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August 1, 2018 3:43 am  #1


Bi husband wants our marriage to work

Just joined this group. I can’t sleep. So I have been doing lots  of reading. Thank you everyone for posting. Every insight/recommendation/experience is helpful. I thought that I was all alone. I actually can’t believe so many people are going through my situation or a very similar situation. So here is my story as it exists as of August 1 at 2:51 am...

Last fall after noticing that my husband had been on a gay chat website, I comfronted him. He told me that he was “a little bit gay.” I asked him to explain what he meant. He said he didn’t know how to. That that was the best he could do. So I thought maybe he just likes oral sex (for a man) and anal penetration. So I bought lots of toys, books, and videos. He seemed to enjoy these things. Our marriage continued and we had great sex. He tells me that he loves me and calls me his soulmate. Then in December 2017, he asked me about bringing some new excitement into our love life. He asked about finding a couple to be sexual with, he asked about finding a bi man or female to be sexual with, and asked about going to a swinger group. I was floored and cried and cried and cried. But since he came to me and was being honest about his desires, I said that I could try this but that I could not make any promises. I insisted that he simply did not find a bi female because I told him he had me and there would be no reason for another female to be involved.... sorry for my bluntness... I said if his penis ever went into another female, I would be gone immediately. I justified to myself that maybe if he wanted sex with a man that was different because I don’t t have a penis and that I guess I wasn’t so good at using the toys after all.

So he went on various “interviews” to find us a suitable partner. I asked him to do this without me. So he found someone who he thought was nice and good looking. The three of us spent time together and my husband and this man spent time together. Nothing sexual was done. Everyone was just getting to know everyone. Anyhow before that relationship evolved, my husband discovered that this man had lied to us and put us in danger. So the relationship ended. And my husband said he was done with all of that. That that was too much to deal with. I thought perfect. Our marriage continued. We continued to have great sex. I was still the love of his life. Now fast forward to July 2018. While on vacation, I discovered that he had been chatting on a gay website again. I confronted him. This time he told me that he was bisexual and that he was sorry hat he lied to me. He told me that he has been “interested” in males since his teens but never acted upon it due to fear. He told me that he knew he was bisexual before he married me (we have been married for 20 years) and that he is sorry that he didn’t tell me. He preceded to tell me  that he feels incomplete and is miserable (more crying on my part. If I am his soulmate, how can he feel incomplete and after 20 years of sharing our love with one another, how can he say that he is miserable?) He also told me that he wants to find a “special” friend or couple for us to enjoy. He then told me that it is not simply about sex..that he wants to have an emotional relationship with a man but not the same that he has with me (I still don’t understand that part but that hurts the most). He said he does not want to replace me. He doesn’t want a divorce. He wants to add an addition to our marriage. I cried and cried and cried and am still crying. He has been doing “interviews.” I have met a few people but so far no one has clicked with him. I told him I would try this but that I couldn’t promise anything. And at this point that I can only take it one day at a time.

So does anyone have any advice about how to make this work...if it turns out that I am ok with it... I love my husband very much. I can’t imagine growing old without him. We truly are each others’ best friends. He still calls me his soulmate and tells me that he wants to be with me forever but that he “needs” a “special” male friend, just one, so that he can feel complete. I am so confused, sad, and angry. I told him that I love him so very much that I will give it my all to make this work for him and me......but I don’t know how to.... Thank you for any suggestions.

 

August 1, 2018 10:40 am  #2


Re: Bi husband wants our marriage to work

Thank you so much for your post. What you have said makes sense and confirms my fears. Once he told me that he wanted an emotional connection with a man, it changed everything for me. I asked myself over and over if he is just bi why does he need to emotional connect with a man. I also asked myself, if he loves me and is bi, meaning he enjoys sex with me — which he seems to —- why is he insistent that he is not complete and needs a relationship with a man in order to complete himself. Should I not come first? I am still going to see if we can make things work.... I couldn’t sleep last night.... so I made a list of questions/requests/compromises that I plan on discussing with him today. I told him if he really wanted to make this work that we have to sit down and discuss things... so I guess I will see how things go. Thank you!

