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July 16, 2018 3:43 am  #1


Devestated...just found out

Hi I am new here. This is my story in brief...(turns out to be not so brief!)
Married 28 years with 3 adopted children, now young adults but 2 still at home. 33 years together. We have been each others' best friends, rocks, soul mates even. We have treated each other with love & respect and we have been a strong team. We share interests and our lives have been inticricatey bound together.
15 years ago he came to me and told me he had had a brief affair with a married man. He told me he loved me & he expressed shame, remorse, confusion. This was just devastating, a mighty shock. For a time I sank into a horrible black stupor. Then, as I emerged from that, and as he worked through therapy,we decided to work to save our marriage & to keep our family intact. He described himself as bisexual. I set out boundaries on what I could or could not accept and this involved monogamy and loyalty.He ended contact with the man and membership of the gym where he had met him. We gradually started new interests and hobbies and made new friendships together.it took me 2 years to feel really good about life again and to recover a feeling of true stability. The last 15 years have really been happy. We have had a lot of joy together. But one aspect of our relationship never properly recovered and that was our sex life. After a honeymoon period of increased sex, it then stumbled along for a few years before petering out about 4 years ago. We remained physically close with hugging and hand holding. It was something we both found difficult to talk about and , I guess, we swept it under the carpet.
The last 3 years has brought us a great deal of stree. Our daughter was struggling and we discovered that she had been groomed on the Internet by a man who posed as a teenage boy. He got her to send graphic images of herself and then proceeded to blackmail her with these. We reported this crime and he has been convicted and in now in prison. Supporting our daughter through this took a lot of time , energy and emotional strength from us, particularly from myself. I guess this also helped us to keep the sex life issue well under the carpet.
Then 2 years ago my husband became embroiled in a terrible mess of legal and financial problems with his business...basically being screwed by his business partner. This involved him being framed and arrested and spending a year on pre charge bail. All charges were lifted after investigation. But this has all left him with immense legal bills and a business that requires an immense effort and time. Through all this we stood together. I have been by his side always. I used my own savings to keep his business afloat. This is still not sorted and he us still in a legal battle with future debt.
So I guess that all left us a bit jaded and war torn.
2 days ago he sat me down and told me he us gay, that he wants to be"true to himself" to live his life a s the man he really is. He told me he has met another married man who he has been seeing for 5 months. This man has left his wife and set up a flat. My husband wants to move in with him. He told me he loves me and wants to continue to support me in whatever ways I want or need, that he wants to continue to be my best friend, to continue to share some of our interests we have together.
That seems like cloud cuckoo land to me, although another part of me wants to desperately cling to that. He wants the best of both worlds....to be gay and in a new relationship...and to keep our friendship and shared activities and family life. Whilst my life seems to have come to some devastating abrupt stop with an emptiness and no clear future.
I feel he has torn away my stability, my rock, my future plans, my creativity, my self esteem. I feel broken and lost, discarded.
To make things even worse, my children are so upset. My son is so angry that he doesn't want to have to look at his dad. He can't stand to look around our house and see our family photos and memories.The atmosphere in our house is so gloomy. My daughter wants to flee to her boyfriends and my son has been sleeping at a neighbours. I feel so alone and despairing. I can't look more than a day ahead. I am weeping, a sinking mess, then I find a little strength to do something, to phone a friend, to sort through some finances, then a numb blob, then a scared person. I feel like my power has gone. My life disintegrating, my children fleeing.
I try to hold on to the things that are positive in my life but even those are so intertwined with my husband that they look uncertain....my friends are all couples, my hobbies are things we always do together, the band I play music in...he is the singer, the festivals I have booked for the summer....he is the camper van driver and we are booked to perform together on stage....all the things that bring me happiness have involved him.
It is just so devastating...I can't even play my violin...my creativity has gone. I feel he has ripped my life apart whilst he carries on with life as usual, his work, eating, sleeping, playing sport, singing...and with a new intimate partner and future excitement.
I am stabbed in the heart and broken by a man I have dearly loved. I cannot reconcile this all with the man I thought I knew and the life and marriage I have lived. This is a new nightmare and I can't wake up.

