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Fri Aug 19 11:26 am  #11


Re: How do I survive this?

Being easy on yourself means taking time to grieve, gathering strength for your kids and moving forward and not looking back. I can't over state how important it is to distance yourself.  Don't listen to her words of love - she is with someone else now.  It's hard for her ? So what ! You have to focus on you.
I'm not sure it's been mentioned but you need to get legal advice. Decisions you make now can have far reaching consequences. -  don't move out and talk with a lawyer

 

Fri Aug 19 1:08 pm  #12


Re: How do I survive this?

I have re-read your posts and your pain jumps off the screen.  You also have a way of expressing yourself that makes me feel as if I am back on Day 1 of my own journey.  Right now I would suggest to you to split the emotional from the business aspects of what you have to deal with. (Easier said than done).

Your W has told you she wants a divorce. This is business. Here you are behind the eight ball since your W has been contemplating her situation for awhile.  You have to approach this with a clear head and separate your feelings and emotions and you have to do this quickly. Don't make any legal decisions from an emotional place. Likewise, put time aside for you to work on the emotional side of divorce.  Get a counselor or someone to talk to. You need someone who is there for you. Contact the Straight Spouse Network for help. Sometimes having a daily set time and a time limit on dealing with emotional stuff helps us to function in the work-day world.

The fact that you and she can talk about your issues, her sexuality and mediation bodes well for your continued co-parenting, but at some point you have to disengage from her. From what you write she is hyper-focused on herself.  Stop allowing her to tell you how you should feel about anything and everything. Stop beating yourself up and taking the entire blame for this situation.  You are not to blame.  She is gay, period.  No amount of chores, cooking, cleaning, bread-winning etc. is going to win her over or make her stop wanting to be with a woman.  You are not to blame for not having a vagina.  Every time you start to have a negative thought about yourself or put yourself down...stop it.  Change the negative into a positive statement about yourself.  Start to see the beautiful person that you are even if it is one little thing at a time. This is not just about her.  You matter too.  Start exploring you.

Another long time poster Patti, often recommends CoDA Meetings and the book, Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie.  Hopefully, she will come along and give you a post.  

None of this is easy, at all, but your children need you to come out of this stronger and be a dependable present father in their lives.  If you do not feel that you have the strength to get through this for yourself, do it for them.


"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."
 

Fri Aug 19 2:54 pm  #13


Re: How do I survive this?

I understand the business aspect of things and I understand that it's important, but I'd like to try to work through it with her without attorneys.  My understanding is that our state is "equitable distribution".  This means it will be close to 50/50 but could sway a little in either direction.  I think what would happen is that we would wind up spending $10k each in legal fees to argue over $15k in assets.  It's just not worth it.. I think we can both be reasonable and see that lawyers will only make things a war and the only people who benefit are the lawyers. 

Now custody and parenting time with the kids is another story.  That I will not put a price on.  I want 50/50 and I will not back down from that.  I will hire an attorney and I will fight for time with my kids. 

We will talk about custody this weekend.  I'd like to iron that out and make sure we are on the same page.  I want to make sure that custody of the kids is not a negotiation that is mixed with assets.  That would be very wrong. 

If I have no option but divorce, then I want to make it amicable for the sake of the kids.  I don't want to hate my wife (soon to be ex).  Sure I'm hurt, but I want to chose not to hate her and not to go to war with her. 

Now.. her new lover...I don't think I have the capacity to not hate her.  

Last edited by lostdad (Fri Aug 19 3:07 pm)


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

Fri Aug 19 3:13 pm  #14


Re: How do I survive this?

WendiT wrote:

I have re-read your posts and your pain jumps off the screen.  You also have a way of expressing yourself that makes me feel as if I am back on Day 1 of my own journey.

Sorry if my posts are hard for you to read.  I guess the reason I'm here and the value I'm getting from this place is that you folks do understand exactly how I feel.  I can't find that anywhere around me right now.  My Dr. gives me pills for depression and sleep, but he doesn't know what it's like to endure the pain.  My councilor has years of experience dealing with tough marriages and divorces, but doesn't know how TGT really impacts the str8 spouse. My church divorce group is great, and there are many people who know the sting of infidelity and divorce, but none of them have experienced what I'm going through.  I can only seem to find understanding here.  I have connected with the local chapter of the Str8 spouse network.  I hope to attend the meeting in Sept. 

Anyway, I don't mean to drag you folks back to those hurt feelings through my writing.  Sorry if my style of writing is more emotional than logical.  Thanks for putting up with me and supporting me with your kindness and wisdom. 
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

Fri Aug 19 4:14 pm  #15


Re: How do I survive this?

Please don't stop posting. We all agree that your posts are hard to read because we can all relate to that raw, physical pain of what you are going through in the beginning. Its gut wrenching, without a doubt. And you are right, although I've had support, the mind numbing layers that we deal with here in my opinion are truly unique.

 

Fri Aug 19 4:48 pm  #16


Re: How do I survive this?

