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July 4, 2018 2:46 pm  #1


Update on those still in their MOMs

LOL....last time I started a thread here nobody posted so I had it deleted.
I realise it's difficult communicating on this board. It feels like not many want to admit they could post here....but surely some of the climbing 'view count' are people dying to post about trying to keep their r'ship together. I think I heard  that most MOMs fail after 3 years, so I've turned very realistic about mine. Almost like "this r'ship has been given 3 years to live" so don't spend it thinking about what it might have been but rather focus on what it is now. I 
no longer look for proof, it was eating me up inside, but am prepared now for whatever may come


How is your MOM.....?

I'm/we're still comfortably sitting between that rock and that hard place. 
We are still comfortably planning, living, laughing. Both of us know it's not the same, and never will be again, but 
still neither of us wants to change 'us'. 


 


*between a rock and a hard place*
 

July 5, 2018 3:31 pm  #2


Re: Update on those still in their MOMs


*between a rock and a hard place*
     Thread Starter
 

July 6, 2018 10:18 pm  #3


Re: Update on those still in their MOMs

Not sure if I should respond, since I am separated, after discovering TGT, 6 months ago, after 40 years of marriage. But I am weighing the pros and cons of being in a MOM. With a MOM, I get companionship, financial security, "best buddies." I could possibly live in a MOM relationship if my H was not in denial, But he continues to lie to me and himself. I know w/o a doubt he is gay. And if I do stay, now knowing he is gay....it is different, it will never be the same. I just don't think I can stay in his closet.

But I still enjoy his company, it's just complicated.  



 

 

July 6, 2018 11:32 pm  #4


Re: Update on those still in their MOMs

Violated wrote:

Not sure if I should respond, since I am separated, after discovering TGT, 6 months ago, after 40 years of marriage.
Thanks for responding Violated. 
But I am weighing the pros and cons of being in a MOM. With a MOM, I get companionship, financial security, "best buddies." I could possibly live in a MOM relationship if my H was not in denial, But he continues to lie to me and himself. 
I don't want to live in a MOM unless it's monogamous, which it has been up til now. My partner's not in denial...he simply won't talk about it  
I know w/o a doubt he is gay. I don't have that certainty. 
And if I do stay, now knowing he is gay....it is different, it will never be the same. You're right, it will never be the same. The difference will be you accepting his gayness
I just don't think I can stay in his closet. If my partner says to me "I want to act on my bisexual urge" then I'm out of there. But because he dampens it all down..I'm okay with our status quo at this time. Violated, do you talk, have you told any family/friends about the situation? Because the best way to open that closet, apart from refusing to describe it as "being in his closet", is to not keep his secret

But I still enjoy his company, it's just complicated.  Tell me about it...!!!



 

 


*between a rock and a hard place*
     Thread Starter
 

July 7, 2018 3:51 am  #5


Re: Update on those still in their MOMs

ellexoh, 
I have not told our friends, just 2 of my friends know the truth. He has always been so insecure, I always questioned why he lacked confidence, and now I know. I have analyzed my life now, looking at details, and things are so much clearer to me now. My husband has NEVER french kissed me, quick little pecks, nothing sensual, he never even kissed me when we had sex, and then it was always "doggie" style. But I was only 20 when I married him, so I knew no difference. But I always felt loved, we never argued, he was a really good guy. Good provider, great father. He took care of me when I was sick for 2 years. My friends envied our relationship. I even described it as being "best friends." Dam, now I hate that my marriage is "best buddies", I wish we were "soulmates". My husband never desires me, never looks at me, like other men did, you know, that quick glance of checking me out. But I always felt protected, supported and loved. But now.......um, I feel robbed of the intimacy, I feel betrayed, I feel cheated. And I think I want more than just a "best Buddy", I want truth, I can't stand being lied to. But even though I have separated from him, moved to a condo for the past 3 months, I always find myself drifting back to him, going out to dinners, calling my "buddy" to chat about my day. So my choices are, at my age 64, I stay in a MOM relationship because of the companionship,
, the security. Or I divorce, and can live a true life. It takes courage do to either one.

I don't believe my husband will be monogamous, he claims he is, but he has told me so many lies. I believe if he has the opportunity he will act upon it. He is a gay man, and supposedly has only satisfied his sexual needs thru gay porn and anal dildos for the past 10 years. We have had a "sexless" marriage for the past 10 years, because he claims he contracted hepatitis B from a gang rape of 3-4 men. I call BS on that story.

Sorry, to ramble on......it is complicated. But so what if a MOM fails after 3 years.....at least we gave it a shot. I just what health and happiness, I just have to figure out if that is with him or w/o him.



 

 

July 7, 2018 6:01 am  #6


Re: Update on those still in their MOMs

Violated wrote:

