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1 - phoenix
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Moving Forward: Fly Like A Butterfly
It is the struggle that gives strength to our wings
And forgiveness that sheds the weight and allows us to fly.
These two analogies are different topics but work together toward the same common theme.
A man spent hours watching a butterfly struggling to emerge from its cocoon. It managed to make a small hole, but its body was too large to get through it. After a long struggle, it appeared to be exhausted and remained absolutely still.
The man decided to help the butterfly and, with a pair of scissors, he cut open the cocoon, thus releasing the butterfly. However, the butterfly’s body was very small and wrinkled and its wings were all crumpled.
The man continued to watch, hoping that, at any moment, the butterfly would open its wings and fly away. Nothing happened; in fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its brief life dragging around its shrunken body and shrivelled wings, incapable of flight.
What the man – out of kindness and his eagerness to help – had failed to understand was that the tight cocoon and the efforts that the butterfly had to make in order to squeeze out of that tiny hole were Nature’s way of training the butterfly and of strengthening its wings.
Sometimes, a little extra effort is precisely what prepares us for the next obstacle to be faced. Anyone who refuses to make that effort, or gets the wrong sort of help, is left unprepared to fight the next battle and never manages to fly off to their destiny.
By Paulo Coelho
The struggle you are enduring is awful and painful. You certainly wish you didn't have to endure it. In the midst of the pain you cannot see it as anything but destruction and harm. But this struggle is your metamorphosis. It is what changes you from average to spectacular. The pain and suffering forces you to grow your wings and gives them strength. While you could have lived on the ground without those wings, the struggle you endure is what will allow you to fly.
But, you must be careful! Those wings are strong and beautiful and ready to propel you into the air. But you must prepare for flight by releasing the crushing weight of bitterness and unforgiveness. The anger and hate you feel toward your spouse or ex is certainly valid and well deserved. The grudge you hold and the yearning to get even and see them suffer just a little of what you have gone through is understandable. The blame you heap on yourself and the shame you feel is common. But all of these feelings and desires are dead weight strapped to your back that crush your life and your future.
Letting go of the burden of anger, revenge, hatred, shame and unforgiveness is no easy task. But these things represent your past and not your future. Cut the ropes and release these feelings. Find empowerment by looking only forward and releasing the past.
Cut away the weights that hold you down, spread your wings and fly toward a beautiful future.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- greyhound gal
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Re: Moving Forward: Fly Like A Butterfly
I totally agree but I find it very difficult to let go of the anger sometimes and to forgive my ex. I know I should and most days I feel like I'm making progress but then without warning something can trigger it again. Yesterday I saw someone we both know, someone I had worked with in the past and he didn't even really acknowledge me. This made me angry- as if Its my fault. I dare say I overreacted and he probably just didn't know what to say.
Any advice as to how to let go of anger? We all know we should but the question is how?
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Moving Forward: Fly Like A Butterfly
I don't agree that anger is always misplaced or to be "let go of." Anger can be a rational response to events that rightfully deserve it. Anger can be a symptom to pay attention to, so I can get to the bottom of what's causing it.
The way my stbx treated me after he revealed his sexuality is not something I wish to forgive, nor does it merit forgiveness. Forgiveness in that case would be to excuse bad behavior. It angered and still angers me that he would demand what he did and do what he did with no regard for me or my feelings. His actions merited a consequence, and I applied it, finally, at long last, by harnessing my anger to say I would no longer tolerate the situation and wanted a divorce. My goal is to leave him behind, and thus to allow the anger he engendered in me to subside; when his actions no longer affect me, I will have no need of my anger. I expect that his actions will affect me indirectly and negatively for a good while, although his power to affect me directly will cease when I no longer have to be in contact with him and am no longer married to him. Maybe this is a form of "letting the anger go."
Anger can fuel change for the good. Getting angry at my stbx because of the way he treated me helped propel me out of the marriage. Getting angry at myself for the way I allowed myself to become drawn in to his problems has helped fuel self-examination, with an eye to figuring out and changing that aspect of my personality.
