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July 11, 2018 3:06 pm  #11

Re: Update on those still in their MOMs

Dear Ellexoh...
you are correct when you say that 'it could never be the same again - ever'. It is true. The only thing I want to say is that, this is not neccesarily a bad thing. If what was, wasn't really ... isn't reality better? (I know it might not seem that way .... but it is just waking up from the dream that is the hard part). Don't stay in the waiting room. Move to the main hall girl, you can, you just have to remember how! That is something I struggle with. However, I believe that it all starts with surrendering to what really is and giving away that damned fantasy that never really was. Here are a few lines from a lovely article on surrender, and if they touch you, then please follow the link and read the rest.... happens when we know that we don’t know anything anymore and certainly not anything that can help us.  It arrives when we know that we cannot think or see our way through where we are. In true surrender, we don’t know if what’s to come will be better or worse, more comfortable or even less.  All we know is that we can’t do it this way, the way we've been doing it, a moment longer.  Surrender happens when it can’t not happen. Surrender itself is easy; it’s the path to surrender that’s excruciating.  But what’s amazing is that when surrender does arrive, it is accompanied by a great sense of ease and peace. It’s not like the situation remarkably gets better or easier, but we feel better and more easeful when we know in our bones that we cannot fix or figure it out. Oddly, something deep within us relaxes when we acknowledge that we don’t know how to do it, don’t know the way.  We feel an inner softening when we agree to turn it over to something larger, the unknowable, or simply to the truth of our own not knowing. From our knees, paradoxically, we feel a remission from the suffering.     

The point of everything is that you have to rediscover your self. You have been living in a fantasy world (me too - high five there). I think you need to start with finding one thing that you love about yourself... (this is not an original thought - it derives from the youtube series of yoga with adriene and it made me cry and took me a week to find it), but you can. From there, you need to concentrate on that thing that you love about yourself. Embolden it, make it stronger. We only have one life, don't waste a damned second of it. Be who you are, life is limited, don't let the confusion of others lead you astray. You are a totally kick-ass woman. You can do whatever you want to do and be whatever you want to be.... just start concentrating on that.
I send you a hugely big e-hug from the heart!


July 18, 2018 1:17 am  #12

Re: Update on those still in their MOMs

So, the question for me in addition to my post in the 'Support Index' will be - Does it worth the try from those in MoM? What are the options that can impact ones health positively after many years of investment into a married-relationship? What are the new ideas for the 10% that seems to work for; if the percentage is correct? Is it okay to call it a quit from now and count your loses? Or what is it? Can therapy be the way out to manage MoM? Many questions are bugging my brain right now..


July 18, 2018 1:53 am  #13

Re: Update on those still in their MOMs

Philly wrote:

Does it worth the try from those in MoM? No MOM is the same, and anything is worth trying if both partners are on board. The MOM I'm in is a monogamous one. I've read of successful 'open r'ship MOMs though..but you'll never see me, knowingly, in one again. 
What are the options that can impact ones health positively after many years of investment into a married-relationship? Good communication, empathy & respect are positives needed to nurture the sort of change a MOM makes to a marriage of many years.
What are the new ideas for the 10% that seems to work for; if the percentage is correct? My MOM is too new so isn't in that 10%, I'm 18 months into the statistic that says "most MOMs fail after 3 years. 
Is it okay to call it a quit from now and count your loses? That is only a question you can answer Philly. 
Or what is it? (I didn't understand this question) 
 Can therapy be the way out to manage MoM? Again....only with both partners on board with an experienced-in-MOMs my opinion. 
Many questions are bugging my brain right now..I know how you feel!

