Hi Zepporah, sorry to hear what you are going through but welcome to the board. Many of us certainly can relate. Your life is not over, but it has changed in a very significant way now that you have truth. Silence hurts so I think the sooner you get to your psychologist meeting the better. If I could make a few comments and ask a few questions?

Who's thinking about your health and mind? It sounds like everything is about supporting your spouse but who's supporting you? Does your spouse have any concern over how this is affecting you?

Are you comfortable discussing 'hot gay guys' online? I think it's almost inevitable that the discussion will turn sexual. Because you can't compete with these guys you're sort of demeaning yourself and your role as a partner. You don't have to do this, especially if it's not healthy for you.

I noticed you moved to his hometown. Sometimes that is a form of control. By removing you from existing friends and family you have to rely on him and it limits your ability to just walk away.

I think most people here would say that kids are resilient, especially before they hit their teens. They will not have their lives ruined by moving somewhere else as long as they have a safe place called "home".

Your spouse now feels free because he finally knows who he is? I suspect he knew for a long time. Now because he's finally told you, this is the weight that is off his shoulders and now it's been placed on yours. He's compounded it by asking for your silence, again placing it all on you.

It's hard to say how much time you should give him but how much time do you give yourself? This is your life too. Some of us have spouses that never wanted to figure themselves out or be honest. Can you live together? Some people do that for a while, some become more like roommates. What's good for the kids? Well what isn't good for them is to witness one of their parents living joyless on a regular basis. It really sends the wrong message about what a marriage is supposed to be. You should tell them, age appropriately, before they start wondering what's wrong. They will want to ask where everything, including they are going, so make sure you have all that figured out first. And tell them together.

The up, down, happy and sad is the roller-coaster. It's pretty common and shows you're human with feelings. Hope some of this helps. We're here for you.

Daryl. Thank  you for your answer. When I read your questions I just cried. It is true, nobody is there to support me. Im not taking care of myself , my health and my wellbeing. You made me think. It has always been about him. His issues, his problems and I am the one who has always been there for him but not vice versa. I have isolated myself for many years. I'm of course not comfortable discussing hot gay guys., I don't know why I did that. I also tried to pleasure him sexually in a "gay" way. I think I have lost it completely...I mean who does that ? I think I have lost myself completely in our marriage and  now I feel like Im loosing it for good. I have decided that Im not going to have any sexual contact with him anymore or any intimate contact what so ever. He cant be gay and still have me for a wife when ever he wishes. Im done

Definitely see a lawyer without him knowing it to find out about the laws where you are living now. It occurs to me that his moving the family to his home town could have been a way to position himself to seek custody if he came out and you two separated. Having his parents available to help out when you have no one around to help you could be his plan.

You are very perceptive to realize so quickly this marriage always has revolved around him and you've lost yourself in it. You will need to be strong now to keep from being sucked back into his orbit but it sounds if you are.

Be gentle with yourself and pat yourself on the back for each step you take forward.

Zepporah,
  "Who does that?"  Well, I did.  Don't beat yourself up over it.  Focus on the next steps that you can take to protect yourself and to draw a zone of protection around you (not having sex with him is one of those; telling him to move out of the bedroom is another).  
  Keep writing.  We're here for you.

I'm so sorry you're in our boat too!  It certainly is hell I'm not going to sugarcoat it.  I think you should be aware and concerned about your mental state and the shock you're in right now.  It's totally devastating. You've just been hit by a bus.  The best thing you can do is not to try and figure anything out right now.  Just try and focus on taking care of you right now and getting through the day.  I feel so awful for you.  My kids are older and I didn't have to deal with them at the same time.  Or maybe it's helpful to be busy and have something to take you away from the torture you're feeling.   How far away is your family?  Can you go stay with them awhile?  You don't have to make any decisions about what to do even though it's all you'll think about. Answers will come in time.  I cried for 125 days straight and didn't know how I could stay sane.  But it's true what they say, you'll find your strength!  This is a great place to be when your crumbling.  It saved me.  And it does get better I promise.  OMG you poor thing.  He moved you to his hometown and now this???  The intense anger you're going to feel will surprise you.  Prepare for it.  It's a roller coaster of tears and desperation one minute and in the next you just want to fu**ing pummel him. I cried, screamed and begged him not to leave me for months. I thought I needed him to survive. But I found such strength through all the help I got here.  Everyone was soooo wonderful, caring and they got me through it. I learned so much and the advice was invaluable.  Congrats on finding a therapist!  That's a first step to healing.  Big hugs coming your way!!   

Last edited by Kathyd (July 28, 2018 4:23 am)