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Thu Aug 18 7:40 am  #1


How do I survive this?

Apologies in advance.. this is going to be a very long message.  I just need to get it off my chest and hope that there are people here who can relate and who can help me get through this. 

I'm swimming in a sea of pain and suffering.    I've never known hurt like this... even for a day and it's been nearly 6 weeks since she dropped the bomb on me..  It's like death, but it doesn't end.  There is no release.  I have to keep living through it.  Mornings are the worst.  I wake up and it's a new day.  I don't remember my dreams but they must continue to be like normal life.  Then I lay there at 4:30 in the morning and reality floods back in.  I cry, i shake, I pray, I try to get back to sleep but it doesn't come.  I have to figure out how to get out of bed and go to work so that I can continue to support my family.  I'm a zombie.. a shell. 

We were married for 16 years.  16 wonderful years.  Sure marriage is hard; I'm not perfect but I tried to love her.  The only constant frustration for me was that I couldn't get enough intimacy and sex.  I thought it was just because she had a very low sex drive and maybe mine is abnormally high.  There were years early in our marriage that we only had sex a few times in a whole year.  But then there were other years when it got better.  I can remember a few sessions of fantastic intimacy, a few times that I could really tell that she wanted me.  But it was rare. I know she tried to satisfy me, but I knew she wasn't into it.  She was distant.  There was the constant "are you done yet?" look in her eyes.  

I struggle with the realization that she's a lesbian.  I guess I've always had that fear and at times a lack of trust.  But denial and hope are such powerful forces.  She admitted to me when we were dating that she had lesbian relationships in college.  She was upfront about it, said that it was before she had a personal relationship with Jesus.  she said she believed it was wrong and she wasn't a lesbian.  We didn't have sex before marriage but there was definitely some passion.  About 4 years into our marriage she started hiding IM conversations on the computer.  i'd walk into the room and she would immediately hide the screen.  I feared that she was "more than friends".  One night I snooped and saw that she said she wished she hadn't done it but there was no going back now.  I assumed that meant our marriage.  I lost it.. she heard me crying and told me I was mis-interpreting things. That fear went away over time as we raised our children.. But then it came back about 4 or 5 years ago when she started changing her religious beliefs about homosexuality. She started to question the core fundamentals of our faith.  She got more distant.  She started spending more and more time with lesbian friends.  This change happened slowly, and I tried to resist it, but there was nothing I could do.  I guess denial is so strong.  I worried about losing her, but never really thought it would happen.   Then about 8 months ago she made a new friend.  I was worried immediately.. she made that friend a priority over me.  Constantly texting with her, spending her weekend and evening time with her instead of me and the kids.  She hid her phone from me, hid her computer IM's when i would walk in the room.  I fought against this.. asked her repeatedly if this other woman "loved her more than friends".  She always assured me it wasn't the case.. she just needed a strong female friend or a motherly influence.  She was always so good at telling me how much she loved and needed me and how i was the perfect spouse and she would never leave me.  

With this new "Friend" in her life and my constant feeling of being 2nd place there was more tension between us.  We never really fight.  I've never said a bad word to her, never yelled at her, certainly never raised a hand.  We just mis-communicate and get frustrated with each other and hurt feelings.  This had been increasing over the first 6 months of this year.  I felt like we were in a spiral that was leading to problems.  I tried so hard to communicate with her and be open and honest about my fears.  It seemed like she tried as well, but she would never back away from this other woman.  She continued to hide her phone from me.  It was a constant posture of proving to me that she had something to hide.  But she would get mad at me for not trusting her.  So I beat myself up thinking that I was a bad spouse and that if I really loved her i would trust her.  I just couldn't get past it.. I just knew something wasn't right. 

July 11th.. We had just returned from a vacation.  I tried so hard to reconnect and re-ignite our love.  i even told her I wan't to rededicate myself to her.  The morning after we got home she started her new job.  Later in the week was her 40th birthday.  That morning we had another "hurt feelings" disconnect and I told her that I wanted to talk again in the evening and "lay the cards out on the table".  She sure did that..  She admitted that she is a lesbian.  That she's been lying to herself for 24 years.  That she can't keep doing that.  She can't live with it anymore.  She said it wasn't fair to her or me.  She said she tried so hard during our marriage to not be lesbian but she couldn't suffocate herself anymore.  She initially said she didn't want to break her marital vow, but wasn't sure what was next.  I went through a week of unimaginable pain and anxiety waiting to find out if she was going to try to stay married and work through it or if she wanted a divorce.  Then the answer came back divorce and I was crushed again.  Then two weeks later I found out she was cheating on me and was having sex with this same friend that I was worried so much about.  So much pain!  It hurts so much.  She's on a little vacation with her right now.  I saw a facebook post of the two of them together and just lost it (at my desk at work even). 