 

July 16, 2018 4:44 am  #2


Re: Devestated...just found out

I took off my wedding ring, never removed before. It took soap, effort and physical & emotional pain it triggered a bit of a panic attack, 1st one ever....my finger has sort of grown around the ring. Now my finger is mis shaped and very sad looking. It is narrowed where the ring was.

     Thread Starter
 

July 16, 2018 4:55 am  #3


Re: Devestated...just found out

Elisa wrote:

Omg Elisa....you must be in Hell. There are so many of us here....all in different stages of this *thing* that's been dropped like a bomb in our lives, and differing levels of strength, decision and yes, confusion. 

I think....no, I know....if my (at this time) bisexual partner came to me and told me he was gay, had met  a man and was moving in with him that would be the full-stop to us. A clear sign it was over and that i should waste no more time on him, but talk to and surround my children with all the love & honesty they deserve. I reckon our kids these days are more resilient than we give them credit for..

Keep posting, asking questions


KIA KAHA                       
 

July 16, 2018 5:24 am  #4


Re: Devestated...just found out

Elisa, 
    So sorry you need to be here; I hope this site and those of us posting can be of help to you in what we know to be a devastating experience.  
    One thing I hope you can do is to keep reaching out (and not just to this forum), because although an understandable impulse is to withdraw and suffer alone, you need the support and help others can offer.  You're reeling emotionally and financially and socially.   Is there someone in your family or among your circle of friends you can unburden yourself to?  It helps immensely to have someone in your day to day life who knows what you're going through (your children have their own reactions to be worked through).  Find yourself a therapist who specializes in trauma (if you can find one who has experience counseling straight spouses undergoing this trauma all the better).  And, sadly, you need to protect yourself financially, because it sounds as if your spouse, who has been perfectly willing to accept your financial help while keeping his secret and cheating on you by taking a lover, is not really to be trusted.  Processing that betrayal of trust is painful.
   Getting through this and on your own and on your own two feet is going to be hard, the hardest thing you've ever had to do.  I don't know if right now you can hear this, but there are stages in this process, and it can be helpful to know that you won't be stuck forever where you are now.  That you have reached out to the network indicates that you have begun moving forward and on your own behalf and in your own interest--which we all know is so difficult after years of acting in the interests of a partnership and family.  

 

July 16, 2018 7:03 am  #5


Re: Devestated...just found out

I also was in a sexless long-term marriage when my husband announced he was gay and wanted a divorce. He didn't move out for several months and I think that was a mistake. You need to be away from him to process this and start figuring out where you go from here.

What I found to be very helpful once he did move out was picking up a pamphlet for widows at church. No funeral, no casseroles, no life insurance but he was not there anymore. It urged self-care among other things and while I was still on his insurance I made sure to address a medical issue I'd let slide. I also reached out to the SSN and was put in telephone contact with another woman who had been in a lengthy marriage when her husband met the man of his dreams and left her. We talked by phone and eventually I went from sad to mad and said to myself "If you don't want me I don't want you."  Then I decided how I wanted my future to be.

Because you know that your husband is still in a financial mess gather up all financial records and make copies, then consult an attorney for advice on how to protect yourself from ruin and what you can expect under divorce laws where you live. Knowledge is power and it should guide your future plans. Also, if he has access to any credit cards that are issued on your credit notify the company to remove him as an authorized user. If he has bad credit you may very well have done this even though his name is on the plastic.

Go out and circulate. Do things with other musicians. Jam. You might find a band looking for someone like you. Married friends may have single friends who they will introduce you to if and when you're ready. Redecorate yourself even if the face you put on is a mask. One positive response can brighten your day.

Our children were adults when he left but the one who was away in college cut off all contact with him and the one who was out on his own sought out a counselor for himself. Both thought this was unfair to me and were supportive as best they could be. Eventually I convinced the one in college to communicate with his father because it was doing me no favors as it put the entire responsibility for meeting his needs on me.

