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August 8, 2018 3:28 pm  #11

Re: Was it really just a phase??

Rosie, I’m sorry you find yourself here, truly.

Phoenix and Daryl are being very kind and gentle with you, because they are both kind gentlemen, but they too are trying to get you to see the reality here.

I’m sorry but your bf is gay, he is doing everything our gay in denial partners have done:

Minimising (sex with men caused by a stressful job, it’s not what he wants now)
Deflecting (getting angry when you speak the truth, blaming other reasons for his gay sex)
Denying (homophobia, shame, saying that’s all in the past)
Gaslighting (asking you to believe a different reality, he had sex with men because he wanted to, but wants you to believe it was because he was lonely or stressed)

I’m afraid most of us have heard exactly the same.

None of us straights here would turn to gay sex through loneliness or stress, no way!

Your bf has only been dating women for the last 3 years, he has had multiple gay experiences, he deeply wants to be straight, he’s ashamed of his gay needs, he wants children....that is a recipe for the closet.

I’m sorry, and it may be that you need to come to this conclusion over time or at your own pace but my advice is to run, do not shackle yourself to a life with a gay man, there are so many horror stories here to show you how this turns out.

In the meantime please get yourself STD tested and don’t be absolutely sure there’s no porn or cheating whatever he says.

Last edited by Duped (August 8, 2018 3:31 pm)


August 8, 2018 3:29 pm  #12

Re: Was it really just a phase??

Also read through Sean’s thread in this section.


August 8, 2018 6:54 pm  #13

Re: Was it really just a phase??

We had a better talk about it. He says he gets angry because he has a lot of regrets about his career not turning out as he imagined which i know he struggles with and its been another regret for him being with men. He had an experimental experience when he was young with a friend and acted that out as an adult years later but felt disappointed by the experience and decided it wasn't for him. He has enjoyed dominating porn with women and strap ons since that time. But he can't explain anymore as to how the entire fantasy just switched off. He compared it to how as a child he just decided one day he didn't need his security blanket anymore or how that day he decided to stop tobacco and he did. He did however suggest couples therapy together...

     Thread Starter

August 8, 2018 8:40 pm  #14

Re: Was it really just a phase??

Duped wrote:

Also read through Sean’s thread in this section.

I couldn't find it sorry. Do you know what the title of the thread is?

Thanks for your help

     Thread Starter

August 8, 2018 9:52 pm  #15

Re: Was it really just a phase??

Another update sorry!
He had another interesting response during our big ongoing talk:
"I know you’re scared and worried. I’m not attracted to men I’ve told you that. I don’t walk down the street and think wow that’s a good looking guy. I was a bit confused when I was younger and I got through it. Think about this though....
you’re coming from the point of me thinking I’m straight but I might actually be bi or gay.
What if I thought I was bi before but realized that I’m actually straight".

I wonder if anyone else had had this experience?

     Thread Starter

August 8, 2018 10:18 pm  #16

Re: Was it really just a phase??

Hi Rosie,

he sounds like he wants to be dominated by a man.  In gay talk that makes him a bottom.

ask yourself what you want.

all the best, Lily


August 9, 2018 2:54 am  #17

Re: Was it really just a phase??

I’m sorry Rosie but that added information is pretty much what I heard from my crossdressing strapon-loving, transexual loving ex. He also claimed not to be attracted to men, he still does, but I don’t believe him. He doesn’t need to admit it for me to know.

For what it’s worth I think your partner is repressing or lying that this has gone away.

I think you’re buying into all his excuses for his gay experiences. Remember people do what people want to do, he wasn’t forced to do gay sex repeatedly.


August 9, 2018 5:22 am  #18

Re: Was it really just a phase??

Sean's thread is in this "Is He/She Gay" section, and it's called "A Gay Ex-Husband Answers Your Questions." 


August 9, 2018 11:32 pm  #19

Re: Was it really just a phase??


I normally don't post much anymore but your story is troubling.. 

I just wanted to throw a couple view points out there from a straight male and as someone who was discarded decades later;

As a straight male I would never act like or  pretend that being attracted to men is some normal or casual thing I could do. Straight guys just don't do that and talk that way about it.  We would never say we were bi and changed our mind..

It could be a stressful marriage for he meeting a buddy for a beer or is it a date?  If he's on travel with some guys is he having sex? Why should you have to wonder..  The stress can eat you up.

My strong fierce love for my now ex could not fix her or keep her faithful..even after decades of friendship and life together.  She was willing to throw everything away..the entire life we built, wedding vows, our home..all to be with a women she knew only a short time.

His honesty is admirable and his love of you now may be strong.  But you have seen yourself..there are no take backs when someone has a same sex can't unsay it..

Sincere wishes of strength and wisdom..

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

August 10, 2018 10:24 am  #20

Re: Was it really just a phase??

Thank you for all of your help and suggestions.
It's definitely something I have to think about. I do love him very much and I do appreciate his honesty and commitment to couples therapy so I think I will like to attend some therapy sessions before we do anything else and see where that takes us.  

     Thread Starter

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