Denial is such a powerful thing.  With all of this history one would think that i would have been prepared for this.  You would think that I would have wanted out.  You wouldn't think it would have been a surprise or a shock.. but I felt like I got hit by a bus.  Somehow despite all of these warning signs and trust issues I never imagined it would actually happen.  I am so stupid!!!!  

I still love her.  Despite the affair she is having.. .i still love her and I want her back so badly.  I am so dependent on her.  She has always been my rock.  My support.  My comfort.  My intimacy.  My wife.  My partner.  I need her.  Any time I've been hurting she's been there for me to comfort me and wipe away my tears.  (yes, i'm an emotional guy.. I cry.. i'm crying right now).  Now in the midst of the greatest crisis in my life.. I need her the most and I can't have her. She's the one causing the pain.  I need someone.. I'm so co-dependent. 

I can't accept that the person I knew so well was a lie.  I feel like the new her is the lie.  Isn't this just a mid-life crisis?  Won't she come to her senses and come back to me?  I can accept that she's attracted to female bodies.. so am I.  And I know that she's been attracted to me in the past.  I remember vividly some great sex.  A few fantastic times.  Just a few though.  Can't that come back?  Can I find a way to love her better?

She wants a divorce.  I don't, but I can't stop her.  Our state is no-fault.  No reason is necessary.  At some point soon she will file the papers.  We've both said that we want to do mediation without lawyers.  There isn't enough money between us to waste $10k each on attorneys.. we wouldn't wind up gaining that much back and all it would do is cause a war and hatred and that would affect the boys. 

Oh my boys.. I love my boys more than life itself.  I have been so proud of my strong marriage and the great example we have been setting for them.  I was so proud that they would have a solid and stable parental unit and wouldn't have to endure the pain and devastation that divorce causes to children.  I was so proud..  and now I've failed.  I can't save it.  I was wrong.  They have to live this through.  All I can do is try to love them and get as much parenting time as possible.   We have to tell them soon..  I don't know how to have the conversation.  I can't lie to them and say that I want a divorce.  But I can't blame it on my wife and risk that they would think less of her.  They need to know that we are both good parents and both love them above all else.  How do I get through that conversation?

How do I move on?  How do I let her go when i still love her and need her so much?
How do I survive 6 months of divorce process and who knows how many years before I find someone else?  Will i ever be able to find someone else?

She keeps telling me that I'm being selfish with my emotions.. that it's all about me and that I don't realize how hard this is on her.  But I can't see through my grief.  She's already in love with someone else.  She's throwing me away.  She's destroying our family.  How can I tell her that I can accept her decision and that I just want her to be happy.  How can I say what she wants to hear from me.  How can I be happy for her when her decision is destroying me.  I guess I am selfish. 

We are still amicable.  She still says "I love you", though less often.  I still tell her that I'm not giving up.  She still gives me hugs and lets me put my head on her chest and cry in the morning.  We both still want what's best for the kids and we know that fighting with each other will hurt them.  

I've read so many other posts on this site with people who hate their ex for all the lies and deception.  I don't hate her.  i still love her.  I know that she still cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me.  I know how hard it was for her.  But somehow I find little consolation in that.  it doesn't take away my pain.  Knowing that she is in love with this other woman doubles the pain. 

How do I survive this?   I'm on anti-depressants which seem to numb me a little bit, but i still cry often.  I am on sleeping pills that get me from about 10 pm to 4:30 AM.  I guess if I look at things week over week I can see that I'm getting more stable.  But i still don't feel like a human.  I don't know how to get through a year or more of this.  

How do I let her go?  How do I move on?  How do I wish her the best with her new lover?  How can i come to a place where I don't hate the new lover?  How do I get over the dependence?  I can't replace her with someone else until I can heal, but I don't know how to survive that long without someone. 

I'm just swimming in pain.  

 

Last edited by lostdad (Thu Aug 18 7:45 am)


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

"Horribly, the only way through it..... is through it."
-CajunBelle
 

Thu Aug 18 8:25 am  #2


Re: How do I survive this?

