First of all I would say bravo on knowing what your definition of marriage is.

I would say tell them, maybe not every detail but silence may be misinterpreted as guilt over something. Also you have kids who may not be quite as silent. Maybe it's enough to say that there's currently some serious incompatibilities and goal differentials which you doubt can be resolved? This way if it comes to divorce, it won't be quite the "out of nowhere" surprise. Don't let anyone think they need to charge to the rescue and call your spouse. Keep the option to really divulge the whole situation to anyone in the family that you think can handle it or that you always never kept any secrets from.

I'd be more concerned about how the kids are handling it. Seems like one doesn't want to witness the situation and maybe get involved in a "pick me" kind of dance. The other is looking inward and thinking they are either part of the cause or the solution. With the week you have before the kids come back maybe you can spend some time talking about this? Not about the whole wanting to date or divorce thing but about setting some boundaries while you still live under the same roof. Later, discuss what's going on with the kids, both of you together with age-appropriate honesty. I hope your spouse is mature enough to know that you need to model the behaviour you expect the kids to adopt.

Good luck with all this. Others here have also navigated this so I expect you will see a few more helpful ideas.
 

BHW,
   My heart goes out to you in your grieving.  Yes, it's hard.  It's so very hard.  When you're around your family and other couples, you think about what you no longer have or have to look forward to--the family you were working so hard for, old age and retirement--all of it.  Yesterday in a parking lot I saw a grandfather playing "big step, little step" with his granddaughter and taking such joy in it, and I thought how I would never be able to see my stbx playing with his granddaughter and take joy in it--that future is closed off to me now that we're divorcing.  
   But time, distance, and effort does heal us, and you are doing well.  You realize that the wife you miss isn't the wife you have, so you are countering the negative messages with a dose of the real.   Take that vision of your 10 year old crying for Mommy and chalk it up onto the board on which you keep the reasons why it is your wife who is in the wrong and not you.  Her actions and her affair are the reason your daughter was crying last night.  Your wife can blame-shift all she wants, but it doesn't change the reality: her actions led to this consequence.  I think it's entirely ok to say to your daughter, "I miss Mommy, too. But she can't be with us.  You'll see Mommy after our visit, but right now, let's have fun with Grandma and Grandpa and your cousins." And if there's a concrete task for her to do, or an activity to join in, suggest that.  At some point in the future, the "Mommy broke a promise to Daddy and now we can't live together" might be appropriate (she broke her promise to be faithful, and she altered the terms of your marriage contract when she revealed she is gay).
   I hope you will decide to tell your family, who will support you now while you are hurting.  There's a risk, of course, that someone will pressure you to try to "work it out for the kids" and that will undermine your confidence, and if that happens remember this gem: "You don't stay for the kids; you leave for the kids." But it's more likely that they will rally around you with offers of help and reassure you that you are loved, which helps a whole lot at a time when you've been discarded with the double hit of not only being cheated on but with a woman.  Plus telling your family now removes the possibility of pressure your wife might put on you to stay in the closet, so she can have her family and cheat on it, too.
  It's hard, and the hits (like seeing others, and missing your imagined future altered) keep coming, and for a while. But you will adjust and even thrive. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 7, 2018 4:06 am)

walkbymyself wrote:

.....I would strongly advise against keeping secrets from the kids, although you do need to find an age-appropriate way to talk them through it.  I would also strongly advise against telling them things and then telling them it's a big secret they're not allowed to talk about. ....

 

This is good advice. Secrets damage relationships.
 

I think that sharing that news with a councilor present is a good idea in theory, but in practice it might not be helpful. 

My sons were 10 and 7 when we shared the news.  My ex wanted to keep it all a secret as long as possible but it didn't work out so we sat them down on the living room floor and told them we were going to get a divorce.  She still wouldn't allow the truth to be told.. she just said "We don't love each other the same way anymore".   I told them that it wasn't my choice or my desire but I didn't say what the exact reason was because I didn't want to piss her off and risk blowing up our peace treaty and jeopardizing an amicable divorce. 
It was the worst 15 minutes of my life. 
But my kids took it really well.. they asked a few questions, cried a little because they saw me emotional.  But at that age I don't think reality sets in right away.  It's a shock to them and they don't understand it fully.  When we were done they went to their room for a few minutes and then were playing video games a few minutes after that.   It took months for them to process and understand how things impacted them.  