Yes, please don't stop writing what you feel! It may be hard to read, but it's also good for people like me bc it makes me remember just how raw, deep, and unimaginable the pain is and keeps me from going back.

I'm an attorney in the state I currently live and have dealt a little bit with divorces/child custody, albeit, not too much. I agree atty fees are extremely high, so whatever you and your wife can agree to amicably can be done without an attorney, and possibly without mediation, but it will have to be put into a court order upon divorce. The child visitation and support should be dealt with at the same time. All of this can get very ugly, very quickly and could drag out, depending upon the parties. Do you have an idea of what your wife is going to ask for with the children? Will she seek child support, or will you? Who's insurance will cover the child's medical costs? College/school expenses? How will holdiays be handled? I think you need to have a reasonable expectation of exactly what you want, and also an idea of what she'll ask for. What are you willing to compromise? Can you and your wife discuss this amicably at this point? If you think she's going to fight tooth and nail for the children or just be ugly in this matter you need to protect yourself and your interests. It may save you a couple of billable hours if you go into the atty's office already having answered these questions. Just be leary, you don't know what people are capable of or their motives in these situations - you've already been exposed to that by her leading a double life.

It's not the attorneys who make this a war, they just help you navigate the legal system. It's out creed to zealously represent our client and their interests - it becomes a war when the parties can't agree and attempt to be vindictive by being unreasonable and/or refusing to compromise to make the other person miserable. Divorce and child custody does not have to be an ugly situation, it'll be what you and wife make of it.

Last edited by selfrenewal (Fri Aug 19 5:06 pm)

 

Fri Aug 19 5:58 pm  #17


Re: How do I survive this?

Dear lostdad,

I in no way meant to be critical of your feelings or meant to suggest you should stop sharing here. Perhaps it is I that did not adequately express myself.  You express yourself very well and I meant what I said as a compliment not criticism.  I suppose I should have left it at: "you have a way with words".  You are not causing pain, you are making me remember and that is not a bad thing and it is not uncomfortable. I also did not mean that you should run out and get an attorney; but rather I did not want you to be taken advantage of during this trying time. The failure to communicate is all mine and I am sorry that in doing so I made you feel uncomfortable and unwanted. That was not my intentions and I appologize. Please continue to post and be supported here. The people here get what you are going through.  

WT


"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."
 

Fri Aug 19 8:03 pm  #18


Re: How do I survive this?

What helped me was I kept the dog. She took the cat. The dog imposed a rhythm on life. Time to get up, time to get home, time to eat, time for walks, etc. not to mention the constant, always happy to hang with me company. I'm not saying it's time to go get a puppy and go through training and so on while dealing with these immediate issues but once you are living separate maybe a well behaved rescue dog? If you're a dog/pet person in general.

Keep reminding yourself - you didn't cause this and there was nothing you could do to prevent it or fix it. If I could rewind time for sure I would have made a different choice but I do not feel I failed. Nor was I ready to throw in the towel until TGT made it a futile exercise.

 

 

Fri Aug 19 8:05 pm  #19


Re: How do I survive this?

WendiT wrote:

Dear lostdad,

I in no way meant to be critical of your feelings or meant to suggest you should stop sharing here. Perhaps it is I that did not adequately express myself.  You express yourself very well and I meant what I said as a compliment not criticism.  I suppose I should have left it at: "you have a way with words".  You are not causing pain, you are making me remember and that is not a bad thing and it is not uncomfortable. I also did not mean that you should run out and get an attorney; but rather I did not want you to be taken advantage of during this trying time. The failure to communicate is all mine and I am sorry that in doing so I made you feel uncomfortable and unwanted. That was not my intentions and I appologize. Please continue to post and be supported here. The people here get what you are going through.  

WT

You are fine.  I didn't take your reply as criticism at all.  No apology needed.  
A couple people have said that it's painful to read my posts because of how I describe the pain and emotion.  I understand it brings back memories of your own difficult past.  I feel bad for bringing you back to that discomfort.

I will keep posting. 

I need prayer tonight. My wife will be returning from her little "trip" in less than an hour.  She picked up the kids from their grandparents house on the way back so they have been with her and her new lover for the whole day.  I'm so scared of what this other women might have said to them.  I'm scared of what this other woman may have convinced my wife.  I'm scared she will be closed off and no longer amicable or compassionate toward me.  We have so many things to figure out.. foremost is how to tell the kids.  We have to discuss custody and parenting time before we tell them so that we show them we have a plan.  I just want to keep things friendly for the kids sake.  And I still need hugs...


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

Fri Aug 19 9:00 pm  #20


Re: How do I survive this?

The fact that your wife has no issue with having your kids spending the day with her new lover, male or female, while you are still married, in my opinion, shows extremely poor judgment. Did she ask your permission before she did this? All the more reason you need legal advice. She only has her own selfish interests at heart now. Protect yourself and protect them.
Hugs!

 

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