Dear Lost,
So sorry you are here, but you're in the right place. We've all been there, and we understand what you are going through. In the beginning, I prayed that I would die in my sleep, thank goodness that never happened, because it does get better. First off, you are NOT being selfish, and you do NOT need to wish her well with her new lesbian lover. And she's already starting to throw at you what we've all experienced, we aren't understanding or supportive enough as they come out and implode our lives, but more importantly the lives of the kids. That's garbage. Don't get sucked into that. That's for her to figure out. The thing is she's already moved on, sounds like years ago, and you are trying to play catchup. Well you never will, and it will never, ever make sense. So she can mentally and physically separate just like that. So it's pretty easy for her to say you are being "selfish " with your emotions. Takes the responsibility off of her and puts it on you. You're likely to see lots more of that coming at you. And she is going to turn into someone unrecognizable to you. I know it sounds harsh, but it's the truth. Be kind to yourself. I know right now it definitely doesn't seem like it, but it does get a little bit better every day. I was you 18 months ago.
Keep posting, we are here for you.

 

Thu Aug 18 10:18 am  #3


Re: How do I survive this?

Dear lostdad,

Welcome and I am so sorry you are here. I know that many of us Str8 women would have been happily married to a caring and involved man such as yourself.

There is so much in your post, but I am only going to address one thought for now and that is....Please don't judge or try to measure your response, feelings, and progress now (or through your recovery process) with your STBLXW.  She has had most of her life to process this and on some level has known that this day would come from the time you went on your first date.  In contrast, you have had a short time.  

Take a deep breathe.  You are in shock and you are mourning the loss of the wife and the marriage you thought you had.   

Getting through this is one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life.  But it does get better.  Your children will get through this.  There is life after TGT (The gay thing) and it may surprise you that it is even better than what you had.  

Be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time. You will find common ground, kindness, and tough love here and I hope that you will gain strength in realizing you are not alone.
 


"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."
 

Thu Aug 18 10:53 am  #4


Re: How do I survive this?

Lostdad,

"...  I cry, i shake, I pray, I try to get back to sleep but it doesn't come.  I have to figure out how to get out of bed and go to work so that I can continue to support my family.  I'm a zombie.. a shell"..

I could have written your story ...almost the entire thing. Word for word.   Been there..shaking with trauma.  Except mine to this day never gave me the decency to admit to being gay....but all the proof and behavior are there..matters little if she says it.  Actions speak louder than words..  (and their words are worthless now).
I was white as a ghost as my co-workers said.  Just utter shock.  Shock and awe. That awful feeling when all the blood drains from your face.  

Your in shock.    Its like getting hit by a bus.    First remember that your kids need a strong and sane dad..they need you now more than ever.   Your wife has ripped the core out of the marriage..  Your kids will need at least one responsible and sane parent that puts them first..above any lover or sexual desire.   They will need you later in life for absolute and unchanging support that only you can give.

Second,  be kind to yourself and acknowledge the shock and blow..  the person you most trusted in the world turned out to be a liar and cheat  (being very blunt sorry).    This is the awful shocking truth but I believe God is sending us forward rather than live in a sham disloyal marriage.   Build yourself a support network of friends, family, lawyer, therapist, doctor, priest  etc.     Its sounds strange but your the only one that can take care of you now..  do not think your wife will have any remorse or care about you...with such betrayal the trust is gone, their words become meaningless.


Take time to gather strength at your own pace and gather your support team.   Do not look to her for support or empathy; you will find none.  That was the hardest part for me... not TGT but the hurtful, abusive and evil person she became.    Learn to be comfortable with yourself.   Alone is ok..  Alone is solace and much better than being with someone that is lying and cheating on you.   I find I'm good company to myself..I don't lie, cheat or hurt myself. ...sounds crazy but really I treat myself much better than she was treating me.    I do struggle like everyone else sure...  but I'm definitely not dependent on her anymore.   My dependence died long ago as I started doing things for myself and realized I was the only one that would take care of me..that she quite caring about me the minute she cheated.  

You'r entering a valley.  A season.   But we must do what is right and moral.  We must do what needs to be done. 

A sincere real authentic hug in your difficult time.

Last edited by Rob (Thu Aug 18 11:03 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Thu Aug 18 3:18 pm  #5


Re: How do I survive this?

