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August 16, 2018 10:29 pm  #1


What A Surprise, He is not Gay but Bisexual

Well, it finally happened to me. My husband now decides he wants to be "honest" with me. He tells me he is just "bisexual," and has struggled with sexuality issues since age 40. He is now 65 years old, and he knows he is not Gay but he is Bi-Sexual.

Does the BS ever end? Really, I am suppose to believe this crap, he loves me, only bisexual, will never act on his tendencies toward men....blah....blah.....blah.

Thanks to all of you, I have kept my sanity thru all of this. Without SSN, I may of possibly believed this, it would of been like holding onto hope that I could save this "marriage," but I can truly see it for the BS it is!!

So  just want to say thank you to all my SS buddies for keeping it real and letting me see the light. The truth. MY GIDH is soon going to be my XGIDH.

 

August 17, 2018 3:57 pm  #2


Re: What A Surprise, He is not Gay but Bisexual

I'm so sorry for the constant head games.  It does seem to be never-ending, doesn't it???

I never understand them coming up to us in ANY way and then claiming to never want to act on it. What is the point of TELLING us that, then?  I don't go telling my straight husband about all the men I might consider (who appear interested back) if he weren't in the picture.  He IS in the picture, so that all seems pointless because I don't intend to act on it. It's one thing to entertain those thoughts in your own mind - that this person is nice, that that person really floats your boat physically, etc.  But what is the point of telling someone about all of that unless you WANT it to happen???  It makes ZERO sense to me.

WTF does "bisexual" even mean, anyway?  They like to use it because they'd like us to think that they are open to both men and women, and they just happened to pick you.  But that never seems to be the way it truly works, does it?  They'd like us to think that they're 100% fulfilled by either/or - and they chose us because of opportunity and how amazing we are.  Well..... if that's true, then do I hit all your cylinders 100%?  It's never 50-50 like they like to make it out to be.  Maybe they mean "I can get excited by and tolerate sex with both sexes - except that only men truly hit all my cylinders". I am open to both white men and men of color. That being said, I don't go back and tell my black husband that I DO find white men attractive, too.  What difference does it make unless I'm trying to give him a message (which would essentially be "I find you attractive, but not AS attractive as white men), or unless I was telling him that I needed to be with a white man also in order to be completely fulfilled.  None of that is even true in my case, so there's no point in bringing up my preferences. He knows I find other men attractive - but to mention it would be akin to announcing intent. Since that's not the case, there's no point in "being honest". I put that in quotes because while it might be honest, that's not the entire story there. They just like to say that because it makes them look better.  "Just being honest".  Yeah, well - if you're honest about having murdered someone, it doesn't make you a good guy just because you told the truth.  They're still gonna label you a murderer and throw you in jail. Honestly is not a get-out-of-jail-free card.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

August 17, 2018 11:16 pm  #3


Re: What A Surprise, He is not Gay but Bisexual

Yes!!! You go girl! Re reading your posts I'm so glad that your not stuck into the denial stage they masterfully trap you in. Keep up the good work. You sound like a supersmart and super strong woman. I can imagine how many men out there that would love to have a woman like you in their lives. Like Kel, you saw through the BS and like her you will have someone much more deserving of you in time. Cheers and best wishes.
XOXO

 

August 17, 2018 11:38 pm  #4


Re: What A Surprise, He is not Gay but Bisexual

BTW Kel, I agree with everything you said. I noticed with my X that he was smitten with me as long as no men were around. But as soon as one came into the room that he fancied, it's as if I disappeared. 
Bi is such BS. I do believe it exists in the mind of the men that claim they are while they are on the journey to figure out that they are actually gay. But if it really exists, it's rare. I'm so glad you found someone to complete you.You truly deserve it. And while everyone claims sexuality has many shades..
Mine is white from a hetro view but from an attraction view, I like all shades of men. Chocolate is one of my favorites!
If you could only see one of my options..Beautiful man! 36 (much younger than me)..dark knight with dreads, a beautiful soul and straight!
Anyway, Violated, that was an example of some options. Lol. It doesn't mean I act on them but it is sure nice to know we have them. 
Life is good. [img]http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/happy.png[/img]
 