     Thread Starter
 

August 1, 2018 2:29 pm  #3


Re: Bi husband wants our marriage to work

Wifeofabiman wrote:

Just joined this group. I can’t sleep. So I have been doing lots of reading. Thank you everyone for posting. Every insight/recommendation/experience is helpful. I thought that I was all alone. I actually can’t believe so many people are going through my situation or a very similar situation. So here is my story as it exists as of August 1 at 2:51 am...
I think many of us come here thinking we're alone, which is all a part of the discovery....of ourselves mostly....and what depths we have to go to to find the strength to get through this

Last fall after noticing that my husband had been on a gay chat website, I comfronted him. He told me that he was “a little bit gay.” I asked him to explain what he meant. He said he didn’t know how to. That that was the best he could do. So I thought maybe he just likes oral sex (for a man) and anal penetration. So I bought lots of toys, books, and videos. He seemed to enjoy these things. Our marriage continued and we had great sex. He tells me that he loves me and calls me his soulmate. Then in December 2017, he asked me about bringing some new excitement into our love life. He asked about finding a couple to be sexual with, he asked about finding a bi man or female to be sexual with, and asked about going to a swinger group. I was floored and cried and cried and cried. But since he came to me and was being honest about his desires, I said that I could try this but that I could not make any promises. I insisted that he simply did not find a bi female because I told him he had me and there would be no reason for another female to be involved.... sorry for my bluntness... I said if his penis ever went into another female, I would be gone immediately. I justified to myself that maybe if he wanted sex with a man that was different because I don’t t have a penis and that I guess I wasn’t so good at using the toys after all. 
As much as our individual stories & situations seem to mirror each other..they're all so different in that the way through, the decisions we make and the end result means that there is no one answer for the myriad of questions we have. For myself...I would be in a totally different, worse, place than I am today if I hadn't found this website. 

So he went on various “interviews” to find us a suitable partner. I asked him to do this without me. So he found someone who he thought was nice and good looking. The three of us spent time together and my husband and this man spent time together. Nothing sexual was done. Everyone was just getting to know everyone. Anyhow before that relationship evolved, my husband discovered that this man had lied to us and put us in danger. So the relationship ended. And my husband said he was done with all of that. That that was too much to deal with. I thought perfect. Our marriage continued. We continued to have great sex. I was still the love of his life. Now fast forward to July 2018. While on vacation, I discovered that he had been chatting on a gay website again. I confronted him. This time he told me that he was bisexual and that he was sorry hat he lied to me. He told me that he has been “interested” in males since his teens but never acted upon it due to fear. He told me that he knew he was bisexual before he married me (we have been married for 20 years) and that he is sorry that he didn’t tell me. He preceded to tell me that he feels incomplete and is miserable (more crying on my part. If I am his soulmate, how can he feel incomplete and after 20 years of sharing our love with one another, how can he say that he is miserable?) He also told me that he wants to find a “special” friend or couple for us to enjoy. He then told me that it is not simply about sex..that he wants to have an emotional relationship with a man but not the same that he has with me (I still don’t understand that part but that hurts the most). He said he does not want to replace me. He doesn’t want a divorce. He wants to add an addition to our marriage. I cried and cried and cried and am still crying. He has been doing “interviews” I have met a few people but so far no one has clicked with him. I told him I would try this but that I couldn’t promise anything. And at this point that I can only take it one day at a time.
And one day at a time is the best way, at first, to tackle something this big. As an over-all view of it I see it as our partners being certain of our support but only because we've only been allowed to see the surface of their sexual thoughts, where they've convinced us this is for "us as a couple"...when in reality, underneath, they have all these fantasies & dreams, sexual urges that we're not even a part of. And the saddest part of it all (for myself especially) is that these men can compartmentalise it. The woman they love, the history they have together....and the other side of their sexual self that if it were possible...they would have as a separate accepted addition to the relationship that only they would enjoy.

