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August 29, 2018 5:06 pm  #11

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

I am new to this forum also. I only found out that I will not have "my happiliy ever after" on 8/19. That being said, I did read your story. You do have a book to write! How extraordinarily awful that all must have been. Clearly you are a survivor! It gives me hope knowing that you could live through all that and find happiness in your life. But those loose ends ... 

Go and visit your step father. Tell him how very much you have missed him and want him back in your life. Acknowledge that he wanted to "hash" things out. Then you will have to let him say his peace (as hard as that may be). Acknowlegde his statement whatever that may be (paraphase it back to him ... and that is how you feel?). Offer him the opportuntiy to hear the rest of your story. If he refuses, tell him you miss him and are ready to continue the conversation when he is ... and sadly then you will need to leave. If he will listen then let loose and show him your scars (both physical and emotional).

Being true to yourself. I hope that your new husband will go with you.

sending bright light and peace to you 


August 29, 2018 6:24 pm  #12

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

Thanks kel and mas

New hubby is going with me, I do have hope, but this is it.  Mas I’m sorry about your recent news.  Life does getter better.  It’s a process though, whatever the circumstances.

     Thread Starter

August 30, 2018 12:01 pm  #13

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

Well ,

I’m one day closer.  It’s absolutely amazing to me, just how much pain I’m in right now.  I have things I could / should be doing, but just no motivation whatsoever.  I don’t know if it will help or not, coincidence I don’t know. But there is a grief/loss support group starting tonight in the little town I live in.  I’m going.  One of the things I’ve said since not just leaving my XH, but since the “big ending” and losing the kids and granddaughter was that I feel like that person who didn’t get on the plane.  That crashed with all their family on it.

Loss, I don’t know if I’ll just listen or not.  Grief, losing my Mother 6 years ago, still not over it.   Maybe that’s the big part of this weekend, SD is my last link to her and happier times in my life.

So many horrible memories flooding my mind right now.  I don’t know if this group will be what I need or not (very conservative small town).  If it just might be, that connecting with other hurting people will help.   Someone else to talk to.  I need this weekend over.   


     Thread Starter

August 30, 2018 1:18 pm  #14

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

You clearly have a lot of processing going on ... and sadly some PTSD it sounds like. I hope that you have a therapist that you are also able to talk to and help you move forward. I/we are here to listen and support you. I will pray that things are going to work out in the best possible way for you. You will certainly be on my mind over the weekend.

Bright light and prayers coming your way!


August 30, 2018 2:48 pm  #15

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

Thanks Mass,

I still believe in the power of prayer.  Part of my isolation in this new town, just not finding a “place” where I’m comfortable.  PTSD, oh ya.  This group tonight is led by a therapist, so I’ll see.  I thought I was done with therapy when I left my XH, until the attack on my life.  I was in therapy again after that, until I moved early this year.  I really don’t have a desire to sit around and cry.  But I might have to get back to therapy until new DH retires and we can move back to “civilization “ lol.

We’ll see what happens tonight, part of my many problems is that after two decades of living a lie and presenting “perfection” to the world (but living in secret misery).  I’m too outspoken now, I don’t seem to have great filters anymore.  I want to stand on top of the Empire State Building and scream my truth, lol.  That’s a bit of an exaggeration , but in some ways not.  Maybe I need to take up boxing, oh that’s right, no gym here lol.

But no matter what, it doesn’t fit in this very small, extremely conservative small town, lol.  Maybe that’s what I’m looking for tonight, one of the lessons I learned a few years ago in my travels.

“Everyone has pain, that persons might be this much and that persons might be much more - BUT all pain is the same”.  That out of the ashes comes the beautiful rose.  My house if full of inspirational sayings.

Sorry if I’m going on too much.  But this board is helping me keep my #$&# together for the moment.  Im Second guessing myself why I’m even going.  But besides the people who were taken away from me and the toxic people (like my bio father that I had to walk away from). I really do love my SD and just feel that I have to do this.  Like ripping off a band aide, get it over with.  The last loss from my past (or hopefully possible reconciliation ).

I think reading others stories on here, is helping me face this.  Reminding me that I was not the most, absolutely stupidest, person on the planet lol.  That I was not a bad person for believing in love and commitment.  That the person I loved was a very good actor and manipulator .  Typing that makes me think about my new husband and how I need to “get over it”, and he doesn’t need to be punished for what I went through in the past.

Okay, enough of that purge, need to go switch the laundry.  I promise I’ll post an up date when this weekend is over.

     Thread Starter

August 30, 2018 3:37 pm  #16

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

Get a speed bag.  (Smile)  Put it in the basement or garage or barn.


August 30, 2018 4:47 pm  #17

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

Filters? I don't need no stinking filters! ;-)
I announced at my 50th birthday (a few years a go) that now all my filters were off. People laughed and asked if I ever had filters. My reply was "You have NO idea!" ... LOL

Vent away! Take a long walk (that is what helps me most of the time). You've got this. Deep breaths. 

Last edited by MasONeil (August 30, 2018 4:48 pm)


September 2, 2018 10:06 pm  #18

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

Hi all. I’m back home and exhausted.  Still preprocessing and will post more later.  Bottom line it was very very ugly.  SD doesn’t seem to have any love left in his heart for me.  He is still in touch with XH and still blames me for everything.  I’m lying about XH being (closet gay), basically anything I have to say is a lie.

He did like my new husband though, lol.  Thanks everyone, I’ll post more later.

     Thread Starter

September 3, 2018 7:26 am  #19

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

I have been thinking about you all weekend. I am so very sorry to hear that his heart is closed and isn't able to hear the truth. It must have been incredibly awful. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending a virtual hug.


September 3, 2018 10:29 am  #20

Re: Hi, I'm new on here and need advice Please

Thank you mass,

Just one more door closing in my life.   It was very strange.   In some ways I feel sorry for him and in some I don’t.  He’s a bitter old angry man.  It wasn’t even like walking into my parents home.  He’s just waiting to die.   He has wiped away all memories of my Mother.  Everything that they ever had or collected in their life was gone (given to my step siblings or sold at garage sale).

It’s like the house is a staged model home or something, just bare neceitties for life.  But the bigger hurt was that he had been lying to me, that he didn’t have any contact with my ex.  Wow, the lies he’s been telling for three years.  SD would not even look at my arm, didn’t care. Didn’t even ask me how I am.

I was speechless when I left and didn’t want to discuss it at all with new DH till yesterday morning.  That kind of grief and gut wrenching tears knocked me down a bit.

But back to the start of my original post.  I think I could have shown my SD a picture of my XH having sex with a man and he still would not have believed it, lol.  I guess he was as gaslighted as I was and is still being charmed by the con man.

I will be looking for a new therapist again that’s for sure.  But until then I’ll just take it, one day at a time.  It’s like I just went to his funeral, but he’s still alive.  Jut it was definitely like going to my own funeral in some ways.  The final funeral of the first 47 years of my life.  Now at 50 I’m starting a new one.   Think I’ll edit my story page, maybe not today but soon.  I p,an to leave it on there.  If my story can ever help anyone, then I have done some good in the world.

     Thread Starter

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