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Fri Aug 19 9:08 pm  #21


Re: How do I survive this?

Dee wrote:

The fact that your wife has no issue with having your kids spending the day with her new lover, male or female, while you are still married, in my opinion, shows extremely poor judgment. Did she ask your permission before she did this? All the more reason you need legal advice. She only has her own selfish interests at heart now. Protect yourself and protect them.
Hugs!

I asked her not to go with the woman.  I asked her to never bring her around the boys.  I told her I was extremely uncomfortable with the whole thing.  But she said she was going to do it anyway because they had made plans to go to this football game a few months ago.  I completely agree with you..  horrible judgment.  Before she came out to me I couldn't have imagined she would make the decisions she's been making and lie to me so blatantly.  


They are home.  The boys came in almost in tears and the blood drained out of my face.. I was waiting for them to ask about divorce.  But they didn't.  I guess they just had a really bad day.  My wife was very crabby and somewhat cold to me, but not rude or mean at all.  She went to bed just after the boys so we didn't talk at all.  Oh well.. tonight was not a catastrophe.  We'll see how tomorrow goes. 

 

Last edited by lostdad (Fri Aug 19 9:09 pm)


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Sat Aug 20 7:26 am  #22


Re: How do I survive this?

lostdad, I totally understand your views on wanting to prevent an all out toxic war with your spouse and also wanting to keep the money in the family for the sake of your kids rather than hand it all to lawyers.  But you absolutely need representation regarding your custody rights.  And those decisions are made simultaneously with the financial ones.  Having a lawyer does not mean you cannot still go the cheaper mediation route and it does not have to be super expensive.  Lawyers are not what makes it expensive ... toxic spouses who selfishly want everything their way is what does.  You can still work amicably towards a fair, reasonable settlement and behave respectfully to her and also have a lawyer.  Men are not treated well regarding custody ... you need a lawyer!!!  It is not just you that will suffer ... your kids potentially face a very chaotic, confusing situation if you do not remain a very central part of their lives.  So investing money in a lawyer DOES help your kids.  The difference between being with them 50 percent of the time versus two weekends a month is HUGE for them.  But you need to work hard to make that happen.  PLEASE see a lawyer and fast.  The initial consultation is almost always free.  And you can go have a lot of free consultations with different lawyers to get a lot of questions answered.  Don't wait.  And you need not tell her what you are doing either.

Editting to add that your wife might actually be in favor of you having full custody with her being the one to see them every other weekend.  She might want all that extra time for her new twu wuv.  If so, you should jump on the opportunity to keep your kids with you in their more stable home.  Selfish people don't make very good parents.

Last edited by Dixie (Sat Aug 20 7:29 am)

 

Sat Aug 20 10:55 am  #23


Re: How do I survive this?

Your spouse is showing poor judgment in introducing her new significant so soon. The older the kids are, the slower you need to go and the more honest she needs to be about who this person is and ease them in (on the assumption that she winds up living with this person). The kids have enough change ahead of them, this is unnecessary and selfish. I hope this other person is mature enough to know that they need to hang back and not force themselves in as pseudo-family.

You mentioned you need hugs - get them from the kids. These are going to be more honest. As others have stressed, get custody firmly figured out and lawyer approved. There are many things people overlook such as moving away, out of state or country holidays, medical decision making and power of attorney type stuff.

P.S. - don't forget your own estate planing. Do what you can to place as much as possible into the kids hands but don't make it irrevocable in case you have another relationship down the road.
 

Last edited by Daryl (Sat Aug 20 11:01 am)

 

Sat Aug 20 12:00 pm  #24


Re: How do I survive this?

Lostdad,  I have nothing new to offer other than to reiterate the importance of distancing yourself from your wife. Frankly, I don't see how she has any right to continue to live in the home, causing so much friction & heartache when she clearly has been planning her exit from you. Did she not think it was necessary to also pay for that freedom? She can't have it both ways & she should not be able to continue to torture you in the family home imo. I also hear that she is being just as self centred & disrespectful of the children as she has been with you. No matter who is her lover, she should not be introducing the children to her in such a short time, without counselling on anyone's part to get a professional opinion on how to proceed for the welfare of the children. Use THIS as your fire & priority. It will redirect your present heartache and you & the children will be so grateful you put their welfare first, down the road, when the dust settles a bit & you can see clearly that the children should always have been the priority.You don't want to be a year separated & realize that the kids have serious emotional issues that could have been mitigated had someone looked out for them. I know you are that parent & man, don't let your selfish wife bamboozle that over you as well.

