soconfused wrote:

My husband says he's trans. I knew he cross dressed before we married, 30 years ago. I didn't have a problem with it. But it kept escalating. He buys so many clothes. He has hundreds of outfits.  He lied to me about his spending for years. Last year I discovered he had taken all the money out of our retirement. Is this part of being trans or is this something else?

This is about being deceptive and dishonest, and not being upfront with the very person you should be honest with.
The 'trans' part of your situation is secondary in my opinion.
 

Dear So Confused,
   Several of us here have dealt with cross dressing/trans spouses, and what you describe, escalation and secrecy and deception, is part of the pattern.
   Your spouse sounds like he might, like mine, be an autogynephile, or a man who who is sexually excited by the thought of himself as a woman, and who therefore dresses up to satisfy his urge to "feminize" himself.   If you want to know more about this condition, you can look online for a free and downloadable copy of the psychologist Michael Bailey's book, "The Man Who Would Be Queen."  You can also look for the website and writings of Anne Lawrence, a transperson and psychologist, who has written "Becoming What We Love."  Other of Lawrence's writings are available there.  
    Protecting your finances is of paramount importance, and I suggest that you immediately move to protect them.  Get your own bank account; transfer whatever you can to that account.  And see a lawyer, to find out what your protection is under the law.  You don't want to be held liable for his credit card debt. 
   I'm sorry you're experiencing this; I watched my stbx turn into something/someone I could barely recognize--the giddiness of the "pink fog," the escalation, etc.  It's mindblowing.  
   

I did call legal aid today to get some legal help on the finances. 
They haven't called back yet. 

soconfused - you can send private messages to other users. Just click on the Inbox button and look for the option to send a message to someone.

Why would your spouse come here to read unless it's to try to spot you posting here? If so I'd suggest being a bit vague on the personal details. Take care of yourself, small steps or big steps forward, they all count.

So confused:
   I am ok now.  We are separated and divorcing.  I initiated it.  I have lived apart from him now for 7 months, 2 in a housesitting gig and 5 now in my own apartment.   35 years of marriage, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done to decide that I couldn't go on in it.  My stbx, like your spouse, insisted that he was "too ashamed" to dress in public, but also insisted that I accept him 100% ("To the extent that you can enjoy me as a woman," he told me when he first disclosed he had decided he was transgendered, "we have a future together.")--yet he couldn't accept himself enough to own what he said was "merely an alternative sexuality that doesn't hurt anyone."  He said that because he "couldn't pass" he would simply dress and act out in private, with me, while maintaining his public persona as the male/man he is.  As if you or I or the grossly obese woman I work with has the choice of whether or not to go out into the world each day to avoid the kind of judgment women--especially old or fat women--are subject to.  So I was the only one having to adjust or pay the costs of his decision: at home, I had to accept him as a woman; at work, I had to deal with being a woman in a man's world.  And I was in his closet, for a year and a half before I told anyone and found the SSN.  Telling someone you trust in your day to day life what you're going through is the single best thing you can do for yourself right now, so you aren't isolated.   And posting here.  
   I don't know if it's a kind of temporary insanity or an intense narcissism that accompanies coming out; all I know is that my stbx became someone I didn't recognize (and I don't mean with respect to gender presentation!).  
   Private message me if you like.  You might also search for threads that mention cross dressing or transness; you can also search by name--the posts of the woman who goes by "whatasham" were extremely helpful to me, and she, like you, has a spouse that has crossdressed for many years.  
   You will get through this.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 27, 2018 8:22 pm)