Dear lostdad,

I am so very sorry.  I wish there were words that could comfort you, but sadly there is just no alternative than to go through the pain.  I know you are desperately wanting to hang on to her for every last second you can get with her, but I think that is actually increasing your pain.  Is there any way she can go ahead and move out and give you the space you need to start breaking that dependence you have on her?  Still sleeping in the same bed with her and crying on her chest in the morning is cruel torture ... even if it is your preference.  I agree that she cannot help being who she is, but she could absolutely help lying to you about her activities over the years.  She obviously understood her truth a long time ago and you deserved to have her tell you that then ... not now.  I know the pain of being left to cope while they go off to their new person.  They have all the emotional support and ability to move on immediately while you are left trying to just make it through one more day.  It is unfair, to put it mildly.  It is early and you are in shock.  I am so sorry.  But one thing that can help you feel less pain is to understand that she purposely misled you ... think hiding IM chats and phone!  There is no special dispensation for lying to your spouse if it involves TGT.  Although I certainly encourage you to keep things civil for your sake and your kids, you need to find some anger about all those lies.  Trust me ... anger feels better than crushing pain and can help you protect your interests both financially and in terms of fair custody of your kids.  Don't help her steal even more from you than she already has.  I wish I could tell you how long your pain will last but it is different for each of us.  Just trust that it does get better with time.  But it will not start to improve as long as you continue to share a bed with her and cling to her for support.  Do not seek support from the source of your pain.  I really am so very sorry. 
 

Last edited by Dixie (Thu Aug 18 3:19 pm)

 

Thu Aug 18 4:24 pm  #6


Re: How do I survive this?

Dear Lostdad,

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  This is the right place for you, though.  You will find much understanding, advice and compassion here (as well as honesty).  There are quite a few men on our site who have suffered through almost exactly what you have, and their voices will be powerful to you as men.

This is NOT your fault.  You have NOT failed.  Everything you've set out to do, you've done; you've loved her with all your heart, you've respected her and provided for her and created a life and a family with her.  Your boys will see that.  You are human, and not everything we do with good intentions results in good results.  Your boys will learn that lesson, too.  It's something all of us learn sooner or later, and your boys will learn it earlier rather than later themselves in their own marriages.

You are NOT being "selfish".  The facts of the situation are that she cheated, and fell in love with another person, WHILE you were in a committed relationship, and is trying to make you feel sorry for HER?  Do you really think that if you'd done the same to you that she'd be feeling sorry for you for how difficult it must have been for you to come to that decision to cheat on her????  No, she wouldn't.  Adding sexual confusion into the story doesn't erase any of the poor behaviors.  She could have chosen to come to you a while ago and say that she thinks she's made a mistake and that she might be a lesbian after all.  Now honestly, I don't know how I would have told you to handle that.  But it certainly wouldn't be the clusterf*ck of betrayal you're currently dealing with.  If you can't have pain and grief over your life partner betraying you, then what CAN you have pain over without being accused of being selfish???  Don't let her do what we call gas light you.  Look it up.

Telling the boys won't be easy.  We didn't tell the kids that their dad was gay right away - only because he didn't want me to.  It wasn't a lie for us to tell them that we just didn't get along anymore and we were making each other hurt.  But when I told them that their dad was gay (which was because info kind of leaked and they came to me with questions), I very much treated the problem as Dad having been gay, not Dad's actions.  That really wasn't the whole truth, but I felt it was much easier that way for them to process.  I told them that Dad was gay, but that he was still the same person that he's always been - he's still loving toward them and wants to spend time with them and do the same things as he's always done (movie nights, etc.).  Him being gay will feel awkward and uncomfortable for a while, but it doesn't have to affect their relationship with him.  ME, on the other hand, had a relationship with him based on the fact that I thought he was straight and in love with me.  And I couldn't make a good marriage work if those things aren't true.  So I couldn't go on being married.  They got it.  In some ways, I believe they didn't have the internal struggle of wondering if they were somehow part of the problem and that being good would make things better and get us back together.

You don't have to hate someone to make space to go your separate ways.  It's just that lot of the time we here have experienced our spouses telling us something like this, and then they run off and start behaving like sex-crazed teenagers all over again.  They practically ignore the kids while they run out claiming the new-found freedom that you never gave them.  They certainly show how cold they can be toward you.  Your wife is actually doing that currently.  Can you imagine cheating on her, falling in love with another woman, and then taking a vacation with her (after your wife knows what you've done), and posting pics on FB about it?  That's just cruel, hon.  I think you need to let yourself get angry about some of what she's done.  Sad will accompany a lot of what you feel, and it has its place, too.  But angry is fuel.  And you have every right to be angry that she threw you under the bus and then acts like you're a baby for crying while you're pinned under there.  That's.bullshit.

