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October 9, 2018 2:58 pm  #281

Re: How do I survive this?

eelizabeth wrote:

Hi there I'm new to this I don't normally go on these type of things but I need some help or advice. My bf when we dated he told me a year into our relationship that he doesn't feel like he's a man and always wanted to be a woman. By then I was in love he treats me good, and never had this connection before with anyone. He said he didnt know if he'd ever transition so I let him know I was uncomfortable and he never really talked about it again. Till this week and we've been together 3 years now he said he wants to transition maybe a few years after having a child....This scares me I know from what I read I should support him. However, I am not lesbian I don't swing that way, he wants to have intimacy with me by using a strap on on me and I don't want that. I like the connection we have sexually now. Whenever I think about losing him in that way I start crying. I told him I don't want that and I think it is kinda selfish of him to try to persuade me I think I may be able to stay with him but sexually I really don't think I can do that for him, I'm also afraid he's going to change his personality...I feel so lost and don't know what to do. He tells me he hates his body but he likes me going down on him, and even told me he enjoys sex with me so I don't understand why he wants to change and both of us suffer. I could prolly use a strap on on him even with being uncomfortable with it if it makes him happy. what do I do? any advice or is our relationship doomed? 

Hi eelizabeth, 

Welcome to our group.  I'm sorry you are going through this. 
I would encourage you to start a new thread of your own so that everyone can see and share some advice and compassion with you. 

My advice..   When a person shows you their true self - believe them.  Do you want to be with a gay/trans man for the rest of your life?   Do you want to be uncomfortable with intimacy?  Do you want to lack trust with the most important person in your life?  Do you want to raise kids knowing your marriage will struggle and it could end at any time when he finally decides he needs to be with a man?  
Run away my friend.  Read the hundreds of threads on this forum and see the common theme that we all wish we could go back in time and see the signs.  We would all run away if we could.  You have the chance now..  take it!


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


October 9, 2018 3:30 pm  #282

Re: How do I survive this?

Dear eelizabeth,

Start to detach from him asap. He is using you and wanting you to do things that you are not comfortable with. I don't know what you're reading that says you should support him but please stop reading that BS.  Do not sacrifice your life and possibly a future child to this man. 


October 9, 2018 5:40 pm  #283

Re: How do I survive this?

    Ask yourself why it is that to him "being a woman" is all about sex.  It has nothing to do with wanting to "be a woman."  It's a sexual paraphilia called autogynephilia, in which a man is sexually attracted to the idea of himself as a woman.  With these types it's never about the real work or reality of being a woman.   That's why you're all tied up in "I'm not a lesbian" and "I could peg him" or "I don't want a strap on."   Because he has defined the ground as a sexual one.  It's got nothing to do with actually existing women.
   I'm here to tell you that this kind of sexual demand, should you go along with it, is going to kill your spirit.  It sure did mine.  And eight months after moving out on my own I am STILL trying to heal from the blow his sexual demands and practices inflicted on me.  Trust me, it's not going to stop at strap ons.  It's going to morph into "I hate male sexuality and so you must not ask me to use my penis, and even though you want that it's a violation of who I am so you have to forego and remake your sexuality to match what I want." 
    Please believe me and others when we say that this only escalates, because it's like an addiction to them.  And what he says today--that he'd like to transition in three years after having children--is not going to be what he says in a month.  Plus, why on earth would you even contemplate bringing a child into a relationship with a person with this disorder!?!?  
    If I may channel Kel, "run like your hair's on fire."   And like Lynne says, no, you shouldn't "support him."  And stop reading whatever you're reading that tells you to ignore your own feelings and all the warning signs.  


October 10, 2018 7:12 am  #284

Re: How do I survive this?

So sorry you find yourself here Elizabeth.

I was in your position a couple of years ago. Believe me there will be more to this and it will escalate. These autogynephiles generally have ermm interesting sexual needs (forced feminisation, humiliation, validation by men - even though they protessssstttt they aren’t gay). They are usually also exhibitionists and if anything like mine will be plastered all over trans dating and porn sites looking for admiration from other trannys. Usually they are fantastic liars too, maybe just dig a little.

You know why he wants strap on play? Because when you’re doing it he will be fantasising that he’s dressed up and that you are a man or a transexual. I promise you that.

How does he even know he likes anal? Well because he does it alone at home with dildos.

But my advice? Get out now.

Last edited by Duped (October 10, 2018 7:28 am)


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