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August 8, 2018 9:54 am  #1


Was it really just a phase??

Hi everyone! I am new to the forum and was so glad to see a supportive group that I can discuss things with.

My partner and I are very serious and are thinking of getting married next year but lately I have been concerned about his feelings toward his past experiences. 
Not long into our relationship when he was quite drunk he told me he had previously had sex with men.
We spoke a little more about this but it never got too far because he always gets angry and defensive when I want to ask questions about it. 
Naturally at first I was a little concerned about whether he was still interested in men but he assured me he was only ever interested in having sex with men but would never date a man. Recently when I have tried to speak to him about it he said he had not done it in a few years. He says he is sexually attracted to women and only wants to marry and have children with a woman. He is VERY ashamed of his past and is constantly paranoid about family and friends finding out about his past. He believes as he works a very stressful and demanding job that it was his way to relax as he could be dominated and not be in control for a change. 

I really love him but deep down I am worried about how angry and ashamed he is. He gets very angry especially when drunk- if anything about sexuality is spoken about or a guy jokingly acts flirty he will become disgusted and offended. He says he no longer has any desire to have sex with men and that he doesn't want to speak about it ever again because it was just a phase. He says he wants to just forget his past because he is so ashamed. I want to respect his wishes but I feel it is something we need to work through. 


Thanks in advance [img]http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/love.png[/img]

 

August 8, 2018 10:19 am  #2


Re: Was it really just a phase??

Some things that might be important to add:

He had a decent experience over the years including 3 somes (all male) but has never dated a man and has only had sex with women for the past 3+ years.
Our sex life is good.
Once we met and fell in love he said he felt he didn't need BDSM or dominating sex anymore.
He was away for work a lot in a very high stress job through his 20s and said he struggled to meet people and settle down because he would be on the road so much.
He was in a long term relationship with a woman who left once he opened up about his past.
 

Last edited by Rosie885 (August 8, 2018 10:40 am)

     Thread Starter
 

August 8, 2018 11:02 am  #3


Re: Was it really just a phase??

Hi Rosie, 
Welcome to our forum.  i'm glad you found us and shared your situation and questions. 

There is no "for sure" with any of this because every human being is different.   It is entirely possible that your partner is Bisexual and enjoys both men and women.  Or it's possible that he was gay at one point and is now into women only.   BUT..  that is not the experience of most of the people in this forum.   For most of us, our spouses lied to us about their sexuality because they didn't want to be gay.  They didn't want the world to see them as gay.  So they try to find a woman or man to marry them.  They try to be straight and live a "normal" life.  But most of us are here because we found out that they couldn't make that change permanently.  We either caught them cheating or they found a gay/lesbian partner and left us for them.  

In my experience and opinion, sexual attraction is not a choice.. it's something a person is born with.  That means that no matter how hard they try they can't be attracted to the opposite sex.  They might have hetero sex, and early on it's exciting just because it's sex, but it won't be completely fulfilling and over time it will languish and go away.  

Rosie, 
Are you willing to take this risk?   Do you love him enough that you can trust him to be true to you for the rest of your life?  Are you willing to risk a sexless marriage?   Are you open to him being with men on the side and having an open marriage or having 3-somes or other adventures?  Do you really believe that he is no longer attracted to men?  Do you feel his angry reactions are evidence that this is something he is comfortable with in his life or is it perhaps a topic that is still burning inside of him. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

August 8, 2018 11:10 am  #4


Re: Was it really just a phase??

Hi Phoenix thanks for your reply!

I have been reading a few posts and it does seem that the majority of situations are not good...
I am very worried as I have just moved my life to be with him and considering marriage is another huge step.
He was cheated on my his ex girlfriend and feels very strongly against cheating as it left him very hurt but it is a very real concern of mine whether he will still feel satisfied another 5,10 or 30 years from now..
I am very confused as he is very turned on by me and i know he watches lesbian porn etc and saying that he hasn't done it in years makes it all the more interesting.