Anger becomes a problem for us when it ceases to be productive, when the link between action and reaction is severed and it becomes a miasma or atmosphere in which we live, one that poisons us. I once had a therapist who, when I came to her complaining about once again complaining about the same old thing, said to me two things: when you are ready to change, you will; the emotion you're feeling and the position you're stuck in are serving a need, and the key to change is figuring out what need they're serving. When I began to do that, I realized that the need my emotion was serving wasn't (and isn't) always a positive one for the self; it was not good for me, because it was a way for me to hold myself back or avoid testing myself. If I could be angry at HIM, I would feel that HE was the one who had to act to change MY situation, which let me off the hook of having to take responsibility for myself--and that was in service to my fear that I was not adequate to life on my own.
I don't know, greyhound gal, if it might be useful for you to ask yourself: what need is your anger serving? Maybe you'll discover your anger is entirely appropriate; maybe you'll discover something about yourself you can benefit from knowing.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 25, 2018 9:41 am)
- phoenix
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Re: Moving Forward: Fly Like A Butterfly
OutofHisCloset wrote:
Anger becomes a problem for us when it ceases to be productive, when the link between action and reaction is severed and it becomes a miasma or atmosphere in which we live, poisoning us.
This is exactly what I was getting at. I didn't say the anger was misplaced or irrational or unwarranted. But when it becomes an obsession that robs us of our happiness and peace it's time to let it go and move on. This is what unforgiveness, thoughts of revenge and hate turn into. They are weight that we carry around that burden our lives.
Greyhound Gal. Forgiveness is very hard to do. It's a complicated emotion that requires intentional thought and unintentional feelings. The latter follows the former. For me it was a conscious decision that I made to let go of my desire to see my ex harmed, to stop wasting hours of every day rehashing things I wished I would have said to her in anger, to stop feeling like I am the one who needs to see justice done. The best description I've found is that forgiveness comes when you no longer seek retribution and you can wish them well. That's hard to do when the harm done to us is the theft of our love and most of the best years of our lives. I had to say it for a long time before I started to feel it. I still struggle at times and I'm not 100% there.. but the weight lifted off my shoulders is monumental!
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
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Thread Starter- phoenix
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Re: Moving Forward: Fly Like A Butterfly
A good thread about forgiveness:
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Moving Forward: Fly Like A Butterfly
I was quoting from greyhound gal, phoenix, and responding to the idea in the quotes, because it seems to me from what she says that she's beating herself up for her anger, and taking herself to task for a perceived shortcoming ("I know I should," which is an "ought" statement that positions her as in the wrong somehow).
I suspect that you, Phoenix, were getting something out of your desire to "see [your] ex harmed...to stop feeling like [you are] the one who needs to see justice done." Whatever it is/was, you no longer need it.
When my stbx ceases to matter to me, what he does with his life and who he does it to and with will also cease to matter (except in the case of our son) and I will be able to look on him with a degree of equanimity. But I doubt I will ever actively wish him well.
- phoenix
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Re: Moving Forward: Fly Like A Butterfly
You are right about not needing it (the justice or revenge). I've always heard and frequently said that "life isn't fair" and in most cases in my life I have been able so shrug off that lack of justice. But I really struggled with the injustice of TGT. It was so unfair that she manipulated me for her selfish needs for nearly half my life (at that time), then cast me aside when she fell in love with someone else. The part that was really unfair was how much pain I suffered while she waltz off with a smile on her face because she had someone else to love.
It took a long time to realize that I didn't need that justice and I wasn't the one who could even the score. So letting that go was a huge release for me.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
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Thread Starter- StrongerThanIKnew
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Re: Moving Forward: Fly Like A Butterfly
I will admit....this is a difficult topic for me right now.
I was doing so well. I really was. However, we have begun the divorce process and everything has come back to the surface.
We separated nearly 3 years ago, and on the day he left, my STBX said that I didn't have to worry about anything. He would always take care of me and the kids and I didn't have to worry about him doing anything crazy or spending large amounts of money. etc.