*between a rock and a hard place*
     Thread Starter

July 18, 2018 2:03 pm  #14

Re: Update on those still in their MOMs

Dear Philly, Welcome aboard. I am sorry that you find yourself here ... but if you need to be here, trust that it is a good place. I tried to write you a note this morning, but somehow I find that frequently my notes disappear into cyberspace. I'm not a real techno wiz.
I totally agree with the things that Ellexoh has said to you...
I just wanted to add...
I think that all of us who are seeking to preserve their MOM have a desire to continue things as they were. First and foremost, we need to remember that that is not possible. The thing we thought we had, never really existed in the way we thought it did.
Therefore, I think that before undertaking any sort of MOM, we need to first find ourselves again. Because we are lost. Personally, my self confidence and sense of self worth were also shattered. We have awakened from a dream that wasn't all true.
So if you want to know what to do to impact your health in a positive way ... you are on the right track. I think the first thing we must do is to rediscover ouselves - who we really our (and not who we were in the fantasy relationship we thought we had but actually don't.) We need to rediscover that little spark of divine within us (however hidden it may be).
To do this we need to make ourselves stronger. Take up exercize, eat healthy, write in a journal, get a hobby that you love ... it really doesn't matter what you do as long as it makes you better instead of making you less. The point is that before undertaking any sort of MOM, I think we need to be really certain about who we are. That takes some time.
Things are all still very new for me and I my hubby is still in denial. I don't know what the future will bring (we never do, do we?). But I do know that I must maintain this relationship for a while for reasons beyond my control. And on another note, he was my best friend (and recently my only friend ... I gave up everyone and everything for this - he did a lot to keep me isolated).
Confusion is normal. I am confused ... I think we are all a little confused. That's okay, just roll with it. Don't give up on yourself. Grow, make yourself stronger and after you do, your answers will seem easier...
Best of luck to you and lots of good vibes to ease the heart ache.


July 18, 2018 4:25 pm  #15

Re: Update on those still in their MOMs

Thanks Ellexoh_ nz & B-strong. I'll put myself together... many uncertainties lies ahead. 


July 18, 2018 10:09 pm  #16

Re: Update on those still in their MOMs

Ellexoh wrote: "How is your MOM.....?"

We are nineteen years together, fifteen married. He was out to me before we ever got together, so I had the advantage of knowing what I was getting into. I always had crushes on my gay buddies, but when this one decided to take a chance on me, I felt like I'd won the lottery. I feel our longevity is due to lots of communication, lots of honesty, and lots of laughter.

We've had plenty of challenges over the years, but the first that actually came between us exploded in December of 2017, when he said he wanted to go onto PreP and have sex with men. We'd had a few "special guest stars" in our sex life before our kid was born in 2004, but really nothing since then. With LOTS of talking, tears, therapy (mostly individual for him, a few couples sessions), he determined that his desire stemmed more from his traumatic coming out in his teens, as well as feeling lonely and isolated. So he works on processing his repressed pain with his counselor, he's joined an LGBT sports team that he works out with twice a week, and he participated in our local Pride event for the first time this summer. His self confidence has soared, and he's a much happier person today than he was last winter.

We are still currently monogamous by my insistence, though I'm s-l-o-w-l-y coming to a place of peace with releasing that demand... and demand is what it is, because really I have no business TELLING him what to do with his life. If he intentionally chooses monogamy because it is more comfortable and safe for me, that's one thing. But being monogamous because I demand it? That's not right. That makes me think of people who feel you cannot be a moral person without the threat of hellfire and damnation over your head. I'm an atheist, and I have managed to get to my 55th year without killing, raping, injuring, or stealing from anyone around me. I'm an ethical person because it's the right thing to do, not because someone is guilting me into it. So I'm starting to realize that my partner should have that same freedom. And if he chooses to do something that I cannot live with, it will be my turn to choose how to respond to that... I can decide to have no more sex with him if I feel I will be exposed to STIs, I can choose to have my own outside partner if I feel lonely after he starts dating, I can decide that I don't want to remain married if I don't feel like my partner is taking my needs and desires into account. I cannot FORCE him to "be good," to stay monogamous, to keep me as his primary focus. If he chooses to do that, I will be very pleased. But if he does it only because I am demanding it, well, it's pretty clear that this is the road to resentment, deceit, and heartbreak.

I've had to deal with a lot of stress-induced health issues over the last eight months, and he has been so very kind and supportive as we heal our bruised relationship. We meditate together daily, lately focusing on self-compassion, courage, and letting go (VERY difficult for this control freak!). We exercise together at least three times a week, we do yoga classes together, we cook and clean and play games and garden and do crosswords together on a daily basis. We've intentionally started doing all these things to really get back down to the basics of why we chose each other... not just for sex, though that is usually awesome, but because we genuinely enjoy each other's company. We celebrate silly little things and have lots of goofy little rituals. 

Who knows what tomorrow will bring? As one of my counselors brutally pointed out to me, all relationships come to an end. We might go down on a plane together, and one of us will hit the side of the mountain before the other. There are no guarantees. If my insecurity and fear of being alone is what is making me cling to him, it is up to me to figure out what I'd do if he was gone tomorrow... if it was because he moves in with a boyfriend, or gets hit by a bus, he would still be gone and I'd still have to find a way to stay alive. So I've been working on looking at my safety net... life and health insurance, building friend relationships, making sure my vehicle is in good shape, learning how to live on a minimal amount of money, finding ways to earn my own (I'm disabled and unemployed). One thing I've done was to ask him to write a post-nuptial agreement... essentially, a document that ensures that I will be given a percentage of his income, have access to his health insurance, and so forth, should he decide to move out for any reason. I've come to the conclusion that he sincerely would not leave me, but I'm still going through with this document just so we are mindful and aware of the possibilities.