So does anyone have any advice about how to make this work...if it turns out that I am ok with it... I love my husband very much. I can’t imagine growing old without him. We truly are each others’ best friends. He still calls me his soulmate and tells me that he wants to be with me forever but that he “needs” a “special” male friend, just one, so that he can feel complete. I am so confused, sad, and angry. I told him that I love him so very much that I will give it my all to make this work for him and me......but I don’t know how to.... Thank you for any suggestions
You can have a best friend and soulmate....but with the admission of a need for other people, sexually,you have to decide if you can separate your love for him and his need for another person. 
I realised that once I agreed to accepting my partners wish for bisexual exploration....our 33 years together would have no real meaning anymore, to me, and the moment I said "yes...." I would always regret it
 

 


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

August 1, 2018 9:06 pm  #4


Re: Bi husband wants our marriage to work

Thank you everyone for taking time to read my post and commenting. It all helps very much...even if it is not actually what I want to hear.

My chat didn’t go as exactly as I had hoped for but that wasn’t really surprising. Basically he is positive that he must explore the gay side of his bisexuality. I informed him that for now I will be here to support him but once any relationship he develops with anyone goes beyond friendship that I can’t make any promises. Then he preceded to tell me that he isn’t 100% sure he would even enjoy that type of relationship. Of course this gives me a little bit of hope... but likely false hope and likely a bigger heart ache. He told me that he doesn’t want me to feel left out and I told him that I cannot say for sure whether I would be or would not be involved in that relationship. But that it is unlikely. I just feel confused and sad. When I think about leaving, I start to cry. And when I think about staying, I cry. I realize that I likely have some co dependency going on. He told me that he isn’t interested in experiencing his gay side with a variety of people but just wants one special man friend. So as it stands how, he will continue with his search. We will remain married and continue to live as much in a loving relationship that we can. But he did agree and thought that we should spend time focusing on our relationship and trying to make each other happy. I don’t know if this is possible. But at the present time, trying to see if we can be happy and remain together is a better option than leaving and being sad. I hope that we will be successful but I am scared that we won’t.

     Thread Starter
 

August 2, 2018 12:13 pm  #5


Re: Bi husband wants our marriage to work

WOBM: what would happen if you told your husband you'd given the matter a great deal of thought, and you are willing to work hard to make the marriage a happy and fulfilling experience for both of you, but that sharing him with another person would be impossible for you.

I mean, when I first read through your posts I thought you'd accepted that you were going to try and have an open marriage and were seeking support from us, but on further reflection I'm wondering whether you're asking "permission" (for lack of a better word) to say no to him.  What would happen if you told him that an open marriage would be devastating for you?  What would happen if you pointed out that these shared sexual encounters would be torment for you, and that sex is supposed to be calming, comforting, and satisfying both physically and emotionally -- even for women.  And this proposal has all the outward appearances of being an unbearably humiliating ordeal for you.

What would happen if you just said "no"?

 

August 2, 2018 1:25 pm  #6


Re: Bi husband wants our marriage to work

Thank you for your thoughts.....

We had this discussion... his thoughts are that he now he finally has the courage to say who he really is and that he has this piece of him that is missing and has been missing for a long time, so he “needs” to explore it.

I told him that that hurts me because I have been by his side, helping him and supporting him for 20 years. And that I wish that I would be enough.

He said he didn’t know but that he really wanted to explore this other side of him. And that he doesn’t want to live me.

I told him for now I will support him but I am only taking it one day at a time. And once he develops a “special” friend that I may not be able to support him anymore because it might just be too much for me.

I also told him that maybe he has known about his bisexuality for a long time but I have not. And he must be patient and give me time to accept it.

So he is going to explore his bisexuality but he is not goIng to pressure me and he is going to let me do what I want but when and if he finds a special friend then I will have to make a decision — can I handle sharing him or not.

So I am just lost... thinking about sharing him breaks my heart and thinking about leaving breaks my heart.