When we first got together he was quite honest and mentioned his like of BDSM and I was very open to that. It was interesting how once we fell in love he hasn't been interested in that anymore. Not even with porn. Any ideas why that might be?
 

     Thread Starter
 

August 8, 2018 11:29 am  #5


Re: Was it really just a phase??

Rosie885 wrote:

When we first got together he was quite honest and mentioned his like of BDSM and I was very open to that. It was interesting how once we fell in love he hasn't been interested in that anymore. Not even with porn. Any ideas why that might be?
 

Was he quite honest about BDSM only or was he also honest about being with guys?  Seems like that's the bigger secret sexual intrigue and something that if he was truly honest he would have talked about.  If you only found out about the gay thing by an accidental drunk incident then this would be a big red flag to me. 

I don't know much about BDSM.. not my thing.  But you mentioned earlier that it had to do with being submissive.. which is probably mimicking his role with another guy.. ??   I wonder if he thought that would be enough to satisfy his urges, but has found out that it is not and now no longer asks for it?   I really don't know.. just hazarding a guess at this point. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

August 8, 2018 11:34 am  #6


Re: Was it really just a phase??

He spoke about his sexual experiences with men when he was sober and mentioned it was a power BDSM thing that he searched for when he was with them. I don't find him feminine in any way. I should mention we didnt even try BDSM he just told me that he didn't feel like he needed it or was interested in that form of sex anymore.

Most people here seem to have found out afterwards by accident so I'm not sure what it means to be told of it happening in the past in the early stages of dating. I am thankful he told me I'm stuck between fearing all these difficult situations many other have faced or missing out on a fantastic guy who was telling the truth... I guess I need to explain all this to him before we commit to anything more.

Last edited by Rosie885 (August 8, 2018 11:37 am)

     Thread Starter
 

August 8, 2018 12:09 pm  #7


Re: Was it really just a phase??

You are right about being unique in that he told you everything in advance.  That is a good sign.  You should also keep in mind that most of here were burned badly and hurt severely, so we tend to form our own opinions based on those very hurtful prior experiences and we tend to be very mistrusting of those who display similar traits of our ex's.  

I think you are on the right page about talking with him further.  If he truly loves you he needs to be 100% honest with you.  He needs to care about you more than himself and be willing to let you go if he thinks there is a likelihood that his former attraction to men would cause issues in the future.    I say this often about my ex..  "If she really loved me she would not have married me because she knew in her heart that she wasn't attracted to me.  It was very unfair of her to hold my life ransom on the chance that she might be able to overcome her lesbianism".    


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

August 8, 2018 12:22 pm  #8


Re: Was it really just a phase??

Thank you very much for your help.
I have written a long letter which I know will break his heart to know how I am feeling but I need to do it.
I will keep you posted.

<3 Rosie

     Thread Starter
 

August 8, 2018 1:04 pm  #9


Re: Was it really just a phase??

Please do..  and stay tuned for more people to chime in.  I didn't mean to dominate the conversation..  There are lots of us on the forum with different perspectives and amazing advice..   pop back in and let us know how things go and see what other folks here have to offer. 
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

August 8, 2018 2:45 pm  #10


Re: Was it really just a phase??

The anger is a bit worrisome. The 'angry drunk' can be a sign of something that needs professional therapy. A few people here have seen a spouse travel the substance route, perhaps as an escape from their unresolved sexuality issues or secret life on the down-low? If he is truly past all that, why the strong reaction, especially with someone who he should be open and trusting with?

I would also say that in my humble opinion, work stress and travel does not make one experiment with other men unless you have this interest to begin with. If domination and control was really the issue, he could have easily found a female dominatrix whom he could have surrendered his will to.

I fear you are being asked to risk all with someone who is unwillingly to talk about it, even to a professional therapist. Large elephants in the room eventually get noticed.

Be well!

Last edited by Daryl (August 8, 2018 2:46 pm)

 

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