And it will get better & you WILL find a loving partner down the road who deserves every bit of awesomeness that you have about you. Judging by the popularity of this board & respectful dating sites, there are many lost & hurt deserving of love souls out there. You just need to take care of this sh*tstorm first, then you & the kids will be on your way Big hugs to you  

Last edited by whatasham24 (Sat Aug 20 12:05 pm)

 

Sat Aug 20 6:14 pm  #25


Re: How do I survive this?

I have no words that will help your pain, I wish I did know what to say that would help. I am sorry that your heart is broken, that you doubt your ability to go on. Your words are so eloquent and heart rending to me and everyone else that I wish you know how strong that the ability to express yourself will help you. You are not alone, we are here with you. Be kind to yourself, if you need to cry then do it. You are only responsible for your own actions. You are not responsible for hers. Keep telling yourself that, tears help wash away the pain, so never feel bad about being emotional or having feelings. It's the mark of a true man.


Go not quietly into that great, good night......Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
 

Sun Aug 21 1:34 am  #26


Re: How do I survive this?

Lostdad, sorry you are here - sorry both for you and your children It's incomprehensible to understand that the wife you have loved so much prefers to be loved by a woman. It's not just about sex. It's also about her desires and preferences that she has been dabbling in. You don't have the anatomy she wants nor the voice tone she craves nor the soft feminine physique. As devastating as that is, understanding that fact can help the process of grief move towards acceptance. Even after acceptance there is the lingering symptoms of PTSD that recur but mostly less often and less intense. We believed our world was a certain way for so long, we trusted our spouse, and we discover our world of a heterosexual marriage never existed. This has nothing to do with not helping your wife around the house enough. This has nothing to do with you even though your codepency of being determined to love at all costs kept you there but was futile for the long-term(as were my efforts futile in my marriage). Love can triumph only when both individuals are sincere and honest about who they are. You needed your wife's physical love, and she withheld from you while she followed who intrigued her more in whatever friendship (if that's what she calls it). Sexual desire and physical intimacy should be a regular part of marriage (with some legitate exceptions such as illness or disease), but we straights were often called demanding for having those natural heterosexual desires towards our mate. When you discover the same sex attraction in your marriage, then suddenly those weird things that never made sense finally do. Your wife has fed her desires, made her decisions, and there's nothing you can do to love her back or change her with something she's known about herself for almost her entire life. You seem very understanding to her needs, but just remember that as you suffered and wondered what was wrong, she kept her secrets from you. She is not the woman that you thought you knew. It's excruciatingly painful, but you will get through this. Use wisdom, but it also is not your job to hide your wife's secrets; neither is it any of your shame. Don't beat yourself up. This is not your fault that your wife desires another woman. Be strong for your kids and for yourself.

 

Sun Aug 21 7:29 pm  #27


Re: How do I survive this?

Betsy, thanks so much for your post.  Your words are kind and appreciated.  I still can't let go of what is so valuable to me.  At this point I would try to keep the marriage together just for my kids sake.  

This weekend has been so hard.  She and the boys are home. We are all together for the first time in a couple months due to vacations and the kids spending time at the grandparents house.  We went grocery shopping together and I realized how much I missed doing things together as a family.  Those mundane activities that you take for granted.. you just don't know how wonderful life is until it's taken away from you.  

We've been talking a bit about physical custody.  I wrote out a calendar and presented it to her.  She doesn't seem to like it. I keep re-enforcing that I think it's in the best interest of everyone, especially the kids for us to have 50/50 time with them.  I need them in my life as much as possible.  I need them in the next room sleeping so that the house isn't empty.  I need to see them first when I wake up in the morning.  I need to read to them and say prayers with them before they go to sleep.  I don't understand why she doesn't agree with this.  She says she loves them and wants what is best, but I'm not sure i'm seeing it yet. 

This is going to get a lot harder as we start to face reality.  I just hope beyond hope that we can stay amicable and polite and not start a war.  I understand that everyone says I should get a lawyer, but I still want to avoid it.  As soon as I get one, she will too and then we'll both be getting advice that will pit us against each other.  I'd rather try to come to an agreement together to stay on good terms.  I hope we can do this. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

Sun Aug 21 8:05 pm  #28


Re: How do I survive this?