 

August 18, 2018 6:15 am  #5


Re: What A Surprise, He is not Gay but Bisexual

In my humble opinion, the translation to the "I'm bisexual but will never act on this" statement, well, this equals..."I do not care if I am hurting you, this is all about me, seriously, you are not my everything, behind your back I am looking at men, working to fit into this newfound identity.  This is my excuse for never really being present with you, but instead looking past you and not fully appreciating your voice, your heart, your love or place in my life."  There comes a point, however, that this can no longer be about them, who they are attracted to, if they are with us or not, there comes a point to where we must take full responsibility for ourselves and our path forward.  I mean, look at how much time we are fretting over this issue...we are placing someone else's confusion under a microscope, looking for a truth that may always be on the other side of what is in view. 
One day I woke up, announced to my H (declaring that he owns his own baggage and that I was no longer carrying that weight for him) and decided to really get busy in therapy.  No more games, there is no time for games and time is so very precious to me...I deserve a good life filled with happy and that is what I'm aiming for. 
So here's the thing... I've changed.  I see my own value and I matter.  To be absolutely honest, I do NOT want a relationship with anyone right now.  I do not wish to fall into any sort of distraction away from finding myself.  I'm working on my self esteem, the why I have enabled just about everyone in my life to walk all over me and I'm trying new hobbies, I've adopted a new look and a new approach at everything.  Do you know what?  I've taken on the idea that I want to live today that makes yesterday jealous.  I'm working to erase an unhealthy pattern where I'm waiting for him to get his act together.  I'm done waiting, that limbo is no place to live. 
As for my H, this all goes so much deeper than an announcement on how he identifies.  I mean honestly, so what, right?  Big deal.  Bi is an excuse...a way to cast a shadow over a marriage that should reflect both people being in it at 100%.  That excuse gives them a way to play us and everyone who is effected by our relationship, including our children.  They have an excuse to check out, to be moody, make everything they do and say have a double meaning...or not...to have everything revolve around them.  That works to keep us off balance and to impose a net over us and our existence.  They fantasize while believing the grass is greener on the other side of the fence when in the end, this has more to do with their inability to get real about life and to be connected to anyone.  The bottom line is that I am not into playing this game any longer.  This is my life too and like I said before, I matter.  That is how I see it and that is exactly what I think about the announcement on being bi.  I mean honestly, "good for you husband, but every word you say, doubt you cast, flirt you extend towards others, removes something important between us....the level of commitment I feel for you."  Once that is gone, once I no longer care, there is no turning back.  As a matter of fact, "thank you for this opportunity for me to take that information and use it towards sorting out what I want out of life."   

 

August 18, 2018 1:53 pm  #6


Re: What A Surprise, He is not Gay but Bisexual

Love that quote Detour

 

August 18, 2018 5:33 pm  #7


Re: What A Surprise, He is not Gay but Bisexual

kel, duped, lynne, detour, scrupulous, 

Thank you all straight sisters, every time I read your posts, I get stronger and stronger. I also save $150 an hour with counseling sessions. It has now been 7 months since I discovered TGT. First few months I was in complete shock, then I kept trying to figure out how can I fix this. Then I realized I can't fix it. Some days I am OK, then other days, I am a complete mess, crying. Some days FEAR rules me, with all the "what ifs?" I want to STOP loving him and caring about him, but I can't but I think just maybe now I can love and care for myself more than him, so maybe that is progress. 

So this week I have an action plan, getting all the financial information I need and getting papers together. I am done with this marriage, I had planned to wait until after Xmas, but I need to start my life now, at 64 years, I don't have much time left. And I also have absolutely no interest in another man, or finding someone else. I now realize I will be OK alone. I have established new friends and interests. Doing volunteer work.  He acts like he has done nothing wrong, now that he is completely honest, he is "just bisexual, no big deal, I love you,  we have 44 years together I want to spend my life with you, we are a great team, what's so important about sex anyway, no one will ever love you as much as I do." I have to get him out of the house, I can't stand it any longer.......