Well, guess what? He has done the exact thing he said I didn't have to worry about, and he now is not wanting to support us. I was a fool to believe him, and I am mad as hell - at him and at myself.
My anger is serving a purpose though. It is helping me see "her" in a new light. It is helping me see her new true self, and I don't like what I see. However, with this has also come clarity, and that means the latest stunts she has pulled did not surprise me or catch me off guard, and I was able to respond without emotion and without the need to defend myself to her which enabled me to stay on topic.
The anger at myself is because I didn't trust people when I was told to protect me and the kids. Even after the way I was treated, I continued to defend her and tell people that she isn't going to leave us out in the cold. Well, now, I am listening to those people. I no longer care about hurting her "delicate" feelings and I am doing what I need to do for me and my kids.
I just deleted a huge paragraph about some of the stuff that I am dealing with. Deleted it because I suspect my STBX is cyber stalking me, so until the divorce is final, I have also lost my voice - unless I want to add another fight to my already full plate, and I don't. (Oh, andI know how that sounds, but I'm not being paranoid. I have proof that she was in some of my email and social media accounts.)
I know the day will come when I no longer have to deal with her (or at least deal with her very little), and I know, when that day comes, I will be stronger for having gone through all of this crap. For now though, the anger is my protection. Every time it has subsided I have let my guard down. I start to forgive and think that perhaps we can be friends, and BOOM! something I said or did gets used against me. So, no more. I don't like this side of me, and in all honesty, I have never experienced the anger that I now feel, but for now it is fueling my strength and determination. I simply cannot let it go now. I cannot even begin to think about forgiveness until I know I will be able to take care of my kids and myself. So, yeah, it is based in a great deal of fear as well.
And "justice" or "fairness" .... well, don't even get me started on that one.
Stay Strong.
- greyhound gal
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Re: Moving Forward: Fly Like A Butterfly
Is my anger serving a purpose? Mmm. I've thought about that all day and yes I think so. I liked what stronger said- Its helping me see "her in a new light, see her true self". Yes, I realise that he is not who I thought he was. He too promised a lot when he left and has basically ignored me, being hell bent on his new life.
I think the anger helps me protect myself a bit. I think in the past I was too sympathetic, too understanding, too easy going and was taken advantage of. I see it too in other areas of my life and one day I thought-"No, actually I object to that". So maybe its making me more assertive?
It has pushed me to get the separation agreement done so that I can have no further contact with him. Its pushed me to get my job sorted. So a force for good I think.
Maybe theres a big difference then between anger and forgiveness. I can channel the anger to make me sort my life out but to forgive? Mmmm. I am hoping that in time I will no longer care and that will be enough.
But to actually wish him well? I am very far away from that.
Last edited by greyhound gal (June 25, 2018 1:34 pm)
- walkbymyself
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Re: Moving Forward: Fly Like A Butterfly
StrongerThanIKnew: I think your post really hit home for me because I'm in the midst of trying to figure out whether I can trust my husband not to do anything that might leave me destitute.
I'm in a kind of Catch-22 situation here. I don't have any money of my own -- I don't have a job, and I don't have a bank account. So, I can't just go out and sign a lease on an apartment and then tell him I'm moving out. If I get even just a minimum-wage job, I have to worry that eventually a judge will decide to subtract my salary from any spousal support I may have earned over the years (I'm about to turn 62).
In order to protect myself financially, I'd have to serve my husband with divorce papers. While I'm here living in the house with him. You can see the downside. Or, I can explain to him why I need to move out ... but I've been strongly advised not to do things in that order; once he knows I'm going to serve him with divorce papers there are no protections in place that keep him from transferring assets. The only way to prevent him from stealing ALL the money is by serving him with divorce papers before he realizes that's what I'm doing.
It feels so wrong, to do something like that without warning. And to do it while I'm still living in the same house as him. It's one of the ways our legal system is set up to force us to burn bridges before we're really ready, in a way that really provokes anger and rage.