Are you sure she doesn't have a lawyer yet?   What did she want if not 50/50 with the kids?

Just be careful...I found my best friend and wife try to take my kids away from me saying I was incapable of taking care of the younger one.   It was horrifying after we been through so much raising the kids.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Sun Aug 21 9:52 pm  #29


Re: How do I survive this?

Lost-

Congratulations on your awakening and starting transition from victim to butterfly. Welcome to our forum.  My heart goes out to you. I suffered a female GID like yours for almost 4 decades. When my son was out and away, I jumped off the Merry Go Round. 

Don’t, “…try to keep the marriage together just for my kids sake.”  Trying to do that will be the end of you.    I stayed in my mistake for 3+ decades to nurture and protect my son from his often evil mother. After he was through with high school, college and in his first house, I faced up, gnawed off my hand (figuratively speaking), freed myself from her trap and started living my own life.   He turned out splendidly – many friends, student body pres, college scholarships, fantastic wife, MBA, now stock options. But, there was only 15% of me left. 

I had waited until leaving was a life-and-death matter for me. Having not extricated myself from that intolerable situation, my body got sick to do it for me. Three weeks before divorce I excised a cancerous prostate, another thing set on killing me, ending life dreams of a full on hetero relationship. Since, mouth washes, fillings, root canals, root scrapings, implants, etc are cleaning out bacterial community property she brought home. Eight years out now, I’m a happy, healthy, semi-retired singleton with a loving son and daughter-in-law. 

The brilliance of your situation is that you have much life ahead to refresh and recreate yourself and to nurture, guide and model for your kids.

You, “… missed doing things together as a family.”  In time, you’ll realize the family you thought you had was a charade. Your GIDW charmed you by mirroring back what you projected, all the while living her parasitic closet life.  You’re REAL.  She’s a phony. 

Illogical longing for her to be the illusion you want, rather than what she’s now showing you may be TRAUMA BONDING.  When recovered, you’ll appreciate in intimate relationships we need love not dependency.  I know this well.  I stayed frozen, unable to act in my own self interest for decades – the while knowing I was wasting my life for a GIDer with no more regard for consuming me than I had for a carrot on a salad tray. I’m well beyond it now, but after we split, I still missed her! 

Get out, get well, then get a new life with a REAL partner.  Then, you’ll have a REAL WONDERFUL LIFE. 
After you get out and get well, your kids will know and gravitate to you, who they know to be their REAL Parent. They’ll fill your house and say prayers with you.  She just wants all the comforts (Cake) you’ve provided her, despite finally revealing her treacherous, dark self.  Cake - http://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/  

“She says she loves them … not sure i'm seeing it …”  Cheaters refrain: “Who you gonna trust, her or your lying eyes?”  She’s a user and wants them for narcissist supply. 

You, “…hope [to] stay amicable and polite and not start a war.”  You’re still trying to “Nice” her into being someone she isn’t – an honorable person.

Trust “everyone [who] says I should get a lawyer …”  Until you get tough to deal with her antics, you need to hire someone to do that for you.  If she gets nice, you can minimize lawyer costs.  After trying to “Nice” my GIDXW for over 3 decades, my honest, professional, biting dog attorney’s reputation was a god send to smooth divorce. 

“I hope we can do this.”  You can, but you gotta get your game face on.  The choice before you is to grow or wither -- live or die. 

Advice: 1) Assemble your professional lawyer, therapist, doctor team, 2) Get her out and away so you have space to grow and 3) keep your sympathy and finances for yourself. 

You have a brilliant new life ahead just beyond your 1) understanding, 2) acceptance, and 3) hard work. 

Pray, exercise, rejoice, get the best lawyer, divorce ASAP, build a wiser life.

Best wishes for a fabulous future. 

- John

 

Mon Aug 22 9:21 am  #30


Re: How do I survive this?

I had great advice from all the wonderful people posting here notably Kel, still wondering, patsy, cameron, david etc. I also urge you to read www.chumplady.com. I read it before I start my day. It helped me find the righteous anger I needed to move me forward and file for divorce. He moved out last June, I filed last month and am waiting now for the papers to come through. Please protect yourself. Love yourself after this enormous betrayal. I know it is very painful, I still cry now although not as often and as much. I've gone very minimal contact, text only about the kids. It really helps. Stiffen your spine, get your bearings, take a deep breath. I am doing this. You can do this! We did nothing wrong. Hugs to you

 

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