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August 14, 2018 2:57 pm  #1


How to survive and navigate separation?

I’m having such a hard time navigating separation.  I’m so tired of him making me feel like I made this choice. He said we both share blame in the separation.  I made the choice not to be in what would become a pseudo lesbian relationship (he’s gender dysphoric).  How do you navigate separation?  I’m struggling with him so much right now.  He turned into a bad husband over the course of the last 19 months when he was in sex therapy for porn and masturbation addiction.  He’s also always been a mediocre Dad at best (we have 4 kids).  I want to allow him time with his kids just not to stir the pot but he keeps taking the kids on the weekend.  I’m frustrated because I’m dealing with every day to day things with them including school, I want to enjoy downtime too.  What is fair when it comes to time with them?  Only 1 of them ever spends the night but he brings him home at 7am on Saturday so my husband can ride his bike.

I’m currently still in our house but unfortunately it’s going to have to be sold so add that to my already stressful situation.  Not to mention the fact I have 1 child on the autism spectrum about to start 9th grade.  A second child with such severe anxiety she won’t go to school so now I’m left with homeschooling her.  My oldest who identifies as a gay atheist who also has anxiety and refuses to leave the house for fear of us selling it suddenly.  Oh yes and a husband I’m separated from who seriously said “what problems?” when I told him he couldn’t tell the kids right now about himself because of their problems.

How do you deal with someone who has changed so much so quickly?  Everything is about him and what he wants and what is easy for him.  We drew up a separation agreement but it hasn’t been signed yet and won’t be until I talk to a lawyer.  Right now everything is 50/50 in the agreement.  Is that fair?  I’ve been a stay at home mom for 17 years and have supported him in all his career ventures.  What if my kids don’t want to be a part of his new life?  I feel so lost.  I’ve been an us for 21 years and now I’m not.  Just when I feel like I’m getting my strength back I get the wind knocked out of me again by something he says or does.  It’s going to be a long year of separation.

 

August 14, 2018 3:19 pm  #2


Re: How to survive and navigate separation?

Hi KitKat, 

Welcome to our group.  I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this awful situation.  

You've asked a lot of great questions and you'll get lots of great advice from our group.  

I think the best advice I can give you is something general in nature about your relationship.  I think you are still interacting with him as though he is your permanent partner.  When you get married you learn to interact with your spouse in a way that is influenced by the permanence of your relationship.  You control your actions and words knowing that their impact will have repercussions in the future.  You are more kind and more understanding and loving and flexible and agreeable than you might be otherwise.. because you have a permanent relationship to maintain.  I think you are still treating him this way.  It's normal because that's been your normal and because you are still kind and compassionate and you still love him.  
It's time to change your perspective on your spouse.  This person has decided to change into a new/different person.  He is no longer a permanent part of your life.  You no longer need to please him, be kind to him, be flexible and accommodating for him because there is no longer a permanent relationship to protect.  Sure you might see him and have to interact with him for a while longer because he is the father of your children, but his opinion of you and feelings about you no longer matter.  
Time to stop thinking of him as your husband and start thinking of him as your ex-husband.  I know that isn't official yet legally, but for all intents it is over.  Trust me.. he isn't considering you as a permanent life partner and caring about how you feel, so it's time you start putting yourself first. 

It's hard.. but I would encourage you to stop caring about how he feels and put your foot down.  Establish boundaries and behaviors that you require and hold him to it.  Don't back down.  Don't be afraid to stir the pot.  You deserve a few weekdays off from time to time and if he wants to be a father he needs to step up and be a father.  You deserve a few weekends with the kids if you want to have special time with them.  

Ask your lawyer about what is fair vs. what you could be given if you pushed for it.  It's different in each state, though in most places 50/50 is the norm.  You get 50% of the assets and 50% of the debts.  He is going to have to pay you alimony and child support.. talk to you lawyer about how much you can/should get.  

Don't force your kids to accept or be part of something they are uncomfortable with.  If he wants to be part of their lives he will find a way to make them comfortable.. because that's what we do when we love our kids.  

The sooner you can get him out of the house and not have to see him everyday, the better it will be for you.  I hope that can happen soon. 

You have a long road ahead..  please stick around and share your journey with us.  We are here to help you each step of the way.  


 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

August 15, 2018 4:44 am  #3


Re: How to survive and navigate separation?

Kit Kat,

Ditto what phoenix says.  Sounds like he's out of the house already though?
I think you need a lawyer..yes a lawyer can review the settlement, and with a list of all assets, accounts, debts can help you get the best alimony you are entitled to..  More importantly from reading your story..a lawyer can help you figure out what is best legally for your kid situation...which also ties into your alimony. 

One reason I stayed with my then raging GX was I would never see my kids again if I left.  You want a legal parenting arrangement..put in there when you want the kids home by.  As your seeing he does not care about you..is already treating you as an ex..you cannot trust or rely on him to do what is best for the kids.  Those kids need a strong sane parent that puts them first.

It is good to get the gay spouse out of the house..one gets away from hurt and abuse.   But I found the hurt extends beyond physical boundaries..the hurt of a gay narcissist knows no bounds..a lawyer is needed to protect yourself and the kids.  I would find the best lawyer and draw a line in sand..  I stuck up for myself and the kids.. A little late but line nonetheless. 

Stay strong..fierce real love for the kids that he is incapable of comprehending.

Last edited by Rob (August 15, 2018 4:45 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 15, 2018 4:06 pm  #4


Re: How to survive and navigate separation?

Kit Kat,
Recognize that you have already taken a huge step in reaching out to the group.  There’s a lot of experience here. I’m new to the site and early in my journey but I have appreciated having a safe place to share and read from others experiences.  My wife just told me she wanted a divorce on the 1st of the month.  I’m just starting to open up to friends friends and family what I have been carrying inside for so long.  Most people in my life don’t know what to say.  My experience with the forum is that most of us can relate to one part of each of our individual journeys.  Hang in there.  My kids have keep me going, and I’m learning that I don’t have to live for my spouses needs, which yes, many of us have discovered became more and more about them, but now I/we can start finding who I am again.  It may seem alien after so long but it’s also a perfectly healthy and appropriate step to take.


“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” 
 

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