I know you don't WANT your marriage to end, and it's difficult to try to end something that you don't want to end.  But please know that what you've come to see as acceptable is not really acceptable at all - it's just become normal for YOU, and you've come to terms with it.  It is NOT normal to have memories of a " a few sessions of fantastic intimacy, a few times that I could really tell that she wanted me."  My current st8 husband has a few times of that a WEEK.  You've been given crumbs to live on and you've adjusted by deciding that you will be thankful for the crumbs you've been given.  You need several slices of bread several times a day, along with meat, fresh produce, milk and fats.  Don't cling to your crumbs thinking that they will sustain you.  They cannot.  they never could.  It's just all you've been given and you've gotten adapted to that.  You.deserve.so.much.more.

You're gonna be okay, hon.  I promise.  It's going to take a while, and you have many feelings to muddle through and paces to go through.  It comes in stages.  You think you're a bit in because it's been six weeks in.  You're literally at the very beginning of this, though.  Understand that your wife has had YEARS to come to this understanding of this, and begin to work her way through the anticipated consequences and come to terms with it all.  You have yet to go through that all.  She's YEARS ahead of you.  Don't let her fool you into thinking that you're in the same place on the same journey.  You're not.  It's okay not to be okay right now.  That's perfectly normal.  It ain't fun, but it's normal.

Keep stopping by.  Keep letting it out.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Thu Aug 18 7:11 pm  #7


Re: How do I survive this?

Hi, sorry you're here - yes, this is a new 'season'. You need to take time and gather your strength. You've already gotten great advice.  Know that others have been in your position and survived and prospered.  One thing that stood out in your post was that you said you still you love each other etc. this will sound harsh to you but I suggest you need to stop thinking about her  and disengage.  I was not able to begin to heal, grieve etc until I went cold turkey.  your marriage etc is over and it's time to move on. Hurts and feels like your insides are being ripped out.  but it does get better !!

 

Fri Aug 19 7:11 am  #8


Re: How do I survive this?

Dee, Wendi, Rob, Dixie, Kel, Laurence, 

Thank you all so much for taking time out of your day to post your support and advice.  I greatly appreciate it.  

I admit that I'm not ready to hear some of the words and wisdom that you have for me.  I'm so co-dependent that I just can't let her go.  My marriage vows are so important to me that I can't give up.  My "love language" is touch and I'm so empty right now that I need her hugs to get me through the day.  I can't imagine being alone for the next year or two as I try to recover from the scars that are being left in my heart right now. 

She says she didn't cheat on me until after she admitted her sexuality to me and after she asked me for divorce. But she's also said that she knew she was in love with this over woman a couple months ago.  So it was her love for this other woman that led her to her admission to me.. and in my mind that is already cheating.  The act of sexual intercourse with her (another married woman) is just the second knife wound in my back.  We are still married by law, I'm still married in my heart.  The divorce hasn't even been filed yet.  

It's just so painful to see the woman who i've devoted my life to with another lover.. male or female.  But having it be homosexuality is especially hurtful because there is nothing I can do to win her back.  No amount of effort can win her love back.  Nothing I could have done better in the past could have changed this.  My love has been a lie.  That wound cuts deep and leaves a scar that will never heal. 

I've tried so hard to be a good husband.  I know that I haven't always helped as much with cleaning house as she wants.  I admit that I don't remember the date that her mother passed away. I admit that I don't do the little things that she says she wants.  But I've tried so hard..  I've always adored her.  I work so hard to provide a beautiful home in a safe neighborhood, new and dependable cars, saving for our future, vacations, etc..  I manage the finances and keep 800+ credit scores and never miss a bill.  I fix the house (plumbing, electrical, new windows).  I take care of the pool so her and kids can enjoy it.  I've never been drunk, never smoked, never done drugs, never cheated on her, never had sex before marriage, never screamed at her, never swore at her, never raised a hand in anger to her or the kids.  I barely have any friends and i spent very little time on any hobbies because my desire is to spend my time with her (my best friend) and my kids. 

