OurPath Open Forum
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1 - Violated
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I Don't Want to be A Straight Spouse
Do any of you reach a point where you no longer what to view yourself as a Straight Spouse? I know I have to accept the reality that my husband is gay. I do. I get it that I have to deal with the anger, the betrayal, the deceit. I recently told my therapist that being a straight spouse is Not going to be a major chapter in my life, it is not going to be who I am. I told him I can accept the fact that my husband is gay, but I don't want the identity of a straight spouse. He basically told me, it is a major chapter in my life and I have to deal with the pain, I have to go thru it.
Please don't misunderstand me, I am so grateful for you all. I appreciate the straight spouse support sisterhood. BUT....... I am hoping maybe the "Straight Spouse" is just a major headline in my life for now, but with time it will become just a footnote.
- Steve
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Re: I Don't Want to be A Straight Spouse
I understand what you are saying. None of us need to let this experience define us. We have to be careful that we don’t remain in a state of victimhood. If you feel the term prevents you from moving on you certainly don’t need to subscribe to it. Some people need to leave the whole experience behind them ASAP.
In spite of being well past the experience I still call myself a ‘straight spouse’ because I feel it makes me collegiate with the many, many friends I made on the Straight Spouse Network. We all deal with TGT in different ways 
You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I Don't Want to be A Straight Spouse
Because the only place I'm a straightspouse is on this site...it has yet to define me.
The only people who see and refer to me as a straightspouse are you lot
The Straightspouse conversation is not an easy one to have with people outside this forum.
I've used the term straightspouse 4 times comfortably....because it's....comfortable using it here.
Not so 'out there'
KIA KAHA
- Lynne
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Re: I Don't Want to be A Straight Spouse
Deleted.
Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 6:12 pm)
- Abby
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Re: I Don't Want to be A Straight Spouse
I'm not a "straight spouse" but a "straight ex-spouse". I'm loving that "ex" part. Being straight is a core part of my identity and I'm out and proud. I don't want anyone thinking I'm willing to be in someone's closet ever again.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: I Don't Want to be A Straight Spouse
That's beautiful, Abby!
The final straw for me was when my stbx scoffed at heterosexual marriages as if they were out of date and pathetic, so I like your claim that you're "out and proud."
- walkbymyself
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Re: I Don't Want to be A Straight Spouse
I used to be bisexual -- now I'm asexual, which is what happens after two decades of being rejected sexually.
That's why I have so much contempt for those who use "bisexual" to excuse what they're doing. I had a few monogamous, long-term relationships with women when I was young and single, and I also had a few monogamous, long-term relationships with men. And, once I married, I kept my promise of fidelity. I call BS on anyone who claims "I get a free pass to cheat because I'm bisexual" in much the same way I call BS on anyone who claims "I'm bi so that means I didn't actually deceive you when I married you -- I really am attracted to women, I'm just infinitely more attracted to men and I have a deeply selective form of ED that makes it impossible for me to perform with women but still leaves me able to perform with men."
That is NOT what bisexual means. It doesn't mean "swinger" or "likely candidate for a three-way."
- Philly
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Re: I Don't Want to be A Straight Spouse
I think a 'Spouse' remain a spouse whether 'Straight' is added to it or not as long as the person in still in the marriage, until divorce is consummated. Unfortunately, the reality needs to be accepted or rejected. The best for me is to carefully take a calculated decision prayerfully, accept the reality, deal with it and move on.. life is too short to remain on a spot for too long and remain unhappy. I think the identity of a 'Spouse' without adding 'Straight' is enough to avoid making someone to continue to recall the pain and the terrible feeling that comes with it. What is important is to take a call and follow-through. If it works great, if not you evaluate and go back to the drawing board. I have taken the call to give the MOM a try.
- Lisa Emelsee
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Re: I Don't Want to be A Straight Spouse
walkbymyself wrote:
I used to be bisexual -- now I'm asexual, which is what happens after two decades of being rejected sexually.
That's why I have so much contempt for those who use "bisexual" to excuse what they're doing. I had a few monogamous, long-term relationships with women when I was young and single, and I also had a few monogamous, long-term relationships with men. And, once I married, I kept my promise of fidelity. I call BS on anyone who claims "I get a free pass to cheat because I'm bisexual" in much the same way I call BS on anyone who claims "I'm bi so that means I didn't actually deceive you when I married you -- I really am attracted to women, I'm just infinitely more attracted to men and I have a deeply selective form of ED that makes it impossible for me to perform with women but still leaves me able to perform with men."
That is NOT what bisexual means. It doesn't mean "swinger" or "likely candidate for a three-way."
I am married 7 years and only a month post disclosure and we are taking it real slow as well. I have handled this rather well and I'm not sure if it's just because of my past 3 years of fighting for my life physically and given me some sort of "take it as it comes" attitude. I realize that there is no way I can fight my DBH into being straight so I'm willing to work with it. However, the one thing that sits in the pit of my stomach is that it is clear to me and to him that he is more sexually excited by men. He will never look at me with that passion I finally got to see, that he has for men. It saddened me so much. I am missing something that I never thought I didnt have. That's what I need to move past.
Have ya'll had a similar experience?
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I Don't Want to be A Straight Spouse
He will never look at me with that passion I finally got to see, that he has for men. It saddened me so much. I am missing something that I never thought I didnt have. That's what I need to move past.
Have ya'll had a similar experience?
Yip....I have. The passion I thought was for me....the sweaty back, the overly-moist mouth, the probing tongue,
the toys, the lingerie....it's all ceased to have meaning that's intimately mine
KIA KAHA