I needed to show them I could not only survive but thrive and I have. I would not become their responsibility. His announcement was almost 10 years ago and I am almost four divorced (thanks recession for making us wait until real estate prices improved). I moved to a new community and am making new friends. Set goals for your big and small for future and try to make them happen. Your finger will return to normal and over time so will you.
 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

July 16, 2018 7:08 am  #6


Re: Devestated...just found out

Math error - his announcement was almost eight (8) years ago.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

July 16, 2018 9:15 am  #7


Re: Devestated...just found out

Thank you all for your support & advice. It really means a lot. I can see that you move onwards in time. Right now I can only see a few days at a time ahead and I am trying to plan to see someone or do something positive every day. I have a close neighbour and a music friend who I have confided in. I find I can feel normal for a few minutes in conversation or activity and then it all hits me again as I realise my current situation. I swing between feeling intensely sorry for myself & weeping all over the place, to buckling myself up and putting on my fighting face.
I need to make a financial plan. At the moment my husband says he will provide whatever financial & practical help I need. I don't want to be reliant on him, but I am bloody well going to get my share of any money his business makes as well as a return of monies I have lent. I am going to get his agreement in writing and signed, and then get legal advice. I need to catch him quickly on this whilst he is still feeling very sorry, and before he moves in with his new partner and gets involved in any new demands there. That is my job to start doing tomorrow....i can't quite face it today. I was about to go back into work (I am a therapist) and had just put out my CV but I can't cope with that at the moment, and I also wouldn't want my husband to get a free money pass because I am at work again. So that can wait. My friend is encouraging me to get back into painting which I used to do years ago. I hope to find a class after the summer break.
My friend has just gone home so I am on my own again and starting to feel crappy again, so this group is very welcome.
One of you said to decorate yourself...and I like that idea. I have some purple hair dye in the cupboard. I just might use that.

     Thread Starter
 

July 16, 2018 9:25 am  #8


Re: Devestated...just found out

Elisa, 

I'm so sorry to read your story.  I feel the pain lifting from the text on the screen.  I know how it feels..  all of us here know how you feel.   It's horrible.. I'm so sorry.  

If I may, can I offer a few bits of advice.. 
Consider going to see a Dr and a Therapist.  You have been dealt a severe amount of emotional trauma and with that often comes physical impacts.  It would be wise to find professional help to start healing and stabilizing your life and your health.  Also, if your husband has been with another man you should get checked for STD's.  
It sounds like you are stressed about future activities such as your performances.  If you can try not to think about anything beyond the next few days it would be best.  You have more than you can handle right now to worry about, so adding the stress of trying to figure out what your life will look like in the future is probably making things much worse for you.  You have time in the future to figure those things out and they will be easier to understand later.  For now, try to just get through this one day at a time.  Be kind to yourself and take it easy.  
If you have close friends/family you can count on for support, now is the time to seek that help.  We are definitely here for you, but we aren't local to you and can't offer the hugs that you need.  
It looks like you have seen the "First Aid Kit" thread already..   you can find more advice in that area. but it seems like the above is most applicable to you at the moment. 

Please feel free to post and share as much as you wish.  Just the act of writing out your feeling and releasing them to this anonymous outlet is a healing act.  Let us know how we can help and support you. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

July 16, 2018 9:35 am  #9


Re: Devestated...just found out

Abby you said that you went from sad to mad and then decided that if he didn't need you any more, then you wouldn't need him either......I am looking forward to getting to that bit

     Thread Starter
 

July 16, 2018 10:21 am  #10


Re: Devestated...just found out

Hi Elisa,

I'm so sorry you have the need to be here, but I'm glad you found us.

So,.... is your husband still living in your home with you all currently?  Does he plan on moving out with this man, or is he looking to live with you all and just have this boyfriend to be with whenever he wants?  It sounds like that's what's happening, which is likely why the children are all "fleeing" - because they're angry and devastated, but they are forced to be around their father every day and act like nothing's wrong, lest they upset the apple cart.  If that's what's happening, is there a plan for him to leave, or are you just kind of letting this unfold at this point?

My heart breaks for my, love.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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