Thanks so much for listening to me, I wish I could give you all a hug......

Violated

     Thread Starter
 

August 18, 2018 9:58 pm  #8


Re: What A Surprise, He is not Gay but Bisexual

detour wrote:

Bi is an excuse...a way to cast a shadow over a marriage that should reflect both people being in it at 100%.   

 

Yes!
 


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

August 19, 2018 4:49 pm  #9


Re: What A Surprise, He is not Gay but Bisexual

detour wrote:

In my humble opinion, the translation to the "I'm bisexual but will never act on this" statement, well, this equals..."I do not care if I am hurting you, this is all about me, seriously, you are not my everything, behind your back I am looking at men, working to fit into this newfound identity.  This is my excuse for never really being present with you, but instead looking past you and not fully appreciating your voice, your heart, your love or place in my life."  There comes a point, however, that this can no longer be about them, who they are attracted to, if they are with us or not, there comes a point to where we must take full responsibility for ourselves and our path forward.  I mean, look at how much time we are fretting over this issue...we are placing someone else's confusion under a microscope, looking for a truth that may always be on the other side of what is in view. 
One day I woke up, announced to my H (declaring that he owns his own baggage and that I was no longer carrying that weight for him) and decided to really get busy in therapy.  No more games, there is no time for games and time is so very precious to me...I deserve a good life filled with happy and that is what I'm aiming for. 
So here's the thing... I've changed.  I see my own value and I matter.  To be absolutely honest, I do NOT want a relationship with anyone right now.  I do not wish to fall into any sort of distraction away from finding myself.  I'm working on my self esteem, the why I have enabled just about everyone in my life to walk all over me and I'm trying new hobbies, I've adopted a new look and a new approach at everything.  Do you know what?  I've taken on the idea that I want to live today that makes yesterday jealous.  I'm working to erase an unhealthy pattern where I'm waiting for him to get his act together.  I'm done waiting, that limbo is no place to live. 
As for my H, this all goes so much deeper than an announcement on how he identifies.  I mean honestly, so what, right?  Big deal.  Bi is an excuse...a way to cast a shadow over a marriage that should reflect both people being in it at 100%.  That excuse gives them a way to play us and everyone who is effected by our relationship, including our children.  They have an excuse to check out, to be moody, make everything they do and say have a double meaning...or not...to have everything revolve around them.  That works to keep us off balance and to impose a net over us and our existence.  They fantasize while believing the grass is greener on the other side of the fence when in the end, this has more to do with their inability to get real about life and to be connected to anyone.  The bottom line is that I am not into playing this game any longer.  This is my life too and like I said before, I matter.  That is how I see it and that is exactly what I think about the announcement on being bi.  I mean honestly, "good for you husband, but every word you say, doubt you cast, flirt you extend towards others, removes something important between us....the level of commitment I feel for you."  Once that is gone, once I no longer care, there is no turning back.  As a matter of fact, "thank you for this opportunity for me to take that information and use it towards sorting out what I want out of life."   

Preach, sister!!!

 

August 21, 2018 9:48 am  #10


Re: What A Surprise, He is not Gay but Bisexual

Violated wrote:

So this week I have an action plan

I always love to hear this. It doesn't even matter what the action plan IS - the fact that there is a plan and you're motivated is awesome. I think it's a great plan though - to get your financial info in order. NEVER a bad idea, no matter the circumstances. 

I also love to hear that you've realized that you're going to be okay without him. You say "alone", but then describe new friends and interests, which is definitely not alone. But I get you. You don't feel the need to have another love interest in order to be whole.

So proud of you!

Kel
 

Last edited by Kel (August 21, 2018 9:48 am)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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