We are a work in progress. It's been a tough year, but even on the absolutely worst days, he's been right there, repeating that he loves me, he wants to be with me, and we are going to make it. It's what we call "the mantra," and sometimes he has to say it five or six times in one day. Maybe it's silly, but it's what I need to hear, and it's working.

I would not trade him for the world, TGT and all. I believe his gayness gives him a unique sense of humor and style, a bent towards the dramatic and silly, an artistic flair, patience and empathy, and a willingness to come at a problem with creativity and curiosity. He lets me paint his toenails and wears the funky button-down shirts I find on eBay for him. He makes me breakfast in bed with perfectly soft boiled eggs and his home-smoked bacon. He helps me buy my clothes and makeup, and we coordinate our outfits. He's totally open to anything I want to try in bed (and I mean ANYTHING). We watch Queer Eye and RuPaul's Drag Race together. He is a terrific barista, a marvelous pastry chef, and amazing bartender. 

I'd love to hear all about what makes your partners and your marriages unique! Tell me what he does that melts your heart and fall in love with him all over again. Let's celebrate the good stuff!


July 18, 2018 11:14 pm  #17

Re: Update on those still in their MOMs

Wow Yaz...that's quite a history! I could have told you MANY ways he melted my heart and made me feel like my body was a temple, and that I truly believed he was my soulmate and we would be together forever. But that was then..this is now and the person who I believed had my back, who I could trust with my life.....lied to me, kept secrets from me, was dismissive, angry and confusing. All of this he did to "not hurt" me. Really?
Yes really...

Now he is a closed book. I am the one working on my r'ship with him. He doesn't think he needs to do anymore. He is resentful, of my demand for monogamy, but won't discuss it either because my thoughts on it are fairly cut and dried so this in turn blows on the flames of his resentment.
We used to talk about anything & everything. We had what you seem to have now. But once he destroyed my trust I find it hard to believe he won't do it again. Trust was a almost unacknowledged-because-it-was-so-real gift..that to have it crushed the way it was feels like it can never be recreated.
And yet I'm still here

*between a rock and a hard place*
     Thread Starter

July 19, 2018 9:43 am  #18

Re: Update on those still in their MOMs

It sounds like you aren't very happy "here." 

I am still mourning the relationship I thought I had. While we did not have deceit or infidelity, there was still a sense of betrayal and abandonment. But I can now see that, while I am dealing with my own trauma issues after the disclosure of his desire, it was HIM that had to deal with that trauma leading up to disclosure, and that it was incredibly painful and difficult for him to both bear and to open up to me about. And then the guilt that set in when it was clear exactly how upsetting it was only exacerbated things. An awful lot of our progress has been about ME learning compassion for HIM, as well as him having to learn it for me. 

It takes two to tango. If he's resentful of something you cannot give up, it seems that this is a pretty big thorn in your relationship garden. If he cannot meet you where you are, and you cannot meet him where he is, then it seems like you have to find even a tiny bit of common ground. I understand that the erosion of trust makes this difficult, but it seems vital to find and nurture that common space if you ever want to have hope of growing your partnership into something that will be good for you both. What DO you share now, that brings you delight and joy together? 


July 19, 2018 12:32 pm  #19

Re: Update on those still in their MOMs

I'm about 2.5 years in from D-day.  I've learned a lot, and I know he's not straight for sure which is still really hard for me to believe.  Still, he maintains he's straight so we just don't talk about it.


July 19, 2018 1:46 pm  #20

Re: Update on those still in their MOMs

YazPistachio wrote:

It sounds like you aren't very happy "here." ..... What DO you share now, that brings you delight and joy together? 

Walking, dining out, MotoGP, sitting in a spa, we tried Hot Yoga, we do most things together. 

 The email he sent telling me of his fantasies and bisexual/(gay?) desires was 18 months ago. I refused to entertain the idea of extras in his/our intimate life, so after hiding it all..opening up to me....meeting resistance.. he put a cap on it and....according to him....has "moved on". I now deal with it on my own because of his inability to talk about it. He lied to me/kept secrets once. He can do it again

*between a rock and a hard place*
     Thread Starter

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