ellexoh, 
I have not told our friends, just 2 of my friends know the truth. I found the more (close) friends/family I told the better I felt. It felt good that others knew my situation, even though none of them (that I know of) have gone to him and said "wtf are you doing!" He has always been so insecure, I always questioned why he lacked confidence, and now I know. My man was always strong & confident, good with our kids, fantastic work ethic. It was the period when he changed jobs & was away for 5 months then "discovered" these internet sites to meet other people. Initially we did, and enjoyed, this adventure together. I have analyzed my life now, looking at details, and things are so much clearer to me now. Yeah....hindsight is a killer isn't it, looking back, asking ourselves "wait....what? no....really?" My husband has NEVER french kissed me, quick little pecks, nothing sensual, he never even kissed me when we had sex, and then it was always "doggie" style. We had a passionate sex life, but as our open r'ship went on I felt him pulling away from it being 'us', wanting more 'just him' time/s. But I was only 20 when I married him, so I knew no difference. But I always felt loved, we never argued, he was a really good guy. Good provider, great father. He took care of me when I was sick for 2 years. My partner stopped work, went on a benefit and looked after my 2 children for 2 months I was in hospital. My friends envied our relationship. Ditto. I even described it as being "best friends." Dam, now I hate that my marriage is "best buddies", I wish we were "soulmates". I *thought* we were soulmates too. My husband never desires me, never looks at me, like other men did, you know, that quick glance of checking me out. If I can describe it as a percentage ...I'd say his desire for me these days is at 50% but to be honest...that may be because of my mistrust of him. But I always felt protected, supported and loved. Me too But now.......um, I feel robbed of the intimacy, I feel betrayed, I feel cheated. Me too And I think I want more than just a "best Buddy", I want truth, I can't stand being lied to. OMG YES! But even though I have separated from him, moved to a condo for the past 3 months, I always find myself drifting back to him, going out to dinners, calling my "buddy" to chat about my day. This is my quandary. I could take the plunge and leave, but I DON'T want to drift back. If I can't say "this is it, I'm out of here, forever".....I'll stay where I am because to run BACK to him would make me feel even more like a fool. So my choices are, at my age 64, I stay in a MOM relationship because of the companionship,
, the security. Or I divorce, and can live a true life. It takes courage do to either one. I wish courage for you then   and kind hearts to help you through this

I don't believe my husband will be monogamous, he claims he is, but he has told me so many lies. I believe if he has the opportunity he will act upon it. He is a gay man, and supposedly has only satisfied his sexual needs thru gay porn and anal dildos for the past 10 years. We have had a "sexless" marriage for the past 10 years, because he claims he contracted hepatitis B from a gang rape of 3-4 men. I call BS on that story.

Sorry, to ramble on......it is complicated. But so what if a MOM fails after 3 years.....at least we gave it a shot. I just what health and happiness, I just have to figure out if that is with him or w/o him. It IS complicated. I never thought my life would be like this either. I had it all mapped out..only to find it was just a sham. 



 

 


*between a rock and a hard place*
     Thread Starter
 

July 7, 2018 9:59 am  #7


Re: Update on those still in their MOMs

It's hard for me to talk about when I first "made the discovery" because the things I learned about my husband came in bits and pieces over the years.

So each time there was a new revelation, I struggled to figure out what the big picture was, and I did think all along that I would try to keep the marriage together somehow.

Sean had posted on another thread (I think it's the gay husband answering our questions thread) that something like 90 percent of MOM's fail.  I don't know whether that was a real statistic or his own ballpark estimate, but what struck me was the other ten percent.  I don't think anybody could describe those marriages as "successful."  I don't think anybody is happy.  I don't think both spouses, or even one spouse, is "thriving."  I think they're enduring.  I think they're utterly miserable.

So I guess I haven't been as active on the topic of "strategies for MOM's" because in my case, I can't see a way for this marriage to continue.

 

July 7, 2018 9:39 pm  #8


Re: Update on those still in their MOMs

Walkbymyself
 

90% of MOMs fail? But does anyone actually know how many there are, or is it only a statistic from the people who admit to being in one? Going by the number of unregistered viewers of this site..who knows how many there are!
And who gets to decide what "failure" is....and what does "success" look like? 
If you were a fly on the wall inside my r'ship, and vice versa...and were able to compare mine with yours....it would only look happier, or more miserable, because our circumstances & expectations are totally different so our view of each other must surely be at odds. 
You say " I can't see a way for this marriage to continue." 
I'm not in that place yet


*between a rock and a hard place*
     Thread Starter
 

July 10, 2018 2:25 pm  #9


Re: Update on those still in their MOMs

Dear ellexoh_nz,
I am new around here, but I think that the question is really not so much about 'what the statistics say ... or even what the future will bring' You said, "don't spend it thinking about what it might have been but rather focus on what it is now". I think to some extent that should be our mantra for life... We never know what tomorrow will bring. I mean before we arrived here on this forum, did any of us think we would need to end up here? We live life one day at a time. If you are where you want to be (or need to be for any reason) then (excuse my french) but 'screw the statistics'. We all have our own reasons. I have chosen to remain married to my hubby (but living seperately, while hoping to maintain friendship). My personal reasons are numerous. The practical issue is that I live outside the country and need my marriage to maintain my residency status. However, the thing I loved most about my husband (from the beginning) was our friendship - and truthfully I do and would miss that aspect (though it is obviously strained by the other issues we are having - first and foremost his constant denial).
It's true that at times I am angry and I would so like him to admit his closet, so that I could find some closure on that particular subject (forgive and move forward as friends), but on the other hand,even without it, we have been married 14 years. That is a lot of time to burn away. It would be like setting a torch to almost a third of my life (I am 46).
I think you need to do whatever you feel inside and trust your instincts. Trust whatever you feel in your gut. If it feels good to stay where you are, then do it and hold your head high!
Best of luck to you all (to all of us)!

Last edited by B-Strong (July 10, 2018 2:29 pm)

 

July 10, 2018 3:10 pm  #10


Re: Update on those still in their MOMs

B-Strong wrote:

Hi B-strong.....it's been 18 months since my partner sent me an email with the secrets that destroyed everything I held to be true. 
I'm 60, and realise my r'ship with the man I thought was so great...had actually isolated me from most things (social & personal) outside of it, and that when I lost trust in a man I thought was mine forever...it could never be the same again. EVER. 
Financially..I'm here til the final penny drops and I have no emotional resources left in the cache of memories, family & 33 years of combined history that keeps me not wanting to leave. We get on well but the thing that made us 'Us' is missing. 
I feel I'm in a waiting room. Alone.

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (July 10, 2018 3:11 pm)


*between a rock and a hard place*
     Thread Starter
 

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