This is why I say that having a councilor present is a good idea, but your kids won't be immediately ready to ask deep questions and analyze their feelings.  The councilor appointments should be spread out over the next year so that they can slowly unpack their internal feelings and emotions. 

If you can find a councilor who they already know and have a relationship with that would be amazingly helpful.  Kids take some time to open up and trust someone, so it would be great to have a pastor who they already know to help them. 

Some tips for talking to your kids.. 
1.)  Tell them first and foremost that this is not their fault.  Repeat it often!  "It's not your fault.  There is nothing you did or could have done to cause this and there is nothing you can do to change this going forward.  This is totally and completely an issue between your parents.  It's not your fault!".   Repeat this over and over in the coming months.  You have to pound this into their minds.   
2.)  Kids are primarily worried about what will happen to them.   Sounds selfish to say that, but that's normal and natural for a kid and it's not a bad thing.  So, to minimize the stress of the situation you need to do you best to be able to explain to them how this decision will impact their lives.   Even if this changes later.. having a plan you can share with them will provide great comfort.  Do you best to minimize impacts on them.   My ex and I had already figured out that we would be splitting time 50/50, so we were able to tell them that they would remain in their existing house with Dad half the time and then they would go to a new house with Mom half the time.  They would still have all of their toys, games and friends.  They would have duplicates of some things in each home (clothing for example).  They stay in the same school, keep all of their friends and relationships, etc..   This was a huge comfort to my kids.   If you and your wife and work through some of these topics and be able to share this with the kids that would be a huge help to them as well. 
3.)  Mommy and Daddy both love you 100% and always will.  The change is only between Mommy and Daddy, but each of us love you both completely and permanently.  Our relationship with each of you will not change at all.  We will just spend time with you separately. 

If you can communicate these three things clearly and confidently it will eliminate most of the stress that your kids will face.  It's still not easy on them, and every kid is different and experiences life and challenges in different ways, but this should help a ton. 


Some take-aways from my experience:
My ex wouldn't tell them why we were getting a divorce.  She wanted them to just "figure it out on their own" later when they saw mommy with another mommy.  We had negotiated a fair agreement for our divorce, but things were tenuous and I feared that if she got emotionally unstable (which wasn't a stretch) that she would get angry and hire an attorney and scorch the earth.  So I was very careful to keep the peace until the legal stuff was done.   The day after the divorce went final (my ex was travelling for work) I sat my kids down in the living room and told them the truth of the situation.  I kept it age appropriate but was very honest.. (Mommy had an affair with her friend, they are having sex outside marriage, violating our religious and moral boundaries, lying to everyone, etc..).  I didn't say outright that she was a bad person.  I didn't call her names or trash her, but I gave them the honest truth about what happened and said that she had made some bad choices.  Basically I was completely honest with them because I felt they deserved the truth.  Two things happened..  First - my relationship with my sons became so much stronger.. immediately.  They knew and continue to know that I am the rock in their life.  They know I'm honest and truthful with them and I'm the moral foundation of their lives.  Second - my ex got so pissed!!!!   I texted her immediately afterwards and let her know that I had told them the truth.  She was beyond mad at me.. and I didn't care one bit.   She remained in my house for another month because she hadn't found a home yet and I don't think she said more than a few words to me the entire time.  It was good because I needed to start to emotionally separate from her.  

2 years later..  My relationship with my sons is much stronger than it ever was before.  I was a 50% parent - 100% of the time.. sharing the physical and emotional care duties with my ex.  We parented as a unit.  Now I'm a 100% parent 50% of the time.  The depth of my emotional relationship with my sons is so much stronger than it was previously.  They know who I am, what I went through and how much I love them and support them.  They know that they come first in my life.  They can spend time with their mother and they still love her, but they know that I'm the rock  in their life.  They can always depend on me.  That's something that will carry on for the rest of my life. 

In summary..  Be the honest parent because you are the honest parent.  You're relationship with your wife will wither and pass away, but your relationship with your kids will strengthen and blossom and grow and will be a huge blessing in your life and theirs.