Welcome, Addie. Is it okay to care and support? Sure. Why not? We all process things differently and we all have different needs. If staying connected helps you accept this new lifestyle and helps you grieve your loss, then by all means stay connected. However, eventually that may change. It may get to a point where it just hurts too much or makes it difficult for you to move forward with your own life, and if that happens, you may have to rethink things. 

You say you are under no illusion that he will change his mind, so I don't think you are prolonging your own recovery. In fact, talking things through the way you are could help you solidify the knowledge that your husband is gay. 

Please know, though, that when he does make that emotional connection with another man you may feel differently, and it is okay for you to change the rules at that point if you need to.

Bottom line.... take care of your own heart. Do what you need to do in order to protect it.

Stay strong.

Hi addie01, 

Welcome to our group.  I'm sorry for what you are going through right now.  It's awful and nobody deserves this pain. 

Great advice given so far..  Do what you feel comfortable with.  If you feel better offering him compassion and care and helping him, then do that.  If at some point you no longer feel better doing that, then stop.  You don't owe him anything at all.  

Since you are still undecided about your future, it's very hard to give you advice on whether your continued relationship is prolonging your healing.  If you know already that you'll divorce and move apart, then I would say the sooner you do that, the sooner you will heal and move through the storm.  But you might very well chose to remain in a mixed orientation / open marriage and if you do, the honesty he is giving you now and the care you are giving him now will go a long way to help you remain on good terms.  

At this point I would give you the most generic and simple advice..  Be kind to yourself.  Do what makes you feel best.  If caring for him makes you feel good, then do it...  for you!    If that changes and it starts to be uncomfortable then change and do it for you.  You don't owe him anything..  he didn't just accidentally discover out of the clear blue that he is interested in men.  That's a secret he has kept from you and that is not kind and caring on his part.  

Abby wrote:

 His struggle is not yours to nurture him through.

This....is one of the most important and defining statements. I am 18 months into my partner saying he wanted to explore his bisexual side. I wish I hadn't become so emotional & depressed about the way he changed the dynamic of our 32 year partnership....but that, I see now, was unavoidable, and the tears, recriminations & arguments are all part of the journey to get through to the other side. Don't expect your husband to be the one you depend on for answers, within your relationship of 2...start seeing yourself as the stronger 1, the person worth relying on. Let him make sense of his own life.  And try not to carry all this inside yourself, you need a confidante. A doctor, counselor, good friend, family member. I see you've already told your children. I (alone) told mine too, but nobody talks about it to him, which now makes it a secret we're all keeping. It's a bit,,,stupid, crazy..

This is so new that your head will take a while to catch up. Then your heart will follow. 
You're in the best place

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (August 16, 2018 2:51 pm)

I meant to get a comment in this morning but I somehow lost the  thread and thought you'd deleted your initial comment.  I've been traveling all day, and now I see that others have weighed in, with some good advice and perspective.
  I'd like to add one more.  Think of me as "the wicked witch of the West" weighing in.  I think your impulse to care for him is misplaced.  You need to care for you, and caring for yourself by caring for him might indeed make you feel better, but it also might make you hurt later in the end.  You seem to be extremely trusting--of his story, of his motivations, of his actions, of his intentions.  But I worry that you are reading him through your own set of values and your character.   Undoubtedly he's happy to have you keep caring for him; it eases his guilt over deceiving you and hurting you and continuing to benefit from your care and love.   No doubt he's quite happy for you to want to be kind to him; what's the downside for him?  He gets to go out and fuck men (because that's what "explore" really means, and I'd take what he tells you about his connections and dates with a grain of salt the size of Gibralter) while you stay at home knowing what he's up to and buck yourself up by saying you're caring for him and helping him.  What I've seen on this forum is that when we're all reeling and hurt and desperate and in shock, facing the reality of what the disclosure or our discovery means for our marriage and our own future, we are desperate to remain relevant, and part of the way we can do this is by casting ourselves as "supportive" and "helpful."  It's useful to consider how "supportive" and "helpful" our spouses have been in return.  And it's necessary at some point to stop using our caring to support a partner who has withdrawn their love and affection and is looking to transfer it to someone else, and to care for and support ourselves.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 16, 2018 5:17 pm)