     Thread Starter
 

August 2, 2018 2:16 pm  #7


Re: Bi husband wants our marriage to work

walkbymyself wrote:

......What would happen if you just said "no"?

 

WOABM.....This is what I told my partner. Unequivocally. No. 
I got to the place where I could say it by searching deep inside myself and envisaging how it would feel to accept he wanted other people (omg...blergh!) in our life. Because even if you insist he can have his space, and you're okay with it.....that means you're okay with him keeping secrets (I may be projecting my own thoughts a little here..lol) and they will keep secrets. Once your trust is shattered...your husband is no longer married to the same person, because now you can't believe anything he tells you. 

It made me feel stronger to say "no, I do NOT accept this" . It was but one small step in my journey of one step at a time....but it was my step, not his
 


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

August 2, 2018 2:34 pm  #8


Re: Bi husband wants our marriage to work

Thank you. That is really hard to swallowi. But it hits the nail of the head for me. To date he hasn’t done anything except gay chat. We have meet a few people that could be friends only. I am hoping that he will come to realize before it is too late that having me is better and more fulfilling than exploring this other side. I am not at a spot where I can simply leave. But if he won’t or can’t then that might give me the strength to leave. We have had a wonderful marriage so far and before I throw in the towel, I want to give it my all so at least I know that I did what I could. But hearing from others gives me strength and let’s me know that I am not all alone. Thank you so much!

     Thread Starter
 

August 2, 2018 2:46 pm  #9


Re: Bi husband wants our marriage to work

Wondering89 wrote:

Big hugs to you and I’m sure that was a hard conversation for you. Your very strong and his lucky to have such a special wonderful wife in his life.
None of this is fair But in time I promise you will come out stronger yourself.  Focus on your happiness and getting back to doing things you enjoy. All of this takes a toll on our own mental health so you need to give yourself a lot of self love and care. It’s great yous have agreed to work on your relationship and happiness together to.
Just take day by day..  and either way you’ve tried your hardest. Make a day for yourself to get your hair done and buy yourself something new to boost your confidence to.

Do you have any friends that you trust that you can chat with?

Thank you for providing support to me. I know I will survive no matter what but I just don’t want my heart crushed. This is so hard. He tells me that this is hard on him. I tell him, as a good female does, that I understand that it is hard on him. But then I explain to him how it is hard on me as well.

I have no one to talk to (except for this group) My Family wouldn’t understand and they live far away. I don’t have any close friends and I am afraid to talk to people we both know. For the past 20 years, my life had consisted of my kids,  my job, and my husband. I (and my husband) worked 12  or more hours per day) and when we weren’t working, we were doing something for the kids. Now the kids are doing things are their own we both only work 20 hours per week. So I finally thought now we can spend some quality time together. But then he makes this announcement. It is so maddening. But i don’t want to demand or not even try to see his side. I just hope that we can work things out so we both are happy.

     Thread Starter
 

August 2, 2018 3:10 pm  #10


Re: Bi husband wants our marriage to work

There are several issues to untangle. One is the sexual identity (gay, bi, something else), which is what he chooses to call himself and is based upon what turns him on. Another is sexual behavior (monogamy, and then the various sorts of non-monogamy: cheating, hookups, FWB, polyamory). And yet another is your marriage (once he settles on the answers to the first two issues, you'll be in a better place to decide what your marriage will look like). Losing the marriage you thought you had is a HUGE blow! It's as bad, or in some ways, worse than a death. You need to time to mourn and grieve, just as if you'd lost a child or sibling or parent. 

Be gentle with yourself. Practice self-care and self-compassion. None of this is your fault, but speaking from experience, things you do now can make your next steps much harder or easier. I know all the options look horrible, so choosing "none of the above" is OK for now... you don't have to write the end of the story just yet. Just deal with the issue that is right in front of you right now.

I'm so sorry you have landed in this morass of pain and hurt. I promise it will get better, but it will also take time... lots of time.

 

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