the world that lie, maybe hoping it will come true. And I can get a portion of that as a mistake that you eventually correct but most of the men I notice are older and it appears just a plain selfish way to have the best of both worlds.
Like I said in another post there should be laws against it to where it protects the straight spouse or at least compensates them in some way if their GID comes out later with some excuse that they didn't realize it until later after marriage. Regardless, it would still make people think twice before jumping if there was some disclosure for accountability if homosexual behaviour/cheating were there as a warning. It's a thousand times worse than regular cheating for most of the people I've talked to. So if there ever was such a thing it would have to be agreed upon by both spouses since some are okay with it. If I ever decide to remarry I'll have one drawn up myself. Another big if since these people can destroy your trust in any human again.

But the big why remains. Are they sick? It seems most are quite sane or hold it together pretty good for the world to see.I'm always reading about police stings involving hundreds of men having public sex with each other and the majority are married with respectable positions in the community. 
To me it's sick and demonic. I feel so sorry for their wives but not an ounce of empathy for the men. It pisses me off when I hear of others supporting or justifying the behaviour.
Oh well, I guess it's a sign of the times. 
Okay that's my rant for the day. Stay well and keep posting.

Last edited by Scrupulous (September 6, 2018 1:31 pm)

Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 

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