I'm scared.  I've always been a bigger guy, with a low self-image.  I've always been an introvert.  I was deathly afraid of rejection in high school and college so I struggled to ever come up with the confidence to ask a girl out.  I don't have a big circle of friends because I go home every night to my family.. that is where i want to be.  I spend my evenings with my wife and kids..  Lately it's been with my kids as she's been going out 3+ nights per week with her new circle of lesbian friends.  I'm just scared of being alone forever.  

Each of your responses had a common theme..  Be kind to yourself.  I don't know how to do that.   How do I do that?  What does that look like?

Food tastes like cardboard, my hobbies hold no joy or fun, work is agony because I can't concentrate and I am scared i will get fired, I'm lonely, scared of the future, and without any hope.  Even on my best days I've always needed something optimistic to look forward to.  I have nothing but pain on the horizon.  

Kel and Dee,  you are so right that she's had years to process and prepare for this.  I never realized that.  She keeps asking for me to tell her that I just want her to be happy.  She wants me to stop just feeling bad for myself and have some love and compassion for her.  She wants me to think about how difficult this life change is going to be for her.  But I only see her stress about 2 things.  1.)  she's worried about people judging her.  2.) she feels bad about how much this is hurting me. 

Kel, you talk about clinging to the crumbs that I think will sustain me.  They have sustained me.  She tried to satisfy me.. much more recently, even though I knew her heart and passion wasn't in it.  Sure I'd like the whole meal, but I think i will starve to death and die over the next year or two or ten before I meet someone else. 


 

Last edited by lostdad (Fri Aug 19 7:27 am)


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

"Horribly, the only way through it..... is through it."
-CajunBelle
     Thread Starter
 

Fri Aug 19 8:12 am  #9


Re: How do I survive this?

I am so sorry for your pain, so sorry. I can tell you that none of this is about you, I'm sure you were a great husband. It's about her, and that's where you need to start being kind to yourself. Stop beating yourself up, stop right now. I know you feel like a failure, I did too, until I realized, with his cruel, narcissistic help, that it was his garage that he was projecting onto me to make himself feel better about what he was doing. And you're right, she's already cheated, and now she's rubbing your face in it and asking for your blessings?? Get mad, and don't look toward her for comfort, she's already checked out on you, as painful as that is to hear. You need to be thinking of you and your kids now, they are going to need a strong and stable dad. If you call the hotline connected with st8 spouse, they can put you in touch with a local contact, and there might also be a support group in your area. That has been a lifesaver for me. Being kind to yourself means putting yourself first. Take walks, be with your kids and remember to breathe. Baby steps. You can do it. We are here for you. Hugs

 

Fri Aug 19 9:41 am  #10


Re: How do I survive this?

It is so hard to read your posts, lostdad, because you articulate so well the experience so many of us have had.  All I can tell you is that just from reading your two posts, I am certain you are the most lovely and loving man and there are seriously thousands of women "out there" who would kiss the ground to be with you.  And because you are an adult rather than a high school kid, it will be easier (not easy, just easier) for you to reach out and connect with new friends and potential partners.  You will have to pull up your big boy pants to do it, but anyone who can survive what you are going through now (and you WILL survive whether you want to or not) can join meet-up groups, a community clean-up volunteer group, school booster group, food bank volunteer group, church, civic organization ... you get the idea.  When you are ready, you will be able to step forward into the world and start meeting people to make friends.  From those friends, one special person might emerge.  Or not.  But you will be with someone who knows, loves, and values you more than anyone else ... yourself.  In the meantime, your kids are going to need you big time.  And they need you to be okay ... not in a dark bedroom laying in the fetal position.  Take a deep breathe and tell yourself "I can do this" frequently throughout the day.  Stay very busy to crowd out those thoughts that won't let you be.  You have no choice (sorry) to start taking those baby steps to emotional freedom.  It is a long path to recovery, but it doesn't get any shorter if you wait to start down it.  So start.  And yes, be kind to yourself.  Don't focus attention on her selfish need for support.  She has someone to do that for her ... her girlfriend.  She doesn't deserve your additional help ... that is double dipping, unkind, and unreasonable.  Cheating of the worst kind because it is flagrantly, openly in your face.  Can you tell I am trying to give you a courage injection?!!  YOU CAN DO THIS.  I totally get that you don't want to have to do it, but that is just the way it is.  Start making some lists with small concrete steps that you will need to take.  One list for getting a divorce.  One list for rebuilding your new life.  Small simple steps ... one at a time. 

Might I be so bold as to suggest that first step on both of those lists?  Ask her to move out ... you need your